(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

November 12 was the day that Yassir Arafat was finally buried, causing much celebration amongst the freedom-loving peoples of the world, as well as causing PeTA to protest the deliberate poisoning of innocent worms.

This date has been declared International Dead Terrorist Day (yes, I know he died on the 11th, but that day is already set aside to celebrate those who kill terrorists).

Here are some ways to celebrate International Dead Terrorist Day:

Tie together several dead terrorists like corn shocks and put them on your front porch.

Custom printed baby wipes that say "Help "wipe" out terror!"

Sprinkle sand in your beard to simulate a post-bullet-injected terrorist.

Shout "Allah akbar, but Marines are akbarer!"

Prepare a traditional terrorist meal of falafel, sand, and camel dung, then shoot it.

Shoot it twice. It might be just faking being dead.

Find a picture of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and throw it in your toilet. Have a friend pee on it with you, so that the twin streams of urine can symbolize the Tigris & Euphrates Rivers.

Wear a turban. Laugh at how silly you look in it. Take it off & shoot it.

Twice... you know why.

Fart towards Mecca 5 times.

Bonus for lighting them.

Find a Koran and flip it open at random. Make funny sentences by taking words out of context from random passages, like, "Mohammed... love... hot... sheep and goats... now... good... like woman."

Oops. That one's actually in there. But you get the idea.

Steal some oil.

Check your septic tank to make sure there aren't any former Iraqi dictators hiding in it.

If you find one, shoot him twice.

Support the 101st Muppet Division.

Spend some time taking care of your Osamagotchi virtual terrorist toy.

Cook lots of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, candied yams...

No, wait... that's Thanksgiving.

Nevermind.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 04:53 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

With the election safely behind us, I thought things would be quiet. I forgot there'd be copious wailing & gnashing of teeth from those dissatisfied with the outcome.

The most common response was the sound of people logging on to Priceline.com and booking one-way fares to Paris.

Ok, that was just Arafat.

Here are some other reactions that I just now made up:

George Soros: $82,000 for this monstrosity? I'm RUINED!

Ok, that was Herbert Powell after he built Homer Simpson's car, but I understand George's reaction was similar, give or take a few zeroes.

Alec Baldwin: I need whiskey, cocaine & prostitutes! STAT!

Rosie O'Donnell: Despite the election results, bush will still be licked.

Ed Asner: [grips chest, falls over, registers 7.1 on the Richter scale]

Janneane Garafalo: I'm still funny! I'm still relevant! Don't you hang up on me! Don't you... Hello?

Whoopi Goldberg: Bush stole the election! And my eyebrows!

Al Franken: Huh. I guess *I'm* the big fat idiot.

Hillary Clinton: [does happy dance]

Bill Clinton: WHOO-HOO! Two more years, then Hillary hits the campaign trail and I'll be in Harlem Hooker Hummer Heaven!

The Dixie Chicks: PLEASE come to our concerts! We'll even let you stifle our dissent! PLEEEEEASE? We REALLY need money!

Michael Moore: [throws away script for Ketchup 9/11]

Bruce Springsteen: Well, the song WAS "Born to Run", not "Born to Win".

Ted Kennedy: Heh. Well, Kerry, looks like you're back to being junior Senator again. Now fetch me some gin and a fresh intern.

Al Sharpton: I *told* you I should've gotten the nomination! At least then we could've played the race card after the election. Stupid racist crackers!

Jesse Jackson: *sigh* Back to making illegitimate children...

John Kerry: Wait! Where are you going? It's not over yet! I have a plan! A PLAN, I tell you!

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 04:49 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

According to the Legacy Media, 380 tons of explosives have gone missing in Iraq, and nobody seems to know what happened to them.

I'd like to solve that mystery by declaring that I'm the one who took it. It's currently stacked up in my garage. And don't believe Bush's assertions to the contrary.

Don't worry though, I assure you that I will only use it for peaceful purposes.

Ok, MOSTLY peaceful.

Here's what's on the to-do list:

Attempt to launch the Eiffel Tower into orbit.

Use it to print explosive currency and make a hefty donation to MoveOn.org.

And I suppose I could use some of it to pay off Yassir Arafat's hospital bills, too. Does anyone know what Euros look like?

Start an explosives breeding program. Soon I'll have 760 tons. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DAMN! I just checked - all the explosives are female. I'll have to order something from explosivestuds.com.

Create the ultimate squirrel-proof birdfeeder.

Turns out it's also bird-proof. I'm still tweaking the design.

By adding a little patchouli scent, I can also make it hippy-proof.

Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker removal kits.

Explosive-tipped baby harp seal clubs.

Retaliate against the Arab world by blowing up THEIR tallest building. Shouldn't need much to take out a 2-story tent.

Do they even HAVE buildings? I might have to settle for a particularly tall camel.

I was thinking about making some of those gag exploding golf balls, but I have so much of the stuff, maybe I'll make an exploding golf course, instead.

Suicide bomber jackets. I wonder if I should mention that I set the timers a couple hours ahead?

Nah. I'm sure they'll notice.

"Special" cigars for Fidel Castro. I've heard he appreciates a good practical joke.

Xtreme Play-Doh!

I finally saw Matrix: Revolutions last week. I think I should give some "money" to the Wachowski brothers, too.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:02 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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