March 31, 2006
A recent DC anti-war protest turned out some disappointing numbers for the screeching loony left, and I can't help thinking that they could REALLY improve their attendance figures if they made the events just a LITTLE more red-stater friendly. After all, liberals ARE about being open-minded & non-judgmental, right?
Since I consider myself a fairly typical warmongering, right-wing, gun nut, here's what they could do to get ME to show up to one of their little kook-keggers:
* More SUV parking
* More crazy naked PETA chicks [PG13]!
* I'd really enjoy a Dick Cheney hunter safety course, because every time I try to shoot a lawyer, I end up hitting a quail in the face.
* Sell "Ann Coulter Gone Wild!" DVD's
* Schedule the protest on a weekend so that the gainfully employed can attend.
* Ergonomic comfort-gel Sof-Grip protest sign-handles ("Just say 'NO' to splinters!")
* Free John Kerry silhouette shooting targets ("10 points for the important-looking hair!")
* Free Korans - I've got a wobbly table with a short leg at home.
* Free shampoo - which I'll gladly provide myself if they promise to use it. Seriously - who's the lunatic who told white people they could wear dreadlocks?
* Free Palestine - I always see booths offering it, but when I get there, they never have any. I wonder if it's like funnel cake?
Actually, I'd gladly attend one of those things - and even wave around a "No Blood For Oil!" sign - if they'd just do one simple thing:
* Ban braless grandmothers.
Anyway, what would get YOU to go to a anti-war protest rally?
Posted by: Harvey at
11:58 AM
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March 24, 2006
The new Iraqi Parliament that was elected last December has finally been sworn in, but - due to an egregious mix-up at the ballot box - it turned out that all those elected were actually American Democrats.
Vowing to "do for Iraq what Bushitler won't let us do for America", the new Parliament promised to do the following during its first 100 days:
* Outlaw use of the word "terrorist" - replace it with "person of murder".
* No more death penalty. Except for those who refer to a person of murder as a "terrorist"
* Also outlawed will be the phrase "camel jockey", unless it's used at an actual camel race.
* Or by a rap artist.
* It will be illegal to bow toward Mecca at a public school.
* Having a non-denominational "moment of bending" isn't acceptable either.
* No one will be allowed to draw cartoons of Jesus, Buddha, or Moses. However, the Iraqi government WILL fund artworks such as the urine-soaked holy book, "Whiz Koran".
* No cartoons of Cindy Sheehan, either, because her son died for George Bush's sins.
* BUUUUUUUUUUUSH! *shakes fist at sky*
* Floor sweeping will be forbidden in all bars and restaurants, due to the hazards of "secondhand dirt".
* Meanwhile, the tax on brooms will be raised another 50 cents.
* No one will be allowed to own a gun except for police and persons of murder.
* Camel spiders will now be considered an endangered species, and no oil drilling will be allowed in their habitats.
* Unless the oil is being sold to France, Germany, Russia, or China.
* All camels will be required to get an average of 28 miles per gallon of water.
* 38 for the economy 1-hump models
* Witnesses in court trials have to swear to tell the truth while placing their hand on a copy of "Heather Has Two Mommies".
* All of Saddam's old presidential Palaces will be re-named "The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Palace", followed by a Roman numeral.
* And stop nagging Senator Byrd to apologize for his Klan membership! You people are like a pitbull on a mailman's leg with that!
* All sand dunes will be made wheelchair accessible.
* The new Iraqi flag will be an upside down American flag with a picture of Michael Moore's butt on it.
* Women will have equal rights. To apply for these rights, they should send a resume to intern@cigarsinparliament.com.
Frankly, *I'd* be ok with all of these, as long as they make "Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!" the new Iraqi National anthem. (explanatory reference)
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March 17, 2006
[Caution - the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]
Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists - usually it boils down to something like "Just ignore them and they'll go away... Unless they don't... in which case it's Bush's fault for not connecting the dots."
Now, I'm sure President Bush isn't actually listening to George Clooney, but he's getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.
As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:
Frank J. - "Nuke the moon."
Darth Vader - "Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There's no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should've left the State Department alive."
Dick Cheney - "Aim for the face."
Donald Rumsfeld - "Hey! Vader stole my advice!"
Ann Coulter - "Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."
Gandalf - "More Hobbits"
Michael Jackson - "Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they'll be ripe for the picking."
Jeffrey Dahmer - "Beat 'em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they'll be too tough and stringy."
Laura Roslin - "Throw 'em out the airlock."
Harry Potter - "I'm a pansy. Let Hermione handle it."
C3P0 - "I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win."
Barney the Dinosaur - "Lots of hugs!... and explosives!"
John Cleese - "Wait... are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?"
Satan - "Just get the Arabs high-speed internet access. They'll be too busy Boobling for pr0n to kill anybody... By the way, has anyone seen my autographed copy of 'An Army of Davids'?"
If anyone else has conducted a focus group recently, feel free to share excerpts from your executive summaries in the comments.
Posted by: Harvey at
10:39 AM
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March 03, 2006
According to this story, a slain soldier's widow successfully sued a guy who was giving money to Al Qaeda, which means that - thanks to one of the few lawyers not shot by Dick Cheney - the War on Terror is $102 million dollars closer to being over.
It occurs to me there's another underutilized American resource that could be put to work fighting Islamofascism - Pakistani cab drivers!
Picture this:
TERRORIST: Take me to government building where I can murder innocent people! ULULULULULULU!
PCD: I cannot please to be speaking your English! I get you hotel? Airport? Cocaine? Hookers? Durka! Durka!
TERRORIST: Jihad! Jihad!
PCD: Look Mohammed, I only talk that way to screw with the Yuppies. I don't actually speak your wacky Arab monkey-jabber durka-durka crap! Either take the broads & coke or get the hell out of my cab!
TERRORIST: Fine! I'll get someone else to take me! [gets out, slams door]
PCD: The only place you're going is between the treads of my Goodyear All-Season radials, you terrorist bastard! [sound of squealing tires]
TERRORIST: AIEEEEEE! *squish!*
PCD: USA! USA! USA!
God bless our patriotic geographically-imported transportation engineers.
Posted by: Harvey at
09:38 AM
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March 01, 2006
What are lawyers good for besides quail decoys?
Successfully suing terrorists for their bomb-money.
So if a LAWYER can be a force for good, I wonder what else we could put to work in fighting the War on Terror?
Telemarketers - You can't tell your terrorist sleeper agent to blow up a subway if is line his tied up by incessant inquiries as to whether he's happy with his current long-distance carrier.
Collection Agencies - I underpaid my VISA bil by 37 cents once, and they broke my kneecaps. What chance do terrorists have?
Worried about port security? Just play William Hung tunes over the loudspeakers. Scientific studies show that his tuneless screechings inevitably cause premature detonation in bomb belts. "She Bangs" = *KER-BANG!*
Hollywood celebrities - as human shields around high-risk targets. If it doesn't work, who cares? Plenty more Baldwins where that came from.
Delete the terrorist program and reboot The Matrix - "Whoa!..."
Reprogram that weather control machine Bush used to destroy New Orleans. Everyone knows terrorists melt when you douse them with water, as shown in the documentary, "The Terrorist of Oz".
And if all else fails, we can pass a new law requiring that flight schools only teach Arab students from JFK Jr's textbook, "Flying For Dummies".
Posted by: Harvey at
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