(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

No matter what question you ask John Kerry, he'll somehow manage to mention his Viet Nam service in the answer.

"Where will you be campaigning this week Senator Kerry?"

"I'll be in Florida where President Bush has just finished misleading a hurricane into devastating the countryside, much like I devastated villages with my Zippo when I served in Viet Nam."

Personally, I don't understand that. I served in the Navy for 6 years. You don't hear ME referring to THAT every time I open my mouth:

"Don't you think the sky is a lovely shade of blue today, Harvey?"

"Yes, but not as blue as the shirt I wore during my 6 years in the Navy."

Just let it go, man.

Besides, it's not like Kerry doesn't have lots of post-war accomplishments to brag about, like... um... er... well...

Screw it. I'll just make stuff up:

When the Krypton Criminals invaded Earth and Superman had given up all his powers, John Kerry personally stopped General Zod by using his laser vision.

My cat was stuck in a tree last week. John Kerry stood under it and told war stories until Fluffy passed out from boredom and tumbled to the ground.

When terrorists attacked the World Trade Center in 2001, Kerry said that people shouldn't do that. You'll notice that no one has attacked the WTC since then.

Kerry finally got that THING removed from his face, so he doesn't have to keep picking at it like he did during the Winter Soldier hearings.

He bravely married Teresa Heinz so that no one else had to get stuck with her billions.

He lets Secret Service Agents relieve pent up frustrations by pushing him down. Which is why the phrase is "going Postal" and not "going Secret Service".

Defying the predictions of all the political experts, Kerry found a way to out-dork Michael Dukakis's tank picture.

He stopped the Borg from assimilating Earth by inventing the warp drive.

He ended the argument over whether it's possible for a 60 year old man to look sexy in spandex by proving it's not.

He made Michael Moore stop peeing on the rug by whacking him with a rolled up newspaper.

He rescued important-looking hair from the fashion taboo list.

He made man-on-man public displays of affection socially acceptable outside of San Francisco.

He found Jimmy Buffet's lost shaker of salt.

He gave Bluto the ass-whuppin' he so richly deserved. Yay spinach!

He turned down that job as Viagra spokesman, thus saving the nation from the incaluculable psychic anguish that the mental picture would've caused.

My apologies for the psychic anguish caused by that last mental picture.

He restored America's pride by winning the "Waffle King" title back from the hated Belgians.

He walked across America barefoot with a metal pot on his head, planting apple seeds wherever he went.

He was brilliant as Captain Jack Sparrow in "Pirates of the Caribbean".

Hmmm... I might have to re-Google those last two.

In the last three years, he once went a whole day without saying the words "Viet Nam". Which is more than you can say for the major media outlets.

And most important of all, he's accepted the Democratic party's nomination as "loser of the 2004 election" so that Hillary is free to get her ass kicked in 2008.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:27 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 568 words, total size 4 kb.

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Terrorists can strike anywhere, anytime, so it's important for you to be able to spot them so you can stop them before the do something explodey. Here are some indications that the suspicious-looking person that you're eyeballing may, indeed, be a terrorist:

He claims to be a Syrian musician, but his "flute" has a banana clip and a laser sight.

He asks you if you've got a light, and he's holding up his shoe.

When you inform him politely that you don't smoke, he replies, "You will".

Babies don't normally tick.

If two men are attaching dynamite to a bridge and they're not Clint Eastwood and Eli Wallach, they're terrrorists.

Small yappy dogs aren't terrorists, they're terriers. Don't kill them unless they're REALLY annoying.

Check his shoes. If they say "Nuke" instead of "Nike", be suspicious.

If they say "Nike", but the shoelaces are doing some kind of sparky/smoky/burny thing, stuff him in the nearest toilet.

That small enclosure or closed container in which selected living plants and sometimes small land animals, such as turtles and lizards, are kept and observed is a terrarium, but you're getting warmer.

If you see someone unlawfully using or threatening to use force or violence against people or property with the intention of intimidating or coercing societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons THEN you have found a terrorist.

Or a peace protestor

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:45 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 245 words, total size 2 kb.

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Kevin of Wizbang points out that Kerry actually DROPPED in the polls after the convention, instead of getting the traditional bounce.

Maybe it's because they haven't "gotten their message out"

Or maybe it's because they have.

Or maybe it's because of the numerous gaffes & faux pas that occurred. I have it from VERY reliable sources [makes "pulling it out of my ass" gesture] that these things actually happened during the convention and might have affected popular perception:

The way John Kerry kept "accidentally" brushing his hand against John Edward's ass. Is there NOTHING these guys won't do for the pink vote?

Hillary & Teresa getting caught together in the broom closet was obviously a staged bit of pandering, too.

Barak Obama leaving a finger up while giving the "Black Power" salute.

Teresa catching the reporter after the "shove it" comment to explain the exact where & what of the shoving.

Kerry's delightful, half-assed Benny Hill salute. Which wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't followed it up by chasing bikini-clad bimbos around the stage while Bill Clinton played "Yakety Sax".

Al Gore REALLY shouldn't have worn that brown shirt.

Jimmy Carter was doing fine until someone let a rabbit loose. All that girly-ass screaming and profuse pants-wetting was simply unbecoming for an ex-President.

Michael Moore masturbating while the Alexandra Kerry was onstage. His excuse of "I was imagining her in a fictitious dress" just doesn't justify the action.

Ted Kennedy... a man with an unpleasant water-related history probably shouldn't make jokes about putting people in Boston Harbor. Gesturing with a half-empty gin bottle didn't help, either.

John Edwards did fine. He could've been a little more specific when he was channelling the spirit of Ted Kennedy's dead mother, but... oh... wait... wrong show.

However, you have to admire the way they fixed their f****** balloon problem. When the technician explained that he couldn't drop the balloons from the ceiling because the release lever was stuck, Teresa helpfully instructed him to just "shove it".

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:24 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 347 words, total size 3 kb.