(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

The Presidential debates are coming up, and I'm tired of those softball questions they keep asking, like "what's your favorite color?" and "do you prefer boxers or briefs?" It's time to get serious and ask important questions, like:

For Kerry:

Your wife, Teresa, keeps saying embarrassing things on the campaign trail, making you look bad and dragging down you poll numbers. Is she actually Karl Rove in drag, and, if so, how does this affect the performance of her "wifely duties"?

You have been accused of waffling on the Iraq issue, as well as everything else. How do you respond to this charge? Please give only one answer.

Is your new orange hue an attempt to bring diversity to your otherwise lily-white campaign, or are you merely courting the Oompa-Loompa vote?

How do you plan to convince the French to send troops to Iraq? Also please explain how their Crack Surrender Squad is a more effective fighting force than a division of American Marines.

You have said that you want to free America from its dependence on foreign oil. Doesn't Bush's war in Iraq already accomplish that by stealing Iraq's oil, thus making it non-foreign?

You want America to be "respected instead of feared". Have you considered the fact that both fearful and respectful terrorists can still attack us, but dead ones can't?

Will your health care program include free Botox injections? Just askin'.

The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have been airing some very strongly worded attack-ads against you. Will you retailiate by shooting them in the back and stealing their rocket launchers?

And just to be fair, a couple for the President:

Your credentials for fighting the War On Terror are well established, but what are you doing to combat the well-documented monkey menace that currently threatens our nation? Also, do you think your chimp-like ears will help or hinder this endeavor?

If John Kerry is elected President, will you be stealing all the "F" keys from the White House computers?

Here's hoping that Thursday's debate is run cleanly and fairly.

And that Kerry experiences the first of the 4 losses he can expect before November 3rd.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 08:12 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

At great risk to life and limb, I wiretapped a certain Kinko's fax machine in Abilene, so I know all about the new memos that CBS has gotten in. Over the next week or so, you can probably expect to hear the following unquestionable truths about George W. Bush, since the new memos will clearly show that:

Bush once received preferential treatment after giving an apple to his third grade teacher.

Which also raises questions about whether W. is secretly in the pocket of Big Fruit.

Bob Dole was obviously in league with Big Pineapple, and he was ALSO a Republican, which raises questions about whether America is actually controlled by a three-pronged Fruit-Pepsi-Viagra cabal.

George W Bush used to be an oil-man. Vaseline is a petroleum-baseed product. This implies yet another possible Viagra connection.

For national security reasons, immediately after 9/11, Bush was replaced for all public appearances with a particularly bright, mostly housebroken, shaved chimp named Bobo.

The OLD memos were written by W. himself, as proven by the fact that they included the words "nucular" and "misunderestimated".

Bush once rampaged through a synagogue, flogging moneychangers.

In college, Bush once neglected to tip a pizza delivery guy, thus causing him to miss a mortgage payment and become homeless.

The homeless pizza guy was later murdered by Glenn Reynolds.

Bush receives twice-monthly Botox injections to keep his ears sticking out so far.

The real reason we invaded Iraq is that Bush beat Rumsfeld at a game of rock-paper-scissors.

If Rumsfeld had chosen scissors, we would've just nuked Baghdad.

I wish Rumsfeld would've chosen scissors.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:56 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

After the Republican convention, Bush's poll numbers took a huge bounce, leading Kerry by as much as 11 points. The Democrats responded by sending out half a dozen talking heads to go on various talk shows to say "Well, it's a bounce, which means it goes up and it goes down."

Much like Bill Clinton's pants.

But instead of trotting out wishful thinking, perhaps the Kerry campaign could take some bolder action to get ahead in the polls. How about:

Kerry could get more in touch with the common man by having less important-looking hair. Perhaps he could adopt Donald Trump's creatively-arranged dead-squirrel look.

During the debates, Kerry should turn to Bush and loudly declare, "You have no honor!" and kill him with a bat'leth, thus securing the Klingon vote.

Kerry could invent the internet, thereby ensuring that he'll at least win the popular vote.

Spend more time campaigning. Get out among the people, shaking hands & kissing babies. As long as he doesn't flip-flop and start shaking babies, this should help.

Wear a nametag so that he doesn't have to keep asking people if they know who he is.

The nametag will also come in handy during his next job. Which he won't have very long, since his manager will get sick of him saying, "I gave them fries with that before I didn't give them fries with that."

Legally change his name to an unpronouncable symbol, and have people refer to him as "the candidate formerly known as loser".

Try to be more like Bill Clinton by having Teresa appear at public functions in a slightly stained blue dress.

Wear a thong and pat John Edwards on the ass a lot. It worked for Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball.

Let his heart grow three sizes and return that sleigh full of presents to Whoville.

Prove that he's not an economic girly-man by beating the crap out of John Maynard Keynes.

Shut Zell Miller up by killing a terrorist with a spitball.

Get a job as a waiter in Saigon to maintain his "I served in Viet Nam" bragging rights.

Ditch the wildly unpopular John Edwards and go with a Kerry/Squarepants ticket.

Trust me, John. If you follow all of these suggestions, there's NO WAY you can lose.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 11:15 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Amidst the cacophany of demands made by the protestors at the Republican convention it was hard to discern any clear messages. However, I think I've managed to sort out a partial list of what they want:

Dick Cheney should stop steering government contracts to Halle BerryÂ… or something like that.

Exxon should stop putting blood in their oil. It messes up the octane rating.

It's morally wrong to genetically alter plants. Possible exception for upgrading the THC content of medical marijuana.

Kicking an unconscious cop should be considered a form of free speech, since nobody stole his oil.

AIDS researchers should investigate the healing powers of public nudity.

Public nudity should also be used to pay down the national debt.

As ridiculous as these demands sound, I DO have to agree with ONE of their demands:

DEATH TO CLOWNS!

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:44 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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