September 29, 2005
Ya just GOTTA figure that - sooner or later - that corrupt, embezzling weasel Kofi Annan will get perp-walked out of the UN building.
Which means they'll have to pick a new Secretary General.
Never hurts to start planning ahead. Bush didn't, and now he's got.... what... seven Supreme Court vacancies to fill?... and he's nominated John Roberts for all of them.
Lack of planning, man... just sad.
Fortunately, I'm on top of things with the UNSG. Here's my short list:
* Bambi! He will save us from Godzilla! He... aw CRAP!
* The SON of Bambi! HE will save us from Godzilla!
* Jesse Jackson - He knows how to unite the many-colored peoples of the world into one happy rainbow. Just like Skittles!
* Mmmm... Skittles...
* Bill Gates - If anyone opposes his mighty will, he can make their computer cr
* Hmmm... must've accidentally opposed Bill Gates.
* An Inanimate Carbon Rod - He's already proved his worth by thwarting the plans of the evil insect overlords.
* Frank J. - The moon will finally get the nuking it so richly deserves.
* Jacques Chirac - Then we'd be able to ignore the UN *and* the French at the same time, thus increasing America's disdainfulness quotient.
* SarahK - She'll make the UN pretty by riddling it with bullets.
All have their virtues, but you KNOW who I just have to give the nod to:
* John Bolton
Posted by: Harvey at
08:52 AM
| No Comments
| Add Comment
Post contains 268 words, total size 2 kb.
September 22, 2005
Dozens of terrorist scumbags inmates at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility have gone on a hunger strike in an attempt to draw attention to the fact that they're not getting the due process that they're not entitled to because they're not US citizens.
Wait... that doesn't make any sense.
There must be some other reason for the hunger strikes, about which I speculate thusly:
Think that a gaunt, haggard appearance will make them look sexy - like supermodels!
Really pissed off about being served kosher pickles.
We won't even talk about the matzoh balls.
Trying to trick the guards into force-feeding them to satisfy their nasal-tube fetish.
A publicity stunt to get Cindy Sheehan to stop by.
Brad... Jennifer... *sob*... who can eat?
Can't properly flush a Koran using the low-flow toilets in their cells.
They're deathly afraid of hamburgers after having seen "Supersize Me".
After a 30-day interrogation session featuring Beatles music & Dr. Seuss books, they refuse to eat anything except green eggs and walrus.
Not taking a bite until Season 2 of Firefly goes into production.
I might join them for that one.
I suppose I should be concerned about this tragic development, but somehow I just can't find it in my heart to care.
I'm too broken up about Brad & Jennifer.
Posted by: Harvey at
06:24 PM
| Comments (1)
| Add Comment
Post contains 234 words, total size 2 kb.
September 15, 2005
Recently the UN offered to assist the US in dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Working through their Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, the UN has requested that all member nations donate whatever they can. Below is a partial list of current pledges:
Afghanistan - 34 tons of surplus building rubble.
Australia - 20 million cans of Foster's, each with a souvenier crocodile-tooth can opener that says "No Worries, Mate".
Belarus - 10 black-market suitcase nukes for beefing up security against looters.
Bolivia - 10,000 bushels of cocaine to keep the rescue workers alert.
Brazil - 1 million coupons good for a free bikini wax.
Canada - one slightly used hockey stick.
China - 1 million cookies with super extra happy cheerful lucky fun fortunes, like "You find dry soon".
Cuba - 1000 flotation devices
France - Haughty, derisive laughter.
Germany - A crate of emergency lederhosen.
Greece - 200 burly, hirsute homosexuals.
Guyana - 1000 barrels of grape Kool-Aid
Iran - 1500 "freedom fighters" with explosive "liberty belts".
Ireland - 750 belligerent drunks.
Jamaica - 50 bales of weed and 1000 Rasta hats.
Japan - This handy instructional shirt-folding video.
Kenya - 50 "Holy Crap. Lions! Tours" busses.
Saudi Arabia - 1 million sandbags (bags not included)
Somalia - Assorted warlords & gunmen.
Sweden - The Bikini Team.
UK - Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam.
Also, rumor has it that Kofi Annan himself will be pledging $10 billion dollars of embezzled funds to the Red Cross.
Or maybe he pledged to embezzle $10 billion from the Red Cross. Hard to tell, his English is only so-so.
Anyway, if you've heard of any other pledges, feel free to mention them in the comments.
If you'd like to MAKE a pledge, see the Red Cross.
Posted by: Harvey at
03:25 PM
| Comments (2)
| Add Comment
Post contains 324 words, total size 3 kb.
September 09, 2005
A lot of people have tried to blame Hurricane Katrina on President Bush.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., for example, claims it's because Bush refused to sign legislation reducing CO2 output, thus contributing to global warming and causing chaotic weather patterns, including Hurricane Katrina.
Silly Bobby! George's Katrina connection is far more crafty and subtle than the ham-fisted scenario that you outline. His actual contributions to global warming include such diverse elements as:
* Boiling water to make tea, but not immediately turning off the stove burner afterwards.
* Ordering extra jalepenos with his nachos.
* Allowing Kim Jong Il's poofy hair to trap carbon dioxide - a known greenhouse gas.
* Sure, he made Kim get it cut eventually, but not until AFTER the damage was already done.
* Having two really hot daughters.
Once his negligence allowed Katrina to form, he didn't do anything to prevent it's destructive rampage. Consider:
* He could've lined the Gulf Coast with big fans and blown Katrina down to Cuba - but he didn't.
* He could've ordered the space shuttle to orbit the Earth really fast, thus turning back time so that the hurricane could've been prevented - but he didn't.
* He could've stood atop a levee shouting "By the power of Grayskull, I command you to stop!" - but he didn't.
That's right. He let Hurricane Katrina have free reign to do whatever the hell she wanted!
WHY?
Because hurricanes tend to vote Republican, THAT'S why!
But you'd think Chimpy McBushitler would've at LEAST been smart enough to make the APPEARANCE of helping out after the storm, right?
HA!
* He was overheard praying for God to "take care of those poor people in New Orleans". Apparently he meant "take care of" in the Don Corleone sense.
* Remember that plastic turkey Bush tried serving to the troops in 2003? He could've airdropped thousands of them to the victims to use as flotation devices - but he didn't!
* He was even videotaped casting a spell on the Sorcerer's Broom to carry buckets of water into the city to drown everyone!
(artist's conception of President Bush causing flooding)
But even if all this evidence doesn't convince you, you still can't deny that the following Top Secret photograph proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that George Bush is responsible for Hurricane Katrina:
(Actual picture of President Bush's weather control machine)
Crap! Gotta run! Black helicopters!!!
Don't let Bush get away with this!1!!
Posted by: Harvey at
07:17 PM
| Comments (2)
| Add Comment
Post contains 426 words, total size 3 kb.
September 01, 2005
According to modern leftist dogma, the whole reason we went to Iraq is to steal oil. Yet oil's going for nearly $70 a barrel these days.
Since it's obvious that he didn't sell it on the open market, what did W do with all that stolen oil?
My theories:
* Fixed that sticky door hinge on Air Force One.
* Needed supplies for the "Oil-Wrestle Condi" contest.
* Keeps it in his personal refinery so that he has enough gas to drive his International CXT across town if he wants to.
* Dumped it in Boston Harbor as a protest against England's "Texas Tea Tax".
* He's reverse-engineering it to make an army of dinosaurs.
* Sea otters have become tragically non-flammable in recent years. Trend now reversed.
* It's still sitting in Iraq, because Bush is having trouble getting blood for it.
* Bush hopes that if he keeps enough oil for himself, his monkey-faced daughters will grow up to be as pretty as Elly May.
* It's even possible that he didn't steal the oil. Maybe it's just that there are no barrels left to put the oil in because Bush had them made into steelpan drums which he's giving away to boost his poll numbers in the Caribbean-American community.
* However, based on recently acquired satellite images, I'd have to say that it's pretty obvious that he's just hiding it in and around the White House.
(click to enlarge)
BONUS FUN GAME: How many barrels of George Bush's stolen oil can you find in this picture?
Posted by: Harvey at
09:29 AM
| Comments (4)
| Add Comment
Post contains 279 words, total size 2 kb.
72 queries taking 0.086 seconds, 164 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.
