(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

John Kerry - a man of wealth and taste - is running for the office of president on the theme that he stands shoulder to shoulder with the average American, the little guy that W is abusing, ignoring, oppressing, slaughtering by the train-car-full, or whatever.

But the fact is that John Kerry isn't quite on the same wavelength as Johnny Lunchpail & Suzie Homemaker. There are some thing he just... doesn't... quite... get... For example:

If you want to impress chicks with your "package" it helps if it's not 2/3 empty.

"Speaking French" is only an asset if it describes your kissing technique.

Some people would've been happier if that "son of a bitch" Secret Service agent really HAD pushed him down on the ski slope.

"Nuance" and "double-talking bullshit" are synonymous.

It's not that people don't know who he is, it's just that they don't care.

Nobody over the age of 50 should wear spandex.

It's ok to marry an heiress, but TWO of them? Come, on John, don't be a pig about it. Leave some for the rest of us.

He REALLY needs a better plan for promoting job growth than "I'm going to hire another chauffeur next week".

On the bright side, he DID manage to miss 80% of the Senate votes this year. If he could promise me a 25% increase in that figure, I'd vote for him myself.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 03:46 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

If you're like me, you probably get annoyed when you see stupid bumper stickers on a car like "Bush lied, people died" and "No blood for oil". Don't you wish you could put another sticker on there to make that car a little more fair and balanced? For example:

If clues were gas, I'd be running on fumes.

My tremendous Bush hatred compensates for my tiny penis.

I put a daisy in a rifle barrel and all I got was this lousy exit wound.

My momma didn't hug me enough.

I celebrate diversity by hating Christian Conservate White Men.

There are no WMD
There are no active WMD
There are no stockpiles of active WMD
There are no large stockpiles of active WMD
Support Goalpost Movers Union Local 538

Caution: Driver is easily distracted by shiny objects.

Bush = Hitler... because they're both worth 9 points in Scrabble.

My other car is a short bus.

Girly man on board.

Give appease a chance.

Bringing a knife to the gunfight of ideas.

How did you know I spoke French?

Wishing really hard will make terrorists go away.

And my personal favorite:

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 06:15 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that Michael Moore will die some day. How will it happen? I have a few theoretical speculations:

When he goes up to accept the "Best Documentary" award at the next Oscars, he'll rant and froth for a while, then have himself a massive "I'm comin' Elizabeth!" chest-gripping infarction. No one will try to save him, because everyone will assume that he's having a fictitious heart attack.

During a trip to the zoo, he'll be torn apart by an overly-enthusiastic anal-mating from an amorous rhino.

Girly-slapped to death by Al Franken during an argument over who hates Bush more.

Blunt force trauma resulting from when one of the astronauts doing repairs outside the International Space Station "accidentally" drops a wrench.

Since the wrench's homing device will burn up on re-entry, it'll LOOK like an accident.

Eaten to death by ravenous, shit-hungry flies believing him to be the world's biggest cow pattie.

Hulk smash.

A terrorist will fly a plane into him.

Which is understandable, given his resemblance to the Epcot center.

Rolled away by Oompa-Loompas, never to be seen again.

Although you shouldn't be surprised to see Willy Wonka introducing "Nacho Cheese Asshat Chips" shortly thereafter.

He won't survive his trip to the NRA national convention after being mistaken for the world's largest skeet.

While mischievously lighting a fart at an out-of-control Hollywood party, he'll be blown up by a heat-seeking missile.

He tugged on Superman's cape, spit into the wind, pulled the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger, and messed around with Jim. What was he thinking?

He breathed, which made Chomps VERY angry.

Blown up by a lucky shot from Luke Skywalker's X-wing fighter.

Eaten by the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man. How ironic is THAT?

Starved to death during the two months that it took to do a cavity search on him at the airport.

Hey, an asshole that big is gonna take a while to thoroughly investigate.

Collapsed to a singularity under his own gravitational forces and is now known in the astonomy books as "Black Hole MM1"

Personally, I wish him a long life - strictly for his value as blogfodder.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:48 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Niiiiice .... but where is the one when he gets used as a "lard bomb" after filming terrorists in his next blobumentary? And, yes, I'm alive and fairly well.

Posted by: That 1 Guy at July 13, 2004 09:24 AM (atVdK)

2 The only problem with collapsing into a black hole is that he would immediately sink into the earth and go into orbit around the center of the planet, said orbit being contained entirely within the planet. As he orbits around, he will be consuming matter at a prodigious rate (nothing new for him, actually) and will slow down. His orbit will "decay" bringing him ever closer to the core. Eventually, he will consume the entire planet. On the other hand, that might actually be one of his goals in life....

Posted by: RadarRider at July 13, 2004 12:06 PM (OaTVj)

3 I believe you maent to say the worlds largest Scat, not skeet. Perfectly understandible typo.

Posted by: tommy at July 13, 2004 01:35 PM (2i1GN)

4 RR - yeah, I was afraid I was going to lose some of my geek street cred with that line :-) Oh well, comedy is all about taking chances... Tommy - Did I type "a" instead of "ee"? Hmmm... guess I did. I hate involuntary vowel movements :-D

Posted by: Harvey at July 13, 2004 06:12 PM (ubhj8)

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(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

If Michael Moore had a theme song, what would it be?

For some reason, I always had the big guy pegged as a Manilow fan, so it would probably go something like this:

I TELL THE LIES

I've hated Bush forever, and I told the very first lie,
I put bad film and the stretched-out truth together.
I am bullshit, and I tell the lies.

I tell the lies that make the whole world sick.
I tell the lies because I'm such a prick.
I tell the lies that make good people cry.
I tell the lies, I tell the lies.

My lies hurt deep within you
They come straight from my foul black soul.
And when my movies say that Bush is out to get you.
You must believe it's true if the Academy says it's so.

I tell the lies that make you want to hurl.
I tell the lies that make your stomach curl.
I tell the lies that make my own mom cry.
I tell the lies, I tell the lies.

Around the truth I like to dance.
In my size 200 pants
I've written cock & bull you can't believe.
Lefty hatred fills my heart
Like the bad gas in a fart.
If it's from me it's not true
From your look I can see
You can't believe my blasphemy.

I tell the lies that make you hate my guts.
You want to kick me hard right in the nuts.
I tell so many lies, but I don't care.
I tell the lies, I tell the lies

I am BULLSHIT, and I tell the LIIIIIIIES!

Posted by: Harvey at 10:29 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 283 words, total size 2 kb.