July 29, 2005
Even with his penchant for plaid pants and his eagerness to wrestle with sweaty, half-naked young men, Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts faced strong criticism from the left for his lack of overt homosexuality.
"When Roberts was first introduced," said butt-sex-loving possibly-closeted-lesbian leftist blogger Wonkette. "I thought that Bush was trying to break ground with the first Gay-American Supreme Court justice. Why else would he give a girl's SCOTUS seat to a guy?"
"But as I looked deeper into his past, I was disappointed. Sure, he was a man-grabbing drama-princess in high school, but he also played football - although that last may have been an excuse to snag an eyeful of locker-room boy-booty."
"I really got my hopes up," continued Wonkette, "when I read that he'd had a role in the musical 'You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown'. I thought that if he played that *ahem* thumb-sucker Linus - you know, the one who kept rebuffing that pretty blond girl, Sally - that would seal the deal on him being light in the loafers. Unfortunately, he played Peppermint Patty."
"I guess I should give him SOME gay-cred for portraying a lesbian, though."
When questioned directly at a recent press conference, Roberts briefly acknowledged his disappointly mild homosexuality.
"Of course I'm gay," said Roberts. "Who wouldn't be festive & cheerful after being nominated to the Supreme Court? But I'll try to contain myself until after the hearings."
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July 22, 2005
After the terrorist bombings in London, it's become more important than ever for the average citizen to be able to detect crazy Muslims who mean us harm. As a public service to my readers, I offer this simple quiz to help you determine your terrorist-spotting ability. Simply aim your sidearm at the correct answer and pull the trigger. If your monitor doesn't explode, you've chosen correctly:
1) Smells like a monkey, but has no tail.
a) Terrorist
b) Frenchman
2) Label on designer suit jacket reads "C4 of Hollywood"
a) Terrorist
b) Worthress Arec Bardwin
3) Towel on head
a) Terrorist
b) Galactic Hitchhiker eluding Ravenous Bugbladder Beast of Traal
4) Swarthy, hirsuite, bearded man with evil glint in his eye and no discernable sense of humor
a) Terrorist
b) Harvey
5) Sneakers have radiation symbol instead of Nike Swoosh
a) Terrorist
b) Merchandising whore Kobe Bryant
6) Makes pet Yorkie wear an explosive cardigan
a) Terrorist
b) Gay terrorist
7) Memorizes Holy Book, flies into murderous rage at slightest hint of blasphemy
a) Terrorist
b) SarahK
Prominently displays crescent moon on front door
a) Terrorist
b) Outhouse
9) Shouts "ULULULULULULULU!"
a) Terrorist
b) Country singer who misses his girlfriend, Lulu
10) Hates dogs
a) Terrorist
b) Terminator
11) Lives in the desert, sleeps in a tent, fires gun in the air at weddings
a) Terrorist
b) Buck the Marine
12) Man wearing long, flowing, badly-fitting dress
a) Terrorist
b) Transvestite
13) Kills innocent people when they least expect it
a) Terrorist
b) Ted Kennedy
14) Tries to smuggle weapons through airport security
a) Terrorist
b) Grandma and her knitting needles
15) Whooping it up at a strip club for a final night of earthly pleasure before his long-awaited entrance into Paradise
a) Terrorist
b) Frank J. at his bachelor party
Since this quiz is self-grading, I won't be posting an answer key. But if you got any answers wrong, buy a new monitor and try again.
America's safety depends on you getting a perfect score.
Posted by: Harvey at
06:36 AM
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July 15, 2005
After the cowardly attacks in London, the Brits went completely whacking hatstand, plotting bloody vengeance against those what done them wrong.
In their own typical, understated, cultured, and excessively polite English way, the Crown's Tommy's re-doubled their efforts in the Middle East to stick a dagger in the heart of organized Muslim terror.
Amongst the weaponry rapidly deployed against the filthy terrorists were such diverse elements as:
The Rather Unpleasant Exploding Head Laser Beam
The 20 Megaton Nuclear Crumpet of Mild Inconvenience
The Terribly Sorry About That Old Chap 7.62mm Explosive Sniper Round
The Didn't Mean to Trouble You Electrified Gonad Zapper and Battlefield Intelligence Procurer
The Double-Oh Eyeball Knife
Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Napalm Spam Spam Spam and Spam
The Bit of a Sticky Rocket-Propelled Wicket
The 'Tis But a Scratch Depleted Uranium Bugger the Blighters Bunker Buster Missile
The Not Quite Cricket Cluster Bomb
The Nudge Nudge Say No More Bazooka
And...
A special propaganda bomb containing pamphlets imprinted with a single, multiple choice question:
"Sunny morning, me cheeky monkeys, and quiz me this: What word best describes Osama bin Laden?A) arse-bandit
B) back scuttler
C) battyboy
D) beaver leaver
E) bender
F) brown hatter
G) buftie
H) bum-chum
I) chutney ferret
J) friend of Dorothy
K) fudge nudger
L) jobby jabber
M) knob jockey
N) marmite miner
O) mincer
P) pillow-biter
Q) poncey
R) poofter
S) shirtlifter
T) uphill gardener
U) all of the aboveANSWER: OO! Sorry! Trick question! The correct answer is "You'll be stone dead in a moment because the bomb after this one won't be filled with paper. Cheerio, ya rammy arse-monger!"
I *do* so love the Brits. Bless them and pray for them, and may their swords forever drip with the blood of Mangy Mohammeds.
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08:46 PM
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July 01, 2005
At a recent White House press conference...
SCOTT MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Although I'm usually the one who has to handle questions from you journalistic jackals, President Bush has informed me that I'm not being aggressive enough with my responses, and he'll be handling the briefing today... Mr. President?
W: And you're too damn fat, too. Now, in order to encourage more respectful questions, I'll be instituting a program of rewards and punishments as a way of giving you feedback on your level of professionalism. Ok, who wants to go first?
ABC: Why is murdering journalists the official policy of the US Armed Forces?
W: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Could you please step a little closer to the podium?
ABC: Sure... How's that?
W: Perfect... [presses button opening trap door]
ABC: EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
W: Since that pit has no bottom that I'm aware of, I should just go ahead & take the next question...
CBS: As CBS proved last year, you went AWOL from the National Guard. When will you be surrendering yourself for prosecution by a military tribunal?
W: Now THAT was a fair and balanced question. Here... have this cookie as your reward...
CBS: Tofu! My favorite! [munch, munch]
W: Now... you can either have the answer to your question or the antidote to the poison in the cookie.
CBS: I... [THUD!]
W: Hmmm... that recipe needs some fine-tuning... NEXT!
NBC: NAZI! Why don't you just grow a postage-stamp moustache and goose-step around the Oval Office?
W: Does the phrase "dodged a bullet" mean anything to you? [BLAM! BLAM!... THUD!]... guess not... Next question.
CNN: Could you please give us details on how you let Iraq turn into such a quagmire, and also, when ARE you going to grow that moustache, Hitler?
W: Good question. The answer is, the venom of a black mamba can kill a human being in four hours if, say, bitten on the ankle or the thumb, However, a bite to the face or torso can bring death from paralysis within 20 minutes.
CNN: I don't understand how that relates to...
W: You will... [pulls rope releasing a shower of black mambas from the ceiling]
CNN: AAH! AAH! OH GOD! MY FACE! AAAAAAAH!
W: Anyway, let me check with my research team and I'll get back to your question in about 20 minutes... NEXT!
MSNBC: Do you have an exit strategy for ending the unilateral occupation of Iraq that you're only doing to steal oil because you lied about WMD as proven by the Downing Street Memo?
W: Well, as Rummy explained some time ago, it's more of a victory strategy than an exit strategy. The key to it is that we're adopting Zell Miller's "spitball" techniques. Let me show you... *spitooie!*
MSNBC: OW! MY EYE! I'M BLIND!
W: No, you're only half-blind... *spitooie!*
MSNBC: OW! MY OTHER EYE!
W: NOW you're blind... NEXT!
REUTERS: How do you sleep at night knowing that the blood of millions of innocent Iraqi civilians is on your hands?
W: Well, I find that being mauled by pit bulls is quite conducive to relaxation... See for yourself... [whispering to Scott] release the hounds...
[*barking, chewing, screaming*]
W: Can we get a mop in here?... Now, who's next?
[silence]
W: I guess that wraps this thing up... still plenty of cookies left if you guys are hungry.
ALL REPORTERS: YAY! FREE FOOD!
W [to Scott, as they leave the room together]: Lord help them, they're just not. That. Bright.
SCOTT: They did major in journalism...
W: Touché
SCOTT: We're gonna need some help removing all these bodies...
W: Yeah... maybe we can get that guy who handled all of the Clintons' corpse-related issues. You know... that Gollum-looking fella...
SCOTT: James Carville?
W: That's the one.
SCOTT: He's a pretty staunch Democrat. I don't think he'll help us.
W: Persuade him...[hands Scott some Polaroids]
SCOTT: Is that a llama that he's...?
W: See if he'll take those as payment.
SCOTT: Very good, Mr. President... [hurrys away]
W: I love press conferences... [strolls down the hall whistling "Yellow Rose of Texas"]
Posted by: Harvey at
08:33 PM
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