March 19, 2006
Sure, you know about the puppy blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshipping, commie praising, robot dancing, Frank J. punching, and penguin porn, but here are some things you DIDN'T know about Glenn Reynolds:
* Glenn Reynolds can crash you server just by thinking about linking to you.
* Glenn Reynolds writes Garfield fan-strips, all of which end with Odie getting stuffed into a blender.
* They're STILL less predictable than the ones Jim Davis writes.
* You know that asteroid belt between Mars & Jupiter? That used to be a planet until Glenn Reynolds thought about linking to it.
* The KKK was completely harmless until Glenn Reynolds suggested that they put eye-holes in their hoods.
* Spammers originally got the idea for sending out a million e-mails per day by watching Glenn Reynolds post at Instapundit.
* It was Glenn Reynolds who first said to William Hung - "You've got talent. Go audition for American Idol."
* Satan's biggest fear is that he'll have to spend eternity with Glenn Reynolds after he dies.
* Glenn Reynolds' glasses are the only thing keeping his laser vision from incinerating the universe.
* Glenn Reynolds once deflected a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick by thinking about linking to it.
* Glenn Reynolds murdered Socrates by telling him his cup of hemlock was actually a Starbucks Iced White Chocolate Macchiato
* Nuclear bombs fear Glenn Reynolds going off on them.
* There's more than one way to skin a cat, and they were all discovered by Glenn Reynolds.
* Glenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas.
* One drop of Glenn Reynolds' bath water contains enough residual evil to de-sanctify Vatican City.
* Puppy blood is the secret ingredient in Insta-Cola.
* When CNN interviews Glenn Reynolds, they have to put special filters on the camera lenses, lest TV viewers be turned to stone.
* As for the fate of the audience in the studio... now you know where garden gnomes come from.
* Glenn Reynolds' remote control only has one button. When he presses it, his TV automatically tunes to the evilest show available.
* Usually "Full House".
* Glenn Reynolds' printer is a Hewlett-Packed BloodJet model 900.
* Spelling "Glenn Reynolds" on a Scrabble board will summon the demon Atazoth who - legends say - will exact retribution on the Overworld by getting Hillary elected in '08.
* Google recently changed their motto to "Don't be Glenn Reynolds".
* Glenn Reynolds personally hand-stitched Janet Jackson's Superbowl outfit.
* The blind leading the blind isn't so bad... Glenn Reynolds likes leading them into traffic during rush hour.
* In Glenn Reynolds' DVD collection, "Schindler's List" is filed under "Comedy", right between "Saw 2" and "Scream".
* Glenn Reynolds taught Senator Palpatine how to do that fingertip-lightning thing.
* The Lemarchand Box in "Hellraiser" is a device used by Cenobites to summon Glenn Reynolds.
* Glenn Reynolds never thought about linking to Martha Stewart, but he DID send her an e-mail on December 26, 2001, that was completly blank except for the word "Sell".
* Glenn Reynolds introduced Bill to Monica.
* Good things come to those who wait - unless Glenn Reynolds steals them first.
* Glenn Reynolds never actually punched Frank J. - he got Frank J. to punch himself by thinking about linking to him.
I wonder what would happen if I spelled "Frank J." on a Scrabble board...
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March 13, 2006
In an apparent effort to clean up his image, Glenn Reynolds hired a Public Relations agent to try to spin his image so he doesn't look quite so much like the blackhearted dominar of the blogosphere that we all know him to be. Here's a transcript of the CNN "On The Story" interview with info-hottie Abbi Tatton:
ABBI: Instapundit - is he the eagle-eyed Truth watchdog of new media, or just talentless hack pajama-wearing blogger who lives in his mother's basement and tortures animals for fun? Today we're speaking with Twist Spinner, the Public Relations agent for Glenn Reynolds who promises to help us sort fact from fiction.
TWIST: Pleasure to be here with you today, since I really dig chicks with big hair. Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like Monica Lewinsky?
ABBI: [giggles] Flatterer!... but seriously, what's up with that puppy blending thing?
TWIST: A rumor wrapped in a falsehood inside a distortion. While Mr. Reynolds DOES frequently put puppies in blenders and grind them into a bloody pulp, it has nothing to do with the supposed "consuming their cuteness for energy" that's usually ascribed to it. He only does it to prevent the spread of Bird Flu. This dangerous disease threatens all of humanity and recently jumped from birds to weasels. Reynolds discovered that it's now affecting dogs:
and he's just trying to save the world from disease-ridden mutants, sort of like when Darth Vader blended the Jedi Younglings in Star Wars Episode III in an attempt to save the Old Republic.
ABBI: I see... what about the Robot Dancing?
TWIST: Glenn Reynolds believes in celebrating multicultural diversity, and as part of his Black History Month festivities, he showcased several dance styles - like the Robot Dance - made popular by great African-American entertainers like MC Hammer, Michael Jackson, Vanilla Ice, and Donny Osmond. It's his way of fighting back against racism.
ABBI: But doesn't he usually do his Robot Dancing while praising communists?
TWIST: You know, Abbi, great African-American leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King were also frequently smeared as communists by the racist right-wing media, and I'm disappointed by your crass perpetuation of this bigoted myth. Thank God for the pioneering work of Mr. Reynolds. With his help, the healing can finally begin.
ABBI: What about the Satan-worshipping?
TWIST: Another attempt at prejudicial fear-mongering. His religious services are frequently described as "Black masses in service of the Prince of Darkness", but surely you can see that "black" and "darkness" are just racist code-words used by the white Republican power structure to promote negative stereotypes against our melanin-enhanced brethren.
ABBI: So you're saying President Bush is a skinhead Neo-Nazi because he worships God?... Well, I guess that explains why he blew up the levees in New Orleans... What about Glenn's habitual punching of Frank J.? Is that a symbolic blow against the white Republican power structure?
TWIST: No, it's just fun to make Frank J. cry like a girl.
ABBI: I see... Well, that's all the time we have today. Join us next week here at "On The Story" when superstar blogger Michelle Malkin will be sharing her recipe for minced kitten brownies.
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March 06, 2006
When Instapundit covered the "Ricin in Texas" story, he was amazingly quick to dismiss it as nothing.
Which makes wonder how he knows so much about illicit items such as this that he could confirm or deny its legitimacy from a thousand miles away. Isn't that more knowledge than a simple country lawyer should have?
Made me wonder what he's been up to, so I tossed his house while he was out pimping his book, and although I didn't find any chemical or biological weapons, I *did* find the following suspicious items:
* A scale model of New Orleans with signs near Lake Pontchartrain saying "levee bombs go here".
* An original vintage 1960's Easy Bake Meth Lab.
* A copy of John Wayne Gacy's "Clowing For Dummies".
* A Samurai sword forged in 593 B.C., with the metal in the blade folded over 200 times.
* A first edition of "To Serve Man", in the original Kanamit.
* The shrunken head of Steven Den Beste.
* Michele Malkin's minced kitten brownie recipe.
* A "Tickle Me Osama" doll.
* A small vial of something which I did not smell, and therefore assume to be Iocane powder.
I also found a voice-operated blender in every room with varying amounts of leftover puppy coagulating in them, but these didn't strike me as being odd.
All I have to do now is figure out what he plans to do with all this stuff...
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February 24, 2006
Discovery Channel has a show called "Mythbusters" wherein special-effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman examine popular urban legends, constructing elaborate experiments to determine whether they have any basis in fact. For example, if you use a bullet in place of one of your truck's fuses, can it go off and shoot you?
Recently, Adam & Jamie undertook one of their most intriguing investigations to date: Does the cuteness of a puppy actually effect its potency as an energy drink, as claimed by Glenn Reynolds?
First, test puppy A:
Wow! That's one ugly puppy!
After thorough blending:
The beverage was fed to an anonymous test subject, known only as F.J.:
Hmmm... doesn't look too energetic...
Next, test puppy B:
Blend! Blend! Blend:
What does F.J. think about this one?
And there you have it folks, Glenn Reynolds was right: "the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink"
Be sure to check out Mythbusters next week when they investigate whether worshipping Satan can make your crappy book rise to #1 at Amazon.
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February 20, 2006
During a recent interview on CNN, Glenn took the Legacy Media to task for not showing the infamously offensive Muhammed cartoons, saying "I think when you cover things up, you let people's imaginations run wild, and the results are often worse than if you expose things. The press is there to tell us things, not to hide things from us."
Ironically, CNN proved Glenn's point by omitting the portion of the interview where Glenn held up this controversial political cartoon:
Also omitted was footage of journalists rioting outside the building after the interview, where an ugly puppet of Reynolds was burned in effigy.
I know I'm risking my life by posting these pictures, but if I don't, then the journalists win.
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February 10, 2006
After this controversial picture of a young girl holding a stuffed puppy appeared on the CENTCOM web site, the leader of the Instapundslam religion, Imam Glenn al-Reynolds, issued a fatwa condeming the image:
"The central tenet of Instapundslam is that puppies should be blended to make potent energy drinks for the blogging faithful. It is blasphemy of the highest order to depict them in any form that is either adorable or unblended. This cuddly manifestation of our sacred power source is an affront to our beliefs. We demand an apology and the immediate pureeing of this unholy fluff-filled icon. Hmmm. Heh. Jihad. Indeed."
Imam Glenn al-Reynolds
The heart-warming image of the loveable tot and her cherished toy has provoked uncontrolled rioting and robot-dancing world-wide by outraged Instapundslamists.
Blogger Michelle Malkin denounced the fatwa as "the fevered rantings of a power-hungry, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murdering madman", and encouraged bloggers everywhere to protest al-Reynolds' pronouncement by posting pictures of themselves snuggling with stuffed animals and sending a trackback to her site.
"Honestly," said Malkin, taking a bite of a brownie made from minced kittens, "what kind of wacky religion would drink blended puppies?"
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February 04, 2006
Sometimes I really regret signing up for Instapundit's mailing list. Every day it seems like my inbox is bogged down with notices about his latest illicit get-rich-quick scheme.
Like this one, for example:
From: Glenn Reynolds - Blogospheric Overlord
To: Those who will someday kneel before me
Now that Google has cast aside its foolish "core belief" of "don't be evil", I've been able to partner with them to bring you:
ILLOOGLE!™
A clearinghouse for information on all the illegal, immoral, questionable, offensive, and/or downright shady products and services offered by Evil Glenn Industries, Inc.
With the power of Illoogle™, you'll have access to:
Pup-A-Mule - Tired of risking your loved ones' lives by having them swallow heroin balloons? With Pup-A-Mule, you can turn any puppy into your own personal 4-legged drug importation vector. Kit comes with surgical steel scalpel, Ziploc brand re-sealable HeroIn Bags, and Arrow brand tummy-stapler for post-insertion closure.
Legal Notice: Not responsible for personal injury due to unremoved tummy-staples in puppy shakes.
Sacra-Hobo - Need a human sacrifice to appease your Satanic master's need for fresh blood? You could shop your local Screen Actors Guild Union Hall (it's not like anyone would miss a Tim Robbins or two), but why not let us deliver a US Grade A Government Select hobo right to your door, instead? Bound, gagged, and pre-inebriated to reduce struggling, these pathetic creatures are accepted as payment on soul-for-power contracts by most major evil deities.
Legal Notice: Be sure to check your soul-for-power contract for specific terms and conditions. Not responsible for unspeakable afterlife torturings resulting from contract breaches.
Mo-ha-ha-ha-med - Live in a country that's caved in to terrorist demands to censor cartoons that make fun of Islamic prophets? Look no further than the Mo-ha-ha-ha-med web portal, where you can find all the funniest portrayals of the head-choppingest, child-bride-takingest, bomb-for-a-turbinest prophet that ever wrote a Koran. Don't let YOUR cowardly government control what you can and can't see. Use Mo-ha-ha-ha-med and take a firm stand for free speech!
Legal Notice: Not responsible for renegade JOOOOOOS! having fatwahs issued against them.
CommieTruth.com - Ok, I lied. Screw free speech. APPROVED speech is where it's at. CommieTruth.com is the only search engine guaranteed to provide the 100% capitalist-pig-opinion-free information that my Maoist masters feel that it's safe for you to know. After all, those guys are smart enough to oppress 1.3 billion people. You've probably never even oppressed a goldfish, so who the hell are YOU to say that rude little Tiananmen Square rumor is true? Huh? HUH?... that's what I thought... you just keep your yap shut, little man.
Legal Notice: YAY! Commies!
You'll also find:
Sa-Tan-A-Rama Soul-For-Power Contracts
Hmmm, Heh, & Indeed - Shysters at Law
Frank J. Punchers Anonymous
Ann Althouse hOt aMaTeUr Webcam
Pez! Pez! Pez! (from the makers of Soylent Green)
Plus hundreds of other specialty sites, only available through:
ILLOOGLE!™
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January 30, 2006
Did you see Instapundit's post on the New Horizons probe that was launched toward Pluto? He seemed quite indifferent about the whole thing, which is - for a dweeby techno-geek like him - VERY suspicious.
Thanks to some NSA eavesdropping transcripts, I found out why Glenn was trying to avoid drawing attention to the launch beforehand. He had a sinister plot for using the New Horizons ship for his own nefarious purposes. Specifically, he's going to use it to murder hobos to curry favor with Satan in order to maintain his position as the most powerful blogger in the world (as foretold by The Prophet Frank J.).
Yeah, I know how unbelievable it sounds, but I have proof. Glenn sketched out his plan on the back of a napkin during a recent trip to the Memphis Zoo. I stole it while he was busy staring at the penguins & mumbling something about "pretty, pretty feathers".
Evidence in the extended entry with Glenn's notes in italics... more...
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January 22, 2006
After being discovered in Los Angeles surrounded by a pile of recently-sacrificed hobos, Glenn Reynolds underwent a DNA test to see if he was the real killer.
Well, you KNOW what happens to DNA evidence in trials for murders committed in California, so Glenn walked, based on the fact that his hobo-murdering gloves were two sizes too small.
Ah, the power of washing things in hot water.
Nevertheless, I *did* manage to get ahold of a copy of the lab report on Glenn's DNA, from which I compiled these:
While most humans have 98% of their DNA in common with a chimp, Glenn is 99% poodle.
Glenn's DNA will begin robot dancing if exposed to pure commie evil and/or Ted Kennedy.
Glenn's DNA was once shot a man for snoring too loud.
Remember that mobile weapons lab they found in Iraq? It was used for manufacturing Glenn's DNA.
Most people have Adenine, Guanine, Cytosine, and Thymine making up their DNA sequences. Glenn has Iodine, Einsteinium, Nitrogen, and Dysprosium, with the most common sequence being "I-N-D-E-E-D".
If Glenn's DNA bites you, you will start blogging by the next full moon.
If you're already a blogger, you will launch a blog ad consortium called "Lingerie Media" which people will make fun of.
Glenn's DNA made a cameo appearance during the Cantina scene in Star Wars. Look closely while Luke is talking to the bartender.
Glenn's DNA is used as currency in Iraq, although they pronounce it "dinar".
DNA tests prove that Glenn Reynolds and Michele Malkin are identical twins, but in an Arnold Shwarzenegger & Danny DeVito kinda way.
The secret ingredient in Underdog's "Super Energy Vitamin Pill" was Glenn's DNA. How's that for irony?
Traces of Glenn's DNA were found all over New Orleans, leading to speculation that Hurricane Katrina was caused by Glenn's typing too fast.
Glenn's DNA shows scars from where he had the "basic human decency" gene surgically removed.
Extensive testing on Glenn's DNA reveals that he's the real father of all those creepy "Village of the Damned" kids.
Glenn's DNA is featured prominently in the "Organic Chemistry Gone Wild: Spring Break" DVD.
Glenn's DNA released a rap album under the name "Vanilla Splice".
Injections of Glenn's DNA will cause a laboratory rat to grow inside a cancerous tumor.
If you're attacked by Glenn's DNA, point behind it and shout, "Look! An unlinked Ann Althouse post!". Flee when it turns to look.
Due to a defect in the 23rd chromosome, Glenn's DNA can NOT be trained to walk down stairs like a Slinky.
"What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkity sound?"... GAH! Now I can't get that stupid song out of my head!
Glenn's DNA always cries at the end of "Old Yeller".
And remember, the most commonly available source of Glenn Reynolds' DNA is rent-by-the-hour motel mattresses.
Oh, wait... that's for Kennedys.
Nevermind.
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January 15, 2006
As his lust for power consumes him, Glenn Reynolds continues to stretch his Empire beyond the blogosphere, and begins to insinuate his corrupting tendrils into the world of print media.
Cover shot of issue #1 in the extended entry... more...
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January 07, 2006
Probably true, expecially combined with the Packers losing season.
However, the best way to check for the end of the world - as with ANY news story - is to see what Instapundit's talking about. If you see something like this:
Ann Althouse has some interesting thoughts on Armageddon. Indeed.UPDATE: Michelle Malkin has a round-up of excellent Armageddon links.
UPDATE: Heh. I've just been trampled by an apocalyptic horseman, so blogging may be light
UPDATE: The trampling video is now available at The Political Teen.
it's time to start worrying.
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January 06, 2006
When I first heard that Glenn Reynolds would be starring as the villain in the new James Bond movie, I thought it was a bad choice. Maybe not as horrid Richard Kiel's performance as "Jaws", but still...
Anyway, the official poster for the new flick is in the extended entry. Check it out & see if you think Reynolds has any potential. more...
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December 30, 2005
Deep in a castle, located somewhere in darkest Memphis, a vampiric-looking gentleman sat on a throne of blackest ice, scuffing his socks-and-sandals clad feet agitatedly on the stone floor as he contemplated his latest blog-post:
Another added benefit of this earthquake is that the problem of high birth rates in these third world countries need matter no more, with this so-called "disaster" to even out the ratio of births to deaths. Less peasants in the third world equals less of the money I pay in taxes being spent on ‘Aid’ or emotional extortion, as I like to call it.
Evil Glenn [finger poised above delete button]: No, too compassionate... yet compassion DOES seem to be the "in" thing these days... Maybe I should resolve to be a kinder, gentler blogger in 2006... Maybe I should embrace my inner child and [bulk of introspective soliloquy deleted as a mercy to readers]... But who would I ask for advice on such an important decision?... I know! I'll just Google semi-randomly and...
[shortly thereafter, at a house located somewhere in the frozen wastes of Wisconsin...]
[ring... ring... ring]
Harv: Hello?
Evil Glenn: Hi! Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?
Harv: A telemarketer! Thank God! I was afraid you might be a dark blogospheric overlord looking for advice on a deeply personal issue...
Evil Glenn: Oh man. You ain't gonna like THIS one, Currency Freak...
Harv: Crap. It's you. And stop calling me Currency Freak. I don't post Graffiti Currency anymore.
Evil Glenn: What about these 284 posts?
Harv: ... YOU SHUT UP! I'm trying to cut down... Besides... it's a TWELVE step program... I'm kinda stuck on step one... you ever tried being an atheist in search of a higher power?
Evil Glenn: There's always Satan...
Harv: And again with the shut up, please. So... what's got your knickers twisted this time?
Evil Glenn: Well, it's just a little existential angst about conflicting paradigms and my...
Harv: Can it, Hamlet. Cut to the chase.
Evil Glenn: I thought you could help me with my New Year's resolution to be more compassionate in 2006.
Harv: Why me?
Evil Glenn: Because you're the #1 Google hit for it.
Harv: "Compassionate"?
Evil Glenn: Well... "compassionate penguin porn"...
Harv: I was WONDERING how that one got in my referer logs. So... whaddya wanna know?
Evil Glenn: How do I stop being such a vile, ruthless, despicable bastard?
Harv: Lawyer.
Evil Glenn: Exactly. I want to be more thoughtful, loving, caring, and vaguely effeminate, like you.
Harv: Vaguely effeminate?
Evil Glenn: OK, not so vaguely. Are you going to help me or not?
Harv: Not if you're going to be insulting.
Evil Glenn: FINE! Grossly effeminate! Now make with the helpity-help!
Harv: That's better. And you just got your first lesson. When seeking assistance, ask nicely. Write that down.
Evil Glenn: OK. Ask... nicely... Then what?
Harv: Next you've got to change some of your... bad habits. No more blending puppies.
Evil Glenn: But I need the energy!
Harv: That's why God created cocaine. Next... stop murdering hobos.
Evil Glenn: But how will I appease Satan's blood-lust so that I can stay on top of the Ecosystem?
Harv: That's another thing. No more worshipping Princes of Darkness. Now, I don't expect you to go cold turkey, but try something a little less evil.
Evil Glenn: Karl Rove?
Harv: I said LESS evil!
Evil Glenn: Rumsfeld?
Harv: Actually, I was thinking Condi Rice, but that's a start. Now... about your choice of footwear...
Evil Glenn: What?... You've got a problem with Birkenstocks & knee-high Hello Kitty socks?
Harv: Do you want my help or not?
Evil Glenn: Yeah, yeah... pink pumps with little sparklies?
Harv: They're not open toe, are they?
Evil Glenn: No
Harv: They'll do.
Evil Glenn: Next I suppose you'll want me to stop punching Frank J.?
Harv: HELL no. You can smack him around 'till the cows come home. If he's incapacitated, I get to post whatever I want at IMAO.
Evil Glenn: That doesn't sound very compassionate...
Harv: Hey! I'm the one giving the advice! You just keep taking notes!
Evil Glenn: ... just sayin', is all...
Harv: Anyway, one more thing and you'll be as vaguely effeminate...
Evil Glenn: Grossly effeminate...
Harv: Whatever... as me. You need to give up penguin porn.
Evil Glenn: Give up... oh... no... no, no, no. We shan't be doing that.
Harv: Sorry, Glenn. The road to compassion travels not through penguinperv.com.
Evil Glenn: But... But... I just CAN'T give it up! Those stubby wings... that sensuous waddle... those silky little feathers... I... mmmm... oooohhh... feathers... yes... YES!
Harv: Glenn... what are you doing?
Evil Glenn: Uh... I gotta go, um... milk the cow.
[click]
I didn't know Evil Glenn had a farm...
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
[hat tip to Sally of Whimsy Capricious for the pointer to "Evil Glenn's" post]
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December 18, 2005
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)
...for what's in the extended entry... more...
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December 13, 2005
Why, Pajamas Mediocrity, of course.
Which - let's be brutally honest - has more entertainment and/or instructional value (not to mention a better URL) than the site it's parodying.
Congratulations on more mayhem, Phin.
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December 12, 2005
When Frank & Sarah get married, there's one thing they'll have to watch out for... (see extended entry) more...
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December 04, 2005
This week's Filthy Lie Assignment was to answer the question:
What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport?
Turns out there was no connection at all.
Seems Glenn was just trying to catch a flight to Iraq so that he could share Thanksgiving dinner with the troops, as seen in this completely non-photoshopped image:
The unruly mob?
They all wanted to get tickets to Amazon.com's headquarters in Seattle, so they could... discuss... why their 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book got deleted:
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November 27, 2005
Recently someone asked me, "Hey Harv, how come you're always picking on Glenn Reynolds? You nursing some kind of grudge for something he's done to you?"
So what else could I do but answer him?...
...With a song...
You're asking what Glenn's done to me?
It's pretty plain for all to see
His vile deeds have ruined my life
Filled it full of stress and strife!
My dog was blended by this man
He whizzed into my garbage can
Ate my goldfish, smashed my table
Told Time-Warner that I stole cable
Made off with my credit card
Burned his name into my yard
Ate my cookies, cracked my eggs,
Tattooed peace signs on my legs.
Put pop cans in my microwave
Spit upon my grandpa's grave
Buried hobos in my cellar
Told bad jokes 'bout Helen Keller
Wrapped my car around a tree
Gave me clap - it hurts to pee!
Made my new computer crash
Put borax in my cocaine stash
Drained my laptop battery
Robot-danced on my TV
Ate my Twinkies, greased my slide
Shaved my kitten's underside
Didn't link my funny post
Sprinkled dandruff on my toast
Punched Frank J. and made him cry
(No, wait... that makes me like the guy)
Grafittied my walls, stole my wallet
Made me lose my otherwise impeccable talent for meter and rhyme
"Love thy neighbor"? Surely you jest!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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November 21, 2005
Glenn Reynolds recently apologized for a spate of light blogging at Instapundit, claiming to be "busy" with his new book. However, recent leaks from Scooter Libby show that he was actually working on a viable "exit strategy" to bring the troops home from Iraq, which the House is voting on tonight. The full text of the strategy follows...
1) Announce immediate pullout of all American troops from Iraq.
2) Observe Iraqis - note who cheers at the announcement.
3) Help cheerers celebrate with a White Phosphorus fireworks display that "somehow" goes horribly wrong.
4) Finish installing Iraqi democracy.
5) Immediately withdraw US troops.
Might have to "celebrate" the cheerers at ABC News next.
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November 11, 2005
Just got a letter in the mail today:
From the office of Glenn Reynolds, Esq., J.D., PPBLNDR:
Since the earliest days of the American Republic, people have looked up into the night sky with awe and wonder, seeking hope and inspiration for their lives as they contemplated the heavenly lights, the most brilliant and uplifting of which is... The Moon.
Yet there are those who - in their desperate quest for filthy profits - would desecrate this sacred symbol of ancient wisdom.
Like Frank J., of IMAO who proudly - PROUDLY! - displays a picture on his site of our precious moon being atomically violated:
This atrocious sight has been clinically proven to induce Post-Traumatic Nuclear Moon Syndrome in those viewing this image. Symptoms of PTNMS include:
* Fear of looking up at the night sky
* Attacking Iraq to steal its oil
* Uncontrollable urges to blow stuff up in order to keep other countries in line.
If you or someone you love exhibits any of these PTNMS symptoms brought on by Frank J's reckless moon abuse, you may be entitled to compensation. Just send an e-mail to EvilGlenn@emptythedeeppockets.com explaining how your life has been decimated by irresponsible luno-nuclear photoshoppery and let me help you along the road to healing.
And MONEY!
[signed]
Glenn Reynolds
Disgusting!
Glenn Reynolds is nothing but a vile, avaricious, gold-digger! Show your support for IMAO by buying a Nuke The Moon T-shirt today. $1 from every sale will go directly to the IMAO Moon-Nukers Legal Defense Fund and/or toward buying SarahK shiny, pretty things.
Posted by: Harvey at
07:24 PM
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