May 21, 2004
Having no children of my own, I've never had to go through the agonizing process of selecting a monniker for my spawn. So it's purely speculative on my part as to what cruel labels the vile and despicable Dark Overlord of the Blogosphere would inflict upon his offspring.
Nevertheless, speculate I must:
If it's a boy:
Opus - after his favorite comic strip character.
Flappy Tim - after his brother
Bedpan - after looking around the hospital room for inspiration
ShiThead - (pronounced Shy-theed)
Google - although he might change it if Edward Kasner's people decide to sue
Punchenfranken - a fine, traditional German name
Tarquin Fintimlimbimlimbim-whimbimlin Bus Stop Ftang Ftang Olay Biscuit Barrel - no idea
If it's a girl:
Penguina X - after his favorite porn star
Blenderella - after his favorite fairy tale character
Hobona - self-explanatory
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis - just to mess with people who process forms.
Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz - as seen on Sesame Street
If it's a three-headed demon vampire of some sort, then of course it'll be Glenn Jr.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
Posted by: Harvey at
07:45 PM
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Whoops. after reading the transcript, it came back to me. May 14, 2004
Disturbed by rumors of the vile and repulsive Glenn Reynolds receipt of a mysterious package, I decided that the direct approach would be best, so I called him.
[ring...ring...ring...ring]
Hi. You're reached the Instapundit Evil Empire. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed.
If you would like to hear a poodle on puree, press 1
If you are a suicidal hobo, press 2
If you wish to receive worldly treasures in exchange for your soul, press 3.
If you think Mao is the coolest commie ever, press 4.
For some super-sweet Robot Dancing music, press 5.
If you're a masochistic blogger looking for a good punchin', press 6
If you'd like to order penguin porn, press 7. Please be aware that we are currently out of stock on "Back Door Birdie".
If you're calling about the '74 AMC Hornet, it collapsed into a pile of rust in the driveway and is no longer for sale.
If you're that Goddamned Currency Freak looking for help on another stupid Alliance assignment, you might as well bow down before me now, because you are doomed. DOOMED, I SAY! MUAHAHAHAHA!
If this is my mom, stop calling me, or I'll put you in that nursing home that 60 Minutes did the exposé on.
If you're calling for any other reason, please stay on the line, and an operator will harrass you shortly.
[John Denver cover version of AC/DC's "Hell's Bells" starts playing]
Evil Glenn: Dammit Mom! I'm calling Abused Acres Retirement Home right now!
Harv: Uh, Hello Mr. Reynolds. My name is Hugh Jass, and I'm calling from Federal Express about that package you received today.
Evil Glenn: Oh. Sorry. I thought you were my annoying bitch of a mother.
Harv: No problem. Actually, you'd be surprised how often I hear that. The reason I'm calling is that there seems to have been a mix-up at the warehouse. You know how it is. Those wacky delivery guys and their crack. What are ya gonna do? Heh. So anyway, I'm concerned that you might have gotten the wrong package.
Evil Glenn: Hmmm... Let me check... Well, it's addressed to "Emperor of the Ecosystem", so I'm sure it's mine.
Harv: Have you LOOKED at the Ecosystem lately? The top spot's been taken over by a Mormon group blog. You might have their shipment of green Jello.
Evil Glenn: Did you HAVE to bring that up? That's really a sore spot with me right now. It makes me feel so... inadequate.
Harv: I thought your tiny penis did that?
Evil Glenn: I meant more so.
Harv: I guess that WOULD explain why you "post" so much...
Evil Glenn: Can we just talk about the box? Let me open it and see what's inside...
Harv: I wouldn't do that if I were you. We take customer privacy VERY seriously at FedEx. The penalty for opening someone else's box is quite severe.
Evil Glenn: Like what?
Harv: Like did you know Cast Away was a documentary? We knew where Hanks was the whole time. He should've died on that island for what he did to Wilson. Curse that Russian freighter for rescuing him!
Evil Glenn: Damn! You guys are hard core.
Harv: Ya GOTTA be to go up against the US Postal Service. You wouldn't believe how many horse heads we've had to stuff between the Postmaster General's sheets to stay in business all these years.
Evil Glenn: Look, I'm sure this is MY package. It's the right size and weight, and it's dripping blood, so it can't be green Jello.
Harv: Ok, Mr. Reynolds, but before you open that package, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well... Do ya? Punk?
Evil Glenn: Like a quarterback on prom night [rrrrrip!]... Yup. It's mine.
Harv: Ok, well in that case, I'm sorry to have disturbed you Mr. Reynolds. But I AM curious. I know it's none of my business, but what exactly was this blood-dripping object in the box? Pre-blended Pekinese?
Evil Glenn: By an odd coincidence, it's my shipment from Horse Heads R Us.
Harv: What in God's name did you order one of those for?
Evil Glenn: 3607 of them actually. Let's just say there's gonna be a lot of linkless blogs in Utah come the dawn. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
[click]
Harv: Why you filthy degenerate bastard!
[ring]
Harv: Hello?
Evil Glenn: That's "lawyer" to you, Currency Freak! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
[click]
Harv: Damn lawyer.
[ring]
Evil Glenn: That's... Oh, wait... Nevermind.
[click]
So it seems that Evil Glenn is willing to go to the mattresses to regain his Ecospheric supremacy. Can nothing stop this power hungry lunatic?
[ring]
YES! LAWYER! WE KNOW!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
Posted by: Harvey at
08:22 PM
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