October 29, 2004
Seeking to avoid door-answering duty (and the accompanying hordes of sticky-fingered brats in plastic masks), I slipped down to Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon for a cold one on Halloween.
Harv: Hey Bartender!
Bartender: F*** you.
Harv: Yes, I *would* like a Guinness, thank you. Say, I like your costume.
Bartender: Costume?
Harv: Yeah... dress, earrings, lipstick, wig...
Bartender: It's not for Halloween
Harv: So you're NOT Tom Hanks from the Bosom Buddies days?
Bartender: All I'm saying is NEVER bet on the Cardinals.
Harv: Point taken. Ya know, I... OO! Candy corn! [stuffs handful into mouth] GAH! *spitooie!* Oh my GOD! Evil Glenn's trying to sabotage the nation's candy supply, just like he did last Easter! We've got stop him! Quick! To the Dru...
Bartender: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Harv: What's so funny?
Bartender: YOU, dumbass! Halloween is for tricks & treats. That was the trick. That wasn't candy corn, those were painted rabbit turds! WHOOOO-HAHAHAHA! You shoulda seen your face!
Harv: DAMMIT, Bartender! You really shouldn't joke around about Evil Glenn. It's NOT a laughing matter. He's the number one threat to the blogosphere.
Bartender: I thought the number one threat was comment porn-spam?
Harv: Actually, that's number three. You forgot about... [insert dramatic music]... evil monkeys.
Bartender: Heh. You like spanking your evil monkey!
Harv: Which is not germane to the task at hand, i.e. stopping Evil Glenn's nefarious plot to substitute painted rabbit turds for candy corn.
Bartender: Stupid fartknocker! I just told you that was MY idea!
Harv: So he's a plagiarist, too? This is worse than I thought! Quickly! To the Dru...
Bartender: Look, ya retarded little buttlizard, I'm not going ANYWHERE with you! There's no Evil Glenn plot to foil, and...
Harv: I'll pay my bar tab.
Bartender: ... TO THE DRUNKMOBILE!
...We drove quickly through the night toward the Forbidden City of Memphis and the Black Repository of Evil known as Castle Glenn, pausing only to pass out "candy corn" at a Kerry rally in boxes marked "Taste Kerry's Presidency". After laughing ourselves silly over the sight of filthy hippies projectile-vomiting on each other, we soon arrived at our destination...
[*ERRRRRTTTT!* CRASH!]
Harv: Damn, Bartender. I think you just disenfranchised Glenn's mailbox. Where the hell did you learn to park?
Bartender: Used to be a valet in a Japanese shopping mall.
Harv: Have I ever told you you're a complete psycho?
Bartender: Less talking, more foiling Glenn. Let's go.
... We walked up Evil Glenn's oddly bottle-strewn sidewalk and I rang his doorbell...
Intercom Voice: Look! I told you... NO TRICK OR TREATERS! Now fall into my dungeon and leave me alone! [trap door opens in the sidewalk to our right]
Harv: Mr. Reynolds?
Evil Glenn: ... Um... could you please take a step to your right?
Bartender: No.
Evil Glenn: CRAP!... All right... come in...
... We pushed open the door and walked into the vast chamber, which was filled from floor to ceiling with boxes covered in Arabic writing...
Evil Glenn [coming down the stairs]: Now what the hell do you want with me? I said I was... Hey! Tom Hanks!
Harv: Never mind that. We're here to foil your evil plot!
Evil Glenn: Right... Which one?
Harv: The one where you paint rabbit turds to look like candy corn.
Bartender: Stupid assgremlin! I told you that was MY idea!
Evil Glenn: OO! Me likey! [jotting notes] candy... corn...
Harv: Plagiarist!
Evil Glenn: Hey! I'm just "borrowing". It's not like I'm John Kerry or something.
Bartender: So what's up with all these boxes?
Evil Glenn: Oh. THAT evil plot! I've been experimenting with new methods of murdering hobos for Satan. My latest idea is just brilliant! First, I leave some some half-empty bottles laying around to attract any tragically sober homeless, then...
Bartender: That would explain the bottles on the sidewalk... and all these boxes! You must have at least 380 tons of explosives here.
Harv: So THAT'S what happened to it all! How did you get it all out of Iraq?
Evil Glenn: Iraq? What are you talking about?
Bartender: Aren't these the missing Al Qaqaa explosives?
Evil Glenn: Nope. Twinkies.
Harv: Bullshit! Where would you get 380 tons of Twinkies?
... Meanwhile in Detroit...
Michael Moore: My TWINKIES! What the F*** happened to my week's supply of Twinkies?
... Meanwhile, back in Memphis...
Evil Glenn: I... have my sources. Anyway, my plan is to capture the hobos, put them in cages, and feed them nothing but Twinkies until they die of an artery blockage. MUAHAHAHAHA!
Bartender: Um... won't that take about 20 years?
Evil Glenn: I didn't say my plot was perfected!
Harv: Damn! Guess there's nothing here for us to foil, then. C'mon, Bartender, let's blow this dump!
Bartender: Yes, let's.
Evil Glenn: So you're just leaving, then?
Harv: No, I mean blow this dump as in "blow it up" [throws lit match at nearest box of Twinkies] RUN!
... Making good our escape, the Bartender & I quickly jumped into the Drunkmobile and sped off into the night...
Bartender: You stupid f***! Those were TWINKIES, not explosives!
Harv: Apparently you're not familiar with the data from the Twinkie Rapid Oxidation Test. Check it out... [calling up the web page & handing Bartender my laptop]
Bartender: Oh. My. God.
... An explosion rocked the night as a 500-foot fireball rose above Castle Glenn...
... Meanwhile in Detroit...
Michael Moore: I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced... DAMN YOU GLENN REYNOLDS! INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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09:27 PM
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October 22, 2004
To many people, Glenn Reynolds IS the blogosphere, and unless he talks about a subject, it doesn't blip their radar. But despite his alleged popularity, very little is known about the man behind the pixels. As a public service, I will attempt to correct this blogospheric blind spot by revealing some
FUN FACTS ABOUT GLENN REYNOLDS
Although Glenn doesn't smoke cigarettes, he DOES occasionally indulge in a fine cigar, if it's been properly Lewinskied first.
In this age of corrective eye surgery, Glenn Reynolds continues to wear glasses. This is due partly to astigmatism and partly to protect the innocent from the deadly lasers that shoot out of his eyes.
There is no truth to the rumor that the X-Men character Cyclops was based on Glenn.
Just because Glenn is a lawyer, that doesn't mean he's a bad person. After all, John Edwards is a lawyer, and he... um... Nevermind.
Glenn Reynolds is a computer expert and has written several books on the topic, including "Try Turning It Off And On", "Where the F*** Is The 'Any' Key", and "Innocent Names For Your Penguin Porn Mpeg Files".
Glenn's says that his favorite kind of dog is "any sort of 'mixed' breed", but failed to elaborate.
Glenn has exquisite taste in home furnishings. All his lampshades are from the exclusive "Ed Gein Collection" of fine leather products.
As a law professor, Glenn Reynolds is quite popular with his students, teaching such classes as "GPS Ambulance Tracking", "Juror Tears - Liquid Gold", and "Shrink the Glove, Free the Client".
Glenn Reynolds played the part of The Inanimate Carbon Rod on The Simpsons.
Which has led to some speculation that Glenn might actually be the brains behind THIS web site, although the evidence is currently inconclusive.
He also starred as "Uruk-Hai #3247" in "The Two Towers". Look closely at the beginning of the "Battle of Helm's Deep" scene. He's the one wearing glasses.
He missed getting the part of Harry Potter's magic wand because he "wasn't wooden enough". That role was eventually awarded to Al Gore.
If Glenn Reynolds bites you, you become a blogger.
And completely devoid of fashion sense.
But you'll get a lot of traffic, so it might be worth it.
On the other hand, you'll also have to put up with an unruly horde of lesser bloggers telling filthy lies about you and shouting:
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
So you can make your own call on that one.
Posted by: Harvey at
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October 15, 2004
I heard a rumor that Glenn Reynolds had created some sort of software, and I decided to do some investigating.
So I Googled "evil software"
Hmmm... 200,000,000 hits for Windows XP Service Pack 2.
Using "evil Glenn software" got me some better leads. I can't prove that any of these are actually his, but I have my suspicions:
Puppy Slider - click on the picture, and 15 pieces of puppy get scrambled. This is sorta like blending.
Puppy Jigsaw puzzle - by repeatedly clicking on the "arrange" button (lower right), you can rapidly move jagged puppy pieces around. Sorta like a hand-operated blender.
Puppy Curling - grab puppies by the throat and slide them across the kitchen floor. Is that white thing on the left side a wall-mounted blending-vortex-of-death?
Spaced Penguin - Doesn't seem Glenn's style at first, but notice that you're launching that penguin through a hole to start, and the playing field contains numerous spherical objects. The symbolism is fairly obvious.
Retarded Animal Babies - No blended puppies, but they sure make a mess out of that rabbit. Violence, nudity, urine, and a cartoon animal penis... it's certainly evil enough to be something Glenn would do.
Suicidal Super Puppy - This one has Glenn written all over it. Pick the power, pick the angle, Super-Puppy launches and lands with a bloody splat to the cheers of the excited crowd. Disgusting. And my high score is 1664.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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09:23 PM
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It's 11:25pm, I have a 9:00am training class and I'm sitting here playing the damn games you linked to!!! ARRGGGHHH There's a reason I don't have any games on this laptop.
OK - gotta go play sheepish now!October 08, 2004
Glenn Reynolds stood at the doorway of his classroom as his students exited, as he always did, just in case someone had any questions. He listened attentively as they filed by and spoke to him.
"Freak"
"Loser"
"Nerd"
"Asshole"
[*slap*]
[*knee-in-the-groin*]
Pulling himself to his feet after the ritual abuse was finished, he sighed contentedly, thinking to himself that this year's batch of young lawyers was the finest he'd ever taught.
Later, in his office, he dashed off a hundred blog-posts - each replete with devastatingly insightful commentary such "Hmmm.", "Heh.", and/or "Indeed.". He rubbed his face, leaned back in his chair, and looked at his computer screen to review what he'd just written.
But he couldn't see anything.
"Oh my God!" shrieked Glenn, "I'm blind!"
After a moment's reflection, he realized what had happened and blogged thusly;
Note to self: remove glasses before rubbing face... or at least wash the hobo blood off my hands first. Indeed.
Just then, the college Dean poked his head in the door, startling Glenn and causing him to hit "delete" instead of "post".
Glenn: Aw CRAP!
Dean: Sorry to interrupt you, Reynolds, I just... Say... you weren't blogging on University time again, were you?
Glenn: What? NO! Never! I was just working on this important completely academically-related paper on the importance of... um... Federalism and... um... habeas corpus... er... as it relates to... uh... res ipsa loquitor... and... um... Aw CRAP! Yeah, I was blogging.
Dean: Reynolds, I've told you a thousand times, University time is SACRED! It's only to be used for class-related activities. And maybe finding ways to beat Bush in November. But other than that... SACRED!
Glenn: You're right... it's just that... I... I never really wanted to be a lawyer. I'm sick of courtrooms & judges & jurors who sleep through expert witness testimony on DNA.
Dean: So what do you want to do?
Glenn: Well, I have this vision... a sort of daydream... a vision of hobos standing all crowded together... like trees in a forest... and I'd run through them... cutting them down... sorta like a lumberjack... except I'd be a lumberjack for hobos... I want to be... I want to be...
Dean: A hobojack?
Glenn: A HOBOJACK! [begin piano vamp]... Leaping from corpse to corpse as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!
The hobo!
The bum!
The tramp!
The drifter!
The ne'er-do-well!
The homeless guy!
With my best penguin by my side!
We'd sing! Sing! SING!
Oh, I'm a hobojack, and I'm ok.
I sleep all night and I kill all day.
CHORUS: He's a hobojack and he's ok.
He sleeps all night and he kills all day.
Dean: Where the hell did those Mounties come from?
Glenn: I cut up bums, and flush them down,
The college lavat'ry.
On Wednesdays I go choppin'
And laugh with evil glee!
Mounties: He cuts up bums, and flushes them down
The college lavat'ry.
On Wednesdays he goes choppin'
And laughs with evil glee!
CHORUS
Glenn: I cut up bums, I punch Frank J,
I like to robot dance.
And after praising Satan,
I put spiders down my pants.
Mounties: He cuts up bums, he punches Frank J,
He likes to robot dance.
And after praising Satan,
He puts spiders... down his pants???
CHORUS
Glenn: I cut up bums, strap on some wings,
And a feather-covered bra.
I wish I'd been a penguin,
Just like my dear papa.
Mounties: He cuts up bums, straps on some wings,
And a feather???... feather-covered bra???
(spoken raggedly) What the...? Wants to be a penguin?
Bloody pengosexual! Flippin' pengie-poofter!
Dean: Oh... Glenn! I thought you were so... rugged!
CHORUS
All: He's a hobojack and he's okaaaaaaaaaayyyy... (BONG)
(Cue the Liberty Bell March)
Dean: Thanks for sharing that Glenn. You're fired.
Glenn: Fired? What? You mean I don't work here any more?
Dean: Your position has passed on! It is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired! It's gone to meet the want ads! It's bereft of life! It rests in peace! It's pushing up the daisies! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket! It's shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!
YOU ARE INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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08:14 PM
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October 01, 2004
When Evil Glenn wants to have fun
Hobo murder is how it gets done.
He thinks it's quite jolly
Killing homeless, by golly
By knife, hatchet, hammer or gun.
"Please Instalanche me" people say.
A Sulli-lanche won't make my day
He leans too far left.
And his links have no heft.
And besides, at least Reynolds ain't... um... so darn festive.
There once was a penguin named Jane
Who was homely and dumpy and plain
But Jane knew that whips
Were one of Glenn's trips
And through pain soon Plain Jane was lain.
The blogosphere thought Reynolds sucked
So the Alliance his stranglehold bucked
Thanks to lie after lie
Glenn ain't sitting so high
And in fact, you could say Glenn is
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
Posted by: Harvey at
08:46 PM
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