(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

So I wandered into the IMAO break room for a cup of coffee to find the lovely and talented SarahK sitting there looking glum...

HARV: Mornin' Sarah. You're looking remarkably underweight today. Why so sad?

sarah: i was just thinking that the imao readers give us so much... we should do more to give back to the community... something charitable

HARV: Well, all the writers that Frank adopted have agreed to not take any money so that Frank J. can shower you with sparkly diamonds. That's sorta like charity.

sarah: i like diamonds! they're shiny and pretty! like the eyes of happy children! you should do something for children so that they look more like diamonds.

HARV: I already help children by beating them up and stealing their lunch money, thus forcing them to work harder to earn replacement money, which improves the economy. EVERYBODY wins!

sarah: ummmm.... maybe there's another way to help children. there's an ad here in the paper that says this summer camp is hiring counselors. i'll bet that would make kids happy. you should apply.

HARV: Well... it IS in Iowa, and I *do* need to do some research for that upcoming podcast...

sarah: great!... oh, and if you see frank on your way out, tell him my diamond collection needs polishing.

...so I went to Iowa, passed the interview by virtue of being able to fog a mirror, and soon found myself in the orientation room getting instructions from the leader of the camp - Glenn Reynolds...

GLENN: Hello, teammates! Welcome to the Glenn Reynolds Super Happy Lucky Fun Dancing And Concentration Camp For Kids. As you know, I'm a big fan of communism, and one of my favorite commies, Hugo Chavez, was recently threatened with assassination by Pat Robertson. I thought I'd cheer him up by sending him a video of dozens of American children doing the robot dance, since NOTHING says "Yay! Communism!" like a good robot dance.

As counselors, your job will be to teach these kids how to dance. We're on a tight schedule, so if the kids start getting tired, just give 'em puppy shakes until they perk up.

Now hop to it, people!

...unfortunately, I was busy listening to the latest IMAO podcast & didn't catch everything he said, so...

HARV: All right kids, we're here to build robots for France, so... YOU!... [squints at nametag]... Timmy... you look the most like Jimmy Neutron... here's a box of toy light sabers. Grab your nerdy little friends & make robots out of these.

TIMMY: No problem, Mr. Harvey... say, what do you want these robots to do?

HARV: Well, they're going to France, so program them to engage in random acts of violence.

TIMMY: But Mr. Glenn said something about making them dance...

HARV: Huh?... oh... then give them guns so they can shoot at the Frenchman's feet. THAT'LL make 'em dance.

TIMMY: But I think Mr. Glenn said that the ROBOTS should dance.

HARV [high pitched mocking voice]: Mr. Glenn said! Mr. Glenn said!... FINE!... make them dancing robots... with guns!

TIMMY: But I can't make bullets out of plastic toys! I need gunpowder for that.

HARV [rolling eyes]: They are NOT paying me enough to put up with this cr... HERE! Here's some baseball bats! Just make it so they swing at those stupid surrender monkeys' legs!

TIMMY: So... what kind of dance should the robots do? Break? Ballroom? Tango? Waltz? Disco? Dirty?

HARV: I DON'T CARE! I'm trying to write Fun Facts About Iowa and I'm still twenty corn jokes short! Just go with that first one you said! Now leave me alone before I beat you up and take your lunch money!

...the night of the big dance videotaping arrived...

HARV [to self]: "now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick my ear". HA! Pure genius!

TIMMY: The robots are finished, Mr. Harvey. Can we please eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom now?

HARV: Huh?... uh... yeah, whatever. I think Reynolds said there were some guppy cakes or something in the mess hall. Just give me the remote control for the robots... Oh! AND your lunch money.

...I marched the robots up to the stage where Glenn Reynolds was demonstrating the choreography for the production...

HARV [glancing over keypad]: Let's see... AH! "Break"... There they go... uh oh... this doesn't look right... I think I need to find Timmy...

...later, in the mess hall...

HARV: Timmy, it's not that I don't appreciate all your hard work, but when I pressed "break", the robots all started smashing Evil... I mean MR.... Glenn's kneecaps with their baseball bat arms. Not that I mind, you understand, but I *am* a little confused.

TIMMY: Hmmm... let me see that remote... OH! *I* see!... just a typo in the program. It says "break danceR" instead of "break dance". Sorry about that.

HARV [tousling Timmy's hair]: Don't worry about it, ya little scamp. My work here is done. I'm going home. Thanks for all your help, Timmy.

TIMMY: Does that mean you're going to give me my lunch money back?

HARV: Don't push you luck, kid.

...a few days later, back at the IMAO break room, I bumped into SarahK again...

sarah: i heard you liberated an entire camp of innocent children while crippling glenn reynolds for life. now that's what i call giving back to the community! i'll bet those kids had the prettiest, shiniest eyes!

HARV: It went even better than I'd hoped. I finished Iowa, got $53 in change, plus some of the kids even gave up their cell phones. I smell an economic boom ahead.

sarah: any diamonds?

HARV: Nah. But I did get a gold tooth from this one kid who was a little slow reaching for his wallet... here, you can have it.

sarah: oo! it's pretty and shiny!

HARV: And the best part is that - with Reynolds being in the hospital and unable to blog - he's no longer number one in the Ecosystem. It's Michelle Malkin's blogosphere now, and... uh oh...

sarah: STOP TALKING ABOUT MICHELLE MALKIN! SHE'S NOT PRETTIER THAN ME! I'LL KILL YOU! DIE! DIE! DIE!

[gunshots]

...so as I lay here in the hospital getting my bullets removed, it occurs to me that the next time the nurse comes by to take my temperature, I should probably try to steal the diamond out of her wedding ring so that maybe SarahK won't shoot me so much next time I see her.

She's got a bit of a vengeful streak, ya know.

I just hope she didn't do anything to Michelle Malkin...

Uh oh... Ecosystem rankings... August 26th, 2005...

MALKINO DELENDA EST?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:40 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 1117 words, total size 7 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

I heard a rumor that Glenn Reynolds was writing his biography.

Apparently I was slightly misinformed.

Instead of cranking out some 957-page pile of blathering crap, he managed to condense his life into a single song.

And thanks to a little bit of covert hackery, I've managed to obtain a copy of his little ditty WEEKS before it hits iTunes.

Enjoy.

SYMPATHY FOR GLENN REYNOLDS
(with apologies to the Rolling Stones)
(see extended entry) more...

Posted by: Harvey at 07:48 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 498 words, total size 3 kb.

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Rumor has it that Glenn Reynolds has been tapped by NASA to improve our currently-stumbling space program.

His first priority: making sure astronauts don't starve to death if they get stuck in orbit pulling flattened spacemonkeys and other debris off the nose of the shuttle.

Now, we're all well aware of Glenn's preferred energy drink, but the problem is that normal blenders require gravity to keep the puppy in contact with the whirling blades. In a low-gravity environment, the resulting product comes out as a hideous, lumpy mess, not unlike Helen Thomas's face.

(artist's conception of low gravity dog-blending with conventional blender)

To correct this problem, Glenn has invented the zero-gravity puppy blender, as pictured in the extended entry... more...

Posted by: Harvey at 02:44 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 155 words, total size 2 kb.