December 31, 2004
Deep in a castle, located somewhere in darkest Memphis, a vampiric-looking gentleman sat on a throne of blackest ice, scuffing his socks-and-sandals clad feet agitatedly on the stone floor as he contemplated his latest blog-post:
Another added benefit of this earthquake is that the problem of high birth rates in these third world countries need matter no more, with this so-called "disaster" to even out the ratio of births to deaths. Less peasants in the third world equals less of the money I pay in taxes being spent on ‘Aid’ or emotional extortion, as I like to call it.
Evil Glenn [finger poised above delete button]: No, too compassionate... yet compassion DOES seem to be the "in" thing these days... Maybe I should resolve to be a kinder, gentler blogger in 2005... Maybe I should embrace my inner child and [bulk of introspective soliloquy deleted as a mercy to readers]... But who would I ask for advice on such an important decision?... I know! I'll just Google semi-randomly and...
[shortly thereafter, at a house located somewhere in the frozen wastes of Wisconsin...]
[ring... ring... ring]
Harv: Hello?
Evil Glenn: Hi! Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?
Harv: A telemarketer! Thank God! I was afraid you might be a dark blogospheric overlord looking for advice on a deeply personal issue...
Evil Glenn: Oh man. You ain't gonna like THIS one, Currency Freak...
Harv: Crap. It's you. And stop calling me Currency Freak. I don't post Graffiti Currency anymore.
Evil Glenn: What about Wednesday night's post?
Harv: ... YOU SHUT UP! It was only ONE little blog entry... Besides... it's a TWELVE step program... I'm kinda stuck on step one... you ever tried being an atheist in search of a higher power?
Evil Glenn: There's always Satan...
Harv: And again with the shut up, please. So... what's got your knickers twisted this time?
Evil Glenn: Well, it's just a little existential angst about conflicting paradigms and my...
Harv: Can it, Hamlet. Cut to the chase.
Evil Glenn: I thought you could help me with my New Year's resolution to be more compassionate in 2005.
Harv: Why me?
Evil Glenn: Because you're the #1 Google hit for it.
Harv: "Compassionate"?
Evil Glenn: Well... "compassionate penguin porn"...
Harv: I was WONDERING how that one got in my referer logs. So... whaddya wanna know?
Evil Glenn: How do I stop being such a vile, ruthless, despicable bastard?
Harv: Lawyer.
Evil Glenn: Exactly. I want to be more thoughtful, loving, caring, and vaguely effeminate, like you.
Harv: Vaguely effeminate?
Evil Glenn: OK, not so vaguely. Are you going to help me or not?
Harv: Not if you're going to be insulting.
Evil Glenn: FINE! Grossly effeminate! Now make with the helpity-help!
Harv: That's better. And you just got your first lesson. When seeking assistance, ask nicely. Write that down.
Evil Glenn: OK. Ask... nicely... Then what?
Harv: Next you've got to change some of your... bad habits. No more blending puppies.
Evil Glenn: But I need the energy!
Harv: That's why God created cocaine. Next... stop murdering hobos.
Evil Glenn: But how will I appease Satan's blood-lust so that I can stay on top of the Ecosystem?
Harv: That's another thing. No more worshipping Princes of Darkness. Now, I don't expect you to go cold turkey, but try something a little less evil.
Evil Glenn: Karl Rove?
Harv: I said LESS evil!
Evil Glenn: Rumsfeld?
Harv: Actually, I was thinking Condi Rice, but that's a start. Now... about your choice of footwear...
Evil Glenn: What?... You've got a problem with Birkenstocks & knee-high Hello Kitty socks?
Harv: Do you want my help or not?
Evil Glenn: Yeah, yeah... pink pumps with little sparklies?
Harv: They're not open toe, are they?
Evil Glenn: No
Harv: They'll do.
Evil Glenn: Next I suppose you'll want me to stop punching Frank J.?
Harv: HELL no. You can smack him around 'till the cows come home. If he's incapacitated, I get to guest post at IMAO.
Evil Glenn: That doesn't sound very compassionate...
Harv: Hey! I'm the one giving the advice! You just keep taking notes!
Evil Glenn: ... just sayin', is all...
Harv: Anyway, one more thing and you be as vaguely effeminate...
Evil Glenn: Grossly effeminate...
Harv: Whatever... as me. You need to give up penguin porn.
Evil Glenn: Give up... oh... no... no, no, no. We shan't be doing that.
Harv: Sorry, Glenn. The road to compassion travels not through penguinperv.com.
Evil Glenn: But... But... I just CAN'T give it up! Those stubby wings... that sensuous waddle... those silky little feathers... I... mmmm... oooohhh... feathers... yes... YES!
Harv: Glenn... what are you doing?
Evil Glenn: Uh... I gotta go...
[click]
Well, I don't know what was so important that Glenn couldn't hang around...
But I have noticed a lot of hits for "penguin latex furry handcuffs" in my referer logs lately...
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
[hat tip to Sally of Whimsy Capricious for the pointer to "Evil Glenn's" post]
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December 20, 2004
I was over at blogdaughter Sally's site, Whimsy Capricious, where she pointed out that Sir Peter Maxwell has denied being Glenn Reynolds.
Indeed.
Let's take a closer look at this "denial":
It has come to my attention that a group by the name of ‘Alliance Of Free Blogs’ have become somewhat interested in the Maxwellian philosophy and have written a few bizarre articles claiming that I am a chap called ‘Evil Glenn’. My infamy is spreading by the day and I must say that there seems to be an almost cult like worship starting to develop around me.
Please notice that AT NO POINT DOES HE ACTUALLY DENY BEING GLENN REYNOLDS!
In fact, this further confirms that they ARE the same person. Notice the seemingly innocent injection of this phrase:
cult like worship
Now, if you'll recall, the original Maxwell-Reynolds connection was drawn based on Maxwell's lust for hobo-murder:
If you accidentally kill a homeless person it does not matter, they are not legally recognised citizens and you are doing society a favour anyway.
Oddly, this doesn't mention the reason that Reynolds gives for murdering hobos:
"You're right; I can't worship Satan... until I first murder a hobo in his evil name!" Glenn Reynolds then laughed even more evilly.
However, "Maxwell" NOW mentions "worship"... mere coincidence, or a craftily embedded clue?
And in THIS thread from his forums, he mentions "pornography"
The peasants are not responsible enough to enjoy pornography, peasants should not get ideas about climbing the ladder of wealth.The Great Chain of Being prohibits this, and it is God's will.
True, he doesn't mention "penguins", but - as with the hobo post - he's probably separating the key words to maintain plausible deniability.
However, please note that both "peasants" and "penguins" begin with "pe" - a sly hint, perhaps?
You want more? I've got it.
This post on homosexuality... he uses the phrase:
prance and mince
Which are words that describe effeminate, dance-like motions... DANCING!
And what KIND of dancing does Evil Glenn do?:
He then started doing the robot dance[...]
This time, "Maxwell" doesn't even hesitate to give away the game:
...he was a mere robot following my orders...[emphasis added]
We've got you dead to rights, Reynolds/Maxwell. You might as well just come out and tell the world:
Sir Peter Maxwell IS Glenn Reynolds!
The. Mask. Is. Off.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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December 17, 2004
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)
Every blogger
In the blogosphere
Liked the Alliance a lot...
But Evil Glenn,
Who lived atop the Ecosystem,
Did NOT!
Evil Glenn hated the Alliance!
And their stupid assignments
With the funny rejoinders and their witty refinements.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his manhood was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His shoes or his willy,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, just hating them silly,
Staring down from his castle with a sour, Evil Glenn frown
As humorous posts on their sites did abound.
For he knew every blogger in the Alliance below
Was busy now, writing, so their humor would show.
"And this new assignment" he snarled with a sneer.
"About "Evil Glenn's Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Glenn fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep this assignment from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the bloggers would rise
Out of bed bright and early. Then they'd write Filthy Lies!
And then! Oh, the lies! Oh, the lies! Lies! Lies! Lies!
That's one thing he hated! The LIES! LIES! LIES! LIES!
Then the bloggers, young and old, would sit down to post.
And they'd post! And they'd post!
And they'd POST! POST! POST! POST!
They'd challenge his standing as the man who blogged most
Which meant Instapundit couldn't sit back and coast.
And THEN
They'd do something that he liked least of all!
Every blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
Would link to each other, OH! The links they'd be flinging
They'd turn on their trackbacks. And then they'd start pinging!
They'd ping! And they'd ping!
AND they'd PING! PING! PING! PING!
And the more Evil Glenn thought of the Alliance-Blog-Ping
The more Evil Glenn thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for over a year I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop this assignment from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
Evil Glenn
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" Evil Glenn laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Frank J. katana and Colt.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great trick to play!
"With this sword and this gun, I'll look just like Frank J.!"
"All I need is a T-shirt babe..."
Evil Glenn looked around.
But since hot babes are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop Evil Glenn...?
No! Evil Glenn simply said,
"If I can't find a T-shirt babe, I'll make one instead!"
So he grabbed his dog Max. Who he'd blended that morn'
And covered his corpse with some photoshopped porn.
THEN
He logged on his blog
With a flick of his wrist
If the Alliance found out
They would surely be pissed.
Then Evil Glenn started posting
Spreading word all around
Instapundit was quitting
And his blog he'd shut down.
His front page would go dark. With no more "Indeeds".
The Alliance could stop whacking Glenn with their screeds
And turn off their Instapundit RSS feeds.
"I'll not be number one," old Evil Glenn hissed
"The Alliance can take me off of their enemies list."
Glenn hated to lie to all his blog friends.
But if the Alliance could do it, then so could Evil Glenn.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
But kept typing onward until he was through.
He'd trick the Alliance, they never would know.
"In a blog war," he grinned, "truth is the first thing to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, the black-hearted fink,
To Alliance HQ, then he clicked every link!
Cornpone! Physics Geek! Frizzen Sparks! Zoo!
Drama Queen! Brain Shavings! There's One, Only!, too!
And he stuffed all their comments with a link to his post.
With hopes that they'd soon tell the Alliance's host!
Then he slunk to their blogrolls and clicked all their friends!
Disguising the source of the message he sends!
So the word soon got out just as quick as a flash.
Why, the Alliance had finally kicked Evil Glenn's ass!
Then he filled all their comments with just a few tries.
"And NOW!" grinned Evil Glenn, "There will be no more lies!"
Evil Glenn laughed at the crap he'd started to post
When he saw a new comment - much smarter than most.
He clicked the comment link and discovered just who!
Sexy Susie-Lou Who, and her boobs, One and Two.
Evil Glenn had been caught by this blogosphere daughter
Upon his sly plans she had just thrown cold water.
She stared at Evil Glenn and said, "Frank J, why,
"Why are YOU shutting down Instapundit? WHY?"
But, you know, Evil Glenn was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little siren," the fake Frank J. lied,
"Evil Glenn is good now, he's come to our side.
"So I'm taking his blog down, but I'll bring it back funny.
"The Alliance will rule all, and we'll have bags of money!"
And his fib fooled sweet Susie. Then he patted her head
And he got her a fireman and he sent her to bed.
And when Susie-Lou Who went to bed with her man,
Like a cowardly Frenchman, Evil Glenn turned and ran!
Then the last thing he hacked
Was the referer log.
Then he put up his feet, as he blended a dog.
Sure that confusion would spread through the Alliance like fog.
And then with an Instalanche
He crashed all their servers
And kicked back with the latest "Penguins for Perverts".
Then
He did the same thing
To every last blog.
Leaving bandwith
So thin that
It couldn't NOT clog!
It was quarter past dawn...
Servers crashing pell-mell
All the bloggers, still un-logged-on
When he packed up his Dell,
Packed it up with their links! And their traffic! And pings!
With their hot-buttered porn stars in leathery things!
With no one to challenge his Higher Being perch,
He Robot-Danced happily in Satan's church!
"Pooh-pooh to the bloggers!" he was Glenn-ily humming.
"They're finding out now that no assignment is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the bloggers in the Alliance will all blog BOO-HOO!"
"That's a post," grinned Evil Glenn,
"That I simply must read!"
He chuckled as he turned on his computer... "Indeed!"
And he did see some posts on the blogs he had thrashed.
On the ones that he THOUGHT he had thoroughly trashed...
But these postings weren't sad!
Why, they sounded quite merry!
It couldn't be so!
But they WERE merry! VERY!
He stared down at the blogs!
Evil Glenn popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
Was posting their assignment! They were NOT fooled at all!
He HADN'T stopped the assignment from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And Evil Glenn, with his Robot Dance paused in mid-thrust,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be thus?
It came without linkage! It came without posts!
"It came without DSL! Dial-up! Or hosts!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Evil Glenn thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe assignments aren't just a way to link-whore.
"Maybe if *I* did an assignment, I could even the score!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in the Alliance they say
With Enzyte, Glenn's small wang
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute he decided to share some of his links,
And declared that the Alliance wasn't just lying finks
He brought back the traffic! And he proved himself best
When he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
Evil Glenn... said
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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December 10, 2004
With Dan Rather leaving the CBS Evening News, there's been some chatter around the blogosphere that Glenn Reynolds would make a good replacement.
I guess good is a relative term, depending on good for whom and for what. Let's take a look at some of the probable changes and see...
Somewhere along the line, you can probably expect a penguin to have a Janet Jackson moment during one of Glenn's broadcasts. I'd call this a bad thing for everyone, except, perhaps for Straight White Eric's wife.
The DNC will continue to be made to look like ineffectual fools. That's good.
CBS news will now be on 120 times a day, 15 seconds at a time. Also expect 360 daily programming interruptions for updates. VERY bad. Especially for Survivor fans.
Moving CBS headquarters to Memphis will help pull in viewers from the coveted hillbilly demographic. This will mean more beer commercials featuring scantily-clad women. VERY good.
My odds of getting an Instalanche will remain at zero. Probably good for me to stay under his radar, considering what I've been saying about him.
Admit it. You've always wanted to see a hobo murdered live on national TV. Good thing.
CBS News will FINALLY be the number one Google hit for something. Probably "penguin porn". Bad for me, since that's MY bragging point.
All things considered, put me down in the... [flips coin]... "against" column for this Reynolds-replacing-Rather notion.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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December 03, 2004
The blog world once was peaceful, every blogger would play fair
With hits and links for everyone, so nicely would they share
Then Instapundit came along and climbed atop the charts
His status long unchallenged, his dark evil ruled these parts.
Until Frank J. rose up in rage and said "I'll stop him cold!"
"About Glenn Reynolds filthy lies will forever more be told!"
"He blends small puppies into shakes and drinks them by the hour!"
"He murders hobos at black mass and worships Satan's power!"
"He praises filthy commies then he does the robot dance!"
"He punched me in the head one time, I never stood a chance!"
And so Frank J the Alliance formed to spread these filthy lies,
In hopes that Instapundit would have to listen to our cries.
The days passed by, but even though Glenn tightened up his grip.
More lies were told and more free blogs would through his fingers slip.
"Evil Glenn's a vampire!", "He wears sandals with his socks!"
"He likes to watch nude penguins as they run around in flocks!"
With every passing week a new assignment would come out.
On yet another topic for more lies to be about.
His favorite song, his part-time job, his Evil Christmas, too
And just what he was doing down in Memphis at the zoo.
And still today our fight goes on, resisting Reynolds' reach
We hope to land the blogosphere some day on freedom's beach
So join the Alliance of Free Blogs, it really is the best.
And sing with us our freedom cry - INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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