Instapundit's Exciting Weekend

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Saw this at Reynolds' site:

my younger brother worked as an assistant there, boiling down corpses in turpentine with his grad-student girlfriend. Now that's an exciting weekend...

Giving his hobo-murdering habits, this one isn't TOO surprising, but it does make me wonder what ELSE this guy does for fun.

Unfortunately I found out. Turn's out he's going to be spending THIS weekend at a ski resort in Vail, Colorado, indulging in one of his favorite recreational sports:

EXTREME PUPPY BLENDING!

Now that's an exciting weekend...

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Why Glenn Reynolds Loves His Grandma

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

While surfing Instapundit, I was stopped dead in my tracks by this line:

"I've been hanging out with my grandmother, and enjoying it."

Odd. Outside of eating her chocolate chip cookies, I never enjoyed MY grandmother's company. Although her habit of balancing her dentures on her nose, tossing them up in the air, and catching them in her mouth may have had something to do with it.

Anyway, turns out that there are two reasons Glenn enjoys visiting Granny so much.

First, she always takes him out hobo-hunting:

"Look! It's Nick Nolte! Let's get 'im!"

Second, Elly May is totally freakin' HOT!

Now before you go "EWWWW! She's his cousin! That's just WRONG!", just be relieved that it's not his sister.

Not that THAT matters in Tennessee.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:52 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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CTHULHU IN A BUSINESS SUIT

(A Filthy Lie)

I always suspected Evil Glenn was just too evil to be human, but in today's User Friendly comic strip, I finally have proof.

Sure, they don't specifically mention his name, but who else would a c-list blogger send an e-mail to?

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Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Instapundit, But Were Too Afraid to Ask

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Sure, you know about the puppy blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshipping, commie praising, robot dancing, Frank J. punching, and penguin porn, but here are some things you DIDN'T know about Glenn Reynolds:

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* Glenn Reynolds can crash you server just by thinking about linking to you.

* Glenn Reynolds writes Garfield fan-strips, all of which end with Odie getting stuffed into a blender.

* They're STILL less predictable than the ones Jim Davis writes.

* You know that asteroid belt between Mars & Jupiter? That used to be a planet until Glenn Reynolds thought about linking to it.

* The KKK was completely harmless until Glenn Reynolds suggested that they put eye-holes in their hoods.

* Spammers originally got the idea for sending out a million e-mails per day by watching Glenn Reynolds post at Instapundit.

* It was Glenn Reynolds who first said to William Hung - "You've got talent. Go audition for American Idol."

* Satan's biggest fear is that he'll have to spend eternity with Glenn Reynolds after he dies.

* Glenn Reynolds' glasses are the only thing keeping his laser vision from incinerating the universe.

* Glenn Reynolds once deflected a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick by thinking about linking to it.

* Glenn Reynolds murdered Socrates by telling him his cup of hemlock was actually a Starbucks Iced White Chocolate Macchiato

* Nuclear bombs fear Glenn Reynolds going off on them.

* There's more than one way to skin a cat, and they were all discovered by Glenn Reynolds.

* Glenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas.

* One drop of Glenn Reynolds' bath water contains enough residual evil to de-sanctify Vatican City.

* Puppy blood is the secret ingredient in Insta-Cola.

* When CNN interviews Glenn Reynolds, they have to put special filters on the camera lenses, lest TV viewers be turned to stone.

* As for the fate of the audience in the studio... now you know where garden gnomes come from.

* Glenn Reynolds' remote control only has one button. When he presses it, his TV automatically tunes to the evilest show available.

* Usually "Full House".

* Glenn Reynolds' printer is a Hewlett-Packed BloodJet model 900.

* Spelling "Glenn Reynolds" on a Scrabble board will summon the demon Atazoth who - legends say - will exact retribution on the Overworld by getting Hillary elected in '08.

* Google recently changed their motto to "Don't be Glenn Reynolds".

* Glenn Reynolds personally hand-stitched Janet Jackson's Superbowl outfit.

* The blind leading the blind isn't so bad... Glenn Reynolds likes leading them into traffic during rush hour.

* In Glenn Reynolds' DVD collection, "Schindler's List" is filed under "Comedy", right between "Saw 2" and "Scream".

* Glenn Reynolds taught Senator Palpatine how to do that fingertip-lightning thing.

* The Lemarchand Box in "Hellraiser" is a device used by Cenobites to summon Glenn Reynolds.

* Glenn Reynolds never thought about linking to Martha Stewart, but he DID send her an e-mail on December 26, 2001, that was completly blank except for the word "Sell".

* Glenn Reynolds introduced Bill to Monica.

* Good things come to those who wait - unless Glenn Reynolds steals them first.

* Glenn Reynolds never actually punched Frank J. - he got Frank J. to punch himself by thinking about linking to him.

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I wonder what would happen if I spelled "Frank J." on a Scrabble board...

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Glenn Reynolds PR Flack on CNN

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

In an apparent effort to clean up his image, Glenn Reynolds hired a Public Relations agent to try to spin his image so he doesn't look quite so much like the blackhearted dominar of the blogosphere that we all know him to be. Here's a transcript of the CNN "On The Story" interview with info-hottie Abbi Tatton:

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ABBI: Instapundit - is he the eagle-eyed Truth watchdog of new media, or just talentless hack pajama-wearing blogger who lives in his mother's basement and tortures animals for fun? Today we're speaking with Twist Spinner, the Public Relations agent for Glenn Reynolds who promises to help us sort fact from fiction.

TWIST: Pleasure to be here with you today, since I really dig chicks with big hair. Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like Monica Lewinsky?

ABBI: [giggles] Flatterer!... but seriously, what's up with that puppy blending thing?

TWIST: A rumor wrapped in a falsehood inside a distortion. While Mr. Reynolds DOES frequently put puppies in blenders and grind them into a bloody pulp, it has nothing to do with the supposed "consuming their cuteness for energy" that's usually ascribed to it. He only does it to prevent the spread of Bird Flu. This dangerous disease threatens all of humanity and recently jumped from birds to weasels. Reynolds discovered that it's now affecting dogs:

and he's just trying to save the world from disease-ridden mutants, sort of like when Darth Vader blended the Jedi Younglings in Star Wars Episode III in an attempt to save the Old Republic.

ABBI: I see... what about the Robot Dancing?

TWIST: Glenn Reynolds believes in celebrating multicultural diversity, and as part of his Black History Month festivities, he showcased several dance styles - like the Robot Dance - made popular by great African-American entertainers like MC Hammer, Michael Jackson, Vanilla Ice, and Donny Osmond. It's his way of fighting back against racism.

ABBI: But doesn't he usually do his Robot Dancing while praising communists?

TWIST: You know, Abbi, great African-American leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King were also frequently smeared as communists by the racist right-wing media, and I'm disappointed by your crass perpetuation of this bigoted myth. Thank God for the pioneering work of Mr. Reynolds. With his help, the healing can finally begin.

ABBI: What about the Satan-worshipping?

TWIST: Another attempt at prejudicial fear-mongering. His religious services are frequently described as "Black masses in service of the Prince of Darkness", but surely you can see that "black" and "darkness" are just racist code-words used by the white Republican power structure to promote negative stereotypes against our melanin-enhanced brethren.

ABBI: So you're saying President Bush is a skinhead Neo-Nazi because he worships God?... Well, I guess that explains why he blew up the levees in New Orleans... What about Glenn's habitual punching of Frank J.? Is that a symbolic blow against the white Republican power structure?

TWIST: No, it's just fun to make Frank J. cry like a girl.

ABBI: I see... Well, that's all the time we have today. Join us next week here at "On The Story" when superstar blogger Michelle Malkin will be sharing her recipe for minced kitten brownies.

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Glenn Reynolds - What's He Hiding?

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

When Instapundit covered the "Ricin in Texas" story, he was amazingly quick to dismiss it as nothing.

Which makes wonder how he knows so much about illicit items such as this that he could confirm or deny its legitimacy from a thousand miles away. Isn't that more knowledge than a simple country lawyer should have?

Made me wonder what he's been up to, so I tossed his house while he was out pimping his book, and although I didn't find any chemical or biological weapons, I *did* find the following suspicious items:

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* A scale model of New Orleans with signs near Lake Pontchartrain saying "levee bombs go here".

* An original vintage 1960's Easy Bake Meth Lab.

* A copy of John Wayne Gacy's "Clowing For Dummies".

* A Samurai sword forged in 593 B.C., with the metal in the blade folded over 200 times.

* A first edition of "To Serve Man", in the original Kanamit.

* The shrunken head of Steven Den Beste.

* Twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was.

* Michele Malkin's minced kitten brownie recipe.

* A "Tickle Me Osama" doll.

* A small vial of something which I did not smell, and therefore assume to be Iocane powder.

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I also found a voice-operated blender in every room with varying amounts of leftover puppy coagulating in them, but these didn't strike me as being odd.

All I have to do now is figure out what he plans to do with all this stuff...

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