May 22, 2006
Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:
JACK: This is ridiculous! I can't believe they actually expect us to sort through ten billion phone records! How are we supposed to find any patterns in this mess?
EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.
JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?
EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...
JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!
EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.
JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.
EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!
JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]
EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.
JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?
EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!
JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?
EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!
JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.
EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...
JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!
EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.
BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?
EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.
BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?
EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...
JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.
EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?
JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...
[phone rings]
EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...
[hangs up]
JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!
EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.
JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!
EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...
JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?
EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...
Looks like the Puppy Blender has once again eluded the long arm of the law... but the Alliance will be watching you, Reynolds.
...always watching...
Posted by: Harvey at
09:21 AM
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Post contains 717 words, total size 5 kb.
May 12, 2006
(With apologies to Monty Python)
[a customer walks in the door]
Evil Glenn: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!
Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.
Owner: Matriarchal, sir?
Evil Glenn: Maternal.
Owner: Eh?
Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.
Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!
Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!
Owner: Come again?
Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!
Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Owner: Sorry?
Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin' bad, fo' shizzle!
Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?
Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.
Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.
Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.
Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?
Owner: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.
Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.
Owner: Ah! They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.
Evil Glenn: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady's Slipper?
Owner: Sorry.
Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?
Owner: (pause) No.
Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Eustoma?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.
Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,... They're a bit smelly...
Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.
Owner: Well,.. They're *very* smelly, actually, sir.
Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think they're a bit smellier than you'll like them, sir.
Evil Glenn: I don't care how f***ing smelly they are. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Evil Glenn: What now?
Owner: The goat's eaten them.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Painter's Pallette?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Queen Anne's Lace?
Owner: No, sir.
Evil Glenn: You...do *have* some flowers, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a flower shop, sir. We've got--
Evil Glenn: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.
Owner: Yes?
Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that's my name.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Lady's Mantle,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Evil Glenn: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular flower in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower 'round hyah?
Owner: Marigolds, sir.
Evil Glenn: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Evil Glenn: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh...Marigolds, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Evil Glenn: It's not much of a flower shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Evil Glenn: It's certainly uncontaminated by flowers....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Daisies, sir.
Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Evil Glenn: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
Owner: Told you sir....
Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Evil Glenn: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Evil Glenn: You haven't.
Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Evil Glenn: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Evil Glenn: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
Posted by: Harvey at
09:39 AM
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Post contains 938 words, total size 6 kb.
May 01, 2006
All he does is spend 90 minutes pimping his new book:
(click to enlarge)
On the other hand, I kinda like his new intro music, which is a dozen bars of "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window" that's cut short by the sound of a blender on "liquefy".
Posted by: Harvey at
07:28 AM
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Post contains 68 words, total size 1 kb.
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