December 30, 2005
Deep in a castle, located somewhere in darkest Memphis, a vampiric-looking gentleman sat on a throne of blackest ice, scuffing his socks-and-sandals clad feet agitatedly on the stone floor as he contemplated his latest blog-post:
Another added benefit of this earthquake is that the problem of high birth rates in these third world countries need matter no more, with this so-called "disaster" to even out the ratio of births to deaths. Less peasants in the third world equals less of the money I pay in taxes being spent on ‘Aid’ or emotional extortion, as I like to call it.
Evil Glenn [finger poised above delete button]: No, too compassionate... yet compassion DOES seem to be the "in" thing these days... Maybe I should resolve to be a kinder, gentler blogger in 2006... Maybe I should embrace my inner child and [bulk of introspective soliloquy deleted as a mercy to readers]... But who would I ask for advice on such an important decision?... I know! I'll just Google semi-randomly and...
[shortly thereafter, at a house located somewhere in the frozen wastes of Wisconsin...]
[ring... ring... ring]
Harv: Hello?
Evil Glenn: Hi! Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?
Harv: A telemarketer! Thank God! I was afraid you might be a dark blogospheric overlord looking for advice on a deeply personal issue...
Evil Glenn: Oh man. You ain't gonna like THIS one, Currency Freak...
Harv: Crap. It's you. And stop calling me Currency Freak. I don't post Graffiti Currency anymore.
Evil Glenn: What about these 284 posts?
Harv: ... YOU SHUT UP! I'm trying to cut down... Besides... it's a TWELVE step program... I'm kinda stuck on step one... you ever tried being an atheist in search of a higher power?
Evil Glenn: There's always Satan...
Harv: And again with the shut up, please. So... what's got your knickers twisted this time?
Evil Glenn: Well, it's just a little existential angst about conflicting paradigms and my...
Harv: Can it, Hamlet. Cut to the chase.
Evil Glenn: I thought you could help me with my New Year's resolution to be more compassionate in 2006.
Harv: Why me?
Evil Glenn: Because you're the #1 Google hit for it.
Harv: "Compassionate"?
Evil Glenn: Well... "compassionate penguin porn"...
Harv: I was WONDERING how that one got in my referer logs. So... whaddya wanna know?
Evil Glenn: How do I stop being such a vile, ruthless, despicable bastard?
Harv: Lawyer.
Evil Glenn: Exactly. I want to be more thoughtful, loving, caring, and vaguely effeminate, like you.
Harv: Vaguely effeminate?
Evil Glenn: OK, not so vaguely. Are you going to help me or not?
Harv: Not if you're going to be insulting.
Evil Glenn: FINE! Grossly effeminate! Now make with the helpity-help!
Harv: That's better. And you just got your first lesson. When seeking assistance, ask nicely. Write that down.
Evil Glenn: OK. Ask... nicely... Then what?
Harv: Next you've got to change some of your... bad habits. No more blending puppies.
Evil Glenn: But I need the energy!
Harv: That's why God created cocaine. Next... stop murdering hobos.
Evil Glenn: But how will I appease Satan's blood-lust so that I can stay on top of the Ecosystem?
Harv: That's another thing. No more worshipping Princes of Darkness. Now, I don't expect you to go cold turkey, but try something a little less evil.
Evil Glenn: Karl Rove?
Harv: I said LESS evil!
Evil Glenn: Rumsfeld?
Harv: Actually, I was thinking Condi Rice, but that's a start. Now... about your choice of footwear...
Evil Glenn: What?... You've got a problem with Birkenstocks & knee-high Hello Kitty socks?
Harv: Do you want my help or not?
Evil Glenn: Yeah, yeah... pink pumps with little sparklies?
Harv: They're not open toe, are they?
Evil Glenn: No
Harv: They'll do.
Evil Glenn: Next I suppose you'll want me to stop punching Frank J.?
Harv: HELL no. You can smack him around 'till the cows come home. If he's incapacitated, I get to post whatever I want at IMAO.
Evil Glenn: That doesn't sound very compassionate...
Harv: Hey! I'm the one giving the advice! You just keep taking notes!
Evil Glenn: ... just sayin', is all...
Harv: Anyway, one more thing and you'll be as vaguely effeminate...
Evil Glenn: Grossly effeminate...
Harv: Whatever... as me. You need to give up penguin porn.
Evil Glenn: Give up... oh... no... no, no, no. We shan't be doing that.
Harv: Sorry, Glenn. The road to compassion travels not through penguinperv.com.
Evil Glenn: But... But... I just CAN'T give it up! Those stubby wings... that sensuous waddle... those silky little feathers... I... mmmm... oooohhh... feathers... yes... YES!
Harv: Glenn... what are you doing?
Evil Glenn: Uh... I gotta go, um... milk the cow.
[click]
I didn't know Evil Glenn had a farm...
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
[hat tip to Sally of Whimsy Capricious for the pointer to "Evil Glenn's" post]
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December 18, 2005
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)
...for what's in the extended entry... more...
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December 13, 2005
Why, Pajamas Mediocrity, of course.
Which - let's be brutally honest - has more entertainment and/or instructional value (not to mention a better URL) than the site it's parodying.
Congratulations on more mayhem, Phin.
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December 12, 2005
When Frank & Sarah get married, there's one thing they'll have to watch out for... (see extended entry) more...
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December 04, 2005
This week's Filthy Lie Assignment was to answer the question:
What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport?
Turns out there was no connection at all.
Seems Glenn was just trying to catch a flight to Iraq so that he could share Thanksgiving dinner with the troops, as seen in this completely non-photoshopped image:
The unruly mob?
They all wanted to get tickets to Amazon.com's headquarters in Seattle, so they could... discuss... why their 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book got deleted:
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