November 07, 2005
I heard Reynolds produced a new Broadway musical, loosely based on T.S. Eliot's book of poems, "Old Hobo's Book of Puréed Puppies" or something... (see extended entry) more...
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October 28, 2005
Laura from Can't Keep Quiet took a look at logo for the Alliance of Free Blogs:
and decided that it looked a lot like a certain Nazi logo:
dropping broad hints along the way that of course a bunch of fascist right-wingers would choose a Nazi symbol to represent their organization.
Being as she's liberal, she is - by definition - completely and inarguably correct in her analysis.
In fact, it's time for Alliance to goose-step out of the closet and go with the logo that we'd REALLY like (see extended entry):
Whaddya think?
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October 21, 2005
Some of you may have seen this Day By Day cartoon and wondered, "Why does Glenn Reynolds have an alien living at his house?"
Turns out it's not REALLY an alien. It's Phin, from Phin's Blog.
It's all part of Glenn's plan to destroy any bloggers who might threaten his rulership of the blogosphere. His first target, naturally, was IMAO. After all, it WAS Frank J. who first exposed his puppy-blending habit.
So he hired Phin, who - bitter at not being invited to join IMAO - agreed to use his awesome photoshopping powers to destroy IMAO once and for all.
With dreams of vengeance twisting his mind, he developed an image so inhumanly revolting that a single glance would send any IMAO reader screaming into the night, clawing at his eyes, never to return again to the now-accursed URL of www.imao.us.
The only way to defeat Evil Glenn's foul plot is to not view the extended entry...
Aren't you glad you didn't click?
On the bright side, Phin has been captured and now faces punishment for his crimes against humanity.
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October 14, 2005
(A Filthy Lie)
Just saw this at Instapundit, and thought I'd share:
You know those voices you hear in your head? I usually listen to mine, because they never steer me wrong. Although sometimes they're a little garbled, like this one time when I thought the voice said "blend a cub" instead of the usual "blend a pup".
Hey, nobody's perfect.
Whether it's "slaughter a hobo for Satan" or "dip yourself in honey and roll around in penguin feathers", I've learned to listen to the still, small voice within.
So, when I heard the words "I want you to attack Iraq", who was I to question?
It wasn't until after I'd reduced half the countryside to a smoking crater...:
Iraq attack as photographed by my good friend Al Feldstein
...that I got a follow-up message on my head-voice-mail. Turned out the "attack Iraq" thing was intended for President Bush. Apparently the Angel in charge of routing God's messages was a little... distracted that week:
Heh. Indeed.
UPDATE: That Instapundit link isn't working. Just go to the front page & look around. I'm sure it's there somewhere.
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October 07, 2005
After seeing "March of the Penguins", I decided that I'd like to get a closer look at these amazing creatures in their natural habitat, so I booked a cruise to Antarctica.
Or TRIED to.
Have you priced cruise ship tickets lately? OUTRAGEOUS!
Fortunately, I discovered that Glenn Reynolds recently bought out Princess Cruise Lines and had some incredibly cheap introductory offers.
Yes, I know Glenn is evil and I shouldn't support his business ventures, but the ticket was only 15 bucks, plus I got a free "I [Heart] blended puppies" T-shirt. How could I say no?
Nothing of note happened until after we'd arrived at scenic Port Lockroy. Then things got a little... interesting...
As I wandered about the frozen wastelands, I saw a sinister, yet familiar figure amidst a flock of penguins...
Harv: Evil Glenn! What are you doing here?
Evil Glenn: Dammit Currency Freak! Can't I go ANYWHERE without bumping into you?
Harv: I was just thinking the same thing... except substitute the phrase "puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping bastard."
Evil Glenn: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I'm here to film a little penguin porn.
Harv: Long way to travel just to exploit innocent wildlife. Don't you have a "special" troop of penguins at home to use for your deviant & nefarious purposes?
Evil Glenn: Well, yes, but the adult entertainment industry is hard on participants (Heh). The ladies tend to skankify pretty fast. I mean think about how hag-like Madonna's gotten.
Harv: EWWWW! I REALLY didn't need that picture in my head. But I guess I see your point. Still, it's just plain wrong to demean innocent...
Evil Glenn: Hel-LOOOO! I had my conscience surgically removed my first year of law school. You might as well try to shame a Kennedy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long list of movies that need to hit the shelves in the next couple of weeks, and I really don't have time for idle chit-chat.
Harv: What "list of movies"?
Evil Glenn: Oh, "Back Door Birdie", "Flippers of Lust", "Swimming Sluts", "Cold Feet - Hot Ass"...
Harv: That's disgusting!
Evil Glenn: "Fine Feathered Foreplay", "Flock You", "Black & White Bump & Grind", "Tux & Sucks"...
Harv: I think I'm gonna puke.
Evil Glenn: "Flappin' & Boppin'", "Freaks With Beaks", "Wings & Wangs", "Feathery Friend Felching Fun"...
Harv: Dear God! Please... Stop!
Evil Glenn: "Hot Nude Amatuer Penguin Trios", "Lay Me Instead of an Egg", "Aviary of Anal", "XXX Black Peeing Porn"...
Harv: Hey! That last one's not penguin-related.
Evil Glenn: So? I'm not allowed to have outside interests?
Harv: You pathetic, sick, twisted, degenerate monster!
Evil Glenn:...
Harv: Yeah, yeah, I know... Lawyer... Right! I'm going back to the ship, and when I get home, I'm filing a report at Alliance HQ.
Evil Glenn: Let's not be hasty. I still need someone to play the part of the Naughty Zoo-keeper in this next scene...
Harv: Leaving now!
Evil Glenn: Come back! I can make you a star! Just bend this penguin over that snowbank and... Crap! He's gone. Oh well. Come on, Opus, we've got work to do...
The return trip was uneventful, and thanks to some professional help and a lot of drinking, the mental wounds are healing nicely. I just wanted to let everyone know that a new batch of penguin porn will be on the streets soon unless the puppy-blending pervert is stopped. Meanwhile, don't buy any porn unless it's certified penguin-free. Just look for this symbol.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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After seeing "March of the Penguins", I decided that I'd like to get a closer look at these amazing creatures in their natural habitat, so I booked a cruise to Antarctica.
Or TRIED to.
Have you priced cruise ship tickets lately? OUTRAGEOUS!
Fortunately, I discovered that Glenn Reynolds recently bought out Princess Cruise Lines and had some incredibly cheap introductory offers.
Yes, I know Glenn is evil and I shouldn't support his business ventures, but the ticket was only 15 bucks, plus I got a free "I [Heart] blended puppies" T-shirt. How could I say no?
Nothing of note happened until after we'd arrived at scenic Port Lockroy. Then things got a little... interesting...
As I wandered about the frozen wastelands, I saw a sinister, yet familiar figure amidst a flock of penguins...
Harv: Evil Glenn! What are you doing here?
Evil Glenn: Dammit Currency Freak! Can't I go ANYWHERE without bumping into you?
Harv: I was just thinking the same thing... except substitute the phrase "puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping bastard."
Evil Glenn: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I'm here to film a little penguin porn.
Harv: Long way to travel just to exploit innocent wildlife. Don't you have a "special" troop of penguins at home to use for your deviant & nefarious purposes?
Evil Glenn: Well, yes, but the adult entertainment industry is hard on participants (Heh). The ladies tend to skankify pretty fast. I mean think about how hag-like Madonna's gotten.
Harv: EWWWW! I REALLY didn't need that picture in my head. But I guess I see your point. Still, it's just plain wrong to demean innocent...
Evil Glenn: Hel-LOOOO! I had my conscience surgically removed my first year of law school. You might as well try to shame a Kennedy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long list of movies that need to hit the shelves in the next couple of weeks, and I really don't have time for idle chit-chat.
Harv: What "list of movies"?
Evil Glenn: Oh, "Back Door Birdie", "Flippers of Lust", "Swimming Sluts", "Cold Feet - Hot Ass"...
Harv: That's disgusting!
Evil Glenn: "Fine Feathered Foreplay", "Flock You", "Black & White Bump & Grind", "Tux & Sucks"...
Harv: I think I'm gonna puke.
Evil Glenn: "Flappin' & Boppin'", "Freaks With Beaks", "Wings & Wangs", "Feathery Friend Felching Fun"...
Harv: Dear God! Please... Stop!
Evil Glenn: "Hot Nude Amatuer Penguin Trios", "Lay Me Instead of an Egg", "Aviary of Anal", "XXX Black Peeing Porn"...
Harv: Hey! That last one's not penguin-related.
Evil Glenn: So? I'm not allowed to have outside interests?
Harv: You pathetic, sick, twisted, degenerate monster!
Evil Glenn:...
Harv: Yeah, yeah, I know... Lawyer... Right! I'm going back to the ship, and when I get home, I'm filing a report at Alliance HQ.
Evil Glenn: Let's not be hasty. I still need someone to play the part of the Naughty Zoo-keeper in this next scene...
Harv: Leaving now!
Evil Glenn: Come back! I can make you a star! Just bend this penguin over that snowbank and... Crap! He's gone. Oh well. Come on, Opus, we've got work to do...
The return trip was uneventful, and thanks to some professional help and a lot of drinking, the mental wounds are healing nicely. I just wanted to let everyone know that a new batch of penguin porn will be on the streets soon unless the puppy-blending pervert is stopped. Meanwhile, don't buy any porn unless it's certified penguin-free. Just look for this symbol.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
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October 03, 2005
First Frank brings up the fact that Glenn Reynolds may have switched his blending preference from canine to ursine.
Then Frank gets all sexist by suggesting how incompetent a mob of female assassins would be.
Combining these ideas, I can't help but wonder how Instapundit would be different if Reynolds were a woman.
First, I guess she'd be referred to as "Evil Glennda".
Probably still blend puppies, since dogs are man's best friend, and you know how jealous women can get.
Blending bear cubs? Definitely, since most women think guns are icky, and all American bears are kept armed (it's right there in the Constitution, people).
Yeah, I know SarahK's a woman and she LIKES guns, but she's really pretty and - since you know how jealous women can get - it's just another reason for bear-blending to Glennda.
But would Glennda still be conservative?... Doubtful, since most women are touchy-feely liberals.
Yeah, I know Ann Coulter's conservative, but she's blond and pretty (just like SarahK) and - since you know how jealous women can get - it implies that Glennda would blend anthing blond or even yellow, like bananas and canaries - possibly with honey, strawberries, dishwater, bleach and/or peroxide.
Mao-worshipping? - Nah. Everyone knows girls like Che Guevera.
Punching Frank J.? Oh HELL yeah! Even pretty girls like SarahK enjoy THAT!
Satan-worshipping? Nah... all chicks are Christians who drag you to boring church services & tell you to read the Bible, then get mad when you start reading the dirty parts, like where Solomon is ogling naked women whose breasts are like clusters of grapes.
Murdering hobos? Well, women DO like that unkempt "bad boy" look, and they seem to prefer men who drink too much (just like SarahK!). Of course, all women eventually DO go crazy and give midnight Bobbitectomies, so I'm not sure whether to count that as murder or not.
Penguin Porn? Women just don't like porn. However they ARE hot for a man in a tux - expecially if he looks like a bad boy & drinks too much. Glennda might watch it if it were one of those soft-core things on Lifetime or Oxygen.
Other than that, probably the only change to the Instapundit site would be a barely-noticable tweaking of the background tint:
Think there'd be any other differences?
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September 18, 2005
(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)
If you're one of the few people that still goes to Instapundit, you've probably noticed how pathetic his "about me" post is. Sure, he's got a tiny blurb about "I wrote this & that wonderfully boring piece of tripe, gaze upon my works ye mighty and despair", but he really needs something more... personal. Something to make him seem more human.
Or less INhuman, as the case may be.
So I thought I'd do my part to help the old guy out - since he finally linked the podcast - and recommend some biographical tidbits that he ought to share.
ABOUT GLENN REYNOLDS
* Glenn got to be the top blogger in the Ecosystem through a series of carefully targeted assassinations, which explains why you never hear about JimmyHoffa.com anymore.
* Glenn invented reusable toilet paper, which, for some reason, never really caught on.
* Except in France.
* Like most bloggers, Glenn composes all his posts longhand using a penguin-quill pen, puppy blood, and hobo-skin parchment.
* Glenn's owns an '88 Yugo with license plate PPBLNDR
* Glenn's incredibly thick geek-glasses were originally a gift from a fat kid who used them to start campfires while stranded on an island with a group of feral boys.
* Glenn's day job is with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.
* Glenn's first web page was actually a Judy Garland fan site.
* It was later sold to Andrew Sullivan for an undisclosed sum.
* According to Glenn, baby seals "taste just like chicken"
* Glenn owns 7 shirts, 7 ties, 7 pairs of pants, 7 pairs of socks, 7 pairs of underwear, 7 sports coats, and 7 pairs of shoes, all exactly the same. It saves him the trouble of having to decide what to wear on any given day.
* Unfortunately, he keeps grabbing the same set of clothes, much to the dismay of those who have to work with him on Fridays.
* Somewhere a portrait of Glenn is magically growing increasingly old and ugly.
* Glenn owns a very popular chain of fast food joints in Tennessee called "EvilBurger"
* People say the burgers "taste just like chicken."
If you know any of any important biographical tidbits that I've missed, you can drop them in the comments.
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September 10, 2005
Have you ever travelled to a foreign country and tried to ask where the bathroom was, only to discover that - in the native monkey-jabber - the words you used actually meant something entirely different? Like you just asked the guy if you could lick his elbow, and then he punches you right in the face and you have to get nine stitches?
I can't be the only one that's happened to.
Anyway, I know that if you go travelling, you'll want to keep in touch with the blog world, so you'll be tempted to mention to a native that you're going to check Instapundit. However, I must warn you that doing so may be fraught with danger. So in an effort to prevent future international incidents, I thought I'd check on what "Instapundit" meant in various foreign languages. Before you open your mouth in some filthy, non-American cesspool of a country, check the list:
Arabic - Those camels are sexually desirable.
Chinese - I enjoy shoving rice up my nose.
Korean - Your hair is quite poofy.
Zulu - I offer three plump goats for your daughter.
Eskimo - My club is too small to kill that baby seal.
Klingon - I have dishonored your family by mating with your mother, who is quite ugly.
Hebrew - Is that shake made with kosher puppies?
Democrat - My taxes are too low. Please raise them with great haste.
Irish - Let's drink and fight!
Kurdish - I miss Saddam.
Portuguese - Ricky Martin! Mmmm... FOXY!
Esperanto - I think we should resort to cannibalism.
Icelandic - With hindsight, I regret licking this flagpole.
Swedish - Are those real?
Thai - Enter my car and I will give you candy.
Italian - Your sister's back hair is quite fetching.
Ukranian - $40 million is too much for such a small nuclear device. You must do better, or I will take my business to Belarus.
Scottish - Is that a bagpipe in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Canadian - Instapundit, eh?
I also tried it in French, but - like every other word I tried - it kept coming back as "we surrender". I think the Google Translator might be broken.
If I missed any important languages, feel free to leave your translations in the comments.
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September 02, 2005
I knew that Instapundit's been getting worried about Michele Malkin's increasing popularity in the Ecosystem, and I heard a rumor that he was going to start buying BlogAds to keep his traffic up, but I was still a little surprised the first time I saw this:
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August 28, 2005
So I wandered into the IMAO break room for a cup of coffee to find the lovely and talented SarahK sitting there looking glum...
HARV: Mornin' Sarah. You're looking remarkably underweight today. Why so sad?
sarah: i was just thinking that the imao readers give us so much... we should do more to give back to the community... something charitable
HARV: Well, all the writers that Frank adopted have agreed to not take any money so that Frank J. can shower you with sparkly diamonds. That's sorta like charity.
sarah: i like diamonds! they're shiny and pretty! like the eyes of happy children! you should do something for children so that they look more like diamonds.
HARV: I already help children by beating them up and stealing their lunch money, thus forcing them to work harder to earn replacement money, which improves the economy. EVERYBODY wins!
sarah: ummmm.... maybe there's another way to help children. there's an ad here in the paper that says this summer camp is hiring counselors. i'll bet that would make kids happy. you should apply.
HARV: Well... it IS in Iowa, and I *do* need to do some research for that upcoming podcast...
sarah: great!... oh, and if you see frank on your way out, tell him my diamond collection needs polishing.
...so I went to Iowa, passed the interview by virtue of being able to fog a mirror, and soon found myself in the orientation room getting instructions from the leader of the camp - Glenn Reynolds...
GLENN: Hello, teammates! Welcome to the Glenn Reynolds Super Happy Lucky Fun Dancing And Concentration Camp For Kids. As you know, I'm a big fan of communism, and one of my favorite commies, Hugo Chavez, was recently threatened with assassination by Pat Robertson. I thought I'd cheer him up by sending him a video of dozens of American children doing the robot dance, since NOTHING says "Yay! Communism!" like a good robot dance.
As counselors, your job will be to teach these kids how to dance. We're on a tight schedule, so if the kids start getting tired, just give 'em puppy shakes until they perk up.
Now hop to it, people!
...unfortunately, I was busy listening to the latest IMAO podcast & didn't catch everything he said, so...
HARV: All right kids, we're here to build robots for France, so... YOU!... [squints at nametag]... Timmy... you look the most like Jimmy Neutron... here's a box of toy light sabers. Grab your nerdy little friends & make robots out of these.
TIMMY: No problem, Mr. Harvey... say, what do you want these robots to do?
HARV: Well, they're going to France, so program them to engage in random acts of violence.
TIMMY: But Mr. Glenn said something about making them dance...
HARV: Huh?... oh... then give them guns so they can shoot at the Frenchman's feet. THAT'LL make 'em dance.
TIMMY: But I think Mr. Glenn said that the ROBOTS should dance.
HARV [high pitched mocking voice]: Mr. Glenn said! Mr. Glenn said!... FINE!... make them dancing robots... with guns!
TIMMY: But I can't make bullets out of plastic toys! I need gunpowder for that.
HARV [rolling eyes]: They are NOT paying me enough to put up with this cr... HERE! Here's some baseball bats! Just make it so they swing at those stupid surrender monkeys' legs!
TIMMY: So... what kind of dance should the robots do? Break? Ballroom? Tango? Waltz? Disco? Dirty?
HARV: I DON'T CARE! I'm trying to write Fun Facts About Iowa and I'm still twenty corn jokes short! Just go with that first one you said! Now leave me alone before I beat you up and take your lunch money!
...the night of the big dance videotaping arrived...
HARV [to self]: "now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick my ear". HA! Pure genius!
TIMMY: The robots are finished, Mr. Harvey. Can we please eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom now?
HARV: Huh?... uh... yeah, whatever. I think Reynolds said there were some guppy cakes or something in the mess hall. Just give me the remote control for the robots... Oh! AND your lunch money.
...I marched the robots up to the stage where Glenn Reynolds was demonstrating the choreography for the production...
HARV [glancing over keypad]: Let's see... AH! "Break"... There they go... uh oh... this doesn't look right... I think I need to find Timmy...
...later, in the mess hall...
HARV: Timmy, it's not that I don't appreciate all your hard work, but when I pressed "break", the robots all started smashing Evil... I mean MR.... Glenn's kneecaps with their baseball bat arms. Not that I mind, you understand, but I *am* a little confused.
TIMMY: Hmmm... let me see that remote... OH! *I* see!... just a typo in the program. It says "break danceR" instead of "break dance". Sorry about that.
HARV [tousling Timmy's hair]: Don't worry about it, ya little scamp. My work here is done. I'm going home. Thanks for all your help, Timmy.
TIMMY: Does that mean you're going to give me my lunch money back?
HARV: Don't push you luck, kid.
...a few days later, back at the IMAO break room, I bumped into SarahK again...
sarah: i heard you liberated an entire camp of innocent children while crippling glenn reynolds for life. now that's what i call giving back to the community! i'll bet those kids had the prettiest, shiniest eyes!
HARV: It went even better than I'd hoped. I finished Iowa, got $53 in change, plus some of the kids even gave up their cell phones. I smell an economic boom ahead.
sarah: any diamonds?
HARV: Nah. But I did get a gold tooth from this one kid who was a little slow reaching for his wallet... here, you can have it.
sarah: oo! it's pretty and shiny!
HARV: And the best part is that - with Reynolds being in the hospital and unable to blog - he's no longer number one in the Ecosystem. It's Michelle Malkin's blogosphere now, and... uh oh...
sarah: STOP TALKING ABOUT MICHELLE MALKIN! SHE'S NOT PRETTIER THAN ME! I'LL KILL YOU! DIE! DIE! DIE!
[gunshots]
...so as I lay here in the hospital getting my bullets removed, it occurs to me that the next time the nurse comes by to take my temperature, I should probably try to steal the diamond out of her wedding ring so that maybe SarahK won't shoot me so much next time I see her.
She's got a bit of a vengeful streak, ya know.
I just hope she didn't do anything to Michelle Malkin...
Uh oh... Ecosystem rankings... August 26th, 2005...
MALKINO DELENDA EST?
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August 21, 2005
I heard a rumor that Glenn Reynolds was writing his biography.
Apparently I was slightly misinformed.
Instead of cranking out some 957-page pile of blathering crap, he managed to condense his life into a single song.
And thanks to a little bit of covert hackery, I've managed to obtain a copy of his little ditty WEEKS before it hits iTunes.
Enjoy.
SYMPATHY FOR GLENN REYNOLDS
(with apologies to the Rolling Stones)
(see extended entry)
more...
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August 07, 2005
Rumor has it that Glenn Reynolds has been tapped by NASA to improve our currently-stumbling space program.
His first priority: making sure astronauts don't starve to death if they get stuck in orbit pulling flattened spacemonkeys and other debris off the nose of the shuttle.
Now, we're all well aware of Glenn's preferred energy drink, but the problem is that normal blenders require gravity to keep the puppy in contact with the whirling blades. In a low-gravity environment, the resulting product comes out as a hideous, lumpy mess, not unlike Helen Thomas's face.
(artist's conception of low gravity dog-blending with conventional blender)
To correct this problem, Glenn has invented the zero-gravity puppy blender, as pictured in the extended entry... more...
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July 31, 2005
Not long ago, Glenn Reynolds mused that he'd be more than happy to sell Instapundit for the bargain price of $145 million dollars.
Naturally he got flooded with offers, so he ran a contest: "Tell why you should be allowed to buy Instapundit in 200 words or less".
Here are some of the responses:
Muqtada al-Sadr - "According to the Prophet Mohammed, all unbelievers are as filthy hobos in the eyes of Allah, and must be murdered. I will be most proud to carry on Evil Glenn's holy homeless jihad. Will you take a check drawn on a Saudi bank?"
John Bolton - "Once Bush takes his balls out of that little box that Laura keeps them in, he'll FINALLY get around to naming me as ambassador to the UN. I will use the power of Instapundit - and possibly a large wooden mallet - to crush all those stupid foreigners like bugs! LIKE BUGS, I SAY!"
Muzammil Siddiq, Muslim Religious Scholar - "Now that we have issued a fatwa condemning terrorism, we must make this pronouncement be heard from ALL of our most holy sites, including the holiest of all, the site of Imampundit, the most... what?... CRAP!... nevermind..."
Kim Jong Il - "As leader of the #1 dog-consuming nation in the world, what could be more appropriate that having me take control of Ilstapundit and its vast archive of canine-based recipes?"
Condoleezza Rice - "I think Bush might respect me more if I had a powerful blog. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but I *do* get a little tired of being patted on the head and being called 'my wittle Condi-Wondi'".
Michael Griffin, NASA Administrator - "We just want to own SOMETHING that doesn't have chunks of foam falling off it".
Steve Jobs, Apple CEO - "iNstapundit... got a nice ring to it..."
Bill Gates, Chairman, Microsoft - "The transition to Vistapundit will be seamless, since Reynolds and I both have pretty much the same deal with Satan."
Michael Eisner, Disney CEO - "We haven't had a hit movie since "Monsters, Inc.", and I'm thinking we could at least make a couple bucks with selling T-shirts on this site or something, and... wait... I KNOW!... "Herbie: Fully Blogged"!... It's so hip and trendy that it can't possibly fail!"
Johnny Depp - "I just finished playing a powerful-yet-creepy reclusive iconoclast with a fetish for short, waddling things that all look alike. I'm SO ready to be the new Instapundit."
AND THE WINNER IS... (in the extended entry) more...
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July 24, 2005
On Monday, July 11th, Instapundit was, for a few brief hours, no longer the #1 blog in the Ecosystem, having been replaced by the 30-times-more-popular "Painless Self Promotion."
(click to enlarge)
The next day, things were back to normal, with Instapundit once again on top, and Painless Self Promotion nowhere to be seen. Almost as though it had never existed.
Well, I was there and I know what happened.
It all started just after we finished taping the round-table segment for the IMAO podcast...
FRANK: All right Scott, you have enough material now? Can we hang up?
SCOTT: Well, Frank, if I take out all the times you said "uhhhh..." in the last six hours, I think I can get 15 minutes out of this, so... yeah.
ALL: YAY! FINALLY!
FRANK: Now before we go...
[assorted grumbling]
FRANK: Before we go, I'd like to get some more ideas on how to promote the podcast.
KEVIN: We could pay people to listen to it...
FRANK: That's the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard. I don't even pay you people to WRITE the stupid thing! Besides, I need all my money so that I can give handfuls of giant diamonds to my little sweetie-face.
sarahk: yay! diamonds are pretty! just like me!
SPACEMONKEY: We could try telling people about it instead of hiding our shameful secret like it was some sort of crazy aunt living in our attic.
FRANK: Telling people about it?... Why... that's so crazy, it just might work! Tell ya what, Monkey, I'm putting you in charge of the project.
HARV: I think Kevin should be in charge. He's a lawyer, so he's used to lying to people to make them believe that something bad is good.
KEVIN: I think RightWingDuck should do it. He's Mexican, and with him in charge, the IMAO podcast would soon comprise 14% of all the podcasts in America.
RIGHTWINGDUCK: Nah, make Laurence do it. He's Jewish, so he can pull some strings with the International Zionist Conspiracy.
LAURENCE: Sorry, that only works with money. This is comedy. Who the heck ever heard of a Jewish comedian?
FRANK: SILENCE! I've made my decision. Monkey's in charge, because he's an Alabama hayseed, and they're good at organization, planning, and taking over countries. Look what his people accomplished in the Civil War.
HARV: Uh, Frank, the South...
FRANK: Don't interrupt me!... Monkey, I want you to set up a web site that'll allow us - by which I mean YOU - to shamelessly self-promote the podcast. Meanwhile, I'm gonna hang up and go have marital relations with SarahK.
sarahk: no marital relations until after we're married! now say good-bye to your little friends and go study your Bible while I go make myself pretty for church.
FRANK: DAMNATION!
sarahk: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? you better not have blasphemed!
FRANK: Uh... I said... "Dalmation!"... It... uh... suddenly struck me what kind of dog I wanted to get.
sarahk: oh... good!... dalmations are pretty!... BUT YOU DON'T GET A DOG UNTIL AFTER WE'RE MARRIED, EITHER!
SPACEMONKEY: You better go, Frank... but what should we call the site?
FRANK: Something like "Shameless Self Promotion", except not that... think of a cooler name... Later guys...[click]
SPACEMONKEY: So... "Shameless Self Promotion" work for you guys?
[general murmurs of assent]
SPACEMONKEY: Ok, so who wants to help me work on this?
RIGHTWINGDUCK: Uh... my wife says my burritos are ready... BYE! [click]
LAURENCE: Zionist Conspiracy meeting... have to decide what to tell Greenspan to do with the interest rates... later guys. [click]
KEVIN: I have to photoshop you guys so you look completely gay... this could take hours... except for Frank's pic...[click]
SPACEMONKEY: Looks like it's up to us, Harv. Any ideas?
HARV: What's in this for me again?
SPACEMONKEY: Uh... bags and bags of money?
HARV: Riiiiight. I've heard THAT before.
SPACEMONKEY: I'll do "Fun Facts About Georgia" for you...
HARV:... so here's the plan... you make up an html page with a link to the podcast, and I'll hijack a popular page to put it on.
SPACEMONKEY: But hijacking is WRONG!
HARV: Yes it is, but this is more like piracy, which means we can wear eye-patches & parrots & say "YARRRRR!" and get lots of hot chicks like Johnny Depp.... Ah!... I see Technorati's FUBAR again... they won't miss their page... try uploading to it Monkey.
SPACEMONKEY: They want a username & password.
HARV: Try "linkwhores" and "404forever"
SPACEMONKEY: Ok... I'm in... page is loading... Hey! It worked!
HARV: Quick! Check the Ecosystem!
SPACEMONKEY: WE'RE #1!!!
HARV: Um... you listed it on the Ecosystem as "Painless", not "Shameless".
SPACEMONKEY: Sorry. Pain and shame are both such a big part my life since I started doing the Podcast that I get them confused sometimes.
HARV: Eh, you can fix it tomorrow. See ya then. [click]
[...next morning...]
[ring...ring]
HARV: KBBL's gonna give me something stupid!
SPACEMONKEY: Hey Harv, it's Spacemonkey.
HARV: Does this mean I don't get the elephant?
SPACEMONKEY: Even worse. You know how we hijacked...
HARV: PIRATED! Yarrrrr!
SPACEMONKEY: Uh... yeah... "pirated"...
HARV: YARRRRR!
SPACEMONKEY: Will you shut up for a second? Apparently "Technorati" is actually an Italian name, and they're related to the Gambinos and the Corleones. They left a "message" for me, suggesting that I give their site back.
HARV: I thought they used horses?
SPACEMONKEY: Apparently Instapundit wasn't happy with being knocked down to #2, so he was glad to help. Anyway, after they got done breaking my kneecaps, I took down our link. Do you think Frank's gonna be mad?
HARV: Nah. I thought this would happen, so I sent him a present to keep his mind off the podcast.
SPACEMONKEY: You got SarahK to give him marital relations?
HARV: Better. I got him that Damnation puppy he wanted.
SPACEMONKEY: Harv... he said Dalmation.
HARV: Dal... uh... CRAP! I gotta make some phone calls.
SPACEMONKEY: Ok, talk to ya next round-table [click]
HARV [dialing frantically]: Hi! Cerberus Hill Puppy Farm? I called this morning about...
Remember folks, DO promote the podcast, but DON'T mess with the Italians while doing it.
YARRRRR!
Posted by: Harvey at
07:03 PM
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June 26, 2005
(cross-posted from IMAO)
As Frank mentioned recently, the venerable Alliance of Free Blogs recently had its honor besmirched by Blogcritics.org, which accused us of link-doping whoring.
Well, *I* say that if they're gonna throw smirch at you, you might as well rub it all over yourself and revel in the ecstasy of it.
But there arose a question of honor even MORE important. Sure, the Alliance of Free Blogs is an idiotically haphazard collection of people who merely want to rank higher on The Truth Laid Bear's Ecosystem, but how did we compare against the top link-whore in the blogosphere? The man who will link anyone, anytime, for any reason or no reason at all (except for ME, of course): Glenn Reynolds.
Well, it just so happens that that question was answered decisively not so very long ago. In fact, I even wrote a little song about it:
GLENN REYNOLDS WENT TO THE ALLIANCE
(with profuse and sincere apologies to the Charlie Daniels Band)
Glenn Reynolds went to The Alliance
He was lookin' for a blog to steal
He needed more links
'Cause Instapundit stinks
And he was willin' to make a deal
When he came upon this blogger
Giving links like a porn-spambot
Glenn Reynolds stepped
On a hobo's neck
And said, "Boy let me tell you what:
I guess you didn't know it
but I'm a filthy link-whore too
And if you care to take a dare I'll make a bet with you
Now you give gratuitous linkage, boy
But give Glenn Reynolds his due
I'll bet Instalanche gold
'gainst your blogroll
'Cause I link-whore better than you."
The boy said "My name's Harvey
And it might be a sin
But I'll take your bet
And you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best there's ever been."
Harvey you fire up MT and link to everyone.
Cause if you've got no traffic, then this blogging thing ain't fun.
And if you win you get free linkage just as good as gold
But if you lose, Glenn gets your whole blogroll.
Glenn opened up his laptop case
And he said I'll start this show
And fire flew from his fingertips
As he Googled to and fro
Then he found a post about Karl Rove,
- How he'd made the liberals hiss -
And a gang of right-wing blogs piled on
And Glenn linked them something like this
When Glenn Reynolds finished, Harvey said
"That's some good link-whorin' son.
But just sit down in that chair right there
And let me show you how it's done."
He linked with: sacrificing hobos
Kill those bums!
The devil's gonna make Glenn number one
Puppy in a blender, round it goes
Reynolds does your dog bite?
Not no mo'
[Instrumental]
Glenn Reynolds bowed his head
Because he knew that he'd been beat
He gave The Alliance an Instalanche
While Harvey hollered "SWEET!"
Harvey said, "Reynolds just come on back
If you ever wanna try again
I done told you once you link-whorin' bitch
I'm the best there's ever been."
He linked with: sacrificing hobos
Kill those bums!
The devil's gonna make Glenn number one
Puppy in a blender, round it goes
Reynolds does your dog bite?
Not no mo'
[Instrumental to end]
Posted by: Harvey at
02:11 PM
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June 17, 2005
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Recycled from last year's assignment, because this is one DAMN fine piece of work, and I don't think I could top it in the 2 hours left before the assignment deadline. I was really in the groove on this one.
Set in Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, it's got lots of foul language & gratuitous violence. You've been warned... more...
Posted by: Harvey at
08:20 PM
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May 20, 2005
(click to enlarge)
[Hat tip to the ever-delectable Pamela of Atlas Shrugs for finding the cartoon, which I've modified slightly for my own nefarious purposes]
Posted by: Harvey at
07:38 PM
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May 17, 2005
Frank says we need more lies about Evil Glenn.
I can't help much there. I'm too honest.
However, when I was talking with Evil Glenn the other day, I did discover something quite shocking. We were discussing some of our favorite retired comic strip writers...
Harv: Yeah, I miss Gary Larson, too. And I always really liked Bloom County. Some people said it was just a Doonesbury wanna-be, but I thought it was quite innovative.
Evil Glenn: I agree. I really liked Opus. I love penguins. In fact, I even have a small, penguin-related business on the side. Let me show you something on my computer.
Harv: Penguinperv.com?
Evil Glenn: One of my favorite web-cam sites.
Harv: Does that book say "Instapundit" on the cover?
Evil Glenn: Yup.
Harv: Why does that penguin have an odd little smile on his face?
Evil Glenn: Obviously he REALLY enjoys what he's looking at. And I guarantee you he's not reading it for the articles.
Harv: You published a book of penguin porn?
Evil Glenn: Yup. Nothing more erotic than a penguin. The stark black-and-white contrast, the beak, those tiny feathers... indeed.
Harv: You sick, vile, sub-human pervert!
Evil Glenn: Geez, Harv, relax. Puppy smoothie?
Harv: Get away from me!
Evil Glenn: Say... has anyone ever told you that you look like a hobo? [reaching slowly for whacking hammer]
Harv: AAAAAAHH! [flees in terror]
So the truth is out. Evil Glenn publishes penguin porn on the side. Just one more reason...
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
UPDATE (8/27/03): Over at Alliance HQ, I provide further evidence of Evil Glenn's penguin porn production.
[hat tip to ArmyWifeToddlerMom for the penguincam link]
Posted by: Harvey at
06:27 PM
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May 08, 2005
(A Filthy Lie)
(With apologies to Monty Python)
[a customer walks in the door]
Evil Glenn: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!
Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.
Owner: Matriarchal, sir?
Evil Glenn: Maternal.
Owner: Eh?
Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.
Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!
Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!
Owner: Come again?
Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.
Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!
Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Owner: Sorry?
Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin' bad, fo' shizzle!
Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?
Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.
Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.
Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.
Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?
Owner: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.
Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.
Owner: Ah! They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.
Evil Glenn: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?
Owner: Sorry, sir.
Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?
Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady's Slipper?
Owner: Sorry.
Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?
Owner: (pause) No.
Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Eustoma?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?
Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.
Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,... They're a bit smelly...
Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.
Owner: Well,.. They're *very* smelly, actually, sir.
Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!
Owner: I...think they're a bit smellier than you'll like them, sir.
Evil Glenn: I don't care how f***ing smelly they are. Hand them over with all speed.
Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Evil Glenn: What now?
Owner: The goat's eaten them.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.
Owner: She, sir.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Painter's Pallette?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Queen Anne's Lace?
Owner: No, sir.
Evil Glenn: You...do *have* some flowers, don't you?
Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a flower shop, sir. We've got--
Evil Glenn: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner: Fair enough.
Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.
Owner: Yes?
Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!
Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that's my name.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?
Owner: Uh, not as such.
Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Lady's Mantle,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?
Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.
Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?
Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Evil Glenn: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular flower in the world!
Owner: Not 'round here, sir.
Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower 'round hyah?
Owner: Marigolds, sir.
Evil Glenn: IS it.
Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Evil Glenn: Is it.
Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh...Marigolds, eh?
Owner: Right, sir.
Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Evil Glenn: It's not much of a flower shop, is it?
Owner: Finest in the district!
Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Evil Glenn: It's certainly uncontaminated by flowers....
Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Daisies, sir.
Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?
Owner: Could be....
Evil Glenn: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
Owner: Told you sir....
Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?
Owner: No.
Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner: Yessir?
Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Evil Glenn: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Evil Glenn: You haven't.
Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Evil Glenn: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Evil Glenn: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
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