(A FILTHY LIE)

Why does the Alliance have microphones & cameras all over Evil Glenn's dark castle? So that when stuff like this happens, you can read the transcript:

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

Evil Glenn [opening door]: Yes?

Jimmy: Good afternoon, Mr. Reynolds, I'm Jimmy Jackboot from the FCC and I have a warrant for your arrest.

Evil Glenn: Not again. Look, I already told you people, that penguin was over 18, and it was consensual, so if you'll excuse me...

Jimmy: Huh? What are you talking about?

Evil Glenn: You're NOT from the zoo?

Jimmy: No, I said I was from the FCC. We have reason to believe you've been sending out mass-mailings of unsolicited commercial e-mail. I need you to come with me and answer a few questions.

Evil Glenn: She WAS 18, you know.

Jimmy: I know, I saw the disclaimer on the videotape. But that's REALLY not why I'm here. It's about that spam you've been sending.

Evil Glenn [waves fingers in front of Jimmy's face]: This isn't the spammer you're looking for.

Jimmy: Mr. Reynolds, your Jedi mind-control tricks have no effect on government employees.

Evil Glenn: DAMN! I forgot about the "minimum IQ" threshhold. Geez, I might just as well try to influence a brick wall or a Massachusetts Senator.

Jimmy: By all means, Mr. Reynolds, please continue resisting. It's been a while since I had the pleasure of beating the crap out of a contrary American subject.

Evil Glenn: Citizen.

Jimmy: Right. Citizen. I forgot that Kerry hasn't been elected and declared himself Emperor yet. Just wait 'till February! [shakes fist menacingly] Meanwhile, come with me. You have some explaining to do to the FBI.

Evil Glenn: I thought you said you were from the FCC?

Jimmy: I... uh.... well... you know how it is... 3 letter acronym... all those confusing letters... um... you shut up & stop resisting!

Evil Glenn: Wait... I know YOU! You're Dan Rather! You're just trying to get back at me for helping to expose your forged memos!

Dan: Crap!... I mean... uh... I don't know what you're talking about! I'm Johnny Jackstraw from the FTC! You're under arrest! You WILL respect my au-thor-i-tie!

Evil Glenn: I'm not going anywhere with you! Get lost you cheap, snivelling, Democratic Party lickspittle!

Dan: Reporter.

Evil Glenn: Look, if you're not gone in 10 seconds, I'll have my pajama-clad blogger-minions chew you up like pirahnas eating a cow.

Dan: NO! NOT THE BLOGGERS! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! [runs back to CBS news van covered with anti-Bush bumper stickers and leaves 200-yard skid-marks accelerating out of the driveway]

Evil Glenn [going back inside to his computer]: Now... where was I?... ah, yes...

*************************

To: [All Bloggers in the Ecosystem]
Subject: U HAVE 2 C THIS!!!!!

Clik hear 4 the hotest pengwen-poking-Pr0n on the weBB!

*************************

Posted by: Harvey at 09:24 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 433 words, total size 3 kb.

(A FILTHY LIE)

Puppy blender asks
himself, Sipping schaunzer shake
Who to Instalanche?

*Crash!* go the servers
No one sees my broken site
Goddamed Instalanche.

Telling lies 'bout Glenn
Not personal, just business
Sitemeter goes up

Bill had Monica
Reynolds has a weakness, too.
Hot, nubile penguins

Puppies, Satan, punch
hobos, Robot dance, Mao-love
lies truth about Glenn

Lies about Reynolds
Not mean, just good-natured jests.
Hey... my puppy's gone...

Bloggers seek freedom
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA
EST! is our war cry

Posted by: Harvey at 08:43 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 100 words, total size 1 kb.

(A FILTHY LIE)

In Memphis town, at Castle Glenn, a scream bounced off the walls.
'Twas Evil Glenn a-hollering like a cat had clawed his balls.
Instason awoke to see his father looking pale
He bade him sit and talk to him and Glenn poured forth his tale.

"I had a dream," Glenn Reynolds said, his forehead damp with sweat.
"In my future, bad things lurk, though they've not happened yet."
"We must seek help," said Instason, "to clarify your fate."
We'll find a gypsy to tell your future, and hope we're not too late."

So after cups of puppy nog, they set out for the tent
Of Gypsy Rose the clairvoyant to learn what Glenn's dream meant.
She had them sit upon some chairs and went into a trance
And smacked them both upside their heads when they tried to Robot Dance.

"Tell me of your dream, now, Glenn," said Rosie to the man.
"Spare no detail, however small. I'll help you if I can.
"It's like this," Glenn Reynolds said, "I was in a darkened room,"
"All by myself, without my blog. It felt just like a tomb"

"You should be used to that by now," said Rosie with a smirk.
"Don't vampires sleep in caskets?" Said Glenn, "You f'ing jerk!"
"I love the evil, clammy, dark. I live in it each day."
"But not without my blog, I don't. Unh-uh. No how. No way."

"Blogging gives me power, Rose, above most mortal men"
"I crush small blogs like wiggling bugs, then drink a pup or ten."
"Or I might give an Instalanche, and make their servers smoke."
"10,000 hits per second! HA! You should see their bandwidth choke!"

"All right. I see. You're evil, then," said Rose, "you're really bad."
"Scum of the earth, depraved low life, a bounder and a cad."
"Excuse me," piped up Instason, "I hate to pick a nit"
"He'd rather be called "lawyer", it's much more accurate."

"Enough!" cried Glenn, "get on with this! I want to know my fate"
"Will my blog someday vanish? If so, when is the date?"
"'Tis 9-15" said Gypsy Rose, "a day you should fear well"
"just days from now your life becomes a blogless living hell!"

"How can this be?" screamed Glenn, alarmed, "Where will my traffic go?"
"Who can be more popular than ME? I'd really like to know."
"The Blogger Boobie Birthday Bash," said Rosie with a grin.
"Harvey's turning 38, the whole world will stop in."

"For boobies large and boobies small, and boobies in between."
"For boobies wet and boobies dry, the boobiest you've seen"
"For boobies bare and boobies hid, and cleavage that's the best"
"A boobilicious party that will celebrate the breast."

Said Glenn, "I must distract the 'sphere, prevent damn Harvey's fest."
"And I know just the ticket. I'll do what I do best."
"I'll lie my lawyer ass off so that everyone will link"
"to Instapundit so that all will know what to say and think."

"But how," said Instason to Glenn, "will you accomplish this?"
"Hell, even *I* will be at Harv's to wallow in boob bliss."
Glenn smacked his son across the face, just like he was Frank J.
"I have a plan." Glenn did proclaim, and said no more that day.

Next morning on Dan Rather's desk, 4 memos did appear.
Proclaiming Bush to be AWOL, and MY did Rather cheer!
On 60 Minutes Danny read, straight-faced, Glenn's half-assed lies.
His face looked smug, his lips dripped drool, and triumph filled his eyes.

"Bush lied! Bush lied!" Frothed newsman Dan, "I have the proof right here!"
But silly Dan forgot about the sting of the blogosphere.
Bloggers from around the world, like sharks, could smell the blood.
The forgeries in Rather's hands were chewed up like cow's cud.

"Hey look at this!" said Lizardoid, "It's MS f'ing Word!"
"Superscipt did not exist, you dumbass blowhard turd!"
"Wrong font!", "It's kerned!", "That date's all wrong!" - the accusations flew.
Dan's reputation - already scarred - was beaten black and blue.

For days on end the blogosphere poked holes in Rather's lies.
His protests of "Truth!" unnoticed, like cowflop thick with flies.
And far away in Memphis town, upon his throne of ice,
Glenn Reynolds watched the hits roll in, and said "Hot DAMN that's nice!"

He'd beaten me, it's sad but true, my boob show was drowned out.
But did I stay down? Disheartened? Sad? Did I whine, fuss, or pout?
Not on your life! Instead I got something special for the fest.
Some... er..."candid shots"... of Instawife...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Posted by: Harvey at 09:33 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 774 words, total size 5 kb.

(A FILTHY LIE)

For this week's Alliance assignment, I had to find out what Evil Glenn did during the Viet Nam War. By a happy coincidence, when I was guest posting at IMAO, I found a transcript of an interview that Glenn did with Frank J. that, for some reason, Frank left in draft mode.

Silly blogger, you have to hit "publish" if you want people to read your posts. Anyway, here it is in its entirety:

****************

Frank: Thanks for agreeing to do this interview, Glenn. This is a real honor. You've always been my blog hero and you're like a father to me.

Glenn: I'm sorry, I was too busy blogging to pay attention to a single word you said.

Frank: EXACTLY like my father. Anyway. I heard that you're considering running for President, and already have numerous brilliant campaign slogans. As you know, the most important issue facing the country today is what each candidate did during the Viet Nam war era. What were YOU doing during Viet Nam?

Glenn: Sorry, I didn't catch that. I was proofreading my last entry... I-N-D-E-E-D... Looks good... POST! You should try proofreading someday.

Frank: I've never heard of this "spoonfeeding" thing. Anyway, what did you do during Viet Nam?

Glenn: Ah yes, Viet Nam... As you know, I'm a big fan of Communism, but I'm a complete coward. Outside of the occasional bit of girly-style blogger punching, I don't engage in violence. So I spent most of the war quietly smuggling puppies to the North Vietnamese from Cambodia. I remember it like it was yesterday...

[wavy lines indicating flashback]

Glenn: Man, this sack of puppies is HEAVY. I wish I could get some help carrying it... I wonder if that little Navy Boat over there could give me a lift?

HEY YOU! Can I get a ride?

Kerry: Don't interrupt me, I'm serving in Viet Nam!

Glenn: Um... this is Cambodia.

Kerry: How dare you question my patriotism! Do you know who I am?

Glenn: Lurch?

Kerry: No!

Glenn: Gomer Pyle?

Kerry: Don't be silly. He's a fictional Marine. I'm non-fictional Sailor. How could you possibly get us confused? Besides, he served honorably.

Glenn: Jane Fonda?

Kerry: No, but you're getting warmer.

Glenn: The severed head from Re-Animator?

Kerry: Eventually, yes, but right now I'm John Kerry. I'm reporting for duty, serving in Viet Nam, and approving this message.

Glenn: Look Mr. Scary, I've come a long way with this bag of illegally smuggled puppies and I'm awfully tired. Could you give me a lift?

Kerry: I don't know. I'm kinda serving in Viet Nam right now...

Glenn: Cambodia.

Kerry: Why do you keep questioning my patriotism? Are you Khmer Rouge?

Glenn: No.

Kerry: You WILL be when I tell this story later. And I'll have to change that sack of puppies into gunfire, too.

Glenn: Come on, be a pal, it's Christmas.

Kerry: Are you sure? I thought it was January... I hope I can remember to keep that part of the story straight later on... Well, I suppose I can give you a lift, but it's gonna cost ya. Got any Purple Hearts?

Glenn: I've got a stawberry birthmark, will that do?

Kerry: Dang! All I need is one more Purple Heart and I can go back to the States and backstab my Band of Brothers by throwing my medals over a fence.

Glenn: Ribbons.

Kerry: Stop questioning my patriotism! Isn't it enough that I'm serving in Viet Nam?

Glenn: Cambodia

Kerry: WHAT! EVER! Now... What can you give me in exchange for a ride?

Glenn: Well... I've got this really spiffy hobo-filleting knife...

Kerry: Hmmm... maybe I could cut myself with it and get another Purple Heart. That's good for starters. What else do you have?

Glenn: Um... I've got this hat.

Kerry: Is it a LUCKY hat?

Glenn: I'm standing here talking to you, aren't I? So obviously not.

Kerry: It WILL be when I tell this story later. And you're a CIA operative on a secret mission, too. Try to remember that if anyone asks.

Glenn: Fine. It's YOUR delusion.

Kerry: What else have you got?

Glenn: Just this sack of puppies.

Kerry: Hmmm...I am kinda hungry... I've got this little hibachi here... Why don't you carve one up and well have puppy steaks before we head out.

[more wavy lines - end flashback]

Frank: *snooooorrrre*

Glenn: Frank?

Frank: *snrk* Huh? What?... uh... RIVETING tale of... um... stuff. So, uh... how did it end?

Glenn: Well, we pulled one of the puppies out of the bag - a poodle, I believe - and sliced it into thick, juicy slabs which we broiled on the hibachi.

Frank: So... you had... lunch... Gee, Glenn, that's just fascinating. Wow! Say! Look at the time. I really gotta run, now, I...

Glenn: Wait... I just remembered... Not broiled... those puppy steaks were seared... SEARED on John Kerry's hibachi!

Frank: Hanging up now. Tune in next week when I'll be blogging live from the Andrew Sullivan & Aquaman wedding in Boston. Until then:

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:43 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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