April 14, 2005
I don't have any children, yet it was for the future of children everywhere that I joined the Alliance. I just couldn't stand the thought of a world where the blogging despot, Glenn Reynolds ruled over everything.
Do you think I'm some sort of tinfoil-hat-wearing crackpot? Are you saying to yourself, "he's only one man. Sure, he's got a popular blog, but does that necessarily make him evil?" Then I ask you: Do you not understand the nature of power to create the insatiable craving for more control? Today Glenn might be only sitting atop the Ecosystem like Sauron's eye above the dark tower of Mordor, but realize, please, that this is not his final plan. He seeks power beyond cyberspace. His urge to conquest will not be sated until America herself is a bleak and desolate wasteland, where hobo bodies litter the streets like old newspapers, puppies tip at the brink of extinction from overblending, the Robot is the only dance allowed to be publicly performed, and the maddening strains of Copacabana fill the air from loudspeakers under every street lamp. This future I will not countenance. And so, I fight.
Having failed in my every attempt to stop Evil Glenn's mad quest for power in this when, I decided that the only reasonable course of action would be to travel to the past to stop Evil Glenn while he was but a lad, and his crimes against humanity still lay, preventably, in his future.
But where to obtain a time machine?
I asked the smartest man in the blogosphere, Stephen Den Beste of USS Clueless. Unfortunately, his fingers had become wedged in his keyboard during a tragic blogging accident, and he was physically unable to help me with the construction of the device.
Next I sought the help of Lynn of Reflections in d minor, the smartest woman in the blogosphere. No joy was to be found there, since she was still in the hospital recovering from a brutal attack by Pecks, the world's angriest bluebird.
Saddened, but not yet without hope, I appeared at the doorstep of Alliance member Physics Geek, reasoning that anyone who could brew the world's tastiest beer must surely have the wisdom to construct a time machine...
Geek: Come on in, Harv. What can I do for you?
Harv: Well, I have an insane-sounding project I need your help with, and since you're the smartest non-physically-incapacitated person I know, I was hoping you could help me.
Geek: No problem. Insanity is my specialty. Whaddya need? Perpetual motion machine? Faster-than-light spaceship? A viable democratic presidential candidate?
Harv: Time machine, actually.
Geek: Good. I was hoping you wouldn't ask for that last one. I was only kidding about it being possible. Come on down to the basement, I've got one there.
Harv: You have a working time machine?
Geek: Are you serious? Of COURSE I have one. I built it right after that time Mrs. Geek walked in on my while I was surfing for porn. Saved me a week of sleeping on the couch, it did. So, what do you need it for?
Harv [following Geek into the basement]: I'm going to go back in time and stop Glenn Reynolds from turning evil.
Geek: Oh... Maybe we should work on that viable democratic presidential candidate instead...
Harv: Don't worry, I have a plan. I just need you to get me to the right year.
Geek: Ok. But be careful. Messing around with events in the past can cause... unintended consequences.
Harv: Yeah, yeah. Butterfly effect, blah, blah, blah. Just get me where... er, when I need to go.
Geek: Ok. Here's the auto-return remote control device. Now, just step into the travel chamber...
There was a blinding flash of light, and a second later I found myself standing on the front lawn of the Reynolds homestead, where a young, and at this point merely naughty, Glenn frolicked on the grass with his puppy...
Naughty Glenn: All right Hobo, now go fetch the stick!... Good boy!... Hey! Stop licking me! Stop it! How'd you like it if I started licking you? [lick, lick]...Hmmm... That was tasty! And I feel somewhat energized... I wonder what would happen if I consumed the whole animal? He's too big to eat... Maybe if I stuffed him into mommy's blender I could drink him! Heh. Hmmm. Indeed.
Harv: NOOOOOO! Stop, young Glenn! You mustn't do that!
Naughty Glenn: Huh? Hey! Aren't you Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties?
Harv: What? No! I'm... uh, I mean yes, yes I am. And as a beloved and influential father-figure, I command you NOT to blend that puppy.
Naughty Glenn: Well, ok. I'll just play with him in a naively charming and child-like way instead. Thanks for the advice.
Harv: Yeah… uh... no problem… Well, that was easy.
I pressed the button and found myself back in Physics Geek's basement…
Harv [stepping out of time machine]: That was remarkably simple. I should've done that a LONG time ago. Wait… I did… Heh, time travel is really confusing. Anyway, thanks for your help, Geek.
Frank G.: Geek? My name's not Geek. It's Frank G. Why did you call me that, Frank H.?
Harv: Frank H.? No, my name is Harv. Why did you call me Frank H.? Look… It says right here on my driver's license… Frank H. Olson, and… HUH?... Why the HELL is my name Frank H.?
Frank G.: Du-UH! The same reason ALL men are named Frank plus an initial. Frank J., the fearsome, despotic overlord (may his name be praised) of the United States of Frank A., has decreed that all men be named as such.
Frank H.: This is insane! Let me borrow your computer.
Frank G.: Sure. Over here.
Quickly, I Googled (actually Frankoogled) up Frank J.'s home page. It had changed a little from the way I remembered it, as it was now titled "IFAO: Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated. Under my power. Unable to disobey on fear of death." As my jaw dropped and my eyes bulged, I read the first few entries with a growing mixture of disbelief and horror:
"I really hate capitalism. Fascism is much better. Mussolini rocked. Now I will dance the Macarena. HEYYYYY Macarena! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."
"I just murdered a circus clown. You should have heard him squeal like a pig as the knife went in. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."
"At 10pm tonight, I will go on TV before the entire nation, where you, my fearful and cowering subjects, will watch, mortified, as I drown a puppy. Bark bark, gurgle gurgle. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."
Frank H.: Holy Hatless Hannah's Hershey Bar! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Geek… I mean Frank G…. you've got to send me back in time again! I made a terrible mistake, messing in God's domain. I HAVE put things back the way they were!
Frank G.: No problem, the transference chamber's still warm. Just step on in.
Frank H.: Good. First, though, I really think I need a beer to calm my nerves…
Frank G.: Beer? What is this... "beer"... you speak of?
Frank H.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Quick! Push the button!
Frank G.: Don't you mean "quickly"?
Frank H.: WHAT?
Frank G.: Just because you're in a hurry doesn't mean you can't make time for proper grammar.
Frank H.: PUSH THE F****** BUTTON!
Frank G.: What's the magic word?
Frank H. [a hair's breadth from murder and enunciating between grinding incisors]: Please.
Frank G.: Much better! A polite and grammatically-correct society is a happy society. Rule #21095 of Frank J.'s Super Happy Lucky Fun Little Red Book Of How Not To Be Summarily Executed By The Secret Police. Bon Voyage, Frank H.!
Another blinding flash of light found me back on the front lawn of the Reynolds homestead just a few short minutes after I'd left the last time. Naughty (now actually NICE) Glenn was playing with his puppy, Hobo, in a naively charming and child-like way.
Nice Glenn: Gee, Hobo, you're the bestest puppy ever! I'm sorry I thought about blending you. From now on, I'm going to be the nicest boy in the world, and I promise never to mistreat you, or any other helpless animal ever again! I sure am grateful to Michael Gross for showing me the error of my ways, and… Hey! Look! There's Michael Gross again! Hi Mr. Gross! Wow! I sure want to thank you for…URK!
Harv [Grabbing both Glenn and Hobo by the throat and proceeding to the kitchen without missing a step]: Come with me since I want to live.
Cringing inwardly at what I had to do, hating myself for doing it, yet knowing it had to be done, I stuffed Hobo into Mrs. Reynolds's Model 690 Oster Blend-o-Matic Deluxe, and pressed "liquefy".
Traumatized Glenn: HOBO! NOOOOOOO! Please don't do this Mr. Gross!
Harv: I lied. I'm NOT Michael Gross. Now shut up, kid, I'm saving the world.
The foul deed completed, I grabbed the bloody pitcher of puppy goo, stomped on Glenn's left foot, and when he opened his mouth to holler in pain, I poured the sticky mess down his surprised gullet.
Confused Glenn: Ack! Argh! Oogaoogaooga! Wha… What's happening to me? I feel… energized. I feel… strong… and… and… HUNGRY FOR POWER! Heh. Hmmm. Indeed…
Harv: Better test this... Hey Glenn…
Evil Glenn: That's EVIL Glenn to you, peon.
Harv: What's your favorite drink?
Evil Glenn: Blended puppy
Harv: Who's your favorite world leader?
Evil Glenn: Mao
Harv: Who's your deity of choice?
Evil Glenn: Satan
Harv: Favorite dance?
Evil Glenn: Robot
Harv: How do you feel about penguins?
Evil Glenn: Horny
Harv: And if you could punch anybody in the world right now, who would you punch?
Evil Glenn: Why… nobody. I'd just like to hug a fuzzy bunny right now.
Harv: Oh? Then hug THIS!
And I punched him in the face as hard as I could.
Evil Glenn: OW GAWD! You BASTARD! You broke my f****** nose! I'll not rest until I pay you
back for your treachery!… Uh… who are you?
Harv: I'm Frank J. – Come and get me. MUAHAHAHAHA!
Leaving the bleeding, sniveling, puppy-gut-splattered, and now completely evil Glenn Reynolds to return to the life destiny intended for him, I pressed the button on the auto-return…
Geek: Gee, Harv, that didn't take long. You just left a couple minutes ago, and…
Harv [grabbing Geek by the shoulders and shaking him]: Quick! Who's the world's funniest blogger?
Geek: Why… YOU are, Harv.
Harv: DAMMIT! This is no time for ass-kissing! Just answer the question!
Geek [looking at the floor and shuffling his feet]: Frank J.
Harv: Good! Let me borrow your computer.
Geek: Sure. Over here.
Harv: www.imao.us… Ah! Here we are… "as funny as drowning puppies (actually, that is kind of funny; heh heh - bark bark, gurgle gurgle)."… NOOOOOO!
Geek: Harv. Dude. Relax. He's just kidding. See? Look up here… there's a new In My World, it's coffee-out-the-nose funny, and he even mentioned your name at the top of part 2.
Harv: Oh, ok. PHEW! For a minute there, I thought I was stuck in some hideous alternate reality that resulted from my meddling with the temporal currents and… what's this? "I think I'm done antagonizing Glenn Reynolds. I've exposed his terrible secret about his drinking habits to the world, and now it's time to bury the hatchet." NOOOOOOO! What has my meddling with forces beyond my understanding done? I've weakened the resolve of our fearless leader! I am a cursed man! My life is meaningless. All that I've fought for… in ruins… [breaking into sobs of despair]
Geek: Relax, Harv. Here, have a beer.
Harv: *sniff * Beer? Beer exists?
Geek [eyeing me warily and taking a cautious step backwards] Yyyeessss. Here. I just finished brewing this today. I call it God's Nectar Red Ale.
Harv: [sip] Hmmm… ya know, I think things are gonna be juuuuust fine.
Geek: So, how'd the Evil Glenn thing go? Did you stop him?
Harv: Well, Geekster, it's like this…
I told him the whole story, although I'm not sure how much he believed. The important thing is that he gave me a six-pack to take home with me.
I've learned the hard way that it is not mortal man's place to tamper with the greater forces of the universe. And that, while the world may not be the way we wish it were, it could always be a LOT worse. In an effort to take a short cut to defeating Evil Glenn, I wound up creating a universe where Frank J.'s resolve to do what's right is no longer the strong and eternal rock upon
which the Alliance was founded. But I am not afraid. Our cause is just. No matter what happens, the Alliance WILL prevail!
Besides, Geek still has that time machine. And I have an idea. Mheh.
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
EPILOGUE:
Friday, May 9th , 2003:
Frank J.: OW GAWD! You BASTARD! You broke my f****** nose! I'll not rest until I pay you back for your treachery!… Uh… who are you?
Harv: I'm Glenn Reynolds – Come and get me. MUAHAHAHAHA!
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