August 07, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below:
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's time to eat a peach in honor of Georgia, so let's get started...
Georgia became the 4th state on January 2nd, 1788, and its citizens commemorate this day each year by shooting British people with muskets.
Contrary to popular myth, not everyone who lives in Georgia is a redneck. There's plenty of toothless, moonshine-swilling hillbillies, too.
Coca-Cola was invented in Atlanta, Georgia in 1886. The original formula has changed since then, and the drink no longer contains actual cocaine or the blood of virgins.
"Georgia" is a Cherokee Indian word meaning, "Are those rednecks or hillbillies?"
Despite the way natives pronounce the state's name, "Jawjah" is NOT spelled with a W.
Unlike the word "dawg".
Since it almost never snows in Georgia, children there spend winters having cotton ball fights.
While having a cotton ball fight, it's considered cheating to stuff a peach pit in the cotton.
In Georgia, everything is made out of cotton. Except the peaches, which are made out of okra.
Atlanta, Georgia has the worst traffic of any city in the US, since every street in the city is named "Peachtree Road".
The last time it snowed in Georgia, the confused natives thought it was ash from the Yankees burning Atlanta again.
The state motto of Georgia is "Wisdom, Justice, Moderation.", which replaced the old motto of "Whiskey, Hookers, NASCAR."
In Georgia, every soft drink is referred to as "Coke". Except for Pepsi, which is referred to as "Damn Yankee Poison".
After Jimmy Carter left the presidency in 1981, he returned to his home town of Plains, Georgia and went on a bloody shooting rampage.
Wait... I meant to say "worked for Habitat for Humanity". Must've been a typo.
The only way to get to Florida from Georgia is by sea, since the Georgia-Florida border is guarded by landmines and alligators.
The Georgia Music Hall of Fame in Macon, Georgia celebrates the careers of all the talented musicians who were born in Georgia, and is currently empty.
They WERE going to put in a Ray Charles exhibit, but they figured there was no point, since he wouldn't see it anyway.
Saint Marys, Georgia is the second-oldest city in the US, and will soon be moving to Florida to retire.
If it can make it past the landmines and alligators, that is.
The state fish of Georgia is the largemouth bass, which shouldn't be confused with the much more common loudmouth drunk.
The name of Georgia's largest swamp, the Okefenokee, comes from a Shawnee Indian word meaning "I'd rather live in a swamp than eat okra".
Georgia was originally populated by settlers from England and drunk people from Alabama who couldn't find their way home.
The Governor's mansion in Georgia is the only quadruple-wide trailer in America.
Some people are offended by the fact that three Confederate leaders are carved into the side of Georgia's Stone Mountain. Other people figure it's ok, since the back ends of the horses point north.
Between 2001 and 2003, the state flag of Georgia was changed 3 times. The latest version consists of a white background with black lettering that says "YOUR DESIGN HERE: $50"
In Georgia, it's considered ungentlemanly to stare at a woman's breasts while talking to her. Unless she's REALLY hot.
In the year 2227, Dr. Leonard McCoy will be born in Atlanta, Georgia and will go on to become Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise. If you already knew this, then you're a pathetic nerd who will never kiss a girl.
The most common cause of death in Georgia is getting murdered in a fight over the proper way to pronounce the word "pecan".
Georgia is the state most likely to be invaded by Jane Fonda and have its peanut oil stolen to power her tour bus.
The official state prepared food of Georgia is grits, which consists of coarsely ground bits of corn and shouldn't be confused with hog slop, which is made from coarsely ground bits of corn.
Although Georgia is already America's #1 grower of peanuts, farmers there are already working on developing a "super-peanut" which will be twice as large and shoot laser beams out of it's eyes.
They hope to use it to stop Jane Fonda.
That wraps up the Georgia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be slipping into a grass skirt for out trip to Hawaii.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go murder someone who said "PEE-can"
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July 31, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we'll be enjoying a trip to sunny Florida, so let's get started...
Florida became the 27th state on March 3rd, 1845, an event which most of the state's residents recall fondly from their childhoods.
Or WOULD, if it weren't for the Alzheimer's.
The state flag of Florida was eaten by an alligator, so I have no idea what it looks like.
The knee is Florida's official state arthritic joint.
The largest private employer in Florida is Disney World. The second largest is the company that makes "this ride closed for repairs" signs.
After the Presidential election disaster in 2000, Florida passed a law making it illegal to vote without first removing your souvenier Mickey Mouse gloves.
The most common cause of death in Florida is being run over by old women who mistakenly voted for Pat Buchanan.
The second most common is getting run over by '57 Chevys that wash up on Miami Beach from Cuba.
The state bird of Florida is the Pink Flamingo, a feisty animal which is actually capable of killing a fully grown alligator, thanks to Floridas new concealed carry law.
Although most Floridians don't speak with a strong southern accent, they DO tend to pronounce the word "hurricane" as "Oh, SH**!"
Janet Reno was born in Miami, Florida, and only returned to the state because her magic mirror told her that Elian Gonzales was fairer than she.
Twice yearly, Florida is victimized by uncontrollable destructive forces which lay waste to the state. These times are known as "hurricane season" and "spring break".
The state reptile of Florida is the alligator, which subsists on a diet of fish, birds, and Japanese tourists.
The state song of Florida is "Grandpa, Don't Wear That Speedo to the Beach".
If a hurricane strikes while you're in Florida, just hand over your wallet and no one will get hurt.
Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon discovered Florida in 1513 while searching for the legendary Fountain of Orange Juice.
Despite the fact that the temperature never gets below freezing, Florida has a professional ice hockey team, which... nah, no one's gonna believe that one.
People from Florida are easy to spot on the road. They're the ones driving around with sheets of plywood nailed over their car windows.
If you move to Florida, buy a house with a colorful roof so that you can easily find it after it gets blown down the street by a hurricane.
When visiting Seaworld in Orlando, be sure to stop by the restaurant for the "slow learner sandwich" special.
Native Floridians never wear sunglasses because they have a special, inner third eyelid to keep out the sun's harmful rays.
Florida's Disney World is technically in a state of war with California's Disneyland, and the two theme parks exchange nuclear strikes several times a year.
The University of Florida's football team is named the Gators in honor of the millions of alligators milked each year to make Gatorade.
Neil Smith of Montverde, Florida, invented the riding lawn mower in 1933, adding to the list of useful things that Floridians could have blown away during a hurricane.
The state tree of Florida is the Palm Tree - so named because that's the part of your body that will be scraped raw if you try to climb it.
While in Florida, NEVER try to climb any sort of nut tree.
The Everglades in Florida is 2100 square miles of smelly, oozing, mosquito-infested muck. Most Florida natives still refer to it by its original name the "The Cesspool National Park".
Passing the test for a driver's license in Florida requires that you be able to make a right turn from the left lane across 3 lanes of traffic. Or so I assume from what I saw last time I was there.
Despite rumors to the contrary, "Florida oysters" is NOT a euphemism for boiled alligator testicles.
However, eating Florida oysters WILL cause you to grow a special, inner third eyelid.
The state flower of Florida is the Orange Blossom, which is a small, white flower with an insatiable hunger for human flesh.
The refrigerator was invented in Florida in 1921. This represented a great technological leap forward, as now Floridians had a place to store their melted ice cream when the power went out.
That wraps up the Florida edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sneaking north across the border into America's peachiest state, Georgia.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go milk me some fresh Gatorade.
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July 24, 2005
was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your pumpkin catapult, because we're taking a trip to Delaware, so let's get started...
Delaware is a small state located in the Northeastern US in the New England region. Which is much like Old England, expect with fewer spam-loving Vikings.
At it's widest point, Delaware is 35 miles across, which means - in THEORY - that the state *could* contain Michael Moore's ass.
The world's largest frying pan was built in Delmarva, Delaware in 1950. It's 10 feet across, holds 800 chicken quarters, and is the only reason Michael Moore might try to squeeze his ass into Delaware.
Delaware was the first state to ratify the US constitution in 1787. This is why people from Delaware are always wearing big foam fingers and shouting "we're #1!"
Can't blame 'em, I guess, it's not like they have any sports teams to get excited about. Although the ones who don't read so well sometimes make a fuss over "their" basketball team the "Dover" Nuggets
Delaware shares a semi-circular border with Pennsylvania, which marks the perimeter of the area guarded by the official state pit bull that's chained up in Wilmington.
The official state bug of Delaware is the ladybug, an insect easily identified by its red back, black spots and 6 tiny foam fingers.
Delaware is the only state in the US without any national parks. They were all eliminated as part of the plea bargain after Smokey the Bear was indicted in Delaware on arson charges.
Delaware is the second smallest state in the US. It actually WAS the smallest at one time, but then they gave the state Pit Bull another 10 feet of chain.
Although the log cabin was invented in Delaware in 1645, only one log cabin remains intact today, the rest having been eaten by ladybugs.
The state bird of Delaware is The Blue Hen chicken which is known for it fighting ability. During the Revolutionary war, a single Blue Hen once defeated an entire platoon of French soldiers.
Unfortunately, the French were fighting on America's side at the time, and it would've cost us the war if they hadn't been rescued at the last second by a brigade of lady bugs.
The first settlers arrived in Delaware 11 years after the arrival of the Mayflower, because the men in charge wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
The official state song of Delaware is "Our Delaware", recorded by Chuck Berry in 1972.
Wait... I'm thinking of "My Ding-a-Ling". Nevermind.
The highest point in Delaware is a mere 442 feet above sea level. Despite the lack of mountains, Delaware DOES actually have a ski resort, located 5 miles north of Munchkin City.
The first permanent colony on Delaware soil was New Sweden, which quickly died out because none of the other colonists could understand a damn word they said.
I mean, how were THEY supposed to know that "Vhee zee cuoorfe-a hooffa heemun!" meant "Help us! We're starving!"?
A common sight on Delaware beaches are horseshoe crabs and shuffleboard lobsters.
Delaware's official state colors are "Colonial blue" and "buff", which is just completely gay.
The Delaware Indians were the most advanced and civilized of all the tribes in America until the White Man came, gave them smallpox, and stole their oil.
Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, was born in Wilmington, Delaware. He developed his famous live-saving technique quite accidentally, while researching ways to sneak up behind people and punch them in stomach.
Poodle Beach in Delaware was voted America's Gayest Beach for 10 consecutive years. It's annual Drag Queen volleyball competition attracts thousands of... Hey! Is that Tom Cruise?
Sussex County, Delaware is home to the annual Punkin' Chunkin' contest, where people use homemade catapults to throw pumpkins as far as they can. Prizes are awarded for distance, accuracy, and the pumpkin that most resembles Ted Kennedy's fat head.
Many residents of Delaware enjoy eating "scrapple", a dish made from cornmeal mixed with pigs' hearts, livers, snouts, tails, and other parts too disgusting to be eaten on their own. If you're given the choice between eating scrapple fried or baked, choose suicide.
Delaware does NOT charge a sales tax on consumer purchases. It DOES, however, tax the earnings of prostitutes, since that's technically considered a "rental".
The test for a driver's license in Delaware is to turn your car around without any part of it leaving the state.
No one in Delaware has a driver's license.
During World War II, 12 concrete towers were built along the Delaware coastline so that observers could watch for the approach of German submarines. 1000 yards away. Underwater. In the dark.
Why yes, it WAS a union job. How did you know?
That wraps up the Delaware edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading due south to have a look at Florida.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw myself off a cliff so that I don't have to eat this plate of scrapple.
[submitted to the Outside the Beltway Traffic Jam]
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July 17, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's off to the East Coast for a look at Connecticut, so let's get started...
Connecticut is a small state in the northeastern US and is best known for being the place that beer cans land after New Yorkers throw them out of their car windows.
The highest point in Connecticut is Mt. Frissel, at 2380 feet, which is where Connecticut residents got to throw the empty beer cans back into New York.
Connecticut has only 2 interstate highways, neither of which gets you out of the state fast enough.
Connecticut is an Algonquin Indian word meaning "yuppie scum".
Although Connecticut borders Massachusetts, no Kennedys live there because Connecticut liquor stores all close at 8pm.
Many areas of Connecticut are plagued by foraging herds of white tail deer that destroy crops and gardens. The only way for residents to keep the deer at bay is pay "protection money" to Don Bambi, head of the deer mafia.
The New England Patriots football team almost moved to Hartford, Connecticut, but declined to do so because the deal included renaming the team to the Hartford Homos.
The pink & gold uniforms WERE tempting, though.
The official insect of Connecticut is the Praying Mantis - an obvious violation of the separation of church and state.
Connecticut is populated mainly by people who couldn't decide whether they wanted to live further away from Boston or New York City.
Connecticut is called the "nutmeg" state" because the early Connecticut colonists would sell fake nutmegs to unsuspecting tourists. This is somewhat analogous to referring to the Kennedys as the "designated driver family".
The state motto of Connecticut is "As close to New York as New Jersey is, but with less toxic waste."
In terms of distance, Connecticut is the closest state in the US to France, which is why most people in Connecticut face east when they spit.
George W. Bush was born in New Haven, Connecticut on July 6, 1946, but moved to Texas as a teenager to pursue his dream of stealing oil.
Although Connecticut ranks 48th among the states in terms of size, it ranks a close second behind Massachusetts in terms of "snooty, upper-class arrogance".
Connecticut become the 5th state on January 9th, 1788. It would've joined sooner, but everyone was out skiing in Vermont.
Despite the state's small size, it DOES have a state college - the University of Connecticut or UCONN - which should NOT be confused with the popular rat poison.
The state flag of Connecticut consists of a blue background, a white shield, 3 grapevines, and the motto, "He who transplanted sustains us". Officially, the motto refers to early colonists coming in from Boston, but that doesn't explain the large number of tourists who wake up in a tub of ice, missing a kidney.
The official state song of Connecticut is Yankee Doodle, which was originally written in 1750 to honor the official state pasta.
Being a small state, Connecticut has only one radio station, which plays nothing but different versions of Yankee Doodle 24 hours a day. The most popular being Snoop Dogg's "Yo Yo Yizzle Dizzle".
The world's first nuclear submarine, the USS Nautilus, was built in Groton, Connecticut in 1954, after which it turned on its creators and went on a fearsome, building-destroying rampage through the city.
The practice of branding farm animals began in Connecticut, where farmers were required by law to mark their pigs, which is why Michael Moore will never visit the state.
The Hartford Courant, established in 1764, is America's oldest newspaper. A glance through some of the earliest editions shows that, even back then, Doonesbury wasn't funny.
Seriously, when is Trudeau gonna stop recycling that "Thomas Paine eats catfood" line?
The Polaroid camera was invented in Connecticut in 1934.
Blackmailing people with compromising photographs was invented about 60 seconds later.
The first English settlers arrived in Hartford in 1636 and were tricked into staying in the area by settlers from Boston who promised them that the Patriots would move there "any day now".
That wraps up the Connecticut edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sticking around the New England area and taking a look at Delaware.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go step on a Praying Mantis to protect my freedom from religion.
[submitted to the Outsided the Beltway Traffic Jam]
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July 10, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your hiking boots because we're headed to the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, so let's get started...
Colorado is a large state in the West-central US that has spent the last century battling Wyoming for the coveted title of "Most Rectangular State".
Although people from Colorado have no distinctive accent, they can still be easily recognized by the fact that, when they say "Coors", they don't grimace.
The state of Colorado has an average elevation of 7000 feet above sea level, which, technically, makes its citizens space aliens.
The most common cause of death in Colorado is being struck by low-flying satellites.
Due to its high altitude, water in Colorado boils at a much lower temperature than at sea level, which is why joggers there frequently evaporate into clouds of steam.
Despite the impression given by a certain animated TV show, South Park, Colorado is NOT actually a real city. If you don't believe me, you can [CENSORED] my [CENSORED] you [CENSORED].
Skiing in Aspen, Colorado is both a popular tourist attraction and an effective way to kill a Kennedy without wasting a perfectly good bullet.
Colorado hopes to use the sport of Whitewater Rafting to take out a Baldwin sometime in 2006.
The state motto of Colorado is "Wanna buy a slightly used life-jacket for cheap?"
The cheeseburger was invented in Denver in 1935, which is why Michael Moore bows down in the direction of the city five times a day.
Annoyed by the millions of misdirected Valentines that arrive at their post office every year, the citizens of Loveland, Colorado will soon be holding a referendum to change the city's name. Options include Bitterdivorceland, PMSington, and Hillaryville.
Denver is home to the world's largest rodeo. While it's in progress, the city has nearly as many men dressed in leather chaps as San Francisco.
This does NOT make them gay, although they ARE flattered, and possibly a little curious.
There are over 200 parks in the city of Denver, which are filled with hiking trails, petting zoos, and angry tourists whose flights out of the city were cancelled due to sudden snowstorms.
Zebulon Pike, of Pike's Peak fame, was never actually on top of the object which bears his name, but he DID bring it to the nation's attention by mentioning it frequently. Not unlike John Kerry's relationship with his wife Teresa.
Colorado is the most dangerous state through which to fly and airplane, due to the risk of being hit by cattle that accidentally fall off moutainsides while grazing.
The city of Dove Creek, Colorado is the "Pinto Bean Capital of the World". Coincidentally, the nearby city of Cortez is the "Air Freshener Capital of the World".
Mesa Verde, Colorado is home to an abandoned Indian city made up of buildings carved directly into the cliffs. No one knows exactly what happened to the residents, although they may have been eaten by the Donner Party.
Colorado became the 38th state on August 1st, 1876, a fact celebrated by no one at the time, since everybody was still too hung over from celebrating America's Centennial.
Famous horror movie actor Lon Chaney was born in Colorado Springs. He moved to Hollywood in 1902 after a mob of angry villagers chased him out of the state.
Colorado's flag consists of a field of horizontal blue and white stripes, with a red letter C in the middle. The inside of the C is colored yellow as a warning to tourists that not all snow is edible.
Colorado's state dinosaur is the stegosaurus, which has been extinct since 1997, when the last one died from being hit by a Kennedy while skiing in Aspen.
The state insect of Colorado is the tick, which is highly prized by locals because telling a girl that you want to check her for ticks is a great excuse for getting her clothes off.
The Square Dance was named Colorado's state dance in 1992, narrowly beating out the Macarena and the Achy-Breaky.
That wraps up the Colorado edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be hitting the Eastern seaboard for a look at Connecticut.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bow down towards Denver... mmmm... cheeseburgers...
Remember, the short version of this (as well as a vast array of even better stuff) is still available at http://www.imaopodcast.com/
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June 29, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your surfboard because we're headed to the shores of sunny California, so let's get started...
California is a large state on the western coast of the US which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.
The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it's less cowardly and annoying.
California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means "City of Beating up Rodney King"
California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.
California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.
The state motto of California is "Eureka!", a Greek word meaning "Dude!"
More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.
The Hollywood Bowl is the world's largest outdoor amphitheater and will be hosting next week's IMAO podcast with the re-formed Monty Python as the opening act.
Buy your tickets now or we'll send the IMAO goon squad after you.
Californians can be easily identified by their deep, golden tans and fake green cards.
California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that's the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.
The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that's the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, "THIS SUCKS!"
The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.
MMMM... braaaaaaainsssss...
California recently legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.
Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns - however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.
You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.
San Francisco, has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.
Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spends his days sipping whiskey and pistol-whipping Mexicans.
Many people hope that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word "Calee-forn-ee-uh".
Luckily there's no such restriction for "nu-cu-lar".
California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render them unconscious.
Even though it's only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.
Arnold Schwarzeneggar won California's special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of "I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!"
California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get Frank J. drunk 340 million times... if Frank were the kind of froo-froo sissy-pants who actually drank wine, that is.
Fallbrook, California is known the Avacado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.
California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning it's independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.
California is famous for it's many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.
In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.
The first person to receive a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.
Pauley Shore is still waiting.
Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to "Bedtime for Bonzo".
That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading into the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch a Michael Moore Movie... THIS SUCKS!
[also submitted to Wizbang's Carnival of the Trackbacks]
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June 24, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision follows...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we take a closer look at the rustic charm of Alabama, so let's get started...
Arkansas is a medium-sized state in the south central US. It became the 25th state in 1836 in an effort to make Mississippians appear comparatively well-educated.
The 4 stars inside the white diamond on the Arkansas state flag represent the 4 important aspects of Arkansas life: babes, booze, betting and brawling.
The pine tree is the official state tree of Arkansas, although there is a growing movement in the state to nominate the oak tree, because it's not as hard to spell.
The state motto of Arkansas is "book learnin's fer sissies!".
Little Rock, Arkansas is the site of the Bill Clinton Presidential library. Just look for the building that's shaped like a damp cigar.
There's also a Hillary Clinton library, which is shaped like an unquenchable thirst for political power.
Arkansas has several state flowers, including Apple Blossoms, Violets, and Jennifer.
Arkansas was orginally owned by the French, but was sold to the US as part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Thomas Jefferson tried to return Arkansas as defective merchandise, but he forgot to keep the receipt, so we've been stuck with it ever since.
America's winningest college football coach, Paul "Bear" Bryant was born in Arkansas. His nickname came from his habit of storming up and down the sidelines with his head stuck in a jar of honey.
The city of Hot Springs, Arkansas is known for its many natural hot-water springs, which have an average temperature of 140 degrees. The area was known to the Sioux Indians as "Degataga" which means "OW! OW! OW!"
General Douglas McArthur was born in Little Rock, Arkansas, but soon left the state in search of more Japs upon whom to wreak bloody vengeance.
Arkansas re-instated the death penalty in 1991, but only for capital crimes such as murder and pronouncing the state's name as ar-KAN-sas.
Poet, actress, and singer Maya Angelou was not only born in Arkansas, she was also invited by Bill Clinton to read a poem at his 1993 inaugural. Amazingly, she was NOT sexually harrassed during the invitation.
Some small farms in the Ozark Mountain region of Arkansas still maintain pioneer traditions such as hand-milking cows, plowing their fields with mules, and only burning witches if they weigh the same as a duck.
The major exports of Arkansas are poultry, cattle and corrupt politicians.
Arkansas is a great place for a family vacation since children under 18 are required to wear ball gags. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we MFFMMRGRM
NOW we're there ya little brat!
Arkansas has embraced cutting-edge internet technology and is the first state in the US that allows citizens to bribe the Governor via PayPal.
Arkansas contains numerous scenic cliffs, making it the most convenient state in the US for disposing of embarrassing dead bodies.
Arkansas has a population of almost 3 million people, who, as a group, show less genetic variation than Mary Kate & Ashley.
Arkansas provides free health care for all its citizens through numerous clinics around the state which dispense band-aids and moonshine.
People from Arkansas are a warm and friendly folk who often greet perfect strangers and invite them into their homes before cooking and eating them.
If someone from Arkansas says "hi" to you, shoot him before you end up in his oven.
Wal-Mart started in Bentonville, Arkansas, but has since gone on to attack helpless cities across the United States. Sort of like Godzilla, except less radioactive.
If your town is attacked by a Wal-Mart, don't shoot it with bullets, because you'll only make it angry. Try getting help from King Kong or Target, instead.
Although Arkansas has produced such brilliant military minds as General Nathan Bedford Forrest, it has never produced anyone capable of defeating a Klingon in hand-to-hand combat.
That wraps up the Arkansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be surfing on over to the left coast to take a look at California.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go PayPal the Governor.
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Home to many "Flowering" couples since 1892June 17, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your sunscreen because we're headed out west to Arizona, so let's get started...
Arizona is a large state in the southwestern US. It was originally part of Mexico until after the Mexican-American war when it snuck across the border.
Many old people move to Arizona to retire, only to be sold as slaves to work in the state's many copper mines.
The original London Bridge was shipped stone-by-stone and reconstructed in Lake Havasu City, mostly to give retirees something to do between mining shifts.
The Arizona desert was the site of many nuclear tests in the 1950's. Which explains why Senator John McCain has no hair.
What happened to his spine is still a mystery.
The Grand Canyon is located in Arizona and was discovered by the Brady Bunch in 1971.
Raise your hand if you wish Bobby & Cindy would've STAYED lost.
Yeah, me too.
Arizona's state fossil is petrified wood, which has NOTHING to do with old men and Viagra.
Arizona has a reputation for incredibly hot weather, however, during the winter months, it gets cold enough that molten steel will actually freeze solid if left outside.
Arizona is a Hopi Indian word meaning "Help! I'm melting!"
Arizona was once struck by a giant meteor that left a crater over a mile in diameter. Geologic studies of the area indicate that God was actually aiming for Las Vegas.
There are 11 different species of rattlesnake in Arizona. Surprisingly, none of them taste like chicken.
Despite the presence of a large, modern football stadium in Glendale, Arizona, the state has no professional football team. The key word here being "professional".
The state gemstone of Arizona is turquoise, a semi-precious stone with a name so gay even General Motors wouldn't name a car after it.
One of the most attractive features of Arizona are its many towering stone mesas. While driving underneath them, be careful to watch for falling coyotes.
Heh. He'll NEVER catch that roadrunner.
The state plant of Arizona is the Saguro Cactus. It's numerous sharp spines are perfect for holding your unused rattlesnakes.
When you need them again, you can peel them right off. Just like velcro!
The state neckwear of Arizona is the cattle-rustler's noose.
The landlocked state of Arizona once had a battleship named after it, which makes about as much sense as a weight loss program named after Michael Moore.
The state bird of Arizona is the Cactus Wren, a small bird that will fit neatly between your unused rattlesnakes.
The majority of Arizona's land is set aside as reservations for Indians, none of whom can rain dance worth a damn.
The Hopi Indians of Arizona are best known for their multi-colored "Indian corn" as well as their annual "most colorful poo" contest.
The Grand Canyon's most famous waterfall, "Disaster Falls" was named after Howard Dean's presidential campaign.
Camels were once used to transport goods across Arizona, but were banned after it was discovered that their noxious emissions contributed to global warming.
Don't believe me? Just look at what they've done to the Middle East.
The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona's state flag represent the orginal 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.
Very few battles in the Civil War were actually fought in Arizona because it was just too damn hot to fight. Mostly they just flipped a coin to determine a winner.
Thank God the North had a good supply of two-headed coins.
Arizona became the 48th state on February 14th, 1912, thus freeing Mexicans from the burden of having to sneak all the way north into Utah.
That wraps up the Arizona edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading over to Clinton country to take a look at Arkansas.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go grab some of my unused rattlesnakes. [insert velcro sound effect]
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June 11, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we're taking the dog sled north to Alaska, so let's get started...
Alaska is the northernmost of the 50 states, and consists largely of a frigid, inhospitable wasteland, much like Bill Clinton's marriage.
Before the Eskimos settled in Alaska, it was populated by a race of midgets, but they were all clubbed to death by baby seals, and no record of their civilization remains.
90% of Alaska's oil is pumped to the lower 48 states via the Alaskan pipeline. The other 10% is pumped directly into Prince William Sound just to irritate Greenpeace.
There are no cars in Alaska because it's too cold for an internal combustion engine to work. If an Alaskan wants to travel, he must either use a dogsled, or carve a car-shaped, Flintstone-like vehicle out of ice.
The first non-Eskimo settlement in Alaska was established in 1784 on the Western coast of the state by Mexicans who had run out of borders to sneak across.
Alaskan Eskimos have over 200 different words for "cold", all of which start with "Damn!"
Like that line? I stole it from Right Wing Duck while he was sneaking across the border.
Alaska's original state motto was "Hey! What happened to my brass monkey?"
Most of the people who move to Alaska are criminals and con artists looking for a fresh set of unsuspecting victims - much like Congressmen, except with parkas.
The Alaskan state legislature is currently evenly split along party lines between moose and polar bears.
Alaska spends 6 months of every year in total darkness, making them ripe for a takeover by the Sith.
Alaska is so big that it could hold Texas, Montana and Nebraska and STILL have room left over for Arnold Schwarzeneggar's bicep.
It could even hold Michael Moore if you took out Texas.
During World War 2, the Japanese actually invaded Alaska, but all the Japanese soldiers were eaten by a giant radioactive lizard.
Alaska became the 49th state on January 3rd, 1959, although it was 2 more years before their star thawed out enough for it to be sewn onto the flag.
The fishing industry is Alaska's largest private employer. The second largest is importing mail order brides from Russia.
All the rivers in Alaska are permanently frozen over, making Alaska the only state in the US where it's safe to ride in a car driven by Ted Kennedy.
Every year, millions of salmon swim upstream into Alaska to return to their spawning grounds and flee the socialist oppression of Canada.
If I remember correctly, Alaska's state flower is the forget-me-not.
I'll let you think about that one for a minute.
The official State sport of Alaska is dog mushing, which shouldn't be confused with puppy blending - the official state sport of Tennessee.
The record high temperature in Alaska was set in 1951 in Fort Yukon at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. This was the only time in history when being a weatherman in Alaska was NOT the easiest job in the world.
Most Alaskan weathermen were fired that day because they didn't have a word to describe the temperature.
The current official state motto of Alaska is "North to the future". The unofficial state motto is "South to somewhere warm"
Contrary to popular myth there are no penguins in alaska. Try looking in Gotham city.
Alaska boasts the lowest population density of any state in America except for whichever state Al Gore is giving a speech in.
Alaska's name is based on the Eskimo word "Alakshak", which means "Damn!"
That wraps up the Alaska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading to the desert southwest to take a look at Arizona.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue a salmon from Canadian socialist oppression...
Hey ya filthy Canuck! Get your hands off that fish!
Posted by: Harvey at
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June 01, 2005
Now, I fully agree with his editorial choices, but I thought that you guys might enjoy the full version as I originally scripted it.
By the way, you should STILL download the podcast, since I appear in a couple other segments, AND it's full of some DAMN high quality funny that you're not going to see in print. Not to mention the fact that you get to hear SarahK of mountaineer musings sing like an angel.
Anyway, here's the full monty:
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we're headed down south to Alabama, so let's get started...
Alabama is a medium-sized state in the Southern US. It's very similar to its neighboring state, Florida, except it doesn't have as many old people or alligators.
The first Mardi Gras parade was held in Mobile, Alabama in 1711. It featured colorfully decorated, slow-moving cars driving down the streets amongst a crowd of stumbling, drunken pedestrians wearing funny costumes. This is the source of the Alabama state motto: Alabama - where every day is like Mardi Gras!
The state motto has since been changed to "Alabama - the sorta shaped like a beer gut state".
Workers from Alabama built the first rocket designed to put humans on the moon. It was launched from Florida so that wouldn't be attacked by angry villagers with torches and pitchforks who thought it was a tool of the devil.
The world's first Electric Trolley system was introduced in Montgomery Alabama in 1886. It was immediately destroyed by angry villagers.
Perhaps NOW you understand NASA's fear.
Alabama is the only state with all the major natural resources to make iron and steel. This explains why all the villagers had pitchforks.
To help fund education, Alabama instituted a America's first pitchfork tax in 1937.
The flag of Alabama is a big red X on a white field which symbolizes the states high illiteracy rate.
Maybe they need to raise the pitchfork tax.
Montgomery Alabama was the capital and birthplace of the Confederate States of America, which earned Montgomery the nickname "Birthplace of Bad Ideas".
The Confederate Flag was designed and first flown in Alabama in 1861 by the great-grandfather of Bo and Luke Duke.
Alabama became the 22nd state on December 14th, 1819. This posed a problem for celebrating the event, since most Alabama citizens couldn't count past 20, even with their shoes off, although certain of the more inbred sections of the state didn't seem to have as much of a problem with it.
Alabama is actually a Creek Indian word meaning "can't count past 20 even with his shoes off."
Alabama's state govenment is known for its love of high-spending pork projects, and it's state capitol building was once blown down by a hungry wolf.
Serves 'em right for building it out of sticks.
Baseball player Hank Aaron was born in Mobile in 1934. He started playing for the Mobile Mudhens in 1950, but his career there was cut short when he was arrested for "Batting While Black".
The state song of Alabama is "Alabama". I'd sing it for you but it has no words, since nothing rhymes with Alabama.
Well, except "gamma", but the Greek alphabet is outlawed in Alabama, so that doesn't really work.
The highest point in Alabama is Mount Cheaha at 2405 feet. The second highest point is in Trashy Acres Trailer Park at the top of Mary Lou Clanton's hair do.
The musical group Alabama has a fan club and museum in Fort Payne, Alabama, which was burned to the ground by angry villagers after the group used the word "gamma" in a song.
Governor George C. Wallace served four terms in office and spent two of them shooing colored people away from his drinking fountain.
In 1995, Alabama native Heather Whitestone was the first disabled woman chosen to serve as Miss America. I'm not sure exactly WHY she was classified as disabled, since the Johns Hopkins Medical Encyclopedia lists "being an Alabama native" as a "handicap" rather than a "disability".
Hitler's typewriter is on display at the Hall of History in Bessemer Alabama. It's unknown whether it still works, since no one in Alabama can correctly spell the sentence, "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."
The city of Mobile, Alabama is named for the Mauvilla Indian word meaning "Damn! Squaw have heap big hairdo!"
Alabama's official state mineral is automotive rust.
Alabama's state insect is the Monarch Butterfly, or - as natives refer to it - "that pretty little bug what's flappin' around over there."
Alabama's state bird is the pecan pie.
Long story. Something to do with a gallon of moonshine & Hitler's typewriter. I'm not really at liberty to discuss it, since it involves the word gamma.
In 1864, at the battle of Mobile Bay, Union Admiral David Farragut issued his famous command "Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!". Also uttered that day was the less famous Confederate reply - "Holy crap! They're coming right for us! RUN!"
Despite having only 50 miles of coastline, Alabama's beaches are a popular tourist destination. Be sure to visit during early March to witness the "Feed Yankee Tourists to the Sharks" Festival.
The town of Enterprise, Alabama houses the Boll Weevil Monument which celebrates the role this destructive insect played in encouraging farmers to grow crops other than cotton. But despite all their contributions, Alabama still doesn't allow Boll Weevils to either vote or ride in the front of the bus.
That wraps up the Alabama edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading up North to take a look at Alaska.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to working on the lyrics for Alabama's state song:
I live in Alabama, I really hate my mamma, I hit her with a hamma, and they threw me in the slamma.
Hmmm... not bad.
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