While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

This week, we'll be wondering how they squeeze a million square miles of tacky tourist shops into a thousand square miles of state as we visit Rhode Island. So let's get started...

Rhode Island became the 13th state on May 29, 1790. It was originally founded by refugees from Connecticut and Massachusetts who thought that having double consonants in a state's name looked snooty and pretentious.

The state flag of Rhode Island is two-sided. One side features a white background with thirteen gold stars encircling a gold anchor. The other side is pure white and was inspired by the French battle flag.

The state motto of Rhode Island is "Size Doesn't Matter".

Rhode Island license plates has black letters on a light blue background and the slogan "Clamtastic!"

Rhode Island is the smallest state in the US, measuring a mere 48 by 37 miles. Think of it as the old maid in America's popcorn bucket.

Rhode Island never ratified the 18th amendment (Prohibition). They were going to, but they ran out of gas. They had a flat tire. They didn't have enough money for cab fare. Their tuxes didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole their cars. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't their fault! I swear to God!

Jeremiah Johnson of Newport, Rhode Island, was the first person to receive a jail sentence for speeding in an automobile. His sentence was later reduced to picking up after all the horses that his reckless driving had scared the crap out of.

Polo was first played in the US in Newport, Rhode Island. For those not familiar with the game, it's sorta like hockey, except with more horses and - if you can imagine this - even fewer black people.

The Flying Horse Carousel in Watch Hill, Rhode Island, is the oldest in the US. Since it was built in 1876, it has been ridden more times than Madonna.

NOTE: The previous statement should be reviewed for accuracy on a day-by-day basis.

The first circus in the US started in 1774 in Newport, Rhode Island. The ceaseless bickering between the Fat Lady and the Dog Faced Boy is frequently cited by historians as the inspiration for America's two-party political system.

Newport, Rhode Island is home to the Tennis Hall of Fame, which honors such widely-known tennis stars as... um... you know... that one guy... what's-his-face. And I think there's a couple chicks in there, too.

Whatever. Does anybody ACTUALLY follow tennis?

Songwriter George M. Cohan was born in Providence, Rhode Island. His big hit "I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy", was translated for the British stage as "I'm An American Loony Poofter".

In 1953, St. Mary's church in Newport, Rhode Island was the site of the marriage between John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Bouvier. It was a fairy-tale wedding, right up until the point where an especially drunken Ted Kennedy mistook the confessional for a men's room stall.

Rhode Island is famous for making silverware and fine jewelry. I personally have no idea what these are, since I'm more of a plastic spork and rubber bracelet kinda guy.

The roof of Providence, Rhode Island's New England Pest Control building is home to the world's largest bug - a 58-foot-long blue termite. The second largest bug is any given Florida cockroach.

Yeah, I know they're technically "Palmetto Bugs", but that's not much consolation when one pours out of your box of Wheaties in the morning.

At the Point Judith corrosion test site, various materials sit exposed for years to determine the effects of sun and salt air. Tests show that the thing that falls apart most rapidly under adverse circumstances is a Republican Congress.

Rhode Island was the first state to strike a blow against England during the Revolutionary War. The English ship "Gaspee" was sunk in Narragansett Bay in 1772 after being hit by a cow that had been catapulted from a nearby castle.

Roger Williams, the founder of Rhode Island, wrote the original draft of the First Amendment, guaranteeing freedom of speech, the press, religion, and public assembly. Sadly omitted in the final draft was the guarantee of hot-chicks-only nude beaches.

Samuel Slater of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, invented the water-powered cotton mill in 1790. Southern plantation owners opposed the machine, fearing that it's high efficiency and productivity could spark a wave of low self-esteem amongst the slaves.

The first British troops sent to crush the Revolution landed in Newport, Rhode Island in 1773. They were themselves crushed by a giant wooden rabbit that had been catapulted from a nearby castle.

Atop the State House in Providence, Rhode Island, stands the statue of "The Independent Man". Standing above him and wielding a rolling pin is the statue of "The Nagging Wife".

The first girl born to American colonist parents is buried in Little Compton, Rhode Island. The first boy is also buried there, under a marker engraved with his last words, "Look! Friendly Indians!"

The White Horse Tavern in Newport, Rhode Island is the oldest operating tavern in the US. When it first opened in 1673, the labelling of the men's and women's restrooms as "Stallions" and "Mares" was still considered original and clever.

Portsmouth, Rhode Island, is home to the oldest schoolhouse in the US. Built in 1716, some of George Washington's original spitballs can still be seen stuck to the ceiling.

The Rhode Island Red Monument in Adamsville, Rhode Island, honors the famous poultry breed, and is the largest chicken-related monument in the world except for the Eiffel Tower.

Built in 1763, Newport, Rhode Island's Touro Synagogue is the oldest synagogue in the US and contains the oldest Torah in North America. And no, it's NOT because they're too cheap to buy a new one. Don't be anti-Semitic.

Pelham Street in Newport, Rhode Island was the first street in America to use gas-illuminated streetlights in place of the burning witches common to New England in that era.

Rhode Island has a population of just over one million people, all of whom know that a "coffee-cup salute" is a shout-out to local businesses by Channel 10's Frank Coletta, and NOT a euphemism for an unspeakably degrading sexual act.

Don't try asking anyone from Massachusetts about it, though.

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That wraps up the Rhode Island edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be frustratedly breaking golf clubs in Myrtle Beach as we visit South Carolina.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go visit the confessional before Ted Kennedy... EWWWWWWWW!... too late...

Posted by: Harvey at 08:35 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

This week, we'll be recklessly running Amish buggies off the road for fun as we visit Pennsylvania. So let's get started...

Pennsylvania became the 2nd state on December 12, 1787. They foolishly squandered their shot at being first by mistakenly assuming that Delaware would choose scissors instead of paper.

Pennsylvania license plates are white with blue lettering, and contain the helpful phrase "Not The Sylvania With The Vampires".

The state Motto of Pennsylvania is "Buy our Revolutionary-War-related souveniers or we'll question your patriotism".

Pennsylvania has a population of over 12 million people, all of whom can spell "Roethlisberger" without looking it up first.

Born in Cove Gap, Pennsylvania, James Buchanan was elected the 15th president of the US due the use of confusing butterfly ballots in Florida - the REAL cause of the Civil War.

Pennsylvania was the first state to have its own web site - www.two.n.one.l.gov

The first baseball stadium was built in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in 1909. It was financed by Old Man Johnson, who explained, "It's cheaper than replacing all the windows those gul-durned whipper-snappers keep breaking - now get offa my lawn!"

Hershey, Pennsylvania is the Chocolate Capital of the US - Ray Nagin's claims about New Orleans to the contrary notwithstanding.

The first automobile service station was opened in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in 1913. The first customer was finally served in 1915, after the invention of that cable-thingy that rings a bell when you run over it.

The first computer was built in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, in 1946. It was as big as a house, could not answer complex questions, and its responses were confusing gobbledygook which even experts had a hard time deciphering. Sorta like Michael Moore without the filthy ballcap.

York Barbell Co. was started in York, Pennsylvania, in 1932. Its Olympic bodybuilding coach founder, Bob Hoffman, inspired such burly legends as Charles Atlas and Arnold Schwarzenegger by kicking sand in their faces and stealing their girls back when they were still weak and helpless.

The first daily newspaper in the US was published in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, in 1784. It's first headline: "Redcoats Of Mass Destruction Never Existed - The Lies Behind Washington's Illegal War For Tea"

In Loganville, Pennsylvania, in 1885, Dr. George Holtzapple recorded the first successful medical use of oxygen to help a patient breathe. The new technique would never replace the more reliable mixture of opium smoke and powdered leeches still used in hospitals today.

The Rockville Bridge in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania was the longest stone arch bridge in the world until it was destroyed for the climatic fight scene during the filming of "Fellowship of the Ring II: The Balroginning".

Kennett Square, Pennsylvania is known as the Mushroom Capital of the World. The town produces more fungus per square foot than a truck stop shower stall.

The Declaration of Independence was singed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, in 1776. That's NOT a typo. Seems that after the signing, the Founding Fathers got 'faced and weren't too careful with the fireworks.

KDKA radio in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, produced the first commercial radio broadcast in 1920 which featured Jebediah and Ezekiel, the Wacky Amish Morning Guys.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, was home to the Liberty Bell for many years, but it was recently traded for the Security Bell by those who deserve neither.

Washington Crossing, Pennsylvania, holds an annual re-enactment of Washington's famous crossing of the Delaware River. At least until last year when they were sued by the ACLU, which claimed that the word "crossing" discriminated against non-Christians.

Benjamin Franklin created the first American zoo in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It was originally stocked with British POW's wearing animal costumes.

Attention Amnesty International - NOT TORTURE.

Actor Jimmy Stewart was born in Indiana, Pennsylvania. Every year, the city is decorated with an "It's A Wonderful Life" theme. A bit of IAWL trivia - in the original version, Stewart's character burns down the Bailey Building & Loan for the insurance money and escapes to the Bahamas.

The Williamsport team won the first Little League World Series, held in Williamsport, Pennsylvania in 1947. Experts agree that the Williamsport team could quite likely have beaten the 1947 Chicago Cubs. Or the Cubs in ANY year, for that matter.

The city of State College, Pennsylvania, was the first city to offer a high school driver's education course, replacing the older method of handing the kid the keys and a six pack and wishing him luck.

George Blaisdell founded the Zippo Manufacturing Co. in Bradford, Pennsylvania, in 1932. His lighters were featured prominently in the original version of "It's A Wonderful Life".

There is actually a town in Pennsylvania called Intercourse. However, moving there won't guarantee you a satisfying sex life. Moving to Climax, Pennsylvania, on the other hand...

In 1859, Edwin Drake drilled the world's first oil well in Titusville, Pennsylvania, thus making possible the women's lubricated wrestling industry.

Johann Behrent built the first American piano in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in 1775 after a friend bet him $200 that there was nothing more annoying than a hyperactive 3-year-old banging away on a harpsichord.

Philadelphia was the home of Betsy Ross, who made the first American flag, as well as doing the embroidery on George Washington's "If you can read this, the bitch fell off my horse" jacket.

Punxsutawney Phil, the most famous groundhog in the world, makes his home in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Although ostensibly unbiased, he has long been rumored to be a mere tool of Big Weather.

Comedian and actor Bill Cosby was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and was the last black man to sell a consumer product without using the word "yo".

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That wraps up the Pennsylvania edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be trying desperately to locate Quahog on a map as we visit Rhode Island.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy some Revolutionary-War-related souveniers.

NOW STOP QUESTIONING MY PATRIOTISM!

Posted by: Harvey at 07:13 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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While the IMAO podcast seems to be on haitus again, I'm still going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

This week, we'll be desperately pleading with grandpa not to change his will before his physician-assisted suicide appointment because we're headed to Oregon. So let's get started...

Oregon became the 33rd state on February 14th, 1859. Historians speculate that this date was chosen by then-president James Buchanan so that Mrs. Buchanan wouldn't notice that he neglected to get her a Valentine's Day present. Bloodstains on the family rolling pin provide evidence that his plan failed.

The capital of Oregon is Salem, which has nothing to do with witch-burning, despite claims to the contrary by members of the Oregon chapter of Recovered Newts Anonymous.

The state flower of Oregon is the Oregon grape, whose fruit is said to rival that of the greatest French vineyards, even though Oregonian wine lacks the cowardly and annoying bouquet of its French competitors.

Oregon license plates come in a variety of colorful designs, but all contain the phrase "Where Old Hippies Come To Die".

Oregon is nicknamed "The Beaver State". For you city-folk, a beaver is a smelly, hairy, bucktoothed animal with a wide, flat tail. Sorta like a feminist, except less prone to rabid frothing.

Oregon has more ghost towns than any other state. However, please note that moving to one of them will NOT increase your chances of scoring with Patrick Swayze.

Which could be either a bug or a feature, depending on which way you swing.

Oregon's Columbia River Gorge is considered by many to offer the world's best windsurfing. Of course, those "many" are mostly people who think it's funny to watch windsurfers crash into rocks.

Oregon's Crater Lake is the deepest lake in America. The bottom reaches all the way to Hell, and will become the source of the eternally leaky roof used to torture Bob Villa after he dies.

Like New Jersey, Oregon has no self-serve gas stations. The idea is to provide jobs for folks who aren't quite bright enough to master the phrase "fries with that?" and other people who vote Democrat.

The Coast Douglas Fir - at 329 feet - was the tallest tree in the state until it was cut down to make "Save the Spotted Owl" flyers for the Sierra Club.

Oregon's state nut is the Hazelnut. Oregon is the only state with an official state nut, since Michigan's Michael Moore is technically classified as a "lunatic".

The town of Boring, Oregon, was named for its founder, W.H. Boring, and NOT because the town's only TV station shows nothing but reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.

The world's largest sea-cave is located near Florence, Oregon, and is populated mostly by round-bellied sharks and shredded wetsuits.

Oregon's Heceta Head Lighthouse is the most photographed lighthouse in the nation, due in large part to its scenic quaintness. At least according to its 36-24-36 nudist lighthouse keeper.

Eugene, Oregon is rated the best cycling community in the US by "Cycling Magazine". It's also the nation's top consumer of "Lance Armstrong Brand Undetectable Injectable Testosterone".

There are nine lighthouses still standing along the Oregon coastline. Five are still in use, the other four were sold as advertising space for Viagra.

The Columbia Gorge Interpretive Center contains the world's largest collection of rosaries, although not quite enough to keep Ted Kennedy from going to Hell, where he'll share a house with Bob Villa.

The Seaside Aquarium was the first to successfully breed harbor seals in captivity. They credit their success to cheap wine and Barry White CD's.

Salem's capitol building is topped by a statue titled "Oregon Pioneer", which features a drunken French-Candadian fur-trader in the midst of hollering "Where do you guys keep the beaver around here?".

Oregon has the only state flag with different designs on each side. The back of the Oregon flag features a beaver, which would appear to answer the Oregon Pioneer's question.

The International Museum of Carousel Art in Hood River, Oregon contains the world's largest collection of carousel horses and is known to the locals as the "Wooden Glue Factory".

Every house in Bickelton, Oregon has a bluebird house built onto it. It's as though Hitchcock filmed "The Birds" in Stepford.

The origins of Oregon's name are shrouded in mystery, although the most popular theory is that it was derived from an incident during the Lewis & Clark expedition where they lost a canoe paddle on the Columbia river.

Which would also explain Oregon's other nickname - "the bad pun state".

Eugene, Oregon was the first city in the US to have one way streets, effectively halving the number of times motorists get harrassed by the same squeegee guy.

The state motto of Oregon is "Alis Volat Propiis" - Latin for "Canada's THAT way, ya draft-dodging hippie".

Oregon's state fish is the Chinook Salmon, which is on the verge of extinction, since it's not cute & fluffy enough for environmentalists to give a crap about.

Portland, Oregon, is home to the International Rose Test Garden, where researchers recently developed a Super Rose, beautiful enough to buy forgiveness for a 3 a.m. stumbling-drunk return from a strip club.

Tillamook is the site of Oregon's largest cheese factory and, coincidentally, Oregon's largest mouse-trap factory.

At 8000 feet deep, Hell's Canyon is the deepest river gorge in North America. A scale model of it can be seen by observing the trickle of sweat continuously running along the bottom of one of Michael Moore's belly-folds.

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That wraps up the Oregon edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be suckered into paying $100 for a "genuine" piece of Ben Franklin's kite as we visit Pennsylvania.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go out and buy me a Super Rose

Posted by: Harvey at 07:40 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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