The version on the IMAO podcast (#13) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below

This week, we're stopping in the heartland of America to visit Illinois, so let's get started...

Illinois became the 21st state on December 3rd, 1818, and - except for Arkansas - is the only state that carries the death penalty for pronouncing the S at the end of the state's name.

Politically, Illinois is like 2 states in one. The Chicago area - which is urban and heavily Democratic - and the rest of the state, which is rural and sane.

Chicago politicians are easily identifiable by their colorful "Bribe me!" lapel pins.

During the Civil War, Illinois was bitterly divided between those who wanted black people to vote and those who wanted to restrict the franchise to white people and the dead.

10% of Illinois' economy is based on the production of various corn products. The other 90% consists of official "Just wait 'till next year!" logo Cubs merchandise.

Although Illinois borders both Lake Michigan and the Mississippi River, most citizens get their water from large, camel-like humps on their backs.

Every year, millions of Illinoisans head north to the Wisconsin Dells to spend their money on water parks, souveniers, and speeding tickets.

Illinois is currently experiencing rapid population growth because an Illinoisan's only natural predator is the Wisconsin State Highway Patrol.

Few people shop at the malls in Illinois due to the twin hazards of high sales taxes and recklessly-driving Blues musicians.

The first skyscraper was built in Chicago in 1895. When completed, it was 9 stories tall and was immediately destroyed by God for using non-union labor.

At least according to the Teamsters who witnessed the event.

Thanks to Illinois' strict gun control laws, you may wander about freely after dark without having to worry about being mugged by a law-abiding citizen.

Due to the extremely harsh winters in Illinois, natives of the state grow thick coats of fur to protect them from the elements, and are frequently clubbed to death by Alaskan tourists.

People from Chicago like to brag about their "Chicago-style" pizza, but it's really just regular pizza sprinkled with bits of people who hired non-union labor.

Springfield is the capitol of Illinois. While there, be sure to visit Lincoln's Tomb and Moe's Tavern.

The state dance of Illinois is the Square Dance.

Except in certain parts of Chicago, where it's the "I NEED CRACK!" jitterbug.

Chicago was setting for George Romero's movie "Night of the Voting Dead".

The Sears Tower in Chicago is the tallest building in North America and contains enough office space to hold a year's supply of Twinkies for Michael Moore.

The state tree of Illinois is the White Oak, which is just plain racist.

The state snack of Illinois is popcorn. MORE racism!

The first McDonald's restaurant opened in Des Plaines, Illinois in 1940 after the McDonald brothers perfected their technique for making thin, round patties out of rat turds and sawdust.

Early in the church's history, the Mormons settled in Nauvoo, Illinois, but moved to Utah after the Iroquois Indians gave them smallpox and stole their land.

During the Civil War, Illinois was home to the notorious Rock Island prison camp, where it's estimated that over 100,000 Confederate prisoners were either starved to death or denied access to Korans.

13% of Illinois' population is foreign-born. Mostly Irishmen who ran out of money while travelling to Idaho's annual Spud-Fest.

People from Chicago must pass a literacy test before they are allowed to vote, which consists of correctly identifying the letter "D".

It was the original French settlers who chose the White-Tailed Deer as the Illinois state animal. They looked upon it as a kindred spirit, since it appeared to be raising a white flag while fleeing at the first sign of danger.

Chicago is home to the world's largest public library. Sadly, not enough of the books have pictures to make it of any use to the Irish.

The city of Bloomington, Illinois consists of 60% women and 40% men. Even Frank J. could get lucky there.

If he weren't... you know... already attached.

SarahK's gonna kill me now, isn't she?

In 1999 the city of Kankakee, Illinois was voted "America's Worst Place to Live". It improved to "America's Best Place to Live" after the city implemented its "free breast implant" program.

That wraps up the Illinois edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sneaking eastward across the border into Indiana.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat some popcorn because I'm a racist.

If you visit a state that borders Illinois, you may hear Illinois tourists referred to as "FIB's", which stands for Fine Illinois Brethren.

If you're FROM one of those border states, then you know I just lied to you.

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Fun Facts About Idaho: The Director's Cut

The version on the IMAO podcast (#12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below

This week, we're taking a spud-tastic trip to Idaho, so let's get started...

Idaho became the 43rd state on July 3rd, 1890, despite objections from Illinois, Indiana, and Iowa that there were already too many states beginning with the letter "I".

Gutzon Borglum, the sculptor of Mount Rushmore, was born in Bear Lake, Idaho. He did his famous work in South Dakota after ruining every mountain in Idaho trying to get Washington's nose just right.

Idaho has only one radio station, but since all the surrounding mountains ruin the reception, it has only a handful of listeners. Although this may also be because it carries Air America.

Idaho is America's largest lumber producer and the only state in the US with a National Forest consisting entirely of stumps.

The word "Idaho" comes from the Crow Indian word, "E-dah-how", meaning "Is there ANY month when it doesn't snow around here?"

The tourism motto of Idaho is "Cold and boring like Canada, except with more gun-crazed right-wing militias".

The state tree of Idaho is the stump.

Because of the long distances between cities in Idaho, most trucks carry an emergency Hyundai in the glove compartment.

If your Hyundai doesn't work and you become stranded in Idaho, it's traditional to wait three hours before resorting to cannibalism.

Idaho is home to numerous private militias, which, like their revolutionary forefathers, have orders to shoot anyone wearing a red coat.

Idaho state law requires all registered Democrats to wear a red coat to the polls on election day.

Hell's Canyon in Idaho is 7900 feet deep, which makes it both deeper than the Grand Canyon AND a great place to throw registered Democrats after election day.

Although normally a peaceful city, Boise, Idaho occasionally erupts with violent gunfights between rival gangs of skiers and snowboarders.

The state bird of Idaho is the Bluebird, a shameful choice which clearly discriminates against the colorblind.

Elk River, Idaho is home to the states largest tree. At nearly 200 feet tall, it's estimated that this single tree contains enough wood to build a chair capable of supporting Michael Moore.

In Idaho, it's illegal to give someone a box of candy weighing more than 50 pounds, which is why Rosie O'Donnell will never play the Boise Improv.

Well, that, and she'd end up in Hell's Canyon after election day.

Idaho is home to North America's largest sand dune. It's 470 feet tall, and is visited annually by over 1 million stray cats looking for a place to pee.

Appaloosa horses originated in Idaho and were first bred by the local Indians as a war animal. Today, this hearty breed is still highly prized for its thick armor plating.

The largest diamond ever found in the US was a 20-carat stone discovered in McCall, Idaho, which then changed its name to Bling City.

Being a large but sparsely populated state, land is incredibly cheap in Idaho. However, due to high transportation costs for lumber, you can't afford to build a house on your property unless you make it out of potatoes.

The first nuclear power plant in the US was built in Arco, Idaho in 1953, but was destroyed in 1955 by giant mutant sheep.

Arco is now known as the "Radioactive sweater capital of the world".

The firefighting ax was invented in Wallace, Idaho after giant mutant sheep drank the town's entire water supply.

Beaver Canyon, near the city of Spencer, Idaho, is rumored to be the site of a huge fortune in buried treasure. No one has found it yet because they're too busy giggling at the canyon's name to search for it.

In 1925, the entire city of American Falls, Idaho was moved to make way for the American Falls Dam. The dam itself was recently moved to make way for a Wal-Mart.

Thanks for the Kelo decision, Supreme Court!

Jackasses.

Television was invented in Rigby, Idaho, which may explain the city's frighteningly low scores on standardized tests.

In 1896, Butch Cassidy robbed the bank in Montpelier, Idaho, after being screwed out of his free tote bag when he opened a checking account there.

Idaho law forbids children from deliberately stepping on ants. The kids don't mind too much, however, since pistol-whipping them is still legal.

That wraps up the Idaho edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we're off to the Land of Lincoln for a look at Illinois.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pistol-whip some ants.

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The version on the IMAO podcast (#11) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below

This week, grab your lei because we're going to Hawaii, so let's get started...

Hawaii became the 50th state on August 21st 1959, and is the only state in the US made up entirely of islands.

At least until California's next earthquake.

The Native Hawaiian alphabet contains only 12 letters, making it less than half as difficult to pass a sobriety test there.

Hawaii has five cities with a population over 100,000, none of which I can pronounce without hurting myself.

Contrary to the popular stereotype, not all native Hawaiians wear grass skirts and do the hula dance. Just the men.

Well, the gay ones, anyway.

Hawaii is home to numerous species of beautifully colored butterflies. Unfortunately, they have a taste for human eyeballs, so you probably shouldn't look at them.

Hawaii has no bridges connecting its islands, but if it did, Ted Kennedy would still drive into the water.

Native Hawaiians all have dark skin, straight black hair, and brown eyes. Sorta like Mexicans, except without the "sneaking across the border" part.

Most Dole pineapples are grown in Hawaii, and should NOT be confused with former Senator Bob Dole, since most pineapples could beat Bill Clinton in a Presidential election.

Hawaiian pineapples also refrain from referring to themselves in the third person.

Despite the impression given by the TV show "Magnum, P.I.", most Hawaiians don't have the same moustache as Saddam Hussein.

However, I hear the John Bolton look is becoming quite trendy.

The Hawaiian Islands are actually a chain of active volcanoes. Except for Mount Kilauea, which is dormant and serves as the hidden lair of an evil genius bent on global domination.

The main mode of sea transportation in Hawaii is the outrigger canoe. On land, it's hopping around and yelling, "OW! This lava's burning my feet! OW! OW! OW!"

The word "Hawaii" comes from the native Hawaiian word "Owhyhee", which means "That drink's gonna cost ya 15 bucks, ya stupid tourist! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

While vacationing in Hawaii, someone may approach you on the beach and offer to take your picture. Don't fall for this scam. He's actually trying to steal your soul with his evil voodoo box. Run away screaming.

Although it never snows in Hawaii, "Sno-Cones" are a very popular treat. However, you'll probably want to avoid the so-called "lemon-flavored" yellow ones.

No, I *didn't* enjoy my Hawaiian vacation, but thanks for asking.

Much like Illinois, Hawaii has no professional football team worth mentioning.

While at the beach in Hawaii, never turn your back on the ocean, lest scurvy pirates take you unawares. YARRRRR!

Again - NOT a good vacation.

If you have an extended stay in Hawaii, remember that ALL goods must be imported to this tiny island state. In the event of a Longshoreman's strike, always booby trap your precious horde of toilet paper to discourage theft.

Although Native Hawaiians never wear shoes this is NOT an invitation to play "this little piggy" with them.

Hawaii Five-O was a fictional TV show, and is NOT an actual crime-fighting organization. If you're the victim of a crime while visiting Hawaii, you'll have to take matters into your own hands by shooting people at random until you've calmed down.

The temperature in Hawaii almost never falls below 60 degrees Fahrenheit. At 59 degrees, native Hawaiians freeze solid and will shatter at the slightest touch.

If you accidentally shatter a Hawaiian, blame another tourist and escape during the ensuing confusion.

The state sport of Hawaii is shark-feeding... oh... sorry... "surfing".

While relaxing at the beach in Hawaii, tip your waiter generously, or don't be surprised when you wake up from your little nap by the ocean with the word "DORK" written in sunscreen across your chest.

Yeah... REALLY bad vacation.

In Hawaii, bikinis and speedos are considered acceptable attire at even the most formal events. As long as you can remember that "eye-contact" involves actually lifting your head, you'll be fine.

Good luck on THAT one, ya perv.

That wraps up the Hawaii edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be enjoying the potato-rich countryside of Idaho.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find another tourist to blame this shattered Hawaiian on.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:52 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 790 words, total size 5 kb.

The version on the IMAO podcast (#10) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below:

This week, it's time to eat a peach in honor of Georgia, so let's get started...

Georgia became the 4th state on January 2nd, 1788, and its citizens commemorate this day each year by shooting British people with muskets.

Contrary to popular myth, not everyone who lives in Georgia is a redneck. There's plenty of toothless, moonshine-swilling hillbillies, too.

Coca-Cola was invented in Atlanta, Georgia in 1886. The original formula has changed since then, and the drink no longer contains actual cocaine or the blood of virgins.

"Georgia" is a Cherokee Indian word meaning, "Are those rednecks or hillbillies?"

Despite the way natives pronounce the state's name, "Jawjah" is NOT spelled with a W.

Unlike the word "dawg".

Since it almost never snows in Georgia, children there spend winters having cotton ball fights.

While having a cotton ball fight, it's considered cheating to stuff a peach pit in the cotton.

In Georgia, everything is made out of cotton. Except the peaches, which are made out of okra.

Atlanta, Georgia has the worst traffic of any city in the US, since every street in the city is named "Peachtree Road".

The last time it snowed in Georgia, the confused natives thought it was ash from the Yankees burning Atlanta again.

The state motto of Georgia is "Wisdom, Justice, Moderation.", which replaced the old motto of "Whiskey, Hookers, NASCAR."

In Georgia, every soft drink is referred to as "Coke". Except for Pepsi, which is referred to as "Damn Yankee Poison".

After Jimmy Carter left the presidency in 1981, he returned to his home town of Plains, Georgia and went on a bloody shooting rampage.

Wait... I meant to say "worked for Habitat for Humanity". Must've been a typo.

The only way to get to Florida from Georgia is by sea, since the Georgia-Florida border is guarded by landmines and alligators.

The Georgia Music Hall of Fame in Macon, Georgia celebrates the careers of all the talented musicians who were born in Georgia, and is currently empty.

They WERE going to put in a Ray Charles exhibit, but they figured there was no point, since he wouldn't see it anyway.

Saint Marys, Georgia is the second-oldest city in the US, and will soon be moving to Florida to retire.

If it can make it past the landmines and alligators, that is.

The state fish of Georgia is the largemouth bass, which shouldn't be confused with the much more common loudmouth drunk.

The name of Georgia's largest swamp, the Okefenokee, comes from a Shawnee Indian word meaning "I'd rather live in a swamp than eat okra".

Georgia was originally populated by settlers from England and drunk people from Alabama who couldn't find their way home.

The Governor's mansion in Georgia is the only quadruple-wide trailer in America.

Some people are offended by the fact that three Confederate leaders are carved into the side of Georgia's Stone Mountain. Other people figure it's ok, since the back ends of the horses point north.

Between 2001 and 2003, the state flag of Georgia was changed 3 times. The latest version consists of a white background with black lettering that says "YOUR DESIGN HERE: $50"

In Georgia, it's considered ungentlemanly to stare at a woman's breasts while talking to her. Unless she's REALLY hot.

In the year 2227, Dr. Leonard McCoy will be born in Atlanta, Georgia and will go on to become Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise. If you already knew this, then you're a pathetic nerd who will never kiss a girl.

The most common cause of death in Georgia is getting murdered in a fight over the proper way to pronounce the word "pecan".

Georgia is the state most likely to be invaded by Jane Fonda and have its peanut oil stolen to power her tour bus.

The official state prepared food of Georgia is grits, which consists of coarsely ground bits of corn and shouldn't be confused with hog slop, which is made from coarsely ground bits of corn.

Although Georgia is already America's #1 grower of peanuts, farmers there are already working on developing a "super-peanut" which will be twice as large and shoot laser beams out of it's eyes.

They hope to use it to stop Jane Fonda.

That wraps up the Georgia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be slipping into a grass skirt for out trip to Hawaii.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go murder someone who said "PEE-can"

Posted by: Harvey at 02:50 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 837 words, total size 5 kb.

1 Hey! I resemble those remarks!

Posted by: tbflowers at August 07, 2005 07:25 PM (F9als)

2 crazy rednecks

Posted by: Hillbilly at August 08, 2005 03:15 PM (ywZa8)

3 Me and you both Flowers LOL

Posted by: BloodSpite at August 09, 2005 12:43 PM (eKJVW)

4 Um, Coca-Cola was invented in Columbus. Dr. Pemberton (not to be confused with Dr Pepper or Mr Pibb), the inventor of the world's most perfect soft drink, did first popularlize Coke at Jacob's Pharmacy in Atlanta. Common misconception about Atlanta being the birthplace of Coca-Cola. Oh, it's also the birthplace of Royal Crown Cola (RC). Studies have yet to show the impact of drinking all carbonated sodas on the brains of Columbus residents. Other than pronouncing pecans as "pee-KAHNZ"

Posted by: basil at August 22, 2005 12:06 PM (4Ek1C)

5 join the dark side... join jimmy carter!

Posted by: someone at August 29, 2005 06:06 PM (g+ciw)

6 join the dark side... join jimmy carter! the sith lord!

Posted by: someone at August 29, 2005 06:06 PM (g+ciw)

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