November 21, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, lift your shirt and earn some shiny beads - we're headed to Louisiana. So... let's get started...
Louisiana became the 18th state on April 30th 1812, mostly to make President Madison's wife stop nagging him about "when are you going to get up off your butt and do something with all that land west of the Mississippi?"
Ya know, it wasn't Manifest Destiny that built this country, it was naggy wives.
The state bird of Louisiana is the brown pelican, whose enormous beak could, in theory, hold enough beer to get an Irishman drunk.
The state boat of Louisiana is Noah's Ark.
Louisiana is the source of most of America's seafood, and annnually produces more shrimp than a Wizard of Oz cast party.
The state motto of Louisiana is "Help! I can't swim!"
The state flower of Louisiana is the magnolia... although that may soon change to the water lily.
The highest point in Louisiana is Mt. Driskoll, at 535 feet, while the lowest point is [insert gurgling sound here].
Louisiana was named after the French King, Louis the 14th, and NOT after the French pronunciation of "lousy, ain't it?"
The official soil of Louisiana is silt.
Louisiana has the tallest state capitol building in the US. It's 450 feet tall, and is capable of holding nearly a week's supply of the Governor's bribe money.
The state song of Louisiana is Led Zeppelin's, "When the Levee Breaks".
The US acquired the Louisiana territory from France in 1803 in exchange for $15 million dollars in gold and a promise to stop referring to the French as "surrender monkeys".
HA! Stupid, gullible, surrender monkeys!
The state tree of Louisiana is whichever one Katrina didn't knock down. Probably an oak tree in Shreveport, or something.
Jazz Great Louis Armstrong was born in New Orleans, Louisiana. His famous song, "What a Wonderful World", describes his feelings about moving out of the state.
Rock & Roll legend Jerry Lee Lewis was born in Ferriday, Louisiana on September 29th, 1935. Although he DID at one point marry his 13-year-old cousin, he was NOT actually a degenerate pedophile - just Southern.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana hosted the Special Olympics in 1983, prompting accusations from Alabama that it was actually just a scheme to raise the state's standardized test scores.
Louisiana is famous for its many slow-moving rivers or "bayous". The word "bayou" is a Choctaw Indian word meaning "Frenchman's urinal".
The first governor of Louisiana chose the pelican as the state bird because it is such a devoted parent that it would tear at its own flesh to feed its young rather than let them starve. The governor was so impressed by this that he substituted "the rich" for "flesh", and thus was born the Louisiana tax system.
The state dog of Louisiana is the Water Spaniel.
St. Joseph Cemetary in Rayne, Louisiana is the only cemetary in the US where the graves have a north-south orientation. All other cemetaries are laid out in a pentagram pattern to facilitate raising the dead via unholy rituals.
The city of Kaplan, Louisiana is known as the Cajunest Place on Earth and is home to the famous Gumbo World theme park and resort.
The city of New Orleans was once a haven for pirates, which may explain why most of the post-Katrina looters had parrots & eye-patches.
The Old Town Hall Museum in Pineville, Louisiana is the only museum in the US devoted to municipal government. While there, don't miss the Graft & Corruption exhibit in the Huey P. Long Memorial Corruptitorium.
At the age of 13, all young males in Louisiana undergo a ceremonial rite of passage wherein they finally learn the horrifying truth - that Mardi Gras is NOT a national holiday.
They are NOT told, however, the horrifying truth that they are descended from the French, as this would completely destroy their fragile minds.
Whether you pronounce it "New Or-lins", "New Or-leenz", "New Or-le-ans", or even "Nawlins", SOMEONE in Louisiana will correct your pronunciation.
When they do, tell the annoying little SOB that he's descended from the French. THAT will shut him up.
Well, that wraps up the Louisiana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be getting mugged by gangs of feral lobsters in Maine.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go *ahem* "use the bayou".
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November 06, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's time to put the K in KFC, because we're headed out to Kentucky, so let's get started...
Kentucky became the 15th state on June 1, 1792, despite the fact that no one in the state can actually count that high.
The state sport of Kentucky is horse racing, mostly because you can't lose your license for "riding under the influence".
In Kentucky, spitting tobacco juice on someone is considered a friendly greeting, much like the "up yours!" of a New York cabbie.
Kentucky is one of America's leading coal-mining states. Coal miners are easily recognizable by their almost Frenchman-like layer of black filth.
The state flag of Kentucky consists of a blue background behind two pickups and a still.
While attending church services in Kentucky, remember that - traditionally - the collection plate is passed BEFORE the spittoon.
They get REALLY upset when you get that wrong.
The state reality TV show of Kentucky is the Jerry Springer show, or - as it's known locally - "Southern Survivor".
When visiting a Civil War battlefield in Kentucky, try not to laugh out loud if the guide mentions how "we purt' near won that battle".
The state flower of Kentucky is Goldenrod, which should not be confused with that crappy James Bond movie starring Pierce Brosnan.
The state motto of Kentucky is "United we stand, divided we fall, drunk we pass out."
This replaced the old motto of "4 million people, 15 last names".
There are no newspapers in Kentucky, as being literate is considered snooty.
Although Kentucky is bordered by seven different states, Kentuckians rarely shop across state lines, since most stores in other states have firm "no shoes, no teeth, no service" policies.
Kentucky's nickname is the Bluegrass state.
Yeah, we all know grass is GREEN, but if you try to tell THEM that, they'll think you're just being snooty.
Kentucky is the only state in the US where drivers routinely hit their brakes before running over banjo players.
The electric lightbulb was first demonstrated at the Southern Exposition in Louisville, Kentucky in 1883, but was dismissed by locals as just another passing fad, like horseless carriages and soap.
Kentucky's name comes from the Iroquois Indian word "Ken-tah-ten", which means, "wife... sister... what's the difference?"
The state song of Kentucky is the Hee Haw Theme.
Kentucky has a population of 4 million people, all of whom are nicknamed Bubba.
Except for the women, of course, who are nicknamed Bubba Mae.
Or Auntie Mom.
The state tree of Kentucky is whichever one the Governor drives into while drunk. This week it's the tulip poplar.
The Kentucky Derby is the oldest continuously-run horse race in America, and was the inspiration for such other races as the Kentucky Stetson and the Kentucky Yarmulke.
Heather French became the first Miss America from Kentucky in 1999. She beat out Miss Alabama by correctly answering the question, "What is a toothbrush used for?"
Colonel Harlan Sanders opened his first fried chicken restaurant in Corbin, Kentucky in 1952. It was hugely successful, unlike his earlier chain of Kentucky Fried Possum.
Both Abraham Lincoln and Confederate President Jefferson Davis were born in Kentucky. They attended the same school as John Wilkes Booth, who routinely beat them both up and stole their lunch money.
The song "Happy Birthday To You" was written by two sisters from Louisville, Kentucky in 1893, and was originally titled, "I'm Too Cheap to Buy You a Present".
The first enamel bathtub was made in Louisville, Kentucky in 1856 and was immediately destroyed by a mob of angry hillbillies.
The world's largest cave is in Kentucky's Mammoth Cave National Park. Its vast, dark, emptiness is frequently compared to a Hillary Clinton presidency.
Well, that wraps up the Kentucky edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be slogging through the bayous of Louisiana
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue my bathtub from angry hillbillies.
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