June 27, 2006
Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's time to grab your big blue ox and start lumberjacking your way through Bunyan country because we're going to Minnesota, so let's get started...
Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11th, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin's winters.
The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as "how a 7-year-old city girl would draw a picture titled 'Life on the Farm'".
Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "Mah-nee-soo-tah", meaning "No, really, they eat fish soaked in lye".
The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings Will... Aw, Nevermind"
The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.
Madison, Minnesota is known as "The Lutefisk Capital of the World". Avoid this city at all costs.
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick Van Dyke Show". The show - about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city - was originally titled "Life Without Dick", but that was changed for some reason.
The state motto of Minnesota is, "Where even a man who wears a feather boa can grow up to be Governor."
Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that an Eloi occasionally turns up missing.
Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.
The Hormel company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of spam a year, even though no one actually eats that crap.
The first water skis were invented in Lake City, Minnesota by Ralph Samuelson in 1922. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn't been invented yet.
St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named "Pig's Eye", after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant. Its "twin city", Minneapolis, was known as "Pig's Colon".
The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1999. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.
Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.
In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. In 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the Blue Ox.
Yeah, Minnesota has a LOT of problems with statue cannibalism.
Minnesota licensce plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on Independence Day - You Get Used To It."
Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor nougat - chocolate, spam, and lutefisk.
The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926, Minnesota's stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.
Tonka Trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents.
No airbags, no seatbelts... these things are DEATHTRAPS, I tell ya!
Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born in Walnut Creek, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam Diet" - which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite.
Much like the "Lutefisk Diet".
The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.
Contrary to popular myth, you can NOT buy a 1-ounce can of Coke in Minnesota.
Singer Judy Garland was born in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. All gay men are required by their religion to make a pilgrimmage there at least once in their lifetimes.
Hookers in Minnesota are easy to spot. They're the ones wearing crotchless parkas.
Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.
...That wraps up the Minnesota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be wearing my "s" & "i" keys down to nubs as I type about Mississippi.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a closer look at that chick's parka.
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June 19, 2006
Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's time to use your hand for a map, because we're headed off to Michigan, so let's get started...
Michigan became the 26th state on January 26th, 1837, and was originally a penal colony for disloyal Canadians who refused to say "eh?" at the end of every sentence.
If someone from Michigan flips you off, don't be offended. He's probably just trying to tell you to take I-75 to Mackinaw City.
Famous singer Madonna was born in Detriot, Michigan, which may explain why her bras looked like the hubcaps from a '57 Chevy.
Michingan's nickname is the "Wolverine State", even though there are no longer any wolverines in the state. The last Michigan wolverine died in 1872 when it was eaten by a badger while attempting to sneak across the border into Wisconsin.
Rogers City, Michigan boasts the world's largest limestone quarry, which is where Fred Flintstone used to work before he made it big in Hollywood.
Yes, I know Fred Flintstone lived in Bedrock, but he commuted.
Being surrounded by four of the five Great Lakes, Michigan has more bridges than any other state, most of which Ted Kennedy has driven off of at one time or another.
The Detroit Zoo does not keep its animals in cages, because they all know better than to wander the streets of Detroit after dark.
Industrialist Henry Ford was born in Dearborn, Michigan, and invented the assembly line to streamline the process of killing union agitators.
The world's largest crucifix is located in Indian River, Michigan. Requests from the National Endowment for the Arts to dip it in the world's largest jar of urine have so far been ignored.
The Ambassador Bridge connecting Michigan to Canada was built in 1953 and has since been heavily mined to prevent more talentless, hack actors like William Shatner from sneaking into our country.
No matter where you stand in Michigan, you're less than 100 miles from one of the Great Lakes. If you're in Detroit, you're also less than 100 feet from the scene of a violent crime.
Politician Thomas Dewey was born in Owosso, Michigan, and mentored Al Gore in how to lose a close election.
Most snowblowers sold in Michigan are manufactured in Detroit and come with 10-year/100,000 mile warranties.
They usually expire due to mileage.
The state flag of Michigan consists of a dark blue background over which is a lighter blue shield and the motto, "Cold like Wisconsin, but more recognizably hand-shaped".
The name Michigan comes from the Chippewa Indian word "Mishigawa", meaning "half my pocket change is Canadian, eh?"
Rock & Roll legend Ted Nugent was born in Detroit, Michigan, but left the state in 1982 after he ran out of animals to kill there.
Although the Western shore of Michigan has many large sand dunes, it has no camels as they were hunted to extinction by Ted Nugent in 1981.
James Vernor invented Ginger Ale in his Detroit pharmacy. It's one of the most popular drinks in the nation, except in Kansas, where it's regularly outsold by Mary Ann Ale.
Michigan is the only place in the world with a floating post office, which is frequently attacked by disgruntled former employees "going pirate".
Aviator Charles Lindbergh was born in Detroit Michigan. His solo flight across the Atlantic in 1927 was the first recorded instance of an American being glad to arrive in France.
Michigan has more than 11,000 lakes, all of which have - at one time or another - hidden Jimmy Hoffa.
In the 1950's & 60's, the prevalence of Detroit black singing groups created the style of music known as "Motown". Since the advent of rap, it's been called "Mofotown".
In 1929, The Michigan State Police established the world's first police radio system after inventing the chocolate glazed radio receiver.
The state reptile of Michigan is the Painted Turtle, or - as the natives refer to it - the Crunchy Speed Bump.
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That wraps up the Michigan edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll STILL be frighteningly vulnerable to Canadian moose attacks as we explore Minnesota.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go jam out to some funky Mofotown grooves.
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June 11, 2006
The version on the IMAO podcast (March 9th "Friends Don't Let Friends Shoot Friends in the Face") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below:
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's time to go drunk driving with the Kennedys in Massachusetts, so let's get started...
Massachusetts became the 6th state on February 6th 1788, thereby stripping Pennsylvania of its coveted "hardest state name to spell correctly" title.
The state flag of Massachusetts consists of a white field emblazoned with a fat senator waving a gin bottle while driving off a bridge.
The state motto of Massachusetts is "The Yankees Suck!"
The state flower of Massachusetts is the gin blossom, which makes Ted Kennedy's face a protected state wilderness area.
The highest point in Massachusetts is Mt. Greylock at 3500 feet. It was recently re-named "Mt. Whitelock" after it successfully defeated a Balrog.
Massachusetts was nicknamed the Bay State because its large native population of werewolves spend a lot of time howling at the moon.
The word Massachusetts is a Narraganset Indian word meaning "Tribal elders say ok. Squaw can marry squaw".
Massachusetts has a population of 6 million people, all of whom have a harder time pronouncing the letter "R" than a busload of Japanese tourists.
The state song of Massachusetts is "The Theme From Brokeback Mountain".
Actor Jack Albertson was born in Malden, Massachusetts, and was best known for playing Grandpa Joe in the original version of "Teddy and the Whiskey Factory".
Salem, Massachusetts was the site of the infamous witch trials of 1692, where over 50 women were burned at the stake for weighing the same as a duck.
The first subway system was built in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1897. The subway cars were originally propelled by lashing an Irishman to the front and dangling a potato in front of him.
The town of Franklin, Massachusetts was NOT named in honor of Benjamin Franklin, as most people think, but rather for the token black kid in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special.
The city of Rockport, Massachusetts contains a house that's built entirely out of old newspapers. Visitors are requested not to jump to any hasty conclusions regarding why the toilet is made out of the New York Times.
The birth control pill was invented in Worcester, Massachusetts, and proved to be even more effective at preventing conception than attending a Star Trek Convention dressed as a Klingon.
Boston, Massachusetts takes its name from an Irish word meaning "crime-ridden cesspool".
The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 after the sword Excalibur was pulled from Plymouth Rock by Arthur, King of the Pilgrims.
Why, yes, I *was* watching "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" while reseaching these fun facts.
All the Founding Fathers threw tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party on December 16th, 1773, except for John Hancock, who was busy writing his name in the snow in letters large enough for King George to read without his glasses.
Massachusetts was originally settled by the cast of the British TV show, "Survivor: Plymouth".
Massachusetts is currently engulfed in a brutal civil war between Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme over which is the "One True Donut".
The Massachusetts tourism slogan is, "Man, woman, goat - whatever - if you can fit it into a wedding dress, you can marry it here."
On this day in 1985, Ted Kennedy successfully drove over a brige without killing anyone.
Well, technically he ran over a homeless guy, but that doesn't really count.
Soldiers from Massachusetts are the most feared of all American fighting men, since - being true Patriots - they always defeat their enemies with a last-second field goal.
Well, that wraps up the Massachusetts edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be taking a swing through the land of new cars and breakfast cereals as I visit Michigan.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish getting this goat into a wedding dress.
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