The version on the IMAO podcast (#5) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...

This week, grab your surfboard because we're headed to the shores of sunny California, so let's get started...

California is a large state on the western coast of the US which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.

The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it's less cowardly and annoying.

California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means "City of Beating up Rodney King"

California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.

California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.

The state motto of California is "Eureka!", a Greek word meaning "Dude!"

More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.

The Hollywood Bowl is the world's largest outdoor amphitheater and will be hosting next week's IMAO podcast with the re-formed Monty Python as the opening act.

Buy your tickets now or we'll send the IMAO goon squad after you.

Californians can be easily identified by their deep, golden tans and fake green cards.

California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that's the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.

The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that's the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, "THIS SUCKS!"

The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.

MMMM... braaaaaaainsssss...

California recently legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.

Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns - however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.

You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.

San Francisco, has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.

Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spends his days sipping whiskey and pistol-whipping Mexicans.

Many people hope that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word "Calee-forn-ee-uh".

Luckily there's no such restriction for "nu-cu-lar".

California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render them unconscious.

Even though it's only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar won California's special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of "I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!"

California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get Frank J. drunk 340 million times... if Frank were the kind of froo-froo sissy-pants who actually drank wine, that is.

Fallbrook, California is known the Avacado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.

California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning it's independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.

California is famous for it's many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.

In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.

The first person to receive a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.

Pauley Shore is still waiting.

Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to "Bedtime for Bonzo".

That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading into the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch a Michael Moore Movie... THIS SUCKS!

[also submitted to Wizbang's Carnival of the Trackbacks]

Posted by: Harvey at 02:27 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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The version on the IMAO podcast (#4) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision follows...

This week, we take a closer look at the rustic charm of Alabama, so let's get started...

Arkansas is a medium-sized state in the south central US. It became the 25th state in 1836 in an effort to make Mississippians appear comparatively well-educated.

The 4 stars inside the white diamond on the Arkansas state flag represent the 4 important aspects of Arkansas life: babes, booze, betting and brawling.

The pine tree is the official state tree of Arkansas, although there is a growing movement in the state to nominate the oak tree, because it's not as hard to spell.

The state motto of Arkansas is "book learnin's fer sissies!".

Little Rock, Arkansas is the site of the Bill Clinton Presidential library. Just look for the building that's shaped like a damp cigar.

There's also a Hillary Clinton library, which is shaped like an unquenchable thirst for political power.

Arkansas has several state flowers, including Apple Blossoms, Violets, and Jennifer.

Arkansas was orginally owned by the French, but was sold to the US as part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Thomas Jefferson tried to return Arkansas as defective merchandise, but he forgot to keep the receipt, so we've been stuck with it ever since.

America's winningest college football coach, Paul "Bear" Bryant was born in Arkansas. His nickname came from his habit of storming up and down the sidelines with his head stuck in a jar of honey.

The city of Hot Springs, Arkansas is known for its many natural hot-water springs, which have an average temperature of 140 degrees. The area was known to the Sioux Indians as "Degataga" which means "OW! OW! OW!"

General Douglas McArthur was born in Little Rock, Arkansas, but soon left the state in search of more Japs upon whom to wreak bloody vengeance.

Arkansas re-instated the death penalty in 1991, but only for capital crimes such as murder and pronouncing the state's name as ar-KAN-sas.

Poet, actress, and singer Maya Angelou was not only born in Arkansas, she was also invited by Bill Clinton to read a poem at his 1993 inaugural. Amazingly, she was NOT sexually harrassed during the invitation.

Some small farms in the Ozark Mountain region of Arkansas still maintain pioneer traditions such as hand-milking cows, plowing their fields with mules, and only burning witches if they weigh the same as a duck.

The major exports of Arkansas are poultry, cattle and corrupt politicians.

Arkansas is a great place for a family vacation since children under 18 are required to wear ball gags. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we MFFMMRGRM
NOW we're there ya little brat!

Arkansas has embraced cutting-edge internet technology and is the first state in the US that allows citizens to bribe the Governor via PayPal.

Arkansas contains numerous scenic cliffs, making it the most convenient state in the US for disposing of embarrassing dead bodies.

Arkansas has a population of almost 3 million people, who, as a group, show less genetic variation than Mary Kate & Ashley.

Arkansas provides free health care for all its citizens through numerous clinics around the state which dispense band-aids and moonshine.

People from Arkansas are a warm and friendly folk who often greet perfect strangers and invite them into their homes before cooking and eating them.

If someone from Arkansas says "hi" to you, shoot him before you end up in his oven.

Wal-Mart started in Bentonville, Arkansas, but has since gone on to attack helpless cities across the United States. Sort of like Godzilla, except less radioactive.

If your town is attacked by a Wal-Mart, don't shoot it with bullets, because you'll only make it angry. Try getting help from King Kong or Target, instead.

Although Arkansas has produced such brilliant military minds as General Nathan Bedford Forrest, it has never produced anyone capable of defeating a Klingon in hand-to-hand combat.

That wraps up the Arkansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be surfing on over to the left coast to take a look at California.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go PayPal the Governor.

Posted by: Harvey at 12:35 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 LOL!!!!

Posted by: Susie at June 24, 2005 08:42 AM (PWYyH)

2 Did I ever tell you, Harvey, just where I live at? LOL Otherwise your dead on. Especially the Wal Mart part. Your forgot Eureka Springs Home to many "Flowering" couples since 1892

Posted by: BloodSpite at June 24, 2005 08:52 AM (ZTGJT)

3 Harv, your welcome here any time.....I will take you out for the most popular enterr in the state. Fried dill pickle slices. Yup they are as gross as they sound.

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at June 24, 2005 09:37 AM (CY45G)

4 I live in Arkansas, wear shoes, and dont cook people in my oven. You are a freak and should find a new job.

Posted by: at October 06, 2005 03:03 PM (b7vTZ)

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The version on the IMAO podcast (#3) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below...

This week, grab your sunscreen because we're headed out west to Arizona, so let's get started...

Arizona is a large state in the southwestern US. It was originally part of Mexico until after the Mexican-American war when it snuck across the border.

Many old people move to Arizona to retire, only to be sold as slaves to work in the state's many copper mines.

The original London Bridge was shipped stone-by-stone and reconstructed in Lake Havasu City, mostly to give retirees something to do between mining shifts.

The Arizona desert was the site of many nuclear tests in the 1950's. Which explains why Senator John McCain has no hair.

What happened to his spine is still a mystery.

The Grand Canyon is located in Arizona and was discovered by the Brady Bunch in 1971.

Raise your hand if you wish Bobby & Cindy would've STAYED lost.

Yeah, me too.

Arizona's state fossil is petrified wood, which has NOTHING to do with old men and Viagra.

Arizona has a reputation for incredibly hot weather, however, during the winter months, it gets cold enough that molten steel will actually freeze solid if left outside.

Arizona is a Hopi Indian word meaning "Help! I'm melting!"

Arizona was once struck by a giant meteor that left a crater over a mile in diameter. Geologic studies of the area indicate that God was actually aiming for Las Vegas.

There are 11 different species of rattlesnake in Arizona. Surprisingly, none of them taste like chicken.

Despite the presence of a large, modern football stadium in Glendale, Arizona, the state has no professional football team. The key word here being "professional".

The state gemstone of Arizona is turquoise, a semi-precious stone with a name so gay even General Motors wouldn't name a car after it.

One of the most attractive features of Arizona are its many towering stone mesas. While driving underneath them, be careful to watch for falling coyotes.

Heh. He'll NEVER catch that roadrunner.

The state plant of Arizona is the Saguro Cactus. It's numerous sharp spines are perfect for holding your unused rattlesnakes.

When you need them again, you can peel them right off. Just like velcro!

The state neckwear of Arizona is the cattle-rustler's noose.

The landlocked state of Arizona once had a battleship named after it, which makes about as much sense as a weight loss program named after Michael Moore.

The state bird of Arizona is the Cactus Wren, a small bird that will fit neatly between your unused rattlesnakes.

The majority of Arizona's land is set aside as reservations for Indians, none of whom can rain dance worth a damn.

The Hopi Indians of Arizona are best known for their multi-colored "Indian corn" as well as their annual "most colorful poo" contest.

The Grand Canyon's most famous waterfall, "Disaster Falls" was named after Howard Dean's presidential campaign.

Camels were once used to transport goods across Arizona, but were banned after it was discovered that their noxious emissions contributed to global warming.

Don't believe me? Just look at what they've done to the Middle East.

The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona's state flag represent the orginal 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.

Very few battles in the Civil War were actually fought in Arizona because it was just too damn hot to fight. Mostly they just flipped a coin to determine a winner.

Thank God the North had a good supply of two-headed coins.

Arizona became the 48th state on February 14th, 1912, thus freeing Mexicans from the burden of having to sneak all the way north into Utah.

That wraps up the Arizona edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading over to Clinton country to take a look at Arkansas.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go grab some of my unused rattlesnakes. [insert velcro sound effect]

Posted by: Harvey at 12:06 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The version on the IMAO podcast (#2) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below...

This week, we're taking the dog sled north to Alaska, so let's get started...

Alaska is the northernmost of the 50 states, and consists largely of a frigid, inhospitable wasteland, much like Bill Clinton's marriage.

Before the Eskimos settled in Alaska, it was populated by a race of midgets, but they were all clubbed to death by baby seals, and no record of their civilization remains.

90% of Alaska's oil is pumped to the lower 48 states via the Alaskan pipeline. The other 10% is pumped directly into Prince William Sound just to irritate Greenpeace.

There are no cars in Alaska because it's too cold for an internal combustion engine to work. If an Alaskan wants to travel, he must either use a dogsled, or carve a car-shaped, Flintstone-like vehicle out of ice.

The first non-Eskimo settlement in Alaska was established in 1784 on the Western coast of the state by Mexicans who had run out of borders to sneak across.

Alaskan Eskimos have over 200 different words for "cold", all of which start with "Damn!"

Like that line? I stole it from Right Wing Duck while he was sneaking across the border.

Alaska's original state motto was "Hey! What happened to my brass monkey?"

Most of the people who move to Alaska are criminals and con artists looking for a fresh set of unsuspecting victims - much like Congressmen, except with parkas.

The Alaskan state legislature is currently evenly split along party lines between moose and polar bears.

Alaska spends 6 months of every year in total darkness, making them ripe for a takeover by the Sith.

Alaska is so big that it could hold Texas, Montana and Nebraska and STILL have room left over for Arnold Schwarzeneggar's bicep.

It could even hold Michael Moore if you took out Texas.

During World War 2, the Japanese actually invaded Alaska, but all the Japanese soldiers were eaten by a giant radioactive lizard.

Alaska became the 49th state on January 3rd, 1959, although it was 2 more years before their star thawed out enough for it to be sewn onto the flag.

The fishing industry is Alaska's largest private employer. The second largest is importing mail order brides from Russia.

All the rivers in Alaska are permanently frozen over, making Alaska the only state in the US where it's safe to ride in a car driven by Ted Kennedy.

Every year, millions of salmon swim upstream into Alaska to return to their spawning grounds and flee the socialist oppression of Canada.

If I remember correctly, Alaska's state flower is the forget-me-not.

I'll let you think about that one for a minute.

The official State sport of Alaska is dog mushing, which shouldn't be confused with puppy blending - the official state sport of Tennessee.

The record high temperature in Alaska was set in 1951 in Fort Yukon at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. This was the only time in history when being a weatherman in Alaska was NOT the easiest job in the world.

Most Alaskan weathermen were fired that day because they didn't have a word to describe the temperature.

The current official state motto of Alaska is "North to the future". The unofficial state motto is "South to somewhere warm"

Contrary to popular myth there are no penguins in alaska. Try looking in Gotham city.

Alaska boasts the lowest population density of any state in America except for whichever state Al Gore is giving a speech in.

Alaska's name is based on the Eskimo word "Alakshak", which means "Damn!"

That wraps up the Alaska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading to the desert southwest to take a look at Arizona.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue a salmon from Canadian socialist oppression...

Hey ya filthy Canuck! Get your hands off that fish!

Posted by: Harvey at 12:15 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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One of the pieces I did for the IMAO podcast was Fun Facts About Alabama - part of my planned series of Fun Facts About the 50 States. For quality and time reasons, Scott (IMAO sound guru guy) had to take out a good chunk of material.

Now, I fully agree with his editorial choices, but I thought that you guys might enjoy the full version as I originally scripted it.

By the way, you should STILL download the podcast, since I appear in a couple other segments, AND it's full of some DAMN high quality funny that you're not going to see in print. Not to mention the fact that you get to hear SarahK of mountaineer musings sing like an angel.

Anyway, here's the full monty:

This week, we're headed down south to Alabama, so let's get started...

Alabama is a medium-sized state in the Southern US. It's very similar to its neighboring state, Florida, except it doesn't have as many old people or alligators.

The first Mardi Gras parade was held in Mobile, Alabama in 1711. It featured colorfully decorated, slow-moving cars driving down the streets amongst a crowd of stumbling, drunken pedestrians wearing funny costumes. This is the source of the Alabama state motto: Alabama - where every day is like Mardi Gras!

The state motto has since been changed to "Alabama - the sorta shaped like a beer gut state".

Workers from Alabama built the first rocket designed to put humans on the moon. It was launched from Florida so that wouldn't be attacked by angry villagers with torches and pitchforks who thought it was a tool of the devil.

The world's first Electric Trolley system was introduced in Montgomery Alabama in 1886. It was immediately destroyed by angry villagers.

Perhaps NOW you understand NASA's fear.

Alabama is the only state with all the major natural resources to make iron and steel. This explains why all the villagers had pitchforks.

To help fund education, Alabama instituted a America's first pitchfork tax in 1937.

The flag of Alabama is a big red X on a white field which symbolizes the states high illiteracy rate.

Maybe they need to raise the pitchfork tax.

Montgomery Alabama was the capital and birthplace of the Confederate States of America, which earned Montgomery the nickname "Birthplace of Bad Ideas".

The Confederate Flag was designed and first flown in Alabama in 1861 by the great-grandfather of Bo and Luke Duke.

Alabama became the 22nd state on December 14th, 1819. This posed a problem for celebrating the event, since most Alabama citizens couldn't count past 20, even with their shoes off, although certain of the more inbred sections of the state didn't seem to have as much of a problem with it.

Alabama is actually a Creek Indian word meaning "can't count past 20 even with his shoes off."

Alabama's state govenment is known for its love of high-spending pork projects, and it's state capitol building was once blown down by a hungry wolf.

Serves 'em right for building it out of sticks.

Baseball player Hank Aaron was born in Mobile in 1934. He started playing for the Mobile Mudhens in 1950, but his career there was cut short when he was arrested for "Batting While Black".

The state song of Alabama is "Alabama". I'd sing it for you but it has no words, since nothing rhymes with Alabama.

Well, except "gamma", but the Greek alphabet is outlawed in Alabama, so that doesn't really work.

The highest point in Alabama is Mount Cheaha at 2405 feet. The second highest point is in Trashy Acres Trailer Park at the top of Mary Lou Clanton's hair do.

The musical group Alabama has a fan club and museum in Fort Payne, Alabama, which was burned to the ground by angry villagers after the group used the word "gamma" in a song.

Governor George C. Wallace served four terms in office and spent two of them shooing colored people away from his drinking fountain.

In 1995, Alabama native Heather Whitestone was the first disabled woman chosen to serve as Miss America. I'm not sure exactly WHY she was classified as disabled, since the Johns Hopkins Medical Encyclopedia lists "being an Alabama native" as a "handicap" rather than a "disability".

Hitler's typewriter is on display at the Hall of History in Bessemer Alabama. It's unknown whether it still works, since no one in Alabama can correctly spell the sentence, "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."

The city of Mobile, Alabama is named for the Mauvilla Indian word meaning "Damn! Squaw have heap big hairdo!"

Alabama's official state mineral is automotive rust.

Alabama's state insect is the Monarch Butterfly, or - as natives refer to it - "that pretty little bug what's flappin' around over there."

Alabama's state bird is the pecan pie.

Long story. Something to do with a gallon of moonshine & Hitler's typewriter. I'm not really at liberty to discuss it, since it involves the word gamma.

In 1864, at the battle of Mobile Bay, Union Admiral David Farragut issued his famous command "Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!". Also uttered that day was the less famous Confederate reply - "Holy crap! They're coming right for us! RUN!"

Despite having only 50 miles of coastline, Alabama's beaches are a popular tourist destination. Be sure to visit during early March to witness the "Feed Yankee Tourists to the Sharks" Festival.

The town of Enterprise, Alabama houses the Boll Weevil Monument which celebrates the role this destructive insect played in encouraging farmers to grow crops other than cotton. But despite all their contributions, Alabama still doesn't allow Boll Weevils to either vote or ride in the front of the bus.

That wraps up the Alabama edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading up North to take a look at Alaska.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to working on the lyrics for Alabama's state song:

I live in Alabama, I really hate my mamma, I hit her with a hamma, and they threw me in the slamma.

Hmmm... not bad.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:14 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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