The version on the IMAO podcast (#16 - Oct 12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, it's time to follow the yellow brick road out to Kansas, so let's get started...

Kansas became the 34th state on January 29th, 1861 because America needed to meet its Affirmative Action quota for stolen Indian land.

Kansas was originally populated by people from Iowa who just couldn't handle that state's hectic, fast-paced lifestyle anymore.

The state bird of Kansas is the meadowlark, whose beautiful song failed to impress Simon during an American Idol audition.

The state flower of Kansas is the sunflower, the seeds of which are highly poisonous and can only be cured with high doses of steroids.

At least according to the Major League Baseball Player's Union.

Kansas lies along the eastern edge of Colorado, but sometimees sneaks across the border in the dead of night to steal the occasional mountain.

Kansas normally maintains a constant temperature of 72 degrees all year long, but sometimes impish tornadoes mess with the thermostat when no one's looking.

At just over 4000 feet, Mt. Sunflower is the highest point in Kansas.

And yeah, they stole it from Colorado. Dirty, thieving Kansasians!

The state flag of Kansas consists of a blue background behind a wicked witch and four flying monkeys.

Members of the Kansas Board of Education voted to outlaw the teaching of evolution in Kansas schools to avoid offending monkeys who were outraged at the suggestion that they evolved from hippies.

The state song of Kansas is "We're Not Too Crazy About Newton's Theory of Gravity, Either".

The state motto of Kansas is "Flat, boring, and full of wheaty goodness. We're like America's snack cracker!"

The word Kansas comes from a Sioux Indian word meaning "Probably not a good place to build a ski resort".

Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world's largest ball of twine. It contains over 300 miles of string and 73 slow kittens.

Kansas has a population of 2.6 million people, but surprisingly, NONE of them have ever seen "The Wizard of Oz", and they'll just stare at you blankly if you refer to someone's dog as Toto.

The state tree of Kansas is the cottonwood tree, which is used to make very splintery T-shirts.

The first female Mayor in the US was Susan Salter, elected in Argonia, Kansas in 1887. However, she was soon driven out of office due to a scandalous affair with her intern, Marvin Lewinsky

No relation to Monica, although, he WAS rumored to occasionally wear a blue dress.

The dial telephone was invented by Almon Stowger of El Dorado, Kansas and was a vast improvement over earlier models which required the user to make different animal noises for each digit.

The 34th President of the US - Dwight Eisenhower - was born in Abilene, Kansas. His portrait was removed from the dollar coin in 1979, but still remains on most Chuck E. Cheese game tokens.

In exchange for the relatively low income tax rate, citizens of Kansas are required to spend one week each year working in one of the state's wheat mines.

Kansas has the lowest suicide rate of any state in the US, mostly because there's nothing high enough to jump off of.

The state sport of Kansas is WheatBall, which is even less exciting than it sounds.

The state constitution of Kansas guarantees its citizens the right to keep and bear tornadoes.

Mostly as a defense against any flying monkeys that might their way over the rainbow from Oz.

Kansas has the largest population of wild grouse in the US. These birds are also known as "prairie chickens" or "meadow Frenchmen".

There are over 500 caves in Kansas. The fact that Bruce Wayne owns all of them does NOT prove that he's Batman.

Last year, Kansas grew 500 million bushels of wheat, which, if it were all made into bread, would be enough to feed Michael Moore lunch.

Well, that wraps up the Kansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be out shopping for moonshine in Kentucky.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go play a game of WheatBall... yay.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:04 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Since the new podcast is finally up, I guess it's safe to post the Fun Facts from the previous podcast.)

The version on the IMAO podcast (#15 - Sept 12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, it's time to fire up the ol' combine, because we're headed out to Iowa, so let's get started...

Iowa became the 29th state on December 28th, 1846, after Congress finally persuaded the state to change its name from "Corntopia".

The state flag of Iowa consists of three vertical stripes of blue, white, and red, much like the French flag. To prevent confusion, the white section of Iowa's flag contains the international symbol for "No Surrender Monkeys".

The state bird of Iowa is the goldfinch, which should not be confused with any criminal masterminds who tried to kill James Bond.

Iowa contains exactly 99 counties. The legendary "lost 100th county" is currently being sought by a ragtag band of spaceships fleeing from the evil Cylon Empire.

Geographically, Iowa is one of the flattest states in the US, but it IS considering getting implants so that South Dakota will FINALLY pay attention to it.

Iowa was nicknamed the "Hawkeye State" after the popular deep-fried delicacy served in most of the state's taverns.

The 31st president of the US - Herbert Hoover - was born in West Branch, Iowa. The Hoover Dam was named in his honor, since its construction was made possible by his invention of the concrete beaver.

The state song of Iowa is "Corn! Corn! Corn!", which consists entirely of people singing the word "corn" for 5 minutes, and was the inspiration for Monthy Python's "Spam" sketch.

The state tree of Iowa is the oak tree, because... well, they had to choose SOMETHING, and since corn doesn't grow on trees, they figured acorns were close enough.

Burlington, Iowa is home to Snake Alley, the crookedest street in America, which rates an impressive 9.5 on the Kofi Annan crookedness scale.

Strawberry Point, Iowa is home to the world's largest strawberry. It's 10 feet tall, weighs 500 pounds, and subsists on a diet of migrant farm workers.

The world's smallest city park is in Hiteman, Iowa, and consists of a single blade of grass growing through a crack in the sidewalk.

And yes, keeping it mowed IS a union job. How did you guess?

Iowa has more people of Norwegian extraction than it does black people, which is why pickled herring is sold at basketball games.

Or WOULD be, if Iowa had enough black people to put together an NBA team.

You know that team that the Harlem Globetrotters always beat in exhibition games? They're all from Iowa.

Crystal Lake, Iowa has a statue of the world's largest bullhead fish, which was finally caught in 1982 by a hockey-mask-wearing serial killer.

Kalona, Iowa is the largest Amish settlement west of the Mississippi. It was founded in 1858 by ultraconservative Amish who were sick of those Pennsylvania harlots shamelessly flaunting their naked wrists.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa is home to the world's largest breakfast cereal company - Quaker Oats - which also makes other funny-hat-wearing, religion-related cereals, like Islam Puffs, Jew Chex, and Pope-ee-o's.

In Scrabble, Iowa is worth 7 points, which, coincidentally, is the same number of points awarded for running down a pedestrian while playing Grand Theft Auto: Des Moines.

Dubuque, Iowa is frequently the site of violent turf wars between rival gangs of Hicks and Bumpkins.

Johnny Carson was born in Corning, Iowa in 1925. Had he been born 50 years later, his homely face and mediocre comedic talent would've prevented any career in the entertainment industry, except for maybe IMAO Podcaster.

Native Iowans are easily identifiable by their unique ability to actually locate Iowa on a map.

Iowa has a population of nearly 3 million people, all of whom will punch you right in the freakin' nose if you tell one more stupid corn joke.

The state vegetable of Iowa is corn, which [punching sound effect] OW! MY FREAKIN' NOSE!

Well, that wraps up the Iowa edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be stealing some ruby slippers & riding a cyclone to Kansas.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put some ice on my freakin' nose... ow...

Posted by: Harvey at 11:43 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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