While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

This week, we'll be getting run over by a rocket car going 700 mph on the Bonneville Salt Flats as we visit Utah. So let's get started...

Utah became the 45th state on January 4th, 1896. It was originally founded by a group of Mormons from Illinois in search of a new food supply after they'd hunted the local population of lime jello to extinction.

The state song of Utah is "Hooray for Sacred Undergarments!"

Utah gets its name from the Navajo Indian word meaning, "yet another unreadably boring holy book".

Utah has a professional basketball team - the Utah Jazz. No one's sure where they got the black guys for it, since the state is 50% whiter than the NHL and the American Polo League combined.

Utah is home to America's first department store, the Zions Co-operative Mercantile Institution. It operates today as ZCMI, after having won the trademark infringement lawsuit against Zionist Conspiracy Members International.

The state motto of Utah is "7 am is NOT too early to ring doorbells for Jesus".

The Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City took 40 years to complete. It would've been done sooner, but the workers were required to take church-mandated "conception breaks".

That's Mormon for "nooners".

And when you have 30 wives, that makes for some LONG lunch hours.

At 278 feet long, the Rainbow Bridge is the world's largest natural-rock span. Geologists theorize that the stone beneath the arch was slowly worn away over the years by repeated impacts from an unlucky yet persistent coyote.

Utah's license plates have black lettering over a desert image background and feature the slogan "Annoying, yet SO nicely dressed".

Utah's Great Salt Lake covers 2100 square miles with average depth of 13 feet. The salt concentration of the lake is approximately that of the rim of a margarita glass.

Salt Lake City was originally called Great Salt Lake City. The word Great was eventually dropped, as the locals consider it a curse word - for example when used in such obscenities as "Great Caeser's Ghost!" and "Great Googly Moogly!".

The state symbol of Utah is the beehive, which represents thrift, industry, and an insanely high birth rate.

The state animal of Utah is the Rocky Mountain Oyster.

Utah's Wasatch mountain range is named after a Ute Indian word meaning "Wazzzup!"

During WWII, the Alta, Utah, ski center served as a training ground for the paratroopers from the 10th Mountain Regiment, which is currently known as "The Xtreme Dew Crew Dudes!"

Utah's annual precipitation varies from 5 inches in the desert regions to 60 inches in the mountains, in clear violation of the Federal Rainfall Fairness Act.

Damn Utah and it's evil precipitationist discrimination!

In 2002, Salt Lake City was the host of the XIX Olympic Winter Games. The event was a resounding success, marred only by the controversy over banning coffee as a performance-enhancing drug.

Utah's nickname is the "Pass The Sanka State"

Fillmore, Utah served as it's capital when it was still a territory. I was named for US President Millard Fillmore. The only other thing ever inspired by "America's Boringest President" is a lame, right-wing comic strip which features a mallard and all the political subtlety of PeTA protesting at a KFC.

The city of Kanab is known as "Utah's Little Hollywood, because of the large number of motion pictures filmed in the area, including the new Wachowski Brothers film "Matrix: Decaffeinated".

Beaver, Utah is the birthplace of Philo T. Farnsworth, the inventor of television. Which is ironic, since half the time you can't even say the name of his hometown on TV without getting bleeped.

Salt Lake City, Utah, is the only state capital whose name contains three words, except for What's That Smell, New Jersey.

Utah was originally part of Mexico before the Mexican-American war. It was used by the Mexicans as an internment camp for deranged mental patients who swore using words like: 'darn', 'fetch', 'flip', 'heck', 'shoot', and 'sugar'.

The Spanish word for Utah translates roughly as "Ned Flanders".

Utah has over 11,000 miles of fishing streams, which are filled with rainbow trout and secret stashes of Coca-Cola.

65% of the land in Utah is owned by the federal government. The fact that 65% of the state is a barren, lifeless wasteland is just a coincidence.

The television series "Touched By An Angel" was filmed in Utah, as was its low-rated spin-off, "Suing An Angel For Sexual Harrassment".

Utah has the highest literacy rate in the nation, as long as you define "literacy" to exclued any words that would trigger a PG-13 rating.

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That wraps up the Utah edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be wondering how to get that hippie smell out of our maple syrup as we visit Vermont.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for a conception break.

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While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

This week, we'll be wondering whether the locals are just kidding when they offer us a bowl of jalepeno ice cream as we visit Texas. So let's get started...

Texas became the 28th state on December 29th, 1845 after the US won it from Mexico in - ironically - a game of Texas Hold 'em.

Although the Texas justice system is sometimes criticized for having "too many" executions, the truth is that most Texas prisoners prefer death to the alternative sentence of "life without the possibility of an oversized belt buckle".

Texas license plates have dark blue numbers on a white background and contain the tourism slogan "All the oil, without all the burkhas".

The Texas flag consists of 3 colored sections - red, white, and blue - with the blue section featuring an image of Chuck Norris kicking a bad guy's ass.

The state flower of Texas is the Bluebonnet. It WAS the yellow rose until the RIAA sued the state for copyright infringement.

Texas gets its name from a Caddo Indian word meaning "short swim to a welfare check".

Texas has a population of nearly 21 million people, all of whom are ashamed to be from the same state as the Dixie Chicks.

President Dwight Eisenhower was born in Denison, Texas. He was the last elected American President who didn't need to check his pockets for a comb before a press conference.

The state tree of Texas is the gallows.

The Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, is the place where a grossly outnumbered contingent of Texans fought to the death against an overwhelming force of Mexican troops in 1836. Much as modern-day beer kegs currently wage their valiant yet inevitably hopeless struggle against frat boy sobriety.

If a Texan brags to you about how much bigger his state is than yours, tell him your friend from Alaska was just saying the same thing about him, and laugh when he starts crying like a little girl.

The state mammal of Texas is the armadillo. For those not familiar with it, an armadillo is a peculiar-looking animal with the head of a rat, the body armor of a turtle, and the spineless flexibility of Bush's immigration policy.

President Lyndon Johnson was born in Johnson City, Texas. He was the last president to be popularly known by his three initials, "LBJ". Which should not be confused with President Clinton's nickname among Hispanic voters, "el BJ".

Alvin, Texas, set the record for rainfall in the US when it received 43 inches in 24 hours in 1979. It also holds the record for the world's largest wooden boat at 300 by 50 by 30 cubits.

Texas' nickname is "the big freakin' hat state".

More wool comes from the state of Texas than any other state. The quality of the wool is far superior to that from New Jersey, which is 90% Italian back hair.

Texas was actually an independent nation from 1836 until 1845, when it got divorced, lost its job and moved into America's basement, where it remains to this day.

Lazy bum.

An oak tree near Fulton, Texas, is estimated to be over 1500 years old. Every year on June 1st, the locals celebrate the tree's birthday by getting drunk and firing pistols into the air. The drunken shooting on the other 364 days of the year is just for fun.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in Texas. All the rest have implants.

On December 20, 1835, the first flag of Texas independence was raised. It featured a white background behind an image of Speedy Gonzales's head on a pike and a capital "T" branded on his forehead.

The Hertzberg Circus Museum in San Antonio, Texas, has the largest collection of circus memorabilia in the world. It includes such rare sideshow freak attractions as a three-headed calf and a modest, soft-spoken Texan wearing sneakers and a fedora.

The state motto of Texas is "That chili's not hot, you're just a wuss".

Texas is home to both Dell and Compaq computers. The fact that they've outsourced all their tech support overseas gives new meaning to the phrase "Cowboys and Indians".

The famous soft drink Dr Pepper was invented in Waco, Texas, in 1885. It should not be confused with any best-selling Beatles albums or that crappy rip-off, Mr Pibb.

The first suspension bridge in the US was the Waco Bridge, built across the Brazos river in 1870. Before then, all bridges were supported by concrete pilings reinforced with the broken bodies of Chinese railroad workers.

The Texas capitol building in Austin opened on May 16, 1888, and is actually 7 feet higher the US Capitol building in Washington, D.C.. Personally, I think it's nice that men from Texas at least have ONE size-related thing they can brag about.

The first word spoken from the moon was "Houston". The second and third words were "Astros" and "suck".

Texas possesses three of the top 10 most populous cities in the US - Houston, Dallas, and San Antonio. It also claims two of the top 10 most monkey-eared presidential candidates - George W. Bush and Ross Perot.

The cattle population of Texas is estimated to be 16 million.

17 million if you count Cadillacs with steer horns mounted on the hood.

The world's first rodeo was held in Pecos, Texas, in 1883 when a dozen cowboys came up with a plan for a way to publicly tie up and wrestle cattle while dressed in leather chaps without running afoul of the state's oppressive bestiality laws.
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That wraps up the Texas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be finding it ironic that a state that's filled with Mormons is, itself, a four-letter word as we visit Utah.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go help put down a beer keg uprising.

Posted by: Harvey at 01:53 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

This week, we'll be getting our asses whupped for making banjo jokes as we visit Tennessee. So let's get started...

Tennessee became the 16th state on June 1, 1796, and was originally settled by outcast heretics from Massachusetts who believed that playing polo on horseback was completely inferior to playing it hogback.

Tennessee's nickname is the "Needs a cool spelling mnemonic like Mississippi has" state.

Chattanooga, Tennessee is where the famous International House of Possum restaurant chain got its start in 1925.

The Iris was adopted as the state flower of Tennessee in 1972, despite numerous complaints that it was too hard to spell.

The state motto of Tennessee is: "Moonshine - it's not just for breakfast any more".

The city of Kingston served as the state capital of Tennessee for only one day - just long enough to sign a peace treaty ending the bloody Civil War between rival factions of Hicks, Rubes, Hayseeds, Rednecks, and Hillbillies. The victorious Rednecks then moved the capital to its present Nashville location.

The state song of Tennessee is "All I Want For Christmas Is My Thirty Front Teeth".

Living most of his life in Greeneville, Tennessee, Andrew Johnson held every elective office on the local, state, and federal levels - from City Alderman to US President. His shrewish mother-in-law, however, never ceased referring to him as "that good-for-nothing job-hopper".

Tennessee license plates are white with black numbers and feature the phrase "Barely Toleratin' Yankees Since 1865".

The famous racehorse Iroquois was bred at Nashville's Belle Meade Plantation, and left hundreds of thoroughbred descendants. Sorta like the Kennedy clan, except with more hay-eating, and less negligent homicide.

The Houston Oilers football team moved to Tennessee in 1997 and were known as the Tennessee Oilers for two years before changing their name to the Tennessee Titans. Which brings up a question: if the New England Patriots are affectionately known as the "Pats", what's the Titans' nickname?

During the first Gulf War, more National Guard members from Tennessee were deployed than from any other state. Possibly due to a rumor that the Iraqi Republican Guard consisted entirely of Gators fans.

Born in Bakersville, Tennessee, Hattie Caraway became the first woman elected to the US Senate. Sadly, her term was marred by the now-infamous "lap dances for votes" scandal.

Legendary frontiersman Davy Crockett was born near Greeneville, Tennessee and was best know for wearing a coonskin cap and a snakeskin thong.

Tennessee's name comes from the Cherokee Indian word "tanasi", which means "White man make-um kick-ass corn juice firewater".

When it opened in 1992, Chatanooga's Tennesse Aquarium was the largest fresh water aquarium in the US, featuring over 300 different aquatic species. Due to recent budget cuts, it now consists of three fishsticks in a wooden bucket.

The largest earthquake in the continental US was the New Madrid Earthquake, which happened in northwestern Tennessee in 1811. Locals took it as a punishment from God for their sins of sobriety and book-learnin', and quickly mended their evil ways.

Tennessee's Reelfoot Lake is known as the Turtle Capital of the World. It contains thousands of these ponderous reptiles, very few of whom are named after Renaissance painters or skilled in martial arts.

Nashville, Tennessee is famous for its country music scene and is widely known as "the city that spells 'opera' with a y, and 'violin' with two d's".

Famous railroad engineer Casey Jones lived in Jackson, Tennessee. He was killed when his train crashed on April 30, 1900, having failed to attain the 88 mph speed necessary for successful time travel.

Tennessee has over 3800 caves containing a space of over one million cubic miles - nearly enough to hold an entire Senate's worth of broken campaign promises.

Bristol, Tennessee, is known as the "Birthplace of Country Music" and the "Graveyard of Cheerful Sobriety".

Elvis Presley's home, Graceland, is located in Memphis, Tennessee, and is the most visited house in the US that does not contain the word "pancakes".

Or "possum".

Before the Revolutionary War, there was a colony in central Tennessee known as Transylvania. Contrary to popular rumor, it contained no vampires because 1) Tennessee vampires don't exist, 2) if they did exist they'd be too ignorant to find the jugular vein on their victims, and 3) if they could find it, a toothless vampires couldn't bite anyone.

Tennessee will not allow you to buy beer in a liquor store. Probably because you can't fit a Tennessee beer gut through a liquor store doorway.

The 266 foot tall Sunsphere built for Knoxville, Tennessee's 1982 World's Fair still stands in it's original location, although it's currently up on blocks.

The famous Scopes Monkey Trial was held in Dayton, Tennessee in 1925. The monkey was found guilty and barred from further ascension up the evolutionary ladder. Afterwards, he shaved himself, changed his name to Al Gore Sr., ran successfully for the US Senate in 1952, and - ironically - voted against the Monkey Rights act of 1964.

Tennessee's Fall Creek Falls is the highest waterfall east of the Mississippi. Unlike the more famous Niagra Falls, no one has ever gone over Fall Creek Falls in a barrel, since barrels are considered sacred by the state's official religion of Whiskeytarianism.

In Tennessee, it is perfectly legal to gather and consume roadkill. However, there IS a 7-day waiting period for buying a Buick.

Jack Daniel, of Tennessee Whiskey fame, showed up early for work one morning and - frustrated at being unable to open a safe - kicked it, thus breaking his toe. He later died from infection as a result of the injury. Since then, people from Tennessee always stay home and drink all morning as a safety precaution.

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That wraps up the Tennessee edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be remembering the Alamo by randomly shooting Mexicans as we visit Texas.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go saddle up my hog for the polo match.

[Hat tip to reader Tennessee Budd for providing some of the trivia that I so wantonly abused]

Posted by: Harvey at 07:38 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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