The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time to thrill to the intoxicating aroma of inadequately-maintained industrial landfills as we visit New Jersey. So let's get started...

New Jersey became the 3rd state on December 18, 1787 after cutting off the head of Old Jersey and shouting "There can be only ONE!"

The state song of New Jersey is "I'm From New Jersey", the only state song which is perfectly adaptable to any state or city with a 3-syllable name. Think of it as "witness protection program friendly".

At over 1000 people per square mile, New Jersey has a population density 13 times the US average, the subject of numerous protests by KFCeTP (Kentucky Fried Chickens for the Ethical Treatment of People).

Newark, New Jersey is the car-theft capital of the world, although the Newark Chamber of Commerce prefers to refer to it as "pre-emptive recycling".

Cape May, New Jersey, is the oldest seaside resort in the US and brags that it has "the best fed sharks north of Amity".

The state flag of New Jersey has a buff colored background, the state seal (3 plows topped by a horse's head) and the state motto "Perhaps you should reconsider the Don's generous offer".

The state flower of New Jersey is the violet. And before you ask: no, I didn't accidentally leave out the "n".

The state's name, however, WAS originally a typographical error, when an inattentive clerk mistakenly typed an "s" instead of a "k" on the colony's application for statehood.

One exceptionally capitalistic area of New Jersey contains 7 shopping malls in a 25 square mile area and frequently exceeds the EPA limits on perfume particulates.

New Jersey is America's second largest producer of industrial chemicals. First, if you include the stuff that's burning on the rivers.

Thomas Edison invented the light bulb in his Menlo Park, New Jersey, laboratory, which soon replaced kerosene, whale oil, and natural gas lamps as the "good idea" symbol.

The first Miss America pageant took place in Atlantic City, New Jersey, in 1921, helping to end the dark chapter in American history where beautiful, large-breasted women were routinely shunned and ignored.

The streets in the game Monopoly are all named for actual streets in Atlantic City, New Jersey, which are frequently clogged with shoes and tophats.

New Jersey's Fort Dix was named for Major General John Adams Dix, and NOT for the fact that it was the last all-male Army base in the US

Atlantic City, New Jersey has the longest boardwalk in the world. Enough trees were used in its construction to make 10,000 hippies weep in anguish.

The first Indian reservation in the US was created in New Jersey, which - surprisingly - did NOT trigger a case involving the 8th Amendment's "cruel and unusual punishment" clause.

Union, New Jersey is home to the world's tallest water tower. At 212 feet tall, it contains enough water to completely clean out three of Michael Moore's belly-folds.

New Jersey is the only state in the nation that offers child abuse prevention workshops in every public school. Although you'd think that if they REALLY cared about the kids, they'd just move them out of the state.

The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, New Jersey, one of the few times in the state's history where the use of a baseball bat wasn't immediately followed by a homicide investigation.

The first drive-in movie theater was opened Camden, New Jersey, in 1933, less than one year before Camden set the record for "most illegitimate births".

Tourism is New Jersey's second-largest industry, just behind discreet body-disposal.

The knobbed whelk is the state seashell, not a nickname for New York tourists.

The first dinosaur skeleton found in the US was discoverd in Haddonfield, New Jersey. Paleontologists theorize that the cause of its death was not accepting the Don's generous offer.

Dioxin is New Jersey's state toxic waste

Good luck guessing whether that one's true or not.

Comedians Bud Abbot and Lou Costello were both born in New Jersey. Their famous comedy routine "Who Do Youse Want Me to Whack First" was later re-written slightly to appeal to a broader audience.

Singer Whitney Houston was born in Newark, New Jersey, where she first discovered her amazing talent for making dogs howl across three counties.

Singer Bruce Springsteen was born in Freehold, New Jersey. The city's residents are the only people who know what he's actually singing in "Blinded By The Light"

"Washing with a loofah in the corner to the right"? "Dressed up in a tutu like the mother of my wife"? What the HELL is he singing?

"The Chairman of the Board" Frank Sinatra was born in Hoboken, New Jersey. He... I've just been handed a note... apparently if I value my kneecaps, I should be keepin' by yap shut about Mr. Sinatra.

Nevermind.

In New Jersey, "Wawa" refers to a particular chain of convenience stores, NOT to the last sound the guy in your trunk makes before you throw him in the dumpster behind the convenience store.

The reason people always ask folks from New Jersey "What exit?" is that it's the only phrase that can't be mistaken for a criticism of Mr. Sinatra.

---

That wraps up the New Jersey edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be nervously drumming our fingers on the dashboard while awaiting the arrival of our drug mule near the southern border of New Mexico.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take the Don up on his generous offer of a free trip to the back of the Wawa.

Posted by: Harvey at 01:41 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 1053 words, total size 6 kb.

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time to buy a pile of sales-tax-free - though horribly overpriced - Revolutionary-War-related souveniers as we tour New Hapshire. So let's get started...

New Hampshire became the 9th state on June 21st, 1788, it was originally founded by refugees from Massachusetts seeking to ensure that their descendants would never know the sick, shameful feeling of voting for Ted Kennedy.

New Hampshire's state tourism slogan is "Don't feel bad. We can't find us on a map, either".

While it was still just a colony, New Hampshire declared its independence from England 6 months before the the Declaration of Independence was signed - an embarrassing case of "premature emancipation".

Portsmouth, New Hampshire was the site of the signing of the treaty which officially ended the Russo-Japanese War in 1905, in which the Russians officially apologized for referring to the Japanese as "saki-swilling sushi-munchers".

New Hampshire's state motto is "We were really cool 230 years ago".

The first potato field in the US was planted in 1719, just outside of Londonderry, New Hampshire. No one planted the crop again for 50 years, when the Irishman-repelling scarecrow was finally developed.

Born in East Derry, New Hampshire, Alan B. Shepard Jr. was the first American to travel into space. After his historic feat, he spent 30 years in obscurity before finally turning up in an "Astronauts Gone Wild" video, performing lewd acts with moon rocks.

In 1833, the first free public library in the US was established in Peterborough, New Hampshire. The first book checked out was Nathaniel Limbaugh's "See, I Toldest Thou So".

New Hampshire instituted the first state lottery in 1963, which has been won every week for 43 years by Shirley Jackson.

The Cornish Hill Pottery Company of Wolfeboro, New Hampshire still makes their stoneware crafts in the traditional British fashion - glazed with the blood of the Irish.

In 1828, the first women's strike in the US took place when 400 mill girls walked out of the Dover Cotton Factory. They vowed not to return to work unless the sexual harrassment they were subjected to started including obnoxious foreplay.

The first alarm clock was invented in Concord, New Hampshire in 1787, and consisted of two tin cans, a piece of string, and a rooster.

Legendary orator Daniel Webster was born in Franklin, New Hampshire in 1782. It's said that his speeches were so persuasive that - were he alive today - he could talk John Kerry into taking a single position on an issue.

The first American coin was created by sculptor Augustus Saint-Gaudens of Cornish, New Hampshire. It had Washington's portrait on the front, and "America - F*** YEAH!" on the back.

President Franklin Pierce was born in Concord, New Hampshire. His only accomplishment in office was coining the phrase, "Can you smell what the Pierce is cookin'?"

The town of Merrimack, New Hampshire is home to the famous Clydesdales owned by the Anheuser-Busch Brewery. They require over 300 gallons of water per day to help them provide the secret ingredient that gives Budweiser its distinctive flavor.

The Budweiser frogs were also kept in Merrimac until they were dissected by the 8th grade Biology class.

New Hampshire's delegates were the first to vote for the Declaration of Independence on July 4th 1776, although due to a balloting error, several of them accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan.

New Hampshire has 10 counties, 13 municipalites, 221 towns, 22 unincoporated places, and one ring to rule them all.

Sarah Josepha Hale was born in 1830 in Newport New Hampshire, and was the author of the famous poem, "Mary Had a Little Lamb". She also penned the less-well-known follow-up poem, "Mary Had a Little Mint Jelly on the Side".

The state bird of New Hampshire is the Purple Finch, which - unlike some Finches - has no qualms about killing mockingbirds.

New Hampshire's state constitution was ratified in 1784, and is the second oldest one in the country. It's also the only one that specifically forbids fat chicks at nude beaches.

The Mount Washington Auto Road at Great Glenn, New Hampshire is the state's oldest man-made tourist attraction and annually draws more tourists than anything else in the state. Probably because it ends at a nude beach.

New Hampshire's legislature still meets in the original capitol building constructed in 1784. They expect to have the facilities upgraded about the same time that Microsoft upgrades Windows Solitaire.

Alexandria, New Hampshire, was the birthplace of Luther C. Ladd, the first man to lose his life in the Civil War, after uttering his famous last words "This pistol ain't loaded. Watch..."

The first motorized ascent of the Mount Washington Auto Road was by Freelan O. Stanley - inventor of the Staleny Steamer and nude beach afficianado.

Stonyfield Farm in Londonderry, New Hampshire, features a tour demostrating how yogurt is made. It also includes a free shower at the end so you can wash off that hippie smell.

New Hampshire did not officially adopt a state flag until 1909. Prior to that, they just had someone climb to the top of the flagpole and make cryptic gang-related hand-signals.

The granite profile "Old Man of the Mountain" - which collapsed in 2003 - was one of New Hampshire's most famous landmarks and appears on the New Hampshire state quarter. It was last visited by Luther C. Ladd IV, whose last words were "You're crazy! Nothing will happen if I throw a rock at that thing. Watch..."

---

That wraps up the New Hampshire edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be beaten up by burly Italian men in 3-piece suits as we scream promises to get them their money by this afternoon in New Jersey.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a drive down the Mount Washington Auto Road.

Posted by: Harvey at 05:47 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 1091 words, total size 6 kb.

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, we'll be making a brief stop at a drive-thru Elvis wedding chapel as we cruise through Nevada. So let's get started...

Nevada became the 36th state on October 31st, 1864, and immediately joined the Civil War on the side of the West - which favored slavery, but opposed letting little girls from Kansas kill witches for their shoes.

The state bird of Nevada is the Mountain Bluebird. Despite their small size, they are amazingly strong and frequently seen working as casino bouncers.

The winner of the Nevada Governor's race is determined by a contest to see who can drink the most martinis without groping a waitress.

Which may explain why Schwarzenegger ran in California.

The first slot machine was invented in Reno, Nevada in 1899 by Charles Fey, who got the idea after spending an hour feeding coins into a broken Coke machine.

"Bertha, the Performing Elephant" entertained for 37 years at the Nugget Casino in Sparks, Nevada, which at the time billed itself as "Home of the World's Largest Stripper Pole".

Pershing County, Nevada has the only round courthouse in the US. This allows criminals to be strapped to the giant, floor-mounted, "Wheel O' Justice".

Nevada formally legalized gambling in the state in 1931 as part of a broad strategy aimed at stopping the flood of illegal Amish immigrants sneaking across their borders.

The state motto of Nevada is "WOO-HOO! Legal Hookers!"

Native to Death Valley, Nevada, the Kangaroo Rat can go its entire life without ever drinking. They are nicknamed "Kennedy Rats" for the same reason fat guys are nicknamed "Slim".

Wyatt Earp started his career as a lawman as Sheriff of Tonopah, Nevada. He was most famous for his OK Corrall gunfight against Kirk, Spock, Scotty, & McCoy.

The Icthyosaur was chosen as Nevada's state fossil in 2004, narrowly defeating the second-place choice of Don Rickles.

The bells in Austin, Nevada's St. Augustine church tower are rung by pulling a rope located in the men's restrooms. Which is slightly less bizarre than the condom dispensers in the confessionals.

Nevada takes its name from a Spanish word meaning "Which one's Siegfried?".

Nevada's climate encompasses both burning deserts and frozen mountain tops, which is why Nevada's license plates say "Nevada - it's like living in fried ice cream!".

Shrouded in mystery just outside of Rachel, Nevada, is the government installation known as "Area 51". What happens there is so Top Secret that not even the New York Times knows what's going on.

Either that, or leaking it won't aid any terrorists, so they just don't care.

Elko, Nevada hosts the annual Cowboy Poetry Gathering. First prize is a trip for two to Brokeback Mountain with the second-place winner.

Eccentric millionaire Howard Hughes bought numerous casinos in Nevada before his death in 1976. Although these purchases were considered highly speculative at the time, they were still more sensible than investing in caves and black tights like that lunatic, Bruce Wayne.

Nevada's gold mines produced over 7 million ounces of gold last year. If it were all hammered into fine gold leaf, it would be enough to completely cover a room the size of Donald Trump's ego.

Nevada has some 50,000 miles of paved roads. None of which can get an acting job after appearing in "Lethal Weapon 4".

Located 30 miles southeast of Las Vegas, Nevada, the Hoover Dam contains 3.25 billion cubic yards of concrete, and a couple of guys from Jersey who talked too much.

Nevada's State Highway 50 features a stretch of nearly 300 miles with no rest stops. While driving it, motorists are cautioned to ignore any signs offering "Free Bird Seed!" and to beware of falling coyotes.

Las Vegas, Nevada is home to an entire museum devoted to the life & times of Liberace. Who was NOT gay, despite the impression given by his noticable lisp, sequined fur-coats, and numerous sexual encounters with other men.

Camels were used as pack animals in Nevada until 1870, when they were finally freed from slavery by a smooth character named Joe.

Las Vegas, Nevada has more hotel rooms than any other city in the world, each containing a copy of the "Gideon's Bible - Texas Hold-'em Version".

The longest Morse Code telegram ever sent was the Nevada state consitution, sent from Carson City, Nevada, to Washington, D.C. in 1864. Inexplicably, it contained over 200 instances of the mysterious phrase, "Come onnnnnn, SEVEN!"

Andre Agassi was originally an Elvis impersonator in his home town of Las Vegas, Nevada, but moved on to professional tennis after realizing that he'd never be able to duplicate the King's fearsome backhand.

Construction worker hard hats were invented specifically for Hoover Dam workers in 1933, replacing the outdated protective measure of strapping an illegal Amish immigrant to your head.
---

That wraps up the Nevada edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be making that always-difficult choice between living free or dying as we take a look at New Hampshire.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go "ring St. Augustine's bells"... if ya know what I mean...

Posted by: Harvey at 06:39 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 969 words, total size 6 kb.

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time to take a corn-tastic trip to Nebraska, so let's get started...

Nebraska became the 37th state on March 1st, 1867. It would've become a state during the Civil War, but it was fat and wore glasses, so neither side wanted it on their team.

The state flower of Nebraska is goldenrod, which should not be confused with any similarly-sounding James Bond or Austin Powers movies.

The powdered soft drink Kool-Aid was invented in Hastings, Nebraska, and was originally sold by travelling salesmen who would kick down people's doors and shout, "OH YEAH!!!"

The tradition of planting trees on Arbor Day started in Nebraska City, Nebraska as a cheap way of marking the numerous graves of Kool-Aid salesmen.

The state motto of Nebraska is "Corn, college football, and... um... more corn".

40% of the munitions used in WWII had to be manufactured at the Naval Ammunition Depot in Hastings, Nebraska, since the rest of the state was rooting for Hitler.

The world's largest indoor rainforest is the Lied Jungle in Omaha, Nebraska, but it's currently closed to tourists because Daryl Hannah keeps climbing the trees and flinging poo at people.

Nebraska's Ogala aquifer is the world's largest underground water supply. It's estimated to contain about 800 million gallons of water - about the same as Natalie Maines.

Nebraska is the only state in the US with a unicameral (one house) legislature, which is currently evenly divided between the Feed Corn and Sweet Corn Parties.

Nebraska was the first state to complete its segment of the nation's Interstate Highway system, due to its citizens near-insatiable hunger for something to do besides watch the corn grow, i.e. watching concrete solidify.

Nebraska's phenomenal corn production is due to a combination of modern irrigation techniques and good old-fashioned human sacrifice.

The 9-1-1 emergency phone system was first developed in Lincoln, Nebraska as a replacement for their old emergency communications system of having hobbits light signal fires to call the Riders of Rohan.

Nebraska's famous landmark "Chimney Rock" was recently sold to the Pfizer corporation and is now known as "Viagra Point".

Omaha, Nebraska is home to the world's largest coffee pot. While there, remember to tip the world's largest waitress.

Kearny, Nebraska is located exactly halfway between Boston and San Francisco. This does NOT make it homophobic. Don't be so sensitive.

Marlon Brando's mother gave Henry Fonda acting lessons at the Omaha Community Playhouse. Unfortunately, she neglected to give him lessons on raising kids not to be commie-loving traitors.

The world's largest Wooly Mammoth specimen was found in Lincoln County, Nebraska. If its skin were stretched to its full size, it would cover enough area to make a thong for Michael Moore.

The Mutual of Omaha Insurance Company's corporate office has 7 full floors of underground offices, in one of which the Architect awaits Neo.

The Nebraska Cornhuskers college football team made a NCAA record 35 consecutive bowl appearances. 36, if you count the "Still Looking For A Corporate Sponsor - [Your Name Here] Bowl".

The world's first college course about Rush Limbaugh is taught at Nebraska's Bellvue University. Topics include "Barking Moonbats - When To Hang Up" and "Things Not To Take On A Plane".

Nebraska gets its name from the Oto Indian word "nee-ba-sah", meaning "Are you SURE we're not still in Iowa?".

The world's largest porch swing is located in Hebron, Nebraska. It can seat 25 adults, or Michael Moore in a Wooly Mammoth thong.

The Fur Trading Museum is located near Blair, Nebraska. Just take Highway 75 north from Omaha, then follow the wet pelt smell.

The University of Nebraska - Lincoln campus boasts America's largest weight room. It covers 3/4 of an acre and is currently celebrating its second full day of being steroid-free.

Oops... Nevermind...

Nebraska's 1986 Governor's race was the first in the nation to feature two women running against each other. Sadly, the final vote tally was not close enough to trigger the Jello-wrestling tie-breaker.

Buffalo Bill held his first rodeo in North Platte, Nebraska, which - contrary to popular rumor - was NOT catered by Hannibal Lecter.

Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town in Omaha, Nebraska, in 1917. To this day, it remains one of the few places in America not infected with girl-cooties.

Dancer Fred Astaire was born in Omaha, Nebraska, although he had to leave the city after Ginger Rogers gave him cooties.

Gerald Ford was born in Omaha, Nebraska, and was the only US President to hold the office without having been elected to it - blatherings by Gore and Kerry to the contrary notwithstanding.

---

That wraps up the Nebraska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week it's all about the drinkin', gamblin', and whorin', because we're off to Nevada.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch some concrete solidify... WOO-HOO!!!

Posted by: Harvey at 05:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 924 words, total size 6 kb.

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, we'll be finding out what it's like to live 200 miles from your nearest neighbor as we visit Montana, so let's get started...

Montana became the 41st state on November 8th, 1889. It was originally settled by a herd of moose who eventually lost the territory to white settlers in a poker game.

Seems that moose always twitch their antlers when they're bluffing.

The first large-scale vigilante force was formed to police the lawless Montana Territory in 1884. That year, 35 head of cattle were executed for rustling themselves.

Montana's nickname is "The Nervous Sheep State".

It was legal to drink while driving in Montana until October 1, 2005, when the Kennedy Prevention Act was finally passed.

The Bitterroot is the state flower of Montana. The root is so bitter that eating it is actually forbidden by law, lest the person eating it turn into a Democrat.

After years of Montana having no speed limit on its highways, it was finally set at 65mph in 1999, effectively killing the state's antelope drag-racing industry.

In Butte, Montana, it's legal to shoot anyone who deliberately mispronounces the city's name and giggles.

Montana is believed to have the largest grizzly bear population in the US, although the number may include some of the local women who were counted by mistake.

The state song of Montana is "What's That Bear Doing In The Woods?"

Montana gets its name from the Spanish word for "moose chalupa".

The state tree of Montana is the Ponderosa Pine, which has a much better salad bar than the Bonanza Pine.

The state bird of Montana is the Meadowlark, which terroizes the skies above the state's human residents much as their prehistoric pteradactyl ancestors did.

The Montana Yogo Sapphire is the only North American gem included in the Crown Jewels of England, except for the Texas Yee Haw Diamond.

In 1888, Helena, Montana, had more millionaires per capita than any other city in the world. In 1889, God sent a plague of elk to devour them all for their sinful ways.

The population density of Montana is 6 people per square mile. About the same as a Dixie Chicks concert.

The first bobsled track in North America was built at Lolo Pass, Montana in 1965 in the hopes that it would enable the American Olympic team to finally defeat those feisty Jamaicans.

Combination, Comet, Keystone, and Pony are some of the quaintly-named Montana ghost towns from which the Brady Bunch have successfully escaped.

Virginia City, Montana was founded in 1863 and has remained completely unchanged for the last 100 years, much like the Democratic Party.

The highest point in Montana is Granite Peak, which stands 12,799 feet tall, give or take a mountain goat.

The world's largest glacier is in Montana's Glacier National Park, where it has been carefully preserved inside the world's largest glass of Scotch.

Glacier National Park also boasts the world's most elaborate security system, which was specifically designed to keep Ted Kennedy out.

The mountains of Montana have yielded a treasure trove of prehistoric artifacts over the years, including dinosaur eggs, and a speech by Howard Dean from his sane period.

The Battle of Little Bighorn National Monument is located just south of Billings, Montana, and marks the spot where General Custer and his men were slaughtered by Plains Indians for not tipping their waitresses at the casino.

The "Going to the Sun Road" in Glacier Park, Montana, is considered one of the most scenic drives in America, second only to New Jersey's "Toxic Waste Trail".

The state motto of Montana is "Oro y Plata" - meaning "gold and silver" - which was selected in 1890 by then-governor Yukon Cornelius.

In Montana, the elk, deer, and antelope populations outnumber the humans, but they are not allowed to vote because of Apartheid.

To this day, Nelson Mandelka remains a political prisoner in Billings.

The Roe River near Great Falls, Montana, is the world's shortest river. At 58 feet, it's 10 feet shorter than the drool-trail left typically left by Michael Moore while entering a McDonald's.

Motorcyle daredevil Evel Knievel was born in Butte, Montana. Despite his many legendary stunts, he never did manage to make it across Springfield Gorge on his skateboard.

---

That wraps up the Montana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll likely be murdered by feral Corn-Children as we visit Nebraska.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get a Moose Chalupa.

Posted by: Harvey at 02:47 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 865 words, total size 5 kb.

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time throw empty Bud cans at those pathetic Royals, because we're headed to Missouri, so let's get started...

Missouri became the 24th state on August 10th, 1821. It was originally admitted to the Union as a "slave" state, but eventually exchanged slavery for the slightly-less-evil institution of Country music.

The state bird of Missouri is the Bluebird, which - unlike its cousin, the Swallow - CAN fly while grasping a coconut by the husk.

Missouri has the second best educational system in the U.S. It WOULD be first, but for the fact that they fail to teach their kids that there's no "r" in "wash".

Missouri was named after the Missouri indian tribe, whose name means "seriously, there's no 'ah' at the end... idiots..."

Missouri's nickname is "The Pronouncing Invisible Letters State".

The state flag of Missouri originally only featured two bears on it. A third, smaller bear was later added to make the flag "juuuuuust right".

Missouri's license plates contain the motto "Show Me". They should not be confused with Louisiana's license plates, which say "Show Me Your Boobs".

Baseball coach Yogi Berra was born in St. Louis, Missouri, and is famous for his quaint, mixed-metaphor sayings, like "It ain't over till the clip's empty".

The state insect of Missouri is the honeybee, which is usually served deep-fried and sprinkled on waffles.

The crinoid became Missouri's state fossil after a group of students at Lee's Summit high school conducted an experiment to see how much is costs to bribe a state legislature.

Ten thousand dollars, a case of whiskey, and a dozen hookers, if you're curious.

The capitol building in Jefferson City, Missouri burned to the ground in 1911 after being struck by lightning during an attempt to make a DeLorean travel through time.

Kansas City, Missouri, has more miles of boulevards than Paris, but fewer German armies have marched down them.

The Gateway Arch is located in St. Louis, Missouri, and was originally the symbol for the now-defunct NcDonald's restaurant chain.

Aunt Jemima Pancake Flour was invented in St. Joseph, Missouri, and was the first commercially successful self-rising flour. It was followed by the less-well-received "Uncle Tom Cake Mix" and "Jungle Bunny Pie Crust".

Springfield, Missouri, was founded by a group of tourists who got lost on the way to Branson.

Carthage, Missouri, is home to the Precious Moments Chapel, a museum filled with adorable porcelain bisque figurines of big-eyed children, featuring such titles as "Mommy's Been Drinking Again" and "Please, Daddy, Not The Belt!"

Weldon Springs, Missouri, is the site of the Nuclear Waste Adventure Trail and Museum. While there, be sure to try the Paint Chip Nachos.

The "Elvis is Alive Museum" can be found in Wright City, Missouri. It's conveniently located between the "Al Gore Won" and "Michael Moore Would Recognize Truth If It Jumped Up And Bit Him In the Ass" Museums.

Black inventor George Washington Carver was born in Diamond Grove, Missouri, and is proof that black people used to be able to become famous for something other than sports and political activism.

President Harry S Truman was born in Lamar, Missouri. The "S" stands for "so let's nuke the Japs".

Rush Limbaugh was born in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, where he got his start in radio by beating up liberal talk show hosts and stealing their lunch money.

Author Mark Twain was born in Florida, Missouri, where the rumors of his death are no longer greatly exaggerated.

Outlaw Jesse James was born in Centerville, Missouri, and was known as "the most dangerous man in America". At least until Rush Limbaugh got his first radio job.

Iced tea was invented at the St. Louis World's Fair in 1904 as a method of frightening away the stuffy and annoying British tourists.

Seriously... what's the point of hot tea, anyway? It's like drinking boiled Kool-Aid.

The ice cream cone was also invented at the 1904 World's Fair, after an ice cream vendor discovered that all of his paper cups had been destroyed by a mysterious virus.

Probably of British origin.

Anheuser-Busch of St. Louis, Missouri, is the world's largest brewery. In 1872, they patented their secret formula for "Alco-swill", which was later re-named "Budweiser" for marketing reasons.

Robert Wadlow - who was the world's tallest man at 8 feet 11 inches - was born in St. Louis, Missouri. His "Where's Wadlow" line of children's books was a dismal failure.

"Wild Kingdom" host Marlin Perkins was born in Carthage, Missouri. He gained fame documenting his travels around the world as he searched for new and exotic toppings for Imo's Pizza.

---

That wraps up the Missouri edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be redlining down 7,000 miles of copless interstates as we tour Montana.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go grab me a can of Alco-swill.

Hey... it's after 5pm somewhere...

Posted by: Harvey at 06:21 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 933 words, total size 6 kb.

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time get stinkin' drunk, float down the Big Muddy, and wash up on a sandbar with a hangover, because we're headed to Mississippi, so let's get started...

Mississippi became the 20th state on December 10th 1817. Although the new state's entry faced violent opposition, it managed to get admitted to the Union since people with lisps did not yet have the right to vote.

Mississippi has 82 counties, all of which have at least one town named "Bubbaville".

The state flag of Mississippi is best described as a combination of the Confederate and French flags. Don't count on them to win any wars for you.

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi. The world's largest couch was built there in her honor, just in case Tom Cruise stops by.

Chitlins were first served in Shuqulah, Mississippi, which - I assume - is home to a disproportionate population of the hopelessly insane.

Mississippi gets its name from the Chippewa Indian word "mici-zibi", which means "River's flooding again... WHY do these stupid white people keep rebuilding here?"

Mississippi has a population of 3 million people and 6 million teeth.

Singer Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. Does anyone else find it ironic that he once had a hit song about shoes?

In a fight between Aquaman & someone from Mississippi, the Mississippian would lose, but he'd write a great blues song about the fight that would make millions.

Most people from Mississippi have several Confederate flag sticker on their cars. This doesn't make them racist, it just means that they're too poor to afford enough duct tape to hold their cars together.

If you're in Mississippi and someone tries to mug you, just yell, "Look! Snow!". The mugger will become paralyzed with confusion and you can make your escape.

Although Mississippi is frequently the 50th ranked state in quality of education, it IS ranked #1 in the category of "boosting self-esteem for students in the other 49 states".

The world's largest Bible-binding plant is in Greenwood, Mississippi, and uses only genuine atheist-skin leather.

...And people wonder why I've never been to Mississippi...

The Stetson hat was invented in Dunn's Falls, Mississippi, which is constantly being attacked by Texas Crusaders seeking to recapture their holy city.

Football player Walter "Sweetness" Payton was born in Columbia, Mississippi, and was the first athlete to appear simultaneously on boxes of "Wheaties", "Gritties", and "Chitlinies" cereals.

Petal, Mississippi is home to the International Checkers Hall of Fame. Requirements for induction include winning a tournament on a 5-jump, double-king combo move, and appearing on a "Chitlinies" box.

The Vicksburg National Cemetary is the largest national cemetary in America. Some people say that the Arlington National Cemetary is larger, but it's stuffed with all them damn Yankees, so it doesn't really count.

Legendary Football quarterback Brett Favre was born in Kiln, Mississippi. He's reputed to be able to throw a football hard enough to break a receiver's fingers, but he only does that if the guy's late with his protection money payment.

Singer Jimmy Buffett was born in Pascagoula, Mississippi, but was banished after all the town's salt-shakers mysteriously disappeared.

It was his own damn fault.

Mississippi is the only state in America that doesn't offer personalized license plates. The state's DMV figures it's not worth it, since no one can read those big ol' 6-letter words, anyway.

The fried peanut butter and banana sandwich was invented in Tupelo, Mississippi by Elvis Presley in 1945. He never patented his invention, and died in bankrupt obscurity in 1977.

It is NOT true that the Governor of Mississippi is chosen as a result of being the victor in a greased-pig-catching contest. They don't actually grease the pig.

Actor James Earl Jones was born in Arkabutla, Mississippi, but soon moved to Coruscant to complete his Sith training.

Mississippi has the lowest percentage of high school graduates in America, since the graduation exam requires students to spell the state's name without using the words "crooked-letter" or "humpback".

During a hunting expedition to Mississippi in 1902, President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a captured bear. This act resulted in the creation of the world-famous stuffed animal, the "Stupid Yankee Bear".

In 1807, Aaron Burr was arraigned for treason in Washington, Mississippi, beneath the Burr Oaks. Optimists in the city have since planted a grove of Jane Fonda Oaks, just in case.

---

That wraps up the Mississippi edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll get tricked into whitewashing fences by Tom Sawyer when we visit Missouri.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pour me a big ol' bowl of Chitlinies for breakfast.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:00 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time to grab your big blue ox and start lumberjacking your way through Bunyan country because we're going to Minnesota, so let's get started...

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11th, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin's winters.

The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as "how a 7-year-old city girl would draw a picture titled 'Life on the Farm'".

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "Mah-nee-soo-tah", meaning "No, really, they eat fish soaked in lye".

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings Will... Aw, Nevermind"

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "The Lutefisk Capital of the World". Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick Van Dyke Show". The show - about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city - was originally titled "Life Without Dick", but that was changed for some reason.

The state motto of Minnesota is, "Where even a man who wears a feather boa can grow up to be Governor."

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that an Eloi occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of spam a year, even though no one actually eats that crap.

The first water skis were invented in Lake City, Minnesota by Ralph Samuelson in 1922. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn't been invented yet.

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named "Pig's Eye", after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant. Its "twin city", Minneapolis, was known as "Pig's Colon".

The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1999. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.

Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.

In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. In 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the Blue Ox.

Yeah, Minnesota has a LOT of problems with statue cannibalism.

Minnesota licensce plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on Independence Day - You Get Used To It."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor nougat - chocolate, spam, and lutefisk.

The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926, Minnesota's stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.

Tonka Trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents.

No airbags, no seatbelts... these things are DEATHTRAPS, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born in Walnut Creek, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam Diet" - which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite.

Much like the "Lutefisk Diet".

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.

Contrary to popular myth, you can NOT buy a 1-ounce can of Coke in Minnesota.

Singer Judy Garland was born in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. All gay men are required by their religion to make a pilgrimmage there at least once in their lifetimes.

Hookers in Minnesota are easy to spot. They're the ones wearing crotchless parkas.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

...That wraps up the Minnesota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be wearing my "s" & "i" keys down to nubs as I type about Mississippi.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a closer look at that chick's parka.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:17 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 884 words, total size 6 kb.

1 Bahahahaha! And made even funnier that I am in Minneapolis right this second. Thanks for all of the tips, Harvey... I'll be on the lookout for cannibals.

Posted by: Richmond at June 27, 2006 02:04 PM (54otM)

2 I think we should start a fund to send Bug to Minnesota for a week or two.

Posted by: Tink at June 27, 2006 03:28 PM (8ztv6)

3 Boy, I can't wait until you get to New Jersey.

Posted by: Miriam at June 27, 2006 08:13 PM (MFuS2)

4 Harvey, down here we loved fried Spam. Maybe because it's easy to gum. And drunken former sailors will eat anything.

Posted by: Tennessee Budd at June 28, 2006 11:15 AM (wXSVh)

5 My Great Grandfather immigrated to Minnesota from Norway. He left there to move to the more comfortable and homey surroundings of the Alberta Prairie.

Posted by: Mickey Phillips at June 28, 2006 05:12 PM (R/co8)

6 HEH!!! My father's side of the family is from Madison, MN!!! It's actually a really nice town. It's got.... ... ... ... Ok it's got a statue of a fish at the town border. But it's a walleye so it's cool dang it!!

Posted by: Kevin at June 30, 2006 01:21 AM (Nmxi6)

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The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time to use your hand for a map, because we're headed off to Michigan, so let's get started...

Michigan became the 26th state on January 26th, 1837, and was originally a penal colony for disloyal Canadians who refused to say "eh?" at the end of every sentence.

If someone from Michigan flips you off, don't be offended. He's probably just trying to tell you to take I-75 to Mackinaw City.

Famous singer Madonna was born in Detriot, Michigan, which may explain why her bras looked like the hubcaps from a '57 Chevy.

Michingan's nickname is the "Wolverine State", even though there are no longer any wolverines in the state. The last Michigan wolverine died in 1872 when it was eaten by a badger while attempting to sneak across the border into Wisconsin.

Rogers City, Michigan boasts the world's largest limestone quarry, which is where Fred Flintstone used to work before he made it big in Hollywood.

Yes, I know Fred Flintstone lived in Bedrock, but he commuted.

Being surrounded by four of the five Great Lakes, Michigan has more bridges than any other state, most of which Ted Kennedy has driven off of at one time or another.

The Detroit Zoo does not keep its animals in cages, because they all know better than to wander the streets of Detroit after dark.

Industrialist Henry Ford was born in Dearborn, Michigan, and invented the assembly line to streamline the process of killing union agitators.

The world's largest crucifix is located in Indian River, Michigan. Requests from the National Endowment for the Arts to dip it in the world's largest jar of urine have so far been ignored.

The Ambassador Bridge connecting Michigan to Canada was built in 1953 and has since been heavily mined to prevent more talentless, hack actors like William Shatner from sneaking into our country.

No matter where you stand in Michigan, you're less than 100 miles from one of the Great Lakes. If you're in Detroit, you're also less than 100 feet from the scene of a violent crime.

Politician Thomas Dewey was born in Owosso, Michigan, and mentored Al Gore in how to lose a close election.

Most snowblowers sold in Michigan are manufactured in Detroit and come with 10-year/100,000 mile warranties.

They usually expire due to mileage.

The state flag of Michigan consists of a dark blue background over which is a lighter blue shield and the motto, "Cold like Wisconsin, but more recognizably hand-shaped".

The name Michigan comes from the Chippewa Indian word "Mishigawa", meaning "half my pocket change is Canadian, eh?"

Rock & Roll legend Ted Nugent was born in Detroit, Michigan, but left the state in 1982 after he ran out of animals to kill there.

Although the Western shore of Michigan has many large sand dunes, it has no camels as they were hunted to extinction by Ted Nugent in 1981.

James Vernor invented Ginger Ale in his Detroit pharmacy. It's one of the most popular drinks in the nation, except in Kansas, where it's regularly outsold by Mary Ann Ale.

Michigan is the only place in the world with a floating post office, which is frequently attacked by disgruntled former employees "going pirate".

Aviator Charles Lindbergh was born in Detroit Michigan. His solo flight across the Atlantic in 1927 was the first recorded instance of an American being glad to arrive in France.

Michigan has more than 11,000 lakes, all of which have - at one time or another - hidden Jimmy Hoffa.

In the 1950's & 60's, the prevalence of Detroit black singing groups created the style of music known as "Motown". Since the advent of rap, it's been called "Mofotown".

In 1929, The Michigan State Police established the world's first police radio system after inventing the chocolate glazed radio receiver.

The state reptile of Michigan is the Painted Turtle, or - as the natives refer to it - the Crunchy Speed Bump.

---

That wraps up the Michigan edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll STILL be frighteningly vulnerable to Canadian moose attacks as we explore Minnesota.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go jam out to some funky Mofotown grooves.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:38 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Although the podcast is still on hiatus, I just realized that I never posted the uncut Fun Facts About Massachusetts, therefore...

The version on the IMAO podcast (March 9th "Friends Don't Let Friends Shoot Friends in the Face") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below:

This week, it's time to go drunk driving with the Kennedys in Massachusetts, so let's get started...

Massachusetts became the 6th state on February 6th 1788, thereby stripping Pennsylvania of its coveted "hardest state name to spell correctly" title.

The state flag of Massachusetts consists of a white field emblazoned with a fat senator waving a gin bottle while driving off a bridge.

The state motto of Massachusetts is "The Yankees Suck!"

The state flower of Massachusetts is the gin blossom, which makes Ted Kennedy's face a protected state wilderness area.

The highest point in Massachusetts is Mt. Greylock at 3500 feet. It was recently re-named "Mt. Whitelock" after it successfully defeated a Balrog.

Massachusetts was nicknamed the Bay State because its large native population of werewolves spend a lot of time howling at the moon.

The word Massachusetts is a Narraganset Indian word meaning "Tribal elders say ok. Squaw can marry squaw".

Massachusetts has a population of 6 million people, all of whom have a harder time pronouncing the letter "R" than a busload of Japanese tourists.

The state song of Massachusetts is "The Theme From Brokeback Mountain".

Actor Jack Albertson was born in Malden, Massachusetts, and was best known for playing Grandpa Joe in the original version of "Teddy and the Whiskey Factory".

Salem, Massachusetts was the site of the infamous witch trials of 1692, where over 50 women were burned at the stake for weighing the same as a duck.

The first subway system was built in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1897. The subway cars were originally propelled by lashing an Irishman to the front and dangling a potato in front of him.

The town of Franklin, Massachusetts was NOT named in honor of Benjamin Franklin, as most people think, but rather for the token black kid in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special.

The city of Rockport, Massachusetts contains a house that's built entirely out of old newspapers. Visitors are requested not to jump to any hasty conclusions regarding why the toilet is made out of the New York Times.

The birth control pill was invented in Worcester, Massachusetts, and proved to be even more effective at preventing conception than attending a Star Trek Convention dressed as a Klingon.

Boston, Massachusetts takes its name from an Irish word meaning "crime-ridden cesspool".

The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 after the sword Excalibur was pulled from Plymouth Rock by Arthur, King of the Pilgrims.

Why, yes, I *was* watching "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" while reseaching these fun facts.

All the Founding Fathers threw tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party on December 16th, 1773, except for John Hancock, who was busy writing his name in the snow in letters large enough for King George to read without his glasses.

Massachusetts was originally settled by the cast of the British TV show, "Survivor: Plymouth".

Massachusetts is currently engulfed in a brutal civil war between Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme over which is the "One True Donut".

The Massachusetts tourism slogan is, "Man, woman, goat - whatever - if you can fit it into a wedding dress, you can marry it here."

On this day in 1985, Ted Kennedy successfully drove over a brige without killing anyone.

Well, technically he ran over a homeless guy, but that doesn't really count.

Soldiers from Massachusetts are the most feared of all American fighting men, since - being true Patriots - they always defeat their enemies with a last-second field goal.

Well, that wraps up the Massachusetts edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be taking a swing through the land of new cars and breakfast cereals as I visit Michigan.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish getting this goat into a wedding dress.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:09 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The version on the IMAO podcast (Feb 13th "It's About Something, We Think") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below...

This week, it's time to take a wrong turn at the Washington Monument and accidentally wind up in Maryland, so let's get started...

Maryland became the 7th state on April 28th, 1788 after it finally agreed to stop trying to invade Delaware to steal its oil.

The state bird of Maryland is the Oriole, which should NOT be confused with any similarly-named, chocolate-flavored, creme-filled sandwich cookies.

The state flag of Maryland is best described as, "a Picasso painting of a checkerboard as interpreted by Andy Warhol while very drunk and standing on one leg."

The state flower of Maryland is the Black-Eyed Susan, or - as it's referred to by feminists - the "Justifiable Homicide Plant".

The highest point in Maryland is Backbone Mountain. It's 3360 feet tall, and has never been climbed by a Frenchman.

The state motto of Maryland is, "Yup, pretty much just a suburb of DC".

Maryland's nickname of "The Old Line State" is somewhat of a misnomer, since most of its residents prefer to freebase their cocaine.

Maryland was named after Henrietta Maria, wife of King Charles I of England. They WERE going to call is "Henriettaland", but decided that sounded too much like some kind of pussycat-puppet-related theme park.

The lowest point in Maryland is Bloody Point Hole, at 174 feet below sea level. It used to be deeper, but Karl Rove's been using it a lot lately to dispose of "stifled dissenters", if you know what I mean.

Presidential assassin John Wilkes Booth was born in Bel Air, Maryland in 1838. Because of his high-profile crime, all US theaters now have "Marylander detectors" at each entrance as a security precaution.

Famous abolitionist Frederick Douglass was born in Tuckahoe, Maryland, which - and I can't emphasize this enough - starts with the letter "T", so really watch that left index finger while you're typing.

Another famous abolitionist - Harriet Tubman - was born in Dorchester County, Maryland and freed over 300 slaves during 20 trips between Maryland and Pennsylvania. Today, many black people honor her heroic journies by running up and down a wooden court for an hour, symbolically helping basketballs escape slavery by throwing them through "freedom hoops".

Gaithersburg, Maryland is home to the National Institute of Standards and Technology. It employs over 3000 pimply-faced geek-boys, none of whom have yet kissed a real girl.

National Anthem author Francis Scott Key was born in Frederick, Maryland, where he spent his formative years blowing stuff up and writing poetry about the explosions.

Baseball Hall-of-Famer Babe Ruth grew up in Baltimore, Maryland, and developed his legendary slugging prowess by working as a knee-cap breaker for local loan sharks.

The United States Naval Academy was founded on October 10, 1845 at Annapolis, Maryland. Coincidentally, the United States Hooker Academy was founded across the street the next day.

The first cathedral in the US was built in Baltimore, Maryland in 1821, mostly to clear the streets of the numerous drunken Irishmen passed out in the gutters.

Annapolis, Maryland once served as the capital of the US, but the Congressional building was eventually moved to Washington, D.C. to make room for the United States Hooker Academy.

The first dental school in the US opened at the University of Maryland in 1840. The early facilities were quite primitive, and the first class taught there was a course in how to make a set of dentures out of duct tape and roofing nails.

The Concord Point lighthouse is the oldest continuously operated lighthouse in Maryland, because no one in the state is smart enough to figure out how to operate the light switch.

Maryland was originally populated by confused colonists from Virginia who wandered too far north and got stuck in snowbanks.

Kind of explains the light switch thing, doesn't it?

The highest waterfall in Maryland is Muddy Creek Falls. At 63 feet tall, it's actually large enough for Michael Moore to fit underneath it, unless he's laying on his back.

In 1790 Maryland rounded up all the lawyers in the state and threw them into a fetid swamp near the southern border of the state, now known as Washington, D.C.

The first successful manned hot air balloon launch occurred in Baltimore, Maryland in 1784. The pilot - Edward Warren - reportedly described his trip as "a great way to peek down the front of women's dresses."

The state song of Maryland is "Maybe We Should've Killed Those Lawyers Before We Threw Them In That Swamp".

Well, that wraps up the Maryland edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be swerving off a bridge with Ted Kennedy as I visit Massachusetts.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a hot air balloon ride.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:58 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 886 words, total size 5 kb.

The version on the IMAO podcast (#19 - November 14th) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, it's time to buy grossly overpriced lobster-shaped souveniers, because we're headed up to Maine, so let's get started...

Maine became the 23rd state on March 15th, 1820 and also became the only state with a one-syllable name after they shortening it from "Mainingtonia".

The state bird of Maine is the chickadee, and NOT the much more common Cracker-Barrel Buzzard or Bald Coot.

The state flag of Maine consists of a blue background behind an image of a moose sleeping under a tree, which symbolizes the state's large population of lazy Canadians.

Maine is one of America's largest producers of leather products, most of which are exported to San Francisco during Gay Pride Week.

The state flower of Maine is the pine cone. Although most people wouldn't be dumb enough to confuse a pine cone with a flower, keep in mind that some people actually consider Dan Rather to be a journalist, too.

The state motto of Maine is, "Fleecing tourists is fun!"

90% of America's toothpick supply is produced in Maine, and I'll be those idiots probably think THOSE are flowers, too.

The state song of Maine is "Rock Lobster", by the B52's.

The state tree of Maine is the white pine... which obviously means they're racist.

The top prize in Maine's state lottery is having Stephen King personally bury your dismembered corpse in his back yard.

Eastport, Maine is the easternmost city in the US, and therefore the best place from which to launch a nuclear strike against France.

Not that... you know... America is actually PLANNING anything like that...

Hey... I'm just saying we should keep our options OPEN, people!

Maine is the only state in the US that shares a border with only one other state. It's nothing personal, it's just that a LOT of dead lobsters wash up on the beach, and no one wants to be next to a state that smells like Roseanne Barr's underwear.

Every year, 4 million lobsters are caught off the coast of Maine - most of them on their way to Canada to buy cheap prescription drugs.

Maine produces 99% of America's blueberries, which is why most blueberries can't pronounce the word "car" correctly.

Maine was originally settled by Canadians who were searching for the religious freedom to worship their pagan moose-god, Bullwinkle.

Freeport Maine is home to the LL Bean Company, purveyors of fine outdoor clothing. This may explain why Maine's license plates are made out of plaid flannel.

Although Maine has many old lighthouses, they are rarely lit these days except by brave Hobbits attempting to signal the armies of Rohan.

The first naval battle of the Revolutionary War was fought off the coast of Maine in 1775. It was technically a draw, since both the American and British crews were devoured by giant radioactive lobsters.

The state insect of Maine is the honeybee, and most farmers who raise them still milk them by hand while sitting on a tiny stool.

Most small towns in Main still govern themselves through the use of "Town Hall Meetings", which consist of a series of boring speeches, followed by a picnic and ritual cannibalism on the Town Commons.

All new mothers in Maine face the difficult choice of whether to bottle feed their babies or give them their clam chowder straight from the breast.

A great deal of Maine consists of marshy swampland. Sorta like Florida, except that in Maine, all the gators were eaten by giant radioactive lobsters.

If you go to a bar in Maine, you'll be tempted to try the "Moose Meat Margarita". Resist.

Well, that wraps up the Maine edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be desperately wondering if there's ANYTHING funny to say about Maryland.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go out and milk the honeybees.

Posted by: Harvey at 07:22 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 733 words, total size 4 kb.

The version on the IMAO podcast (#18 - October 31) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, lift your shirt and earn some shiny beads - we're headed to Louisiana. So... let's get started...

Louisiana became the 18th state on April 30th 1812, mostly to make President Madison's wife stop nagging him about "when are you going to get up off your butt and do something with all that land west of the Mississippi?"

Ya know, it wasn't Manifest Destiny that built this country, it was naggy wives.

The state bird of Louisiana is the brown pelican, whose enormous beak could, in theory, hold enough beer to get an Irishman drunk.

The state boat of Louisiana is Noah's Ark.

Louisiana is the source of most of America's seafood, and annnually produces more shrimp than a Wizard of Oz cast party.

The state motto of Louisiana is "Help! I can't swim!"

The state flower of Louisiana is the magnolia... although that may soon change to the water lily.

The highest point in Louisiana is Mt. Driskoll, at 535 feet, while the lowest point is [insert gurgling sound here].

Louisiana was named after the French King, Louis the 14th, and NOT after the French pronunciation of "lousy, ain't it?"

The official soil of Louisiana is silt.

Louisiana has the tallest state capitol building in the US. It's 450 feet tall, and is capable of holding nearly a week's supply of the Governor's bribe money.

The state song of Louisiana is Led Zeppelin's, "When the Levee Breaks".

The US acquired the Louisiana territory from France in 1803 in exchange for $15 million dollars in gold and a promise to stop referring to the French as "surrender monkeys".

HA! Stupid, gullible, surrender monkeys!

The state tree of Louisiana is whichever one Katrina didn't knock down. Probably an oak tree in Shreveport, or something.

Jazz Great Louis Armstrong was born in New Orleans, Louisiana. His famous song, "What a Wonderful World", describes his feelings about moving out of the state.

Rock & Roll legend Jerry Lee Lewis was born in Ferriday, Louisiana on September 29th, 1935. Although he DID at one point marry his 13-year-old cousin, he was NOT actually a degenerate pedophile - just Southern.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana hosted the Special Olympics in 1983, prompting accusations from Alabama that it was actually just a scheme to raise the state's standardized test scores.

Louisiana is famous for its many slow-moving rivers or "bayous". The word "bayou" is a Choctaw Indian word meaning "Frenchman's urinal".

The first governor of Louisiana chose the pelican as the state bird because it is such a devoted parent that it would tear at its own flesh to feed its young rather than let them starve. The governor was so impressed by this that he substituted "the rich" for "flesh", and thus was born the Louisiana tax system.

The state dog of Louisiana is the Water Spaniel.

St. Joseph Cemetary in Rayne, Louisiana is the only cemetary in the US where the graves have a north-south orientation. All other cemetaries are laid out in a pentagram pattern to facilitate raising the dead via unholy rituals.

The city of Kaplan, Louisiana is known as the Cajunest Place on Earth and is home to the famous Gumbo World theme park and resort.

The city of New Orleans was once a haven for pirates, which may explain why most of the post-Katrina looters had parrots & eye-patches.

The Old Town Hall Museum in Pineville, Louisiana is the only museum in the US devoted to municipal government. While there, don't miss the Graft & Corruption exhibit in the Huey P. Long Memorial Corruptitorium.

At the age of 13, all young males in Louisiana undergo a ceremonial rite of passage wherein they finally learn the horrifying truth - that Mardi Gras is NOT a national holiday.

They are NOT told, however, the horrifying truth that they are descended from the French, as this would completely destroy their fragile minds.

Whether you pronounce it "New Or-lins", "New Or-leenz", "New Or-le-ans", or even "Nawlins", SOMEONE in Louisiana will correct your pronunciation.

When they do, tell the annoying little SOB that he's descended from the French. THAT will shut him up.

Well, that wraps up the Louisiana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be getting mugged by gangs of feral lobsters in Maine.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go *ahem* "use the bayou".

Posted by: Harvey at 12:09 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 815 words, total size 5 kb.

The version on the IMAO podcast (#17 - October 19) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, it's time to put the K in KFC, because we're headed out to Kentucky, so let's get started...

Kentucky became the 15th state on June 1, 1792, despite the fact that no one in the state can actually count that high.

The state sport of Kentucky is horse racing, mostly because you can't lose your license for "riding under the influence".

In Kentucky, spitting tobacco juice on someone is considered a friendly greeting, much like the "up yours!" of a New York cabbie.

Kentucky is one of America's leading coal-mining states. Coal miners are easily recognizable by their almost Frenchman-like layer of black filth.

The state flag of Kentucky consists of a blue background behind two pickups and a still.

While attending church services in Kentucky, remember that - traditionally - the collection plate is passed BEFORE the spittoon.

They get REALLY upset when you get that wrong.

The state reality TV show of Kentucky is the Jerry Springer show, or - as it's known locally - "Southern Survivor".

When visiting a Civil War battlefield in Kentucky, try not to laugh out loud if the guide mentions how "we purt' near won that battle".

The state flower of Kentucky is Goldenrod, which should not be confused with that crappy James Bond movie starring Pierce Brosnan.

The state motto of Kentucky is "United we stand, divided we fall, drunk we pass out."

This replaced the old motto of "4 million people, 15 last names".

There are no newspapers in Kentucky, as being literate is considered snooty.

Although Kentucky is bordered by seven different states, Kentuckians rarely shop across state lines, since most stores in other states have firm "no shoes, no teeth, no service" policies.

Kentucky's nickname is the Bluegrass state.

Yeah, we all know grass is GREEN, but if you try to tell THEM that, they'll think you're just being snooty.

Kentucky is the only state in the US where drivers routinely hit their brakes before running over banjo players.

The electric lightbulb was first demonstrated at the Southern Exposition in Louisville, Kentucky in 1883, but was dismissed by locals as just another passing fad, like horseless carriages and soap.

Kentucky's name comes from the Iroquois Indian word "Ken-tah-ten", which means, "wife... sister... what's the difference?"

The state song of Kentucky is the Hee Haw Theme.

Kentucky has a population of 4 million people, all of whom are nicknamed Bubba.

Except for the women, of course, who are nicknamed Bubba Mae.

Or Auntie Mom.

The state tree of Kentucky is whichever one the Governor drives into while drunk. This week it's the tulip poplar.

The Kentucky Derby is the oldest continuously-run horse race in America, and was the inspiration for such other races as the Kentucky Stetson and the Kentucky Yarmulke.

Heather French became the first Miss America from Kentucky in 1999. She beat out Miss Alabama by correctly answering the question, "What is a toothbrush used for?"

Colonel Harlan Sanders opened his first fried chicken restaurant in Corbin, Kentucky in 1952. It was hugely successful, unlike his earlier chain of Kentucky Fried Possum.

Both Abraham Lincoln and Confederate President Jefferson Davis were born in Kentucky. They attended the same school as John Wilkes Booth, who routinely beat them both up and stole their lunch money.

The song "Happy Birthday To You" was written by two sisters from Louisville, Kentucky in 1893, and was originally titled, "I'm Too Cheap to Buy You a Present".

The first enamel bathtub was made in Louisville, Kentucky in 1856 and was immediately destroyed by a mob of angry hillbillies.

The world's largest cave is in Kentucky's Mammoth Cave National Park. Its vast, dark, emptiness is frequently compared to a Hillary Clinton presidency.

Well, that wraps up the Kentucky edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be slogging through the bayous of Louisiana

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue my bathtub from angry hillbillies.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:51 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 What? WHAT? No mention of cheap liquor and tobacco in the KY? I'm not even gonna bring up the subject of bats... Baseball bats that is. You know, Louisville Sluggers... Damn Harv' do you Redneck homework will you please?

Posted by: RedNeck at November 06, 2005 11:42 AM (3Z5dW)

2 Oh yeah, a couple more things... I meant Your, not you, homework, and you forgot to bring up the sweet deals on fireworks one can procure whilst passin' through...

Posted by: RedNeck at November 06, 2005 11:45 AM (3Z5dW)

3 The problem with procuring fireworks in Kentucky is actually having to GO to Kentucky to get them! *runs away*

Posted by: the Humble Devildog at November 06, 2005 12:07 PM (hcTHz)

4 Man on man, no mention of the Kentucky Horse Park? The famous park that houses retired Derby winners and has a famous Derby winning horse bured there. And couple of famous other horses, but I don't think Mr. Ed is there and that is not a good question to ask people in Kentucky either. They take their horses way to seriously there. I would compare their love of horses to a Montana mans love of sheep.

Posted by: Machelle at November 07, 2005 07:29 AM (ZAyoW)

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The version on the IMAO podcast (#16 - Oct 12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, it's time to follow the yellow brick road out to Kansas, so let's get started...

Kansas became the 34th state on January 29th, 1861 because America needed to meet its Affirmative Action quota for stolen Indian land.

Kansas was originally populated by people from Iowa who just couldn't handle that state's hectic, fast-paced lifestyle anymore.

The state bird of Kansas is the meadowlark, whose beautiful song failed to impress Simon during an American Idol audition.

The state flower of Kansas is the sunflower, the seeds of which are highly poisonous and can only be cured with high doses of steroids.

At least according to the Major League Baseball Player's Union.

Kansas lies along the eastern edge of Colorado, but sometimees sneaks across the border in the dead of night to steal the occasional mountain.

Kansas normally maintains a constant temperature of 72 degrees all year long, but sometimes impish tornadoes mess with the thermostat when no one's looking.

At just over 4000 feet, Mt. Sunflower is the highest point in Kansas.

And yeah, they stole it from Colorado. Dirty, thieving Kansasians!

The state flag of Kansas consists of a blue background behind a wicked witch and four flying monkeys.

Members of the Kansas Board of Education voted to outlaw the teaching of evolution in Kansas schools to avoid offending monkeys who were outraged at the suggestion that they evolved from hippies.

The state song of Kansas is "We're Not Too Crazy About Newton's Theory of Gravity, Either".

The state motto of Kansas is "Flat, boring, and full of wheaty goodness. We're like America's snack cracker!"

The word Kansas comes from a Sioux Indian word meaning "Probably not a good place to build a ski resort".

Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world's largest ball of twine. It contains over 300 miles of string and 73 slow kittens.

Kansas has a population of 2.6 million people, but surprisingly, NONE of them have ever seen "The Wizard of Oz", and they'll just stare at you blankly if you refer to someone's dog as Toto.

The state tree of Kansas is the cottonwood tree, which is used to make very splintery T-shirts.

The first female Mayor in the US was Susan Salter, elected in Argonia, Kansas in 1887. However, she was soon driven out of office due to a scandalous affair with her intern, Marvin Lewinsky

No relation to Monica, although, he WAS rumored to occasionally wear a blue dress.

The dial telephone was invented by Almon Stowger of El Dorado, Kansas and was a vast improvement over earlier models which required the user to make different animal noises for each digit.

The 34th President of the US - Dwight Eisenhower - was born in Abilene, Kansas. His portrait was removed from the dollar coin in 1979, but still remains on most Chuck E. Cheese game tokens.

In exchange for the relatively low income tax rate, citizens of Kansas are required to spend one week each year working in one of the state's wheat mines.

Kansas has the lowest suicide rate of any state in the US, mostly because there's nothing high enough to jump off of.

The state sport of Kansas is WheatBall, which is even less exciting than it sounds.

The state constitution of Kansas guarantees its citizens the right to keep and bear tornadoes.

Mostly as a defense against any flying monkeys that might their way over the rainbow from Oz.

Kansas has the largest population of wild grouse in the US. These birds are also known as "prairie chickens" or "meadow Frenchmen".

There are over 500 caves in Kansas. The fact that Bruce Wayne owns all of them does NOT prove that he's Batman.

Last year, Kansas grew 500 million bushels of wheat, which, if it were all made into bread, would be enough to feed Michael Moore lunch.

Well, that wraps up the Kansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be out shopping for moonshine in Kentucky.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go play a game of WheatBall... yay.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:04 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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(Since the new podcast is finally up, I guess it's safe to post the Fun Facts from the previous podcast.)

The version on the IMAO podcast (#15 - Sept 12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, it's time to fire up the ol' combine, because we're headed out to Iowa, so let's get started...

Iowa became the 29th state on December 28th, 1846, after Congress finally persuaded the state to change its name from "Corntopia".

The state flag of Iowa consists of three vertical stripes of blue, white, and red, much like the French flag. To prevent confusion, the white section of Iowa's flag contains the international symbol for "No Surrender Monkeys".

The state bird of Iowa is the goldfinch, which should not be confused with any criminal masterminds who tried to kill James Bond.

Iowa contains exactly 99 counties. The legendary "lost 100th county" is currently being sought by a ragtag band of spaceships fleeing from the evil Cylon Empire.

Geographically, Iowa is one of the flattest states in the US, but it IS considering getting implants so that South Dakota will FINALLY pay attention to it.

Iowa was nicknamed the "Hawkeye State" after the popular deep-fried delicacy served in most of the state's taverns.

The 31st president of the US - Herbert Hoover - was born in West Branch, Iowa. The Hoover Dam was named in his honor, since its construction was made possible by his invention of the concrete beaver.

The state song of Iowa is "Corn! Corn! Corn!", which consists entirely of people singing the word "corn" for 5 minutes, and was the inspiration for Monthy Python's "Spam" sketch.

The state tree of Iowa is the oak tree, because... well, they had to choose SOMETHING, and since corn doesn't grow on trees, they figured acorns were close enough.

Burlington, Iowa is home to Snake Alley, the crookedest street in America, which rates an impressive 9.5 on the Kofi Annan crookedness scale.

Strawberry Point, Iowa is home to the world's largest strawberry. It's 10 feet tall, weighs 500 pounds, and subsists on a diet of migrant farm workers.

The world's smallest city park is in Hiteman, Iowa, and consists of a single blade of grass growing through a crack in the sidewalk.

And yes, keeping it mowed IS a union job. How did you guess?

Iowa has more people of Norwegian extraction than it does black people, which is why pickled herring is sold at basketball games.

Or WOULD be, if Iowa had enough black people to put together an NBA team.

You know that team that the Harlem Globetrotters always beat in exhibition games? They're all from Iowa.

Crystal Lake, Iowa has a statue of the world's largest bullhead fish, which was finally caught in 1982 by a hockey-mask-wearing serial killer.

Kalona, Iowa is the largest Amish settlement west of the Mississippi. It was founded in 1858 by ultraconservative Amish who were sick of those Pennsylvania harlots shamelessly flaunting their naked wrists.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa is home to the world's largest breakfast cereal company - Quaker Oats - which also makes other funny-hat-wearing, religion-related cereals, like Islam Puffs, Jew Chex, and Pope-ee-o's.

In Scrabble, Iowa is worth 7 points, which, coincidentally, is the same number of points awarded for running down a pedestrian while playing Grand Theft Auto: Des Moines.

Dubuque, Iowa is frequently the site of violent turf wars between rival gangs of Hicks and Bumpkins.

Johnny Carson was born in Corning, Iowa in 1925. Had he been born 50 years later, his homely face and mediocre comedic talent would've prevented any career in the entertainment industry, except for maybe IMAO Podcaster.

Native Iowans are easily identifiable by their unique ability to actually locate Iowa on a map.

Iowa has a population of nearly 3 million people, all of whom will punch you right in the freakin' nose if you tell one more stupid corn joke.

The state vegetable of Iowa is corn, which [punching sound effect] OW! MY FREAKIN' NOSE!

Well, that wraps up the Iowa edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be stealing some ruby slippers & riding a cyclone to Kansas.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put some ice on my freakin' nose... ow...

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The version on the IMAO podcast (#14) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, grab your racing gear because we're headed to Indiana, so let's get started...

Indiana became the 19th state on December 11th, 1816. It's residents are nicknamed "Hoosiers", which is a Chippewa Indian word meaning "What the hell does that word mean?"

The city of Gary, Indiana was named after Gary Coleman, and is populated entirely by black midgets.

Singer Michael Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana, but was eventually exiled from the city for being too tall and too white.

The state bird of Indiana is Larry

Natives of Indiana are the only people in the US who can say "French Lick" or "Ball State" without giggling.

Beaver City, however, makes EVERYONE snicker.

Actor James Dean was born in Marion, Indiana, but soon left the state, as all cool things do.

Indiana is SO boring that people will actually PAY MONEY to watch other people drive around in circles. No wonder James Dean left.

Crazed socialist nutjob and vocal World War I protestor Eugene V. Debs was born in Terre Haute, Indiana. He was sorta like an early version of Jane Fonda, except less skanky.

The state of Indiana was once 80% forest, but over the years has lost 3/4 of its trees to hordes of plundering Amish furniture-makers.

Indiana is home to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, which - with relative safety - combines public drunkenness and reckless driving.

25% of people in Indiana are of German extraction, leading to occasional blitzkriegs into Ohio and Illinois.

Indiana has more covered bridges than any other state, mostly so that the bridges don't go around flaunting their sexuality and frightening the Amish.

Some of the more rural parts of Indiana only accept farm animals as currency. However, a lot of the small-town general stores DO take MasterCow.

Although people in northern Indiana must contend with long, harsh winters, at least they're safe from the cruel assault of bluegrass festivals that plague the southern part of the state.

The state flag of Indiana consists of a solid blue background with a flaming torch surrounded by 19 stars. This celebrates the state's historical tradition of burning Indian villages to steal land for white people.

The state flower of Indiana is the peony which - being large, pink, round, and smelly - perfectly represents the people of the state.

The city of Santa Claus, Indiana has a 20-foot statute of the jolly old elf at the outskirts of the town, which is usually covered in graffiti by gangs from the nearby cities of Grinch and Scrooge.

Indiana has only 40 miles of shoreline along Lake Michigan, most of which is covered by the corpes of people who hired non-union labor which wash in from Chicago.

The highest point in Indiana is only 1200 feet above sea level. Geographically speaking, if Indiana were a woman, it'd be Olive Oyl.

Traditionally, Jewish people in Indiana wear yarmulkes made out of used Indy Car tires.

Well... they WOULD... if there were actually any Jews in Indiana.

Indiana's state tourism motto is "Hope you brought something to do."

The city of Peru, Indiana was known as the "Circus Capital of America" until 1952 when it was wiped out by an epidemic of Mad Clown Disease.

South Bend, Indiana is home to Notre Dame College. Their nickname - The Fighting Irish - is considered offensive by some, but it's still better than previous nicknames such as the Brawling Bog-Trotters and the Surly Spud-Munchers.

Stainless steel was invented in Kokomo, Indiana by Elwood Haynes in a desperate bid to get his wife to stop naggging him to "polish the damn silverware!".

Singers Axl Rose and John Cougar Mellencamp are both natives of Indiana. In a knife fight between Rose and Mellencamp, bet on the guy with the most tattoos.

That wraps up the Indiana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be making three solid minutes of corn jokes because we're headed to Iowa.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put fifty bucks on Axl Rose.

Posted by: Harvey at 03:29 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 "South Bend, Indiana is home to Notre Dame College. Their nickname - The Fighting Irish - is considered offensive by some, but it's still better than previous nicknames such as the Brawling Bog-Trotters and the Surly Spud-Munchers." LOL!!! I cannot wait for Tamilicious to see that one!

Posted by: Bou at September 10, 2005 08:05 PM (5JHEt)

2 Oh I saw it....silly Harvey - putting that up there the day BEFORE I cook for him......

Posted by: Tammi at September 10, 2005 09:30 PM (75hCw)

3 GO IRISH! At least Notre Dame's team isn't named after a drink, like another team from Indiana....

Posted by: the Humble Devildog at September 10, 2005 10:44 PM (hcTHz)

4 ROFL!!! The state motto killed me--because it's so true! I also was happy to hear that the hoards of plundering Amish furniture-makers are finally getting some press---send FEMA!!!

Posted by: Susie at September 11, 2005 01:27 AM (nekkG)

5 I believe a version of the name game for Indiana is "South Bend is in Northern Indiana, North Vernon is in Southern Indiana, and French Lick isn't anything at all what it sounds like." And does Notre Dame football freaking rock, or what?

Posted by: greg at September 11, 2005 03:52 PM (20/vO)

6 War Cry: Hoosier Daddy!

Posted by: rvman at September 15, 2005 03:55 PM (JKNp5)

7 These would be less funny if they weren't true.. Painfully true. Almost as good as Jim Gaffigan (he's from my hometown)"I'm from Indiana... and I'm gonna move." Thanks Harvey!!!

Posted by: Alli at September 22, 2005 05:28 PM (9BW95)

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The version on the IMAO podcast (#13) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below

This week, we're stopping in the heartland of America to visit Illinois, so let's get started...

Illinois became the 21st state on December 3rd, 1818, and - except for Arkansas - is the only state that carries the death penalty for pronouncing the S at the end of the state's name.

Politically, Illinois is like 2 states in one. The Chicago area - which is urban and heavily Democratic - and the rest of the state, which is rural and sane.

Chicago politicians are easily identifiable by their colorful "Bribe me!" lapel pins.

During the Civil War, Illinois was bitterly divided between those who wanted black people to vote and those who wanted to restrict the franchise to white people and the dead.

10% of Illinois' economy is based on the production of various corn products. The other 90% consists of official "Just wait 'till next year!" logo Cubs merchandise.

Although Illinois borders both Lake Michigan and the Mississippi River, most citizens get their water from large, camel-like humps on their backs.

Every year, millions of Illinoisans head north to the Wisconsin Dells to spend their money on water parks, souveniers, and speeding tickets.

Illinois is currently experiencing rapid population growth because an Illinoisan's only natural predator is the Wisconsin State Highway Patrol.

Few people shop at the malls in Illinois due to the twin hazards of high sales taxes and recklessly-driving Blues musicians.

The first skyscraper was built in Chicago in 1895. When completed, it was 9 stories tall and was immediately destroyed by God for using non-union labor.

At least according to the Teamsters who witnessed the event.

Thanks to Illinois' strict gun control laws, you may wander about freely after dark without having to worry about being mugged by a law-abiding citizen.

Due to the extremely harsh winters in Illinois, natives of the state grow thick coats of fur to protect them from the elements, and are frequently clubbed to death by Alaskan tourists.

People from Chicago like to brag about their "Chicago-style" pizza, but it's really just regular pizza sprinkled with bits of people who hired non-union labor.

Springfield is the capitol of Illinois. While there, be sure to visit Lincoln's Tomb and Moe's Tavern.

The state dance of Illinois is the Square Dance.

Except in certain parts of Chicago, where it's the "I NEED CRACK!" jitterbug.

Chicago was setting for George Romero's movie "Night of the Voting Dead".

The Sears Tower in Chicago is the tallest building in North America and contains enough office space to hold a year's supply of Twinkies for Michael Moore.

The state tree of Illinois is the White Oak, which is just plain racist.

The state snack of Illinois is popcorn. MORE racism!

The first McDonald's restaurant opened in Des Plaines, Illinois in 1940 after the McDonald brothers perfected their technique for making thin, round patties out of rat turds and sawdust.

Early in the church's history, the Mormons settled in Nauvoo, Illinois, but moved to Utah after the Iroquois Indians gave them smallpox and stole their land.

During the Civil War, Illinois was home to the notorious Rock Island prison camp, where it's estimated that over 100,000 Confederate prisoners were either starved to death or denied access to Korans.

13% of Illinois' population is foreign-born. Mostly Irishmen who ran out of money while travelling to Idaho's annual Spud-Fest.

People from Chicago must pass a literacy test before they are allowed to vote, which consists of correctly identifying the letter "D".

It was the original French settlers who chose the White-Tailed Deer as the Illinois state animal. They looked upon it as a kindred spirit, since it appeared to be raising a white flag while fleeing at the first sign of danger.

Chicago is home to the world's largest public library. Sadly, not enough of the books have pictures to make it of any use to the Irish.

The city of Bloomington, Illinois consists of 60% women and 40% men. Even Frank J. could get lucky there.

If he weren't... you know... already attached.

SarahK's gonna kill me now, isn't she?

In 1999 the city of Kankakee, Illinois was voted "America's Worst Place to Live". It improved to "America's Best Place to Live" after the city implemented its "free breast implant" program.

That wraps up the Illinois edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sneaking eastward across the border into Indiana.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat some popcorn because I'm a racist.

If you visit a state that borders Illinois, you may hear Illinois tourists referred to as "FIB's", which stands for Fine Illinois Brethren.

If you're FROM one of those border states, then you know I just lied to you.

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Fun Facts About Idaho: The Director's Cut

The version on the IMAO podcast (#12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below

This week, we're taking a spud-tastic trip to Idaho, so let's get started...

Idaho became the 43rd state on July 3rd, 1890, despite objections from Illinois, Indiana, and Iowa that there were already too many states beginning with the letter "I".

Gutzon Borglum, the sculptor of Mount Rushmore, was born in Bear Lake, Idaho. He did his famous work in South Dakota after ruining every mountain in Idaho trying to get Washington's nose just right.

Idaho has only one radio station, but since all the surrounding mountains ruin the reception, it has only a handful of listeners. Although this may also be because it carries Air America.

Idaho is America's largest lumber producer and the only state in the US with a National Forest consisting entirely of stumps.

The word "Idaho" comes from the Crow Indian word, "E-dah-how", meaning "Is there ANY month when it doesn't snow around here?"

The tourism motto of Idaho is "Cold and boring like Canada, except with more gun-crazed right-wing militias".

The state tree of Idaho is the stump.

Because of the long distances between cities in Idaho, most trucks carry an emergency Hyundai in the glove compartment.

If your Hyundai doesn't work and you become stranded in Idaho, it's traditional to wait three hours before resorting to cannibalism.

Idaho is home to numerous private militias, which, like their revolutionary forefathers, have orders to shoot anyone wearing a red coat.

Idaho state law requires all registered Democrats to wear a red coat to the polls on election day.

Hell's Canyon in Idaho is 7900 feet deep, which makes it both deeper than the Grand Canyon AND a great place to throw registered Democrats after election day.

Although normally a peaceful city, Boise, Idaho occasionally erupts with violent gunfights between rival gangs of skiers and snowboarders.

The state bird of Idaho is the Bluebird, a shameful choice which clearly discriminates against the colorblind.

Elk River, Idaho is home to the states largest tree. At nearly 200 feet tall, it's estimated that this single tree contains enough wood to build a chair capable of supporting Michael Moore.

In Idaho, it's illegal to give someone a box of candy weighing more than 50 pounds, which is why Rosie O'Donnell will never play the Boise Improv.

Well, that, and she'd end up in Hell's Canyon after election day.

Idaho is home to North America's largest sand dune. It's 470 feet tall, and is visited annually by over 1 million stray cats looking for a place to pee.

Appaloosa horses originated in Idaho and were first bred by the local Indians as a war animal. Today, this hearty breed is still highly prized for its thick armor plating.

The largest diamond ever found in the US was a 20-carat stone discovered in McCall, Idaho, which then changed its name to Bling City.

Being a large but sparsely populated state, land is incredibly cheap in Idaho. However, due to high transportation costs for lumber, you can't afford to build a house on your property unless you make it out of potatoes.

The first nuclear power plant in the US was built in Arco, Idaho in 1953, but was destroyed in 1955 by giant mutant sheep.

Arco is now known as the "Radioactive sweater capital of the world".

The firefighting ax was invented in Wallace, Idaho after giant mutant sheep drank the town's entire water supply.

Beaver Canyon, near the city of Spencer, Idaho, is rumored to be the site of a huge fortune in buried treasure. No one has found it yet because they're too busy giggling at the canyon's name to search for it.

In 1925, the entire city of American Falls, Idaho was moved to make way for the American Falls Dam. The dam itself was recently moved to make way for a Wal-Mart.

Thanks for the Kelo decision, Supreme Court!

Jackasses.

Television was invented in Rigby, Idaho, which may explain the city's frighteningly low scores on standardized tests.

In 1896, Butch Cassidy robbed the bank in Montpelier, Idaho, after being screwed out of his free tote bag when he opened a checking account there.

Idaho law forbids children from deliberately stepping on ants. The kids don't mind too much, however, since pistol-whipping them is still legal.

That wraps up the Idaho edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we're off to the Land of Lincoln for a look at Illinois.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pistol-whip some ants.

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My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below

This week, grab your lei because we're going to Hawaii, so let's get started...

Hawaii became the 50th state on August 21st 1959, and is the only state in the US made up entirely of islands.

At least until California's next earthquake.

The Native Hawaiian alphabet contains only 12 letters, making it less than half as difficult to pass a sobriety test there.

Hawaii has five cities with a population over 100,000, none of which I can pronounce without hurting myself.

Contrary to the popular stereotype, not all native Hawaiians wear grass skirts and do the hula dance. Just the men.

Well, the gay ones, anyway.

Hawaii is home to numerous species of beautifully colored butterflies. Unfortunately, they have a taste for human eyeballs, so you probably shouldn't look at them.

Hawaii has no bridges connecting its islands, but if it did, Ted Kennedy would still drive into the water.

Native Hawaiians all have dark skin, straight black hair, and brown eyes. Sorta like Mexicans, except without the "sneaking across the border" part.

Most Dole pineapples are grown in Hawaii, and should NOT be confused with former Senator Bob Dole, since most pineapples could beat Bill Clinton in a Presidential election.

Hawaiian pineapples also refrain from referring to themselves in the third person.

Despite the impression given by the TV show "Magnum, P.I.", most Hawaiians don't have the same moustache as Saddam Hussein.

However, I hear the John Bolton look is becoming quite trendy.

The Hawaiian Islands are actually a chain of active volcanoes. Except for Mount Kilauea, which is dormant and serves as the hidden lair of an evil genius bent on global domination.

The main mode of sea transportation in Hawaii is the outrigger canoe. On land, it's hopping around and yelling, "OW! This lava's burning my feet! OW! OW! OW!"

The word "Hawaii" comes from the native Hawaiian word "Owhyhee", which means "That drink's gonna cost ya 15 bucks, ya stupid tourist! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

While vacationing in Hawaii, someone may approach you on the beach and offer to take your picture. Don't fall for this scam. He's actually trying to steal your soul with his evil voodoo box. Run away screaming.

Although it never snows in Hawaii, "Sno-Cones" are a very popular treat. However, you'll probably want to avoid the so-called "lemon-flavored" yellow ones.

No, I *didn't* enjoy my Hawaiian vacation, but thanks for asking.

Much like Illinois, Hawaii has no professional football team worth mentioning.

While at the beach in Hawaii, never turn your back on the ocean, lest scurvy pirates take you unawares. YARRRRR!

Again - NOT a good vacation.

If you have an extended stay in Hawaii, remember that ALL goods must be imported to this tiny island state. In the event of a Longshoreman's strike, always booby trap your precious horde of toilet paper to discourage theft.

Although Native Hawaiians never wear shoes this is NOT an invitation to play "this little piggy" with them.

Hawaii Five-O was a fictional TV show, and is NOT an actual crime-fighting organization. If you're the victim of a crime while visiting Hawaii, you'll have to take matters into your own hands by shooting people at random until you've calmed down.

The temperature in Hawaii almost never falls below 60 degrees Fahrenheit. At 59 degrees, native Hawaiians freeze solid and will shatter at the slightest touch.

If you accidentally shatter a Hawaiian, blame another tourist and escape during the ensuing confusion.

The state sport of Hawaii is shark-feeding... oh... sorry... "surfing".

While relaxing at the beach in Hawaii, tip your waiter generously, or don't be surprised when you wake up from your little nap by the ocean with the word "DORK" written in sunscreen across your chest.

Yeah... REALLY bad vacation.

In Hawaii, bikinis and speedos are considered acceptable attire at even the most formal events. As long as you can remember that "eye-contact" involves actually lifting your head, you'll be fine.

Good luck on THAT one, ya perv.

That wraps up the Hawaii edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be enjoying the potato-rich countryside of Idaho.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find another tourist to blame this shattered Hawaiian on.

Posted by: Harvey at 10:52 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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