While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

This week, we'll be buying a new umbrella - not because we lost the old one, but because it actually wore out from constant use - as we visit Washington. So let's get started...

Washington became the 42nd state on November 11, 1889. The state's name was chosen as a long-overdue honor to America's first President... and because "wood-toothed wig-wearer" sounded a bit clunky as a state name.

Seattle is home to the world's first revolving restaurant, "The Top of the Needle", completed in 1961. Victims of a recent salmonella outbreak at the restaurant were buried in the nearby revolving cemetery "The Bottom of the Gravel Pit".

Washington's license plate has black lettering over a light blue mountain design, and features the state motto, "First 5000 tourists receive a free umbrella!".

Washington produces more apples than any other state in the nation. For some reason, Bill Gates gets twitchy when you say that in front of him.

Starbucks Coffee was founded in Seattle, Washington, in 1987. It saved the Filthy Hippie Protester industry from bankruptcy by giving it a target for it's senseless anger during the debilitating peace between the two Gulf Wars.

Washington has more glaciers than all the other 47 contiguous states combined. This tends to scare tourists away from the state, since everyone knows that if a glacier bites you, you'll slowly go insane with global warming paranoia. If you don't believe me, check Al Gore's neck for bite marks sometime.

Washington's capitol building was the last state capitol to be built with a rotunda. State capitol buildings constructed since then have used more modern architectural features, like cantilevered ceilings and indoor water slides.

Everett, Washington is home to the world's largest building - Boeing's final assembly plant. It encloses nearly 500 million cubic feet - enough to hold every Muslim terrorist in the world... if you chopped them into little pieces first... which, frankly, I don't have a problem with.

Medina, Washington is the home of Microsoft founder and multi-billionaire Bill Gates. Who just happens to own a blender big enough to chop every Muslim terrorist in the world into little pieces.

Software giant Microsoft is headquartered in Redmond, Washington. An aerial view of the corporate campus shows that the buildings are colored and arranged to form the world's largest Blue Screen of Death.

The state flag of Washington has a green background behind a picture of George Washington holding a cup of half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-vanilla-soy cappuccino.

King County - Washington's largest county - was originally named in 1852 after William Rufus King, vice president under president Franklin Pierce. In 1986 it was "re-named" in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King. Between those times it may also have been named in honor of Stephen King, Rodney King, Billie Jean King, and possibly even Sgt. Preston's dog, for all we know.

The state flower of Washington is mildew.

Washington was the birthplace of both Jimi Hendrix (Seattle) and Bing Crosby (Tacoma). Although representing vastly different music styles, they DID collaborate to record the holiday classic, "Purple Christmas".

The oldest continually operating gas station in the US is located in Zillah, Washington. It hasn't changed much since it opened in 1873, and still accepts payments by either cash, check, or beaver pelt.

The world's first soft-serve ice cream machine is located in an Olympia, Washington Dairy Queen. It was installed in 1940 as a way to cater to a growing demand for something cold, bland, and containing more air than actual substance. Much the same desire that drives Hillary's 2008 presidential campaign today.

Residents of Washington are properly referred to as "Washingtonians", despite the widespread use of the less-favored term, "Starbucks-swilling Nirvana-moshers".

Washington is home to the only rainforests in the US. Sadly, these rainforests contain nothing but wet trees, and don't meet the minimum requirements for malaria and naked savages that would make environmentalists give a crap about them.

Europeans first landed in Washington when the Spanish ship Santiago visited briefly in 1775. The captain's log entry that day consisted only of the terse and cryptic phrase, "Smells like teen spirit".

Lewis & Clark visited Washington 30 years later in 1805. Their report was, "Smells like mid-life crisis".

Tumwater, Washington was the state's first colonial settlement. It was founded by Canadians seeking the religious freedom to worship coffee and donuts, which was forbidden by Canada's repressive Tea & Crumpetist regime.

Washington is home to such internet giants as Amazon.com, Classmates.com, and Whitepages.com, which explains why the state song is "DAMMIT! ANOTHER POP-UP!"

In the early 1900's, Aberdeen, Washington was known as "the roughest town west of the Mississippi", as it was a haven for violence, saloons, whorehouses, and gambling establishments. It was also rated the #1 tourist destination for both sailors and the Irish.

The Grand Coulee Dam on Washington's Columbia river is the largest concrete structure ever built. It contains over 12 million cubic yards of concrete - nearly enough to build a life-size statue of Ted Kennedy's drinking problem.

In 1980, Washington's Mount St. Helens volcano erupted with such violence that the top 1600 feet of the mountain were completely blown away. The sudden, cataclysmic destruction of over $1 billion in economic resources was rumored to have given Bill Gates the idea for Microsoft Windows.

Washington has a higher percentage of non-religious people than any other state, which is why so many cars there have window signs saying "Blasphemer On Board".

Washington ranks first in the nation in the production of apples, cherries, pears, and grapes, earning it the nickname of "America's Fruit Basket". The city of San Francisco has the same nickname, although for an entirely different reason.

Pictionary was invented by Ron Angel of Seattle, Washington, in 1986. According to numerous scientific studies, the game is responsible for more bad art than Picasso, Jackson Pollock, and the National Endowment for the Arts combined.

The state marine mammal of Washington is the Orca. Although some small-minded, bigoted racists refer to them as "killer whales", the term is more properly translated as "whales of peace".

The fact that they frequently kidnap and behead seals in the name of their God, Poseidon, is no excuse for not respecting their cultural differences.

Maybe those seals should ask themselves why the orcas hate them.

Actor Adam West - who played Batman in the 1960's TV series - was born in Walla Walla, Washington, in 1928. He's been quoted as saying that his least favorite part about playing the Caped Crusader was "Batpole burn".

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That wraps up the Washington edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be doing genealogy research as we travel through the gene puddle of West Virginia.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go book my vacation to Aberdeen.

Posted by: Harvey at 11:13 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

This week, we'll be scammed into buying a "genuine" George Washington cherry-tree-choppin' ax as we visit Virginia. So let's get started...

Virginia became the 10th state on June 25, 1788. The northern part of it was originally used by the British as a penal colony for thieves and con artists, which may explain Washington, D.C.

The state motto of Virginia is "Sic Semper Tyrannis", which is Latin for "No, seriously, the Waltons were fictional. Stop asking about them".

George Washington was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia in 1732. He's famous for being the first President, the father of his country, and the first white man to rap under the name Vanilla Ice.

Thomas Jefferson was born in Shadwell, Virginia in 1743. His first draft of the Declaration of Independence was blunt but concise: "King George - You suck. We're outta here. - The Colonies".

Considering they used the letter "f" instead of "s" back in those days, it's probably better that he went with the longer version.

28th President Woodrow Wilson was born in Staunton, Virginia in 1856. Despite the fact that his administration brought income taxes, WWI, Prohibition, and the horrors of women's suffrage, history still remembers him kindly. Probably because he never violated the Constitutional separation of intern and cigar.

Being the largest of the colonies, Virginia was named in honor of England's "Virgin Queen", Elizabeth I. The tiny state to the north was named for her slutty cousin, Mary.

The state song of Virginia is "Carry Me Back to Old Virginia", which was chosen by one vote over "Like A Virgin".

Virginia's early settlers got the idea to plant tobacco after they were first welcomed ashore by Indians holding up signs saying "You've come a long way, baby!"

The colony of Jamestown, Virginia, was founded for the purpose of producing silk, which was shipped to England to help King James indulge his not-as-secret-as-he-thought fetish for women's underwear.

The first peanuts grown in the US were grown in Virginia. Trust me, you DON'T want to know what King James did with THOSE.

Three of the first four US presidents were born in Virginia. They were the original Patriots' Dynasty.

The state capital of Virginia - Richmond - was also the capital of the Confederacy. Most of the people in Virginia wish is still was.

The Dogwood is Virginia's state tree, state flower, and state euphemism for a canine erection.

The American Revolution ended with the surrender of Cornwallis in Yorktown, Virginia. The terms of the surrender included having Cornwallis stand in the town square naked and shout "I stink! I am a senile, bucktoothed old mummy, with bony girl arms and I smell like an elephant's butt!"

Some historians cite this as the root cause of the war of 1812.

Two iron-clad ships, the Monitor and the Merrimac, fought for 12 hours at Hampton Roads, Virginia on March 9th, 1862. The battle was inconclusive, but proved one thing: getting a cannonball through metal armor was like trying to get a tax cut through a Democratic congress.

2000 of the Civil War's battles were fought in Virginia.... 3000, if you count the times Robert E. Lee's wife whacked him with a rolling pin.

In Virginia, more people work for the US government than any other industry.

Um... well... leastwise they have more people listed on their payroll.

The world's largest shipyard is in Newport News, Virginia. Their drydock facility alone is large enough to hold 3 aircraft carriers, or a week's supply of gin for Ted Kennedy.

The Pentagon building in Arlington, Virginia is the largest office building in the world. It has over 5000 fax machines, all which are destined to someday be taken out into a field and smashed with a baseball bat.

Contrary to the popular story, the first Thanksgiving was actually held in Virginia's Berkley Plantation colony in 1619. 90 Indian braves were invited to the feast as thanks for their help during the previous year's harsh winter. Those 90 later burned the village to the ground as revenge for being made to sit at the kiddie table.

The Great Dismal Swamp is a wasteland of foul muck located near Virginia's border with North Carolina, and is NOT a nickname for Washington, D.C.

Don't feel bad. A LOT of people make that mistake.

Thomas Jefferson designed the home where he spent his final years - Monticello - which can be seen on the back of the nickel. If you look closely, you can see Jefferson yelling at some kids to get off his lawn.

George Washington's home - Mount Vernon - is NOT shown on the back of the quarter since all the pink flamingos on his lawn were deemed "too un-presidential".

The world's only oyster museum is located on Chincoteague Island, Virginia. It celebrates history's greatest oysters, including playwright Oyster Wilde and Supreme Court Justice Oyster Wendell Holmes.

On April 9, 1865, at the Appomatox, Virginia courthouse, the Civil War ended when General Robert E. Lee was forced to surrender to General Ulysses S. Grant after Lee foolishly chose rock to Grant's paper.

St. John's church in Richmond, Virginia, was where Patrick Henry famously said "Give me liberty, or give me death!". Some historians consider this story a mere legend, however, and insist that what he actually said was "Give me freedom, or give me severe nasal congestion with a headache and slight fever!"

The Atlantic headquarters of NATO is located in Norfolk, Virginia. For those who don't know, NATO is sorta like the UN, except with weapons and testicles.

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That wraps up the Virginia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be paying 35 dollars for one stinking martini at the top of the Space Needle as we visit Washington.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go... Hey! Look!... Dogwood!.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:20 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

This week, we'll be going to the only state that serves maple syrup at communion services as we visit Vermont. So let's get started...

Vermont became the 14th state on March 4, 1791 after they finally stopped holding out for having the state represented on the flag by a maple leaf.

The stoner-rock band Phish got its start in Burlington, Vermont. It has a cult-like following similar to that of the Greatful Dead, except fewer of Phish's fans are old enough to have taken the brown acid at Woodstock.

Vermont gets its name from the French words "verts monts", which mean "green mountains" and are the only two words in the language which don't translate roughly as "we surrender".

Vermont's capital of Montpelier has a population of under 9,000 people, which means there's always plenty of parking for filthy hippies when they show up to protest whatever it is that's pissing them off this week.

Montpelier is the only state capital in the US without a McDonald's, which - technically - makes it a backwards, third-world hellhole. Expect Sally Struthers to be doing some "save the children" commercials for the place sometime soon.

Vermont has a cows-to-people ratio of 10 to 1, which makes me suspect that the absence of a Montpelier McDonald's is due to heavy lobbying by Big Cow.

Vermont's two biggest employees are Ben & Jerry's and IBM. IBM actually has trouble attracting workers, since it offers its habitually-baked-at-lunch hippie labor pool fewer opportunities to assuage their munchies by nibbling on the company product.

Vermont was, at various times in its history, claimed by both New Hampshire and New York. However, like the skunk, it escaped these predators by emitting a New-Jersey-like odor.

Until 1996, Vermont was the only state without a Wal-Mart, leaving fat women in lime-green stretch pants wandering the streets without a place to gather, gossip, and ignore their crying children.

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream company has always given their ice cream waste to local farmers to feed their hogs. However, since Ben & Jerry's was acquired by the multi-billion dollar business conglomorate Unilever in 2000, the hogs have refused to eat it, citing the bitter, corporate-sellout taste.

While living in Vermont in the 1890's, author Rudyard Kipling invented the game of snow golf. It's played by cursing and throwing your clubs while searching for a white ball in a snowbank.

Born in Plymouth, Vermont, in 1872, Calvin Coolidge is the only US president born on the 4th of July, and thus the only president to get the free Yankee Doodle Dandy Birthday Sundae from the White House Cafeteria.

Vermont's state capitol building is one of the few to have a gold-covered dome. At the peak of the dome stands a stature of Ceres, the Greek goddess of pancake toppings.

Over 70 percent of Vermont traffic tickets issued in 1996 were given to male drivers, most of whom were speeding because they were late picking up their fat-assed wives from Wal-Mart.

Ida May Fuller of Brattleboro, Vermont, was the first US citizen to collect a Social Security check. After paying in $100 during her working years, she collected over $20,000 after she retired, giving her a return on investment nearly that of a Hillary Clinton cattle futures purchase.

Wildlife biologists estimate that as many as five out of six deer can die during a hard winter in Vermont. Although this sounds harsh and cruel, it's just nature's way of ensuring that Vermont's many ski resorts have enough moguls.

Vermont is the largest producer of maple syrup in the US. This keeps America from having to rely on inferior Canadian syrup, which is frequently tainted with impurities such as benzene or socialism.

Vermont does not allow billboard advertising because it interferes with the natural beauty of the state's scenery. Companies get around this by sponsoring signs at anti-war protests, like "Make Love, Not War! - Buy Viagra!".

Vermont has more ski resorts than any other state in the US. Although this sounds harsh and cruel, it's just nature's way of keeping down the Kennedy population.

Part of the movie Beetlejuice was filmed in Vermont. The afterlife waiting room scene was shot using people returning from a Phish concert in order to save money on costumes & makeup.

The Vermont area was first explored by Frenchman Samuel de Champlain, who claimed it for his home country after noting with approval how many deer surrendered to starvation every year.

In 1916, Barre, Vermont elected a socialist mayor. This ushered in 4 frightening years when their syrup was inferior to Canada's.

Inventor John Deere was born in Rutland, Vermont, in 1804. He invented the lawnmover in 1872 and the shredded foot in 1873.

Brigham Young and Joseph Smith were both born in Vermont. They founded the Mormon church shortly after being unable to make a go of Brigham & Joseph's Ice Cream. Possibly because of such unpopular flavor offerings as Bible Bangin' Banana and Sodom & Gomorrah Surprise.

On July 2, 1777, Vermont became the first state to abolish slavery. The newly freed black man was reportedly overjoyed.

The first postage stamp issued in the US was made in Battleboro, Vermont, in 1846. Prior to this, postage payment was indicated by having a hole shot in the corner of the envelope by a disgruntled employee.

The first person to cross the entire US by automobile was Dr. H. Nelson Jackson of Burlington, Vermont. Arriving in New York 2 months after leaving San Francisco, his first words were, "Outta my way! I gotta whiz like a racehorse!".

The first Boy Scout troop was organized in Barre, Vermont in 1909 by William F. Milne, who made millions forcing the boys to earn their "indentured servant" merit badges.

The first ski chairlift was used on Vermont's Mt. Mansfield in 1940. Prior to this, skiers ascended the slopes using tow ropes attached to indentured Boy Scouts.

The first Head Start Program, which prepares underprivileged preschool children for elementary school, was started in East Fairfield, Vermont. The original curriculum consisted simply of telling the kids repeatedly throughout the day, "get used to failure, losers!".

The singing Von Trapp family - whose flight from Austria was made famous in the movie "The Sound of Music" - eventually settled in Stowe, Vermont, because it reminded them of the country they left behind, which also consisted of ski slopes full of snooty, Jew-hating WASP's.

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That wraps up the Vermont edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be surrounded by bleached blond surfers who say "dude!" with a southern accent as we visit Virginia.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go get paid for my "No Blood For Oil! Exxon Takes VISA!" sign.

Posted by: Harvey at 02:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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