While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

This week, we'll be shocked to realize that no minorities actually live in the Black Hills and the name is just a scam to get Federal Affirmative Action Funding as we visit South Dakota. So let's get started...

South Dakota became the 40th state on November 2, 1889. The word "South" in the name is somewhat deceptive, since the state actually contains no hillbillies, alligators, or temperatures above freezing.

The state bird of South Dakota is the ring-necked pheasant. When hunting these, try not to shoot a ring-nosed teenager by mistake.

South Dakota's license plates have blue numbers on a white background and say "Bison: the other red meat" across the bottom.

The state motto of South Dakota is "When the Crazy Horse monument is finished, we'll TELL you... Now STOP ASKING!"

South Dakota's nickname is "The bored people with mountains and explosives state".

Although there's enough room for Bill Clinton on Mount Rushmore, he hasn't been added for fear that no one would recognize him without a kneeling intern.

Good luck trying to find a mountain big enough to fit Monica's hips on.

Lemmon, South Dakota is famous for it's petrified forest. Undisturbed for 50 million years, it still contains many of its original petrified environmental activist protesters.

When it was built in 1832, the American Fur Company's trading post in Fort Pierre, South Dakota, was the largest one in the US, and was best know for its marketing slogan "Fur: Because she's not going to put out for denim".

Belle Fourche, South Dakota, is the geographical center of the United States. It's populated mostly by people who find Mexicans, Canadians, Californians, and New Yorkers equally repulsive.

Personally, I'm thinking about moving to Greenland, since I'm only disgusted by the French and people from New Jersey.

Clark, South Dakota, is home to the world famous annual Mashed Potato Wrestling contest. Rumor has it that the contest is rigged, since the mashed potato always wins.

South Dakota's Custer State Park is home to a herd of 1500 free-roaming bison, 1448 of which must be cut from the roster by the time they play the Budweiser Clydesdales in this year's Superbowl commercial.

When completed, the Crazy Horse monument near Hill City, South Dakota, will be the world's largest sculpture. The project will be completed without a single dollar of government money, which explains why Crazy Horse isn't holding a urine-dipped crucifix.

South Dakota's Badlands National Park contains the worlds richest fossil bed, which holds such ancient artifacts as Tyrannosaurus skeletons, Triceratops eggs, and Beatles 45's.

The Sage Creek Wilderness Area is where the highly endangered black-footed ferret is being re-introduced. For those not familiar with ferrets, they're small mammals, more ratlike than weasels, but less weaselly than lawyers or the French.

South Dakota's famous Black Hills aren't actually black. They only appear that way from a distance because they're covered by pine trees - an effect similar to what happens when Rosie O'Donnell doesn't get her upper lip waxed for a couple days.

At 7242 feet, South Dakota's Harney Peak is the highest point in the US east of the Rockies, and will likely be carved into a statue of Wilt Chamberlain at some point.

Sturgis, South Dakota, is home to the annual Black Hills Classic Motorcycle Rally. It's easy to find - just look for the crowd of burly, leather-clad guys. Make sure it's not the Black Hills Classic S & M Rally, though.

Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case... call me.

The Pioneer Auto Museum in Murdo, South Dakota, houses more than 250 rare automobiles, including the Tucker, the Edsel, and Powell Motors' infamous Homer.

The Flaming Fountain on South Dakota State Capitol Lake is fed by an artesian well with natural gas content so high that it can be lit. The sight inspires both awe and the question, "how do you put out burning water?"

The Crystal Springs Ranch Rodeo Arena in Clear Lake, South Dakota was built on a drained duck pond. When the duck pond was initially drained, workers found a dead rabbit at the bottom with a sign around its neck that said "I TOLD you it was wabbit season".

The Silent Guide Monument in Philip, South Dakota is a 14-foot pile of flat stones assembled by a shepherd to mark a waterhole that never goes dry. Ironically, the waterhole itself had been created years earilier by an architect as a way to mark an abundant source of flat stones.

The largest underground goldmine in the US is the Homestake Mine in Lead, South Dakota. Ground was first broken on it by the six dwarves who were voted out of CBS's "Survivor: Snow White's Cottage".

The USS South Dakota is recognized as the most decorated battleship during World War II. Although, the USS John Kerry actually won MORE medals, it threw them all over a fence, so it doesn't really count.

The Yankton Daily Press & Dakotan, first published in 1861, is South Dakota's oldest newspaper. It's first headline was the now-famous criticism of the Civil War: "Lincoln lied! Weevils died!"

The Prairie Rattlesnake is the only venomous snake native to South Dakota. It's generally a light brown color, with a yellow underside and four dark, presidential-head-shaped blotches on its back.

Hot Springs, South Dakota features the largest collection of Wooly Mammoth bones in the world. Wooly Mammoths were large, hairy beasts that killed their prey by sitting on it and crushing it into a pile of goo. Much as its modern-day cousin - the Michael Moore - hunts Twinkies today.

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That wraps up the South Dakota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be stocking up on souvenier Elvis shades as we visit Tennessee.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go call and see if Crazy Horse is finished yet.

Posted by: Harvey at 03:50 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

This week, we'll be voting for the late Strom Thurmond strictly out of habit as we visit South Carolina. So let's get started...

South Carolina became the 8th state on May 23, 1788. The residents didn't particularly WANT to share a name with North Carolina, but they had little choice after the naming-rights deal with Coca-Cola fell through.

The state flage of South Carolina was originally a simple crescent moon on a blue background. A silver palmetto tree was later added in an attempt to shed the nickname, "The Outhouse Door State".

At 3560 feet tall, the highest point in South Carolina is Sassafras Mountain. No sassafras actually grows on it, it's just a fun word to say. Especially with a big, spitty, Daffy Duck lisp: "THATHAFRATH!"

The state motto of South Carolina is "Aminis Opibusque Parati", which means "any excuse to shoot a Yankee".

The state tree of South Carolina is the Palmetto. Which should not be confused with any old men who carve wooden boys that magically come to life.

Built in 1909, Campbell's Covered Bridge near Gowensville is the last bridge in South Carolina still covered by a protective wooden structure instead of just a layer of cigarette butts and beer cans.

The spotted salamander was selected as South Carolina's official state amphibian in 1976, an unpopular decision which touched off deadly riots in the state's frustrated and angry frog communities.

In 1776, the British attacked the US fort on South Carolina's Sullivan Island. However, because the walls were made with spongy Palmetto logs, the cannonballs couldn't break through, and just bounced like Air America payroll checks.

The official state dance of South Carolina is the Shag. As is the official state double-wide trailer carpeting.

The first battle of the Civil War took place at Fort Sumter. Historians theorize that it started as an innocent Mac vs. PC argument which spun tragically out of control.

Hartsville, South Carolina's Coker Experimental Farms started in 1903 with 30 cotton plants and a goal to breed hardier specimens. Thanks to a lack of genetic variation among the seedlings, the highly inbred offshoots became the Retarded Monster Cotton Plant now used for stuffing Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

Before being known as "The Palmetto State", South Carolina used to be known as the Iodine state. For those who don't know, Iodine is brown and hurts like hell when applied to open wounds. Sorta like a Jesse Jackson press conference.

The Thoroughbred Racing Hall of Fame in Aiken, South Carolina celebrates the many champion race horses trained in Aiken. The secret of their success can be found in their training motto, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you'll be shipped to the glue factory if you screw up!"

South Carolina's Black River gets it's dark coloring from high concentrations of organic carbon. Sorta like hippie bathwater. If hippies took baths.

Batesburg-Leesville, South Carolina, is home to the annual South Carolina Poultry festival and features such events as "Turkey-mounted Jousting" and the ever-popular "Stuffing Chickens Down Your Pants Contest".

A Catawba Indian named King Haiglar was invaluable in helping the early settlers of Camden, South Carolina. Today, he remains honored in the form of a life-sized weather vane. This may not sound like much of an honor, but at least they didn't put him on a dollar coin that no one uses like that loser, Saca-what's-her-name.

Tyler Brothers Work Shoe and Boot Co. in Wagener, South Carolina produces 8 major brands of OSHA-approved footwear, including Redwing and Wolverine. They attribute their success to changing their name from "3-Toes BootWorks".

Gaffney, South Carolina features a water tower in the shape of a giant peach. In case it ever falls over, they plan to put it in their City Hall building, which was built in the shape of a giant crust-lined pie tin.

The first boll weevil found in South Carolina is on display at the Pendleton District Agricultural Museum. It sits between the first mosquito to bite Strom Thurmond and a few dead flies picked off the window sill.

Yeah, well, whaddya expect from an Ag Museum? Da Vinci paintings?

Spartanburg, South Carolina's Duncan Park is the oldest minor league baseball stadium in the world. During its 80th Anniversary season in 2006, it finally managed to break through the long-elusive double-digit attendance mark.

Described as "a cross between a snake and something prehistoric", the mysterious monster that is said to inhabit South Carolina's Lake Murray was recently caught and discovered to be a skinny-dipping Ted Kennedy.

Mullins, South Carolina, features the state's largest tobacco market. To compensate for financial losses due to anti-tobacco hysteria, the city has branched out into the lead paint, asbestos, and DDT markets as well.

Residents of Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, are all well versed in the 300-year-old art of Sweetgrass basket-making. Sure, this doesn't sound like it'd look good on a resume, but it'll get you picked over someone with a degree in Women's Studies EVERY time.

Every year, flocks of Purple Martins fly back to their home on Bomb Island, South Carolina. The sight of millions of creatures mindlessly chirping and crapping all over the place is truly stunning. It's sorta like an anti-war protest, except without the stultifying air of smug self-righteousness.

The Riverbanks Zoological Park in Columbia, South Carolina is home to over 2000 animals, none of which are in cages. They're kept in place with guilt trips from a crack staff of professional Jewish mothers.

Legend has it that anyone who drinks from Catfish Creek near Marion, South Carolina will fall in love with the area and never leave. Which is polite way of saying they're doomed to die of amoebic dysentery.

In 1852, William Dorn discovered the largest gold mine in South Carolina's history near the city of McCormick. He foolishly sold the mine in 1860, and used the proceeds to launch his ill-fated chain of "Slaves 'R' Us" stores.

South Carolina was the first state to secede from the Union, on December 20th, 1860, thus fulfilling Governor Jebidiah Baldwin's promise to leave the country if a Republican was elected.

The 7th President of the US, Andrew Jackson, was born in Lancaster County, South Carolina. He earned his nickname "Old Hickory" when he used a hickory switch to beat the crap out of Alexander Hamilton to win the right to appear on the $20 bill.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was born in Greenville, South Carolina in 1941. He's famed for his ability to use racial guilt to shake down "too white" corporations, and is generally considered the John Gotti of the Affirmative Action Mafia's protection money racket.

Oops... meant to type "famous civil rights leader"... sorry 'bout that.

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That wraps up the South Carolina edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be trampled by herds of stampeding prairie dogs as we visit South Dakota.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go practice my jousting.

Posted by: Harvey at 04:21 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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