July 31, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, we'll be enjoying a trip to sunny Florida, so let's get started...
Florida became the 27th state on March 3rd, 1845, an event which most of the state's residents recall fondly from their childhoods.
Or WOULD, if it weren't for the Alzheimer's.
The state flag of Florida was eaten by an alligator, so I have no idea what it looks like.
The knee is Florida's official state arthritic joint.
The largest private employer in Florida is Disney World. The second largest is the company that makes "this ride closed for repairs" signs.
After the Presidential election disaster in 2000, Florida passed a law making it illegal to vote without first removing your souvenier Mickey Mouse gloves.
The most common cause of death in Florida is being run over by old women who mistakenly voted for Pat Buchanan.
The second most common is getting run over by '57 Chevys that wash up on Miami Beach from Cuba.
The state bird of Florida is the Pink Flamingo, a feisty animal which is actually capable of killing a fully grown alligator, thanks to Floridas new concealed carry law.
Although most Floridians don't speak with a strong southern accent, they DO tend to pronounce the word "hurricane" as "Oh, SH**!"
Janet Reno was born in Miami, Florida, and only returned to the state because her magic mirror told her that Elian Gonzales was fairer than she.
Twice yearly, Florida is victimized by uncontrollable destructive forces which lay waste to the state. These times are known as "hurricane season" and "spring break".
The state reptile of Florida is the alligator, which subsists on a diet of fish, birds, and Japanese tourists.
The state song of Florida is "Grandpa, Don't Wear That Speedo to the Beach".
If a hurricane strikes while you're in Florida, just hand over your wallet and no one will get hurt.
Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon discovered Florida in 1513 while searching for the legendary Fountain of Orange Juice.
Despite the fact that the temperature never gets below freezing, Florida has a professional ice hockey team, which... nah, no one's gonna believe that one.
People from Florida are easy to spot on the road. They're the ones driving around with sheets of plywood nailed over their car windows.
If you move to Florida, buy a house with a colorful roof so that you can easily find it after it gets blown down the street by a hurricane.
When visiting Seaworld in Orlando, be sure to stop by the restaurant for the "slow learner sandwich" special.
Native Floridians never wear sunglasses because they have a special, inner third eyelid to keep out the sun's harmful rays.
Florida's Disney World is technically in a state of war with California's Disneyland, and the two theme parks exchange nuclear strikes several times a year.
The University of Florida's football team is named the Gators in honor of the millions of alligators milked each year to make Gatorade.
Neil Smith of Montverde, Florida, invented the riding lawn mower in 1933, adding to the list of useful things that Floridians could have blown away during a hurricane.
The state tree of Florida is the Palm Tree - so named because that's the part of your body that will be scraped raw if you try to climb it.
While in Florida, NEVER try to climb any sort of nut tree.
The Everglades in Florida is 2100 square miles of smelly, oozing, mosquito-infested muck. Most Florida natives still refer to it by its original name the "The Cesspool National Park".
Passing the test for a driver's license in Florida requires that you be able to make a right turn from the left lane across 3 lanes of traffic. Or so I assume from what I saw last time I was there.
Despite rumors to the contrary, "Florida oysters" is NOT a euphemism for boiled alligator testicles.
However, eating Florida oysters WILL cause you to grow a special, inner third eyelid.
The state flower of Florida is the Orange Blossom, which is a small, white flower with an insatiable hunger for human flesh.
The refrigerator was invented in Florida in 1921. This represented a great technological leap forward, as now Floridians had a place to store their melted ice cream when the power went out.
That wraps up the Florida edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sneaking north across the border into America's peachiest state, Georgia.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go milk me some fresh Gatorade.
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July 24, 2005
was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your pumpkin catapult, because we're taking a trip to Delaware, so let's get started...
Delaware is a small state located in the Northeastern US in the New England region. Which is much like Old England, expect with fewer spam-loving Vikings.
At it's widest point, Delaware is 35 miles across, which means - in THEORY - that the state *could* contain Michael Moore's ass.
The world's largest frying pan was built in Delmarva, Delaware in 1950. It's 10 feet across, holds 800 chicken quarters, and is the only reason Michael Moore might try to squeeze his ass into Delaware.
Delaware was the first state to ratify the US constitution in 1787. This is why people from Delaware are always wearing big foam fingers and shouting "we're #1!"
Can't blame 'em, I guess, it's not like they have any sports teams to get excited about. Although the ones who don't read so well sometimes make a fuss over "their" basketball team the "Dover" Nuggets
Delaware shares a semi-circular border with Pennsylvania, which marks the perimeter of the area guarded by the official state pit bull that's chained up in Wilmington.
The official state bug of Delaware is the ladybug, an insect easily identified by its red back, black spots and 6 tiny foam fingers.
Delaware is the only state in the US without any national parks. They were all eliminated as part of the plea bargain after Smokey the Bear was indicted in Delaware on arson charges.
Delaware is the second smallest state in the US. It actually WAS the smallest at one time, but then they gave the state Pit Bull another 10 feet of chain.
Although the log cabin was invented in Delaware in 1645, only one log cabin remains intact today, the rest having been eaten by ladybugs.
The state bird of Delaware is The Blue Hen chicken which is known for it fighting ability. During the Revolutionary war, a single Blue Hen once defeated an entire platoon of French soldiers.
Unfortunately, the French were fighting on America's side at the time, and it would've cost us the war if they hadn't been rescued at the last second by a brigade of lady bugs.
The first settlers arrived in Delaware 11 years after the arrival of the Mayflower, because the men in charge wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
The official state song of Delaware is "Our Delaware", recorded by Chuck Berry in 1972.
Wait... I'm thinking of "My Ding-a-Ling". Nevermind.
The highest point in Delaware is a mere 442 feet above sea level. Despite the lack of mountains, Delaware DOES actually have a ski resort, located 5 miles north of Munchkin City.
The first permanent colony on Delaware soil was New Sweden, which quickly died out because none of the other colonists could understand a damn word they said.
I mean, how were THEY supposed to know that "Vhee zee cuoorfe-a hooffa heemun!" meant "Help us! We're starving!"?
A common sight on Delaware beaches are horseshoe crabs and shuffleboard lobsters.
Delaware's official state colors are "Colonial blue" and "buff", which is just completely gay.
The Delaware Indians were the most advanced and civilized of all the tribes in America until the White Man came, gave them smallpox, and stole their oil.
Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, was born in Wilmington, Delaware. He developed his famous live-saving technique quite accidentally, while researching ways to sneak up behind people and punch them in stomach.
Poodle Beach in Delaware was voted America's Gayest Beach for 10 consecutive years. It's annual Drag Queen volleyball competition attracts thousands of... Hey! Is that Tom Cruise?
Sussex County, Delaware is home to the annual Punkin' Chunkin' contest, where people use homemade catapults to throw pumpkins as far as they can. Prizes are awarded for distance, accuracy, and the pumpkin that most resembles Ted Kennedy's fat head.
Many residents of Delaware enjoy eating "scrapple", a dish made from cornmeal mixed with pigs' hearts, livers, snouts, tails, and other parts too disgusting to be eaten on their own. If you're given the choice between eating scrapple fried or baked, choose suicide.
Delaware does NOT charge a sales tax on consumer purchases. It DOES, however, tax the earnings of prostitutes, since that's technically considered a "rental".
The test for a driver's license in Delaware is to turn your car around without any part of it leaving the state.
No one in Delaware has a driver's license.
During World War II, 12 concrete towers were built along the Delaware coastline so that observers could watch for the approach of German submarines. 1000 yards away. Underwater. In the dark.
Why yes, it WAS a union job. How did you know?
That wraps up the Delaware edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading due south to have a look at Florida.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw myself off a cliff so that I don't have to eat this plate of scrapple.
[submitted to the Outside the Beltway Traffic Jam]
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July 17, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, it's off to the East Coast for a look at Connecticut, so let's get started...
Connecticut is a small state in the northeastern US and is best known for being the place that beer cans land after New Yorkers throw them out of their car windows.
The highest point in Connecticut is Mt. Frissel, at 2380 feet, which is where Connecticut residents got to throw the empty beer cans back into New York.
Connecticut has only 2 interstate highways, neither of which gets you out of the state fast enough.
Connecticut is an Algonquin Indian word meaning "yuppie scum".
Although Connecticut borders Massachusetts, no Kennedys live there because Connecticut liquor stores all close at 8pm.
Many areas of Connecticut are plagued by foraging herds of white tail deer that destroy crops and gardens. The only way for residents to keep the deer at bay is pay "protection money" to Don Bambi, head of the deer mafia.
The New England Patriots football team almost moved to Hartford, Connecticut, but declined to do so because the deal included renaming the team to the Hartford Homos.
The pink & gold uniforms WERE tempting, though.
The official insect of Connecticut is the Praying Mantis - an obvious violation of the separation of church and state.
Connecticut is populated mainly by people who couldn't decide whether they wanted to live further away from Boston or New York City.
Connecticut is called the "nutmeg" state" because the early Connecticut colonists would sell fake nutmegs to unsuspecting tourists. This is somewhat analogous to referring to the Kennedys as the "designated driver family".
The state motto of Connecticut is "As close to New York as New Jersey is, but with less toxic waste."
In terms of distance, Connecticut is the closest state in the US to France, which is why most people in Connecticut face east when they spit.
George W. Bush was born in New Haven, Connecticut on July 6, 1946, but moved to Texas as a teenager to pursue his dream of stealing oil.
Although Connecticut ranks 48th among the states in terms of size, it ranks a close second behind Massachusetts in terms of "snooty, upper-class arrogance".
Connecticut become the 5th state on January 9th, 1788. It would've joined sooner, but everyone was out skiing in Vermont.
Despite the state's small size, it DOES have a state college - the University of Connecticut or UCONN - which should NOT be confused with the popular rat poison.
The state flag of Connecticut consists of a blue background, a white shield, 3 grapevines, and the motto, "He who transplanted sustains us". Officially, the motto refers to early colonists coming in from Boston, but that doesn't explain the large number of tourists who wake up in a tub of ice, missing a kidney.
The official state song of Connecticut is Yankee Doodle, which was originally written in 1750 to honor the official state pasta.
Being a small state, Connecticut has only one radio station, which plays nothing but different versions of Yankee Doodle 24 hours a day. The most popular being Snoop Dogg's "Yo Yo Yizzle Dizzle".
The world's first nuclear submarine, the USS Nautilus, was built in Groton, Connecticut in 1954, after which it turned on its creators and went on a fearsome, building-destroying rampage through the city.
The practice of branding farm animals began in Connecticut, where farmers were required by law to mark their pigs, which is why Michael Moore will never visit the state.
The Hartford Courant, established in 1764, is America's oldest newspaper. A glance through some of the earliest editions shows that, even back then, Doonesbury wasn't funny.
Seriously, when is Trudeau gonna stop recycling that "Thomas Paine eats catfood" line?
The Polaroid camera was invented in Connecticut in 1934.
Blackmailing people with compromising photographs was invented about 60 seconds later.
The first English settlers arrived in Hartford in 1636 and were tricked into staying in the area by settlers from Boston who promised them that the Patriots would move there "any day now".
That wraps up the Connecticut edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sticking around the New England area and taking a look at Delaware.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go step on a Praying Mantis to protect my freedom from religion.
[submitted to the Outsided the Beltway Traffic Jam]
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July 10, 2005
My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your hiking boots because we're headed to the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, so let's get started...
Colorado is a large state in the West-central US that has spent the last century battling Wyoming for the coveted title of "Most Rectangular State".
Although people from Colorado have no distinctive accent, they can still be easily recognized by the fact that, when they say "Coors", they don't grimace.
The state of Colorado has an average elevation of 7000 feet above sea level, which, technically, makes its citizens space aliens.
The most common cause of death in Colorado is being struck by low-flying satellites.
Due to its high altitude, water in Colorado boils at a much lower temperature than at sea level, which is why joggers there frequently evaporate into clouds of steam.
Despite the impression given by a certain animated TV show, South Park, Colorado is NOT actually a real city. If you don't believe me, you can [CENSORED] my [CENSORED] you [CENSORED].
Skiing in Aspen, Colorado is both a popular tourist attraction and an effective way to kill a Kennedy without wasting a perfectly good bullet.
Colorado hopes to use the sport of Whitewater Rafting to take out a Baldwin sometime in 2006.
The state motto of Colorado is "Wanna buy a slightly used life-jacket for cheap?"
The cheeseburger was invented in Denver in 1935, which is why Michael Moore bows down in the direction of the city five times a day.
Annoyed by the millions of misdirected Valentines that arrive at their post office every year, the citizens of Loveland, Colorado will soon be holding a referendum to change the city's name. Options include Bitterdivorceland, PMSington, and Hillaryville.
Denver is home to the world's largest rodeo. While it's in progress, the city has nearly as many men dressed in leather chaps as San Francisco.
This does NOT make them gay, although they ARE flattered, and possibly a little curious.
There are over 200 parks in the city of Denver, which are filled with hiking trails, petting zoos, and angry tourists whose flights out of the city were cancelled due to sudden snowstorms.
Zebulon Pike, of Pike's Peak fame, was never actually on top of the object which bears his name, but he DID bring it to the nation's attention by mentioning it frequently. Not unlike John Kerry's relationship with his wife Teresa.
Colorado is the most dangerous state through which to fly and airplane, due to the risk of being hit by cattle that accidentally fall off moutainsides while grazing.
The city of Dove Creek, Colorado is the "Pinto Bean Capital of the World". Coincidentally, the nearby city of Cortez is the "Air Freshener Capital of the World".
Mesa Verde, Colorado is home to an abandoned Indian city made up of buildings carved directly into the cliffs. No one knows exactly what happened to the residents, although they may have been eaten by the Donner Party.
Colorado became the 38th state on August 1st, 1876, a fact celebrated by no one at the time, since everybody was still too hung over from celebrating America's Centennial.
Famous horror movie actor Lon Chaney was born in Colorado Springs. He moved to Hollywood in 1902 after a mob of angry villagers chased him out of the state.
Colorado's flag consists of a field of horizontal blue and white stripes, with a red letter C in the middle. The inside of the C is colored yellow as a warning to tourists that not all snow is edible.
Colorado's state dinosaur is the stegosaurus, which has been extinct since 1997, when the last one died from being hit by a Kennedy while skiing in Aspen.
The state insect of Colorado is the tick, which is highly prized by locals because telling a girl that you want to check her for ticks is a great excuse for getting her clothes off.
The Square Dance was named Colorado's state dance in 1992, narrowly beating out the Macarena and the Achy-Breaky.
That wraps up the Colorado edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be hitting the Eastern seaboard for a look at Connecticut.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bow down towards Denver... mmmm... cheeseburgers...
Remember, the short version of this (as well as a vast array of even better stuff) is still available at http://www.imaopodcast.com/
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