May 25, 2004
Dear Associates:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
[the rest is in the extended entry. WARNING: Colorful metaphors ahead]
Posted by: Harvey at
01:30 PM
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Post contains 395 words, total size 2 kb.
May 22, 2004
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There, next to the paper roll, were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
So, a little more boldly, he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies' room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
Posted by: Harvey at
12:19 AM
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Post contains 262 words, total size 1 kb.
May 18, 2004
As the Pope watched, horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious tree-hugger from the bear. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and hauled it to their truck.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all of God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to go back to Portland and grab another one?"
Posted by: Harvey at
06:30 PM
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Post contains 261 words, total size 1 kb.
May 10, 2004
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill.Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Posted by: Harvey at
07:57 PM
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Post contains 516 words, total size 3 kb.
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