As the helpless and innocent around the blogosphere wail in terror, Jon of Personal Trainer settles his ever-widening butt into the KotB throne for another week of despotism.

Fortunately, an icy stone cell awaits him at the end of this tournament as he will be "retired" into the "Hall of Kings"... you just have to love Nick's flair for euphemism.

Go and peruse the results, lest you miss such excitement as:

Pietro admitting to being interested in what's beneath Neva's slip.

Songstress putting on her horn-rimmed glasses & wool skirt for some hot English teacher action.

Meanwhile, the contestants for week 6 have been chosen, and you can go to the KotB main page and place your bets on who you think will win.

While you're there, you can also sign up for a future tournament.

Don't just sit there being shy. You want to stay a Slithering Reptile all your life?

Posted by: Harvey at 09:30 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 166 words, total size 1 kb.

Time again to prepare the gallows for another King of the Blogs Tournament.

Will Jon of Personal Trainer retire undefeated or will he be cast down into the salt mines for the rest of natural life, with the throne going to another?

It's a particularly tough call this week, as all show great promise, but I cast my lot thusly:

Write a fairy tale set in the blogosphere. Include only two of the judges.

Jon of Personal Trainer
GOOD POINTS: Flagrant appeals to my vanity, plus he FINALLY gets me that long-desired kiss from Songstress. Good work, Jon! [discreetly hands Jon envelope of cash]
BAD POINTS: Didn't give the King of Fools any gratuitous linkage, nor did Jon choose an actual Fairy Blogmother for me (Susie of Practical Penumbra should've gotten the part, but I can't expect Jon to have known that). Picking almost any woman off my blogroll would've worked.

And an extra-special stick-beating for making me Andrew Sullivan's pin-up boy, although bringing Wonkette into it was actually even worse.
SCORE: 4

Scott of Slant Point
GOOD POINTS: You can NEVER go wrong quoting the Princess Bride. An ambitious project and a pleasure to read.
BAD POINTS: Essence of moonbat, while a clever plot point, does not work in that scene because it reeks horribly, and Rather would've noticed the stench in both glasses. A minor point, but one that you should've caught & fixed.
SCORE 4.5

Neva of Neva
GOOD POINTS: Nice M. Night Shyamalan twist near the climax & I *loved* that last line.
BAD POINTS: Writing style contained too many simple, declarative sentences to keep me into the tale. Would've been a more pleasant read if it were either spiced up or pared down. Just took too long to get to the end.
SCORE: 4

Person Trainer: A Just War
GOOD POINTS: Nice, attention-getting personal anecdote for an intro, plenty of supportive linkage, and an informative summary of Just War Theory.
BAD POINTS: This piece was obviously meant more to inform than persuade, however, all the explaining following the line "Do you have a couple minutes?" leads the reader to believe that the author's opinion of the Iraq war will be given at some point, but it's left implied, rather than stated. This post just needs Jon to say "I think the Iraq war meets these criteria" at some point to make it complete
SCORE: 4.5

Slant Point: The Hollywood Left vs. Johnny
GOOD POINTS: Goal stated, evidence presented (complete with supportive linkage), hypocrisy noted, conclusion drawn, writing stopped. A model blog entry. Well done.
BAD POINTS: There shouldn't be an apostrophe in "Johnny's", since it was plural, and not either a possessive or a contraction.
SCORE: 4.5

Neva: Go Read a Book
GOOD POINTS: Good observation about the differences in how love grows in men & women. Oddly enough, *I* was the "new creature... [who was] a good deal in the way" in Beloved Wife's Eden.
BAD POINTS: The introductory quote and the bulk of the book list doesn't quite fit right with the main point of the post. It would've been a better and more focussed piece if that first chunk were taken away and put in it's own "here are my favorite books" entry, leaving just a discussion of "The Diaries of Adam and Eve".
SCORE: 4

Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:

King of the Blogs javascript thingy in the sidebar
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to
remind us of the person behind the words.

With that in mind...

Personal Trainer:
GOOD POINTS: Jon just keeps getting better. That extended entry monkey is off his back and has been returned to the zoo where it belongs. I really like that he's placed his "About me" post, his contact e-mail, AND his search box all "above the fold" so that they can be found without hunting. Bonus for all the gratuitous linkage this week, too.
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 5

Slant Point
GOOD POINTS: Aces the technicals, and - like Jon - puts the important stuff above the fold.
BAD POINTS: There's something just a little bit off about the color scheme. I'd suggest either having the gray background appear behind the right column as well, or just put it behind the center column only. As it stands, it looks lopsided. Also I'm beginning to see why Pietro hates calendars. That's a good-sized chunk of primo real estate wasted at the top of the blog for something that no one navigates by or cares about. Maybe Scott could slide it down & sell an ad there or something.

Off topic: Pete Townshend called - he wants his picture back.
SCORE: 4

Neva:
GOOD POINTS: With an uncommon name like Neva, it's nice to see her picture right up top. No gender identity mysteries here. A warm smile makes a great first impression
BAD POINTS: I know you're new, but it's time to start poking around in your template & tweaking things to reflect your personality. Google up an html tutorial, save a copy of your template in case something goes wrong, and begin experimenting - change some fonts, change some colors, add borders around your blockquotes... SOMETHING to spruce the place up so you don't look like everyone else on Blogspot.

By the way, the yellow link to "A Quote From The Museum Of Left Wing Lunacy" does NOT show up well against that background.

Finally, you can get the code for a site search box from this old post of mine.
SCORE: 3

Personal Trainer: 13.5
Slant Point: 13
Neva: 11

Posted by: Harvey at 02:55 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 1032 words, total size 7 kb.

Looks like Jon of Personal Trainer will continue his bloodthirsty reign of tyranny, as free men the world over weep in horror.

The reviews are up at the King of the Blogs main page, and feature such diverse elements as:

Songstress making personal threats against my mucous.

Nick insinuating that I was once the lead singer of Cinderella.

Pietro asking the perfect question:

David lets loose with a 100-page thesis on Americanism and its enemies. Does America actually have that many enemies?

The contestants are already chosen for this week's episode (don't forget - if you correctly predict the winner and final score, you can win a free blog ad) and we're looking at the possibility of retiring our first King if Jon can pull off another victory.

Assuming he can shake that evil extended entry monkey off his back.

Don't forget that KotB is still taking applicants for future tournaments. Check the KotB main page & sign up today.

Because, one way or the other, you won't have to worry about facing Jon any more.

Posted by: Harvey at 09:13 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 186 words, total size 2 kb.

Another King of the Blogs Tournament comes to a close.

For now, Jon of Personal Trainer rules with an iron fist, but is that RUST I see on that glove? And do I see challengers with buckets of CLR coming to dissolve his power?

Let's find out what happens...

You are shipwrecked on a deserted island with your two opponents from this week's King of the Blog. What happens next?

Jon of Personal Trainer
GOOD POINTS: I was rooting around on Jon's page, looking for his assignment, thought this one was it, but after a few paragraphs, decided it wasn't. There was no giveaway line until deep into the story. Very expertly crafted. Bonus for the "leaving trackbacks" line.
BAD POINTS: I hate to ding for this, but I have to: Jon did not give examples of the emoticons he mentioned. Considering that non-internet savvy newbies stumble onto your blog every day, it would've been a nice touch for their sakes.
SCORE: 4.5

David of DM's Loose Ends
GOOD POINTS: Presents some chuckle-worthy mental images.
BAD POINTS: First, commits the cardinal sin of intro'ing his piece with the standard creativity-impaired "I'm in the King of the Blogs and this is my assignment" dealie. Word to future contenders - do NOT use this intro. It's BORING. It will cost you points. You may LOSE because of this. At the very least, do something like "I had this weird dream last night that I was shipwrecked with the other KOTB guys..." and link the work "shipwrecked" to the assignment post at the KOTB home page.

Second, what's this "I imagine" and "I'm assuming" stuff? This is YOUR post and YOU make the rules. You don't have to imagine or assume ANYTHING. Be CONFINDENT, man! You're seeking to decimate the competition and become KING, not licking boots to gain the favor of being appointed an ambassadorship to Elbonia. Cowboy up, mister!
SCORE: 3.5

Jason of New Trometter Times
GOOD POINTS: Launches straight into the story.
BAD POINTS: If you're going to launch straight into the story, there needs to be a link to the KOTB assignment page so that passers-by can get in on the joke. Also, a good story needs to have a beginning, middle, and end.

1 out of 3 ain't bad.

Dividing it into 2 parts, however, IS, because it's just a distracting interruption in the narrative flow. You'd have been better off taking the time to finish the story in the first place.
SCORE: 2

Person Trainer: "It's Only A Buck"
GOOD POINTS: Excellent use of callback in the final line gave the essay a feeling of solid completion. Bible verses are either cited or quoted in full.
BAD POINTS: Cited about 100 statistics and gave NOT ONE SINGLE LINK to his sources. If it were just his little urban legend opener that he sheisted from some uncredited Christian site and maybe one or two off-handed references to "studies", I'd let it slide. But studies and statistics make up the bulk of SEVERAL PARAGRAPHS worth of secular argumentation, and he doesn't link ANY of them. CBS's memos cited more sources than this sorry, slapdash effort.

Google. Hyperlinks. Use them.
SCORE: 2

DM's Loose Ends "Americanism—and Its Enemies: Critique, Analysis, and Commentary"
GOOD POINTS: Logically, reasonably, & rationally argues his points.
BAD POINTS: First - seriously, WHY did you think this would make a good submitted post? I'm an atheist. Pietro isn't a god-blogger. Yet you submitted an academically-toned, religiously-oriented treatise that registers a 7.9 on the Bill Whittle scale of verbal bloatery.

What. Were. You. Thinking?

Know your audience, man. And even if Songstress HAD the interest, I'm sure she doesn't have the time. She's got two cats to feed and a baby to conceive.

Even worse, I don't think that even YOU read this literary monstrosity. Why do I say that? Because I counted over 30 different typological and grammatical errors.

If you're going to make us ride this sinking verbal Titanic, the LEAST you could do is buzz it through a spellchecker.

Then there's writing style. This essay is Sahara/Gobi/Mojave dry. Consider buying a copy of The Lively Art of Writing. Meanwhile here's two tips: 1) use active verbs instead of forms of the word "be", 2) use fewer prepositional phrases - there are plenty of sprightly adjectives & adverbs you can use instead.
SCORE: 2

New Trometter Times: "Counting on Social Security?"
GOOD POINTS: This is a model "get in, get it done, get out" post. Jason starts with a question (always a good way to get the reader's attention), makes his point, exits with a pithy comment summing up his position and then - this is important - STOPS WRITING. A post doesn't have to be long to be good.
BAD POINTS: None visible.
SCORE: 5

Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:

King of the Blogs javascript thingy in the sidebar
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to
remind us of the person behind the words.

With that in mind...

Personal Trainer:
GOOD POINTS: All the positives are still here from last week, plus he put his name in the posted-by line and eased up on the extended-entry use. Now you can just go there and read & never have to take your finger off your mouse's scroll-wheel (or "page down" button, depending on your navigational preference). MUCH better. Also, HUGE bonus for the excessive use of gratuitous linkage to the KOTB staff.
BAD POINTS: There was still a LITTLE use of extended entries to hide text. If having the words hidden somehow improves the entry, I'm all for it. Otherwise the message you're sending to your readers is "I don't think anyone would really want to read this whole thing. Why don't you skip over this sorry post and move on to the good stuff." If what you're posting isn't good enough to be read in its entirety, why are you posting it?

Anyway, I'm not taking off for it because of the gratuitous linkage bonus.
SCORE: 5

DM'S Loose Ends
GOOD POINTS: All the technicals in order. Layout is clean, plain & functional.
BAD POINTS: A little TOO clean. Like an empty cubicle. I understand David is new & all, so I imagine the margin-decorating thingies & doo-dads will come in time, but still... a little dull. Also, I didn't see any pictures posted. On the off chance David has no image hosting service available, I recommend ImageShack (www.imageshack.us). It's free & user-friendly.
SCORE: 4

New Trommetter Times:
GOOD POINTS: Lots of little pictures & doodads & icons & a cool background texture give this site a comfortable yet distinctive character. Lots of eye-candy, but it's off to the sides, so Jason avoids a cluttered appearance.
BAD POINTS: Missing an "About Me" post. Don't be shy, Jason - share with us.

Now, about those extended entries... it's bad enough you use them to hide text that doesn't need to be hidden, but you should at LEAST choose a stopping point where a uninterested person might logically decide that they could be reading something else. NOBODY quits in the middle of a "Top Ten" list. That extended entry was plainly pointless. What's 5 more lines?
SCORE: 4

Personal Trainer: 11.5
DM's Loose Ends: 9.5
New Trommetter Times: 11

Posted by: Harvey at 02:53 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 1323 words, total size 9 kb.

Looks like Personal Trainer has stolen the throne from Cyn to become the new crushingly oppressive monarch of the 'sphere.

Be sure to read the reviews to see, amongst other informative tidbits:

Songstress making winkies at the contestants (naughty girl!)

Pietro becoming sweatily excited by the word "lapdance".

By the way - just an observation here - there seems to be a strong trend toward theocracy in the holders of the King of the Blogs throne. Is there not a SINGLE atheist/agnostic/non-evangelist who can amuse while keeping it PG-13?

All I'm saying is why let the saved have ALL the fun? They're already going to heaven. No reason for them to snag all the earthly joy, too.

[dodges lightning bolt]

Anyway, Nick is taking applications for future tournaments at the KotB home page. Be brave & toss your hat in the ring.

Posted by: Harvey at 08:40 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 151 words, total size 1 kb.

The Warrior Queen falls victim to a mysterious illness, and will probably fall from the throne.

Was she poisoned by one of her usurpers?

Doubts will linger, but let's see who's next to sit the King of the Blogs chair...

You have just been cast in a new 80's or 90's sitcom. You are the star and the judges, hosts and commissioner are the co-stars. What is the show about, who are you in the show, and who were each of the co-stars cast as? Be sure to include the title, and theme song of the show!

Cyn of Cyn's Sim
Due to being poisoned by usurpers, Cyn was unable to complete the assignment. Off with her head!
SCORE: 0

Jon of Personal Trainer
GOOD POINTS: Forgoes both sleep and personal hygiene in a marathon of blog-reading to find out enough about his subjects to make accurate casting decisions.
BAD POINTS: Nothing really, aside from the always dull "this is my required entry" intro. Next time try just launching directly into the post and giving a hyperlink to the assignment page.

Mostly, though, Jon just had the bad luck to be up against Dory, who went the extra mile on her entry.
SCORE: 4

Dory of Wittenberg Gate
GOOD POINTS: Obviously did some homework to find out who these bloggers in her cast are, but then takes liberties with her artistic license. I was especially amused by the phrase "Harvey's left-wing bias". Bonus for writing her own theme song.
BAD POINTS: The only smudge on this entry is that there's no link to the assignment post on the KotB home page. However, I'm going to let the song bonus make up for this.
SCORE: 5

Cyn's Sim: "The Fling Is Over"
GOOD POINTS: Lots of pointers on how to manipulate men, plus proof that unshaven skinny white guys are hot. Key word "skinny", Michael Moore.
BAD POINTS: The intro is a bit rambly & convoluted. While I understand the need to warm up the mental engine, it frequently improves the post to excise the early noodling parts. Also, the post covers two topics (seducing men and the joy of scruffy). Although it does both well, this probably would've been better covered as two separate posts
SCORE: 4

Personal Trainer: "A Theodicy Proposed"
GOOD POINTS: Very educational. I learned what a "theodicy" is, plus I discovered that Karma is a concept common to both Buddhism and Hinduism - I thought it was just one of them, but I wasn't sure which.
BAD POINTS: Works very hard to tell the story, but crashes on the ending. Could've had a very powerful close by simply stating HIS position in the same form that he stated everyone elses. Something like: "Personal Trainer: Learn from Job and don't try to guess "why". In the interim..." Since he didn't go for the callback and the closure, the result was that same empty feeling one gets from watching the Cubs chase the pennant.
SCORE: 4

Wittenberg Gate: "God Does Not Believe In Atheists"
GOOD POINTS: Love the rhetorical zingers: "Are there atheists railing on about the Easter Bunny? The Tooth Fairy? Black helicopters?" EXCELLENT point.
BAD POINTS: Toward the end of the piece I stumbled over a gap in the entry's flow that sucked all the force out of the conclusion. Third-to-last paragraph is about Christians judging atheists. Second-to-last paragraph is about Christians' belief in their worthyness before God. There's no transition between the two topics, and the change is jarring.
SCORE: 4

Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:

King of the Blogs javascript thingy in the sidebar
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to
remind us of the person behind the words.

With that in mind...

Cyn's Sim:
GOOD POINTS: Just as good last time, with all the technicals in place, plus her pretty picture.
BAD POINTS: Ignored my advice about boosting her title font a few points. Now my feelings are hurt, but I guess I can only put up a nominal ding for that.
SCORE: 4.5

NOTE: Cyn has switched over to an Expression Engine driven blog now, which doesn't have this problem. However, she doesn't have a KotB javascript thingy there, so I'm judging her old site because otherwise I'd have to give her a 0 - the KotB banner is life or death in this tournament.

Personal Trainer:
GOOD POINTS: Good technicals; subtle, understated use of church colors for text and dividing lines. I also ADORE his choice of banner picture, because it PERFECTLY illustrates his tagline of "hope in the shadowlands" by showing... land with shadows. It seems obvious, but I'll bet he searched a long time to find that shot. Also, bonus for excessive use of suck-up linkage to the judges, commissioner, and hosts.
BAD POINTS: There's some hiding of the name that leads to a gender-identification issues (see technicals list). Since Jon lists his name in his "about me" post, I assume he's not seeking anonymity. I strongly recommend that he change the bottom line of his entry template to read "Posted by John at [time]" so that people know that 1) he's a man 2) named Jon. Doing so increases the warmth & welcome quotients of the blog.

Also, rethink the excessive use of extended entries. Hiding text does NOT significantly (or even noticably) reduce load times. However, the time I have to waste clicking that link and waiting for the page to load is VERY noticable. And quite irritating to those on dial-up. Don't irritate your readers. See also my philosophy on extended entry usage.
SCORE: 4

Wittenberg Gate
GOOD POINTS: Good technicals, and a blog whose posts are reliably on theme.
BAD POINTS: Small gender-identification problem. I was surprised to find out Dory was a woman. Probably because I was thinking of the dwarf Dori from "The Hobbit". Might consider changing tagline to "One woman's thoughts on..."

Those colors - burnt orange and gold? My mom used to have those in her kitchen in the 70's. I'm just grateful to be spared the avacado green. Maybe a bright, cheery pastel of some kind. Aesthetics aside, the black type on the burnt orange sidebar is a little eye-strainy. Consider a combination with better contrast.

Finally, another victim of excessive use of extended entries. I want to read you and you're slowing me down. Bad blogger! Don't make me wait for that page to load! Like I told Jon, see my philosophy on extended entry usage. Think about your readers' convenience. Or at least take a survey.
SCORE: 3

Cyn's Sim: 8.5
Personal Trainer: 12
Wittenberg Gate: 12

Posted by: Harvey at 04:41 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 1209 words, total size 8 kb.