Eric of Straight White Guy talks a bit about the barn his father built, and the use to which it was put:

that building was much more than just a barn... it was his bastion... his hideaway.... his workshop... his solitude.... my Father and I were the same in that aspect.... we have a basic need for a safe place... a place that is our own... not to be shared... a place to display our trophies.. antlered heads... turkey beards.... military unit photographs... university diploma... autographed photo of a topless Halle Berry.... whatever it is that reminds us of the road we've traveled.... needful things, I think.... things that we've collected over time... signposts to our past... mementos of battles won, or lost...

... each of us needs a sanctuary... be it a barn... a blogroom... a bar... under the shade tree in the front lawn... or, just inside a good book... we all need a place that is ours alone... at least I do...

Eric is SO right about that. I'm not sure if it's strictly a guy thing, but I do know that having a sanctuary is VERY important for me. It was also one of the hardest things for me to explain to Beloved Wife.

When I was a bachelor, I lived alone and always had time and opportunity to think and reflect in solitude whenever the urge struck. After I got married and moved in with Beloved Wife, I still had that need, but fulfilling it was a dicey proposition at first.

When I have something troubling me, I like to be alone with my problem, mull it over, wrestle with it, think it through, and, once I have a possible solution, I'm ready to talk about it.

Beloved Wife has an entirely different strategy. She likes to have me there during the mulling-over process. She enjoys the support offered by my presence.

So when she bumped up against my solitary problem-solving style, she was quite hurt and offended. She thought that my wanting to be alone meant that I was shutting her out, that I didn't want her involved in my life, and that perhaps I didn't even love her as much as she thought.

Ouch.

Fortunately, I came across a passage in John Gray's "Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus" that explained the concept of "the cave". Basically that men have a need to retreat into solitude from time to time to deal with their problems alone and are simply "not available" to a woman during this time. If a woman tries to follow a man into his cave and pull him out instead of waiting for him to come out on his own, he may emerge, but he'll hold it against her. A smart woman will wait until her man is done.

After reading that, Beloved Wife accepted the fact that my need for solitude was merely an aspect of who I am, and not a reflection on my feelings for her. She was willing to give me space when I needed it, and our marriage is better for that adjustment. In fact, sometimes when I'm irritable, she'll even kick me outside with the dogs for a while so I can get some "cave time", because she knows that when I come back in, I'll be feeling better and I'll actually BE THERE with her instead of being lost in my own inner turmoil.

That sort of understanding is one of the best gifts I've ever been given.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love this woman?

Posted by: Harvey at 10:12 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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